Good Evening.
It is I,
THE GREAT AND POWERFUL VAMPIRE GERBIL!
Back when I was a
little boy, I was taunted by my playmates for being just a tad too pretty. Many is the time that I was the last person to be picked for a baseball, basketball or dodgeball game, for some reason. Yet I was always the first one asked to sleep over people's houses.
As you can see, I have both painful and nauseating feelings regarding my youth.
One day, my dad, Agnes "Get your feet off my floor, you little freak!" Gerbil, got drunk and actually bought me a present. It was a jigsaw puzzle that depicted a scene from the new James Bond movie, "Thunderball".
"Wow! Dad sure is wrecked!", thought I, as I opened the mayonnaise soaked package. And then I saw it! The picture that the puzzle was supposed to form. An exciting scene that showed Sean Connery as Bond, JAMES Bond, fighting off some ruffians that were trying to steal the hubcaps from his Astin Martin. JB, as I like to call him, had his trusty Hi Standard .22 aimed at a particularly sinister looking tough, who I immediately named "Binky".
Binky was menacing JB with a knife.
Not just ANY knife, either!
It was a long and scary looking knife, and I was immediately smitten with Binky and his weapon.
So many times I stared at the Binkyblade, saying to myself, "I wonder when dad will come and unlock these handcuffs...if I only had a Binkyblade of my own, I would be able to cut through these and get to work on the puzzle!
Many years later, after the cops came to take dad away, and the puzzle had long since been eaten, I found that sweet mysterious Binkyblade of my youth.
I was shopping for my prom dress, looking through the usual catologs, when I saw it! Brigade Quartermasters was offering a SOG Bowie for sale!
My heart raced, my pulse raced too, as it is affected by my heart, and I rejoiced in the fact that I had found my Holy Grail...
THE BINKY BOWIE!
I immediately filled out the order form and ordered three.. one for each hand. Several weeks passed, but my Binky Battle Blade had yet to arrive. I called Brigade Quartermasters...
"Hello, this is Vampire Gerbil. Where the **** are my Binky Battle Bowie Blades?"
Apparently, they were having some telephone troubles, as I kept getting disconnected, and then they couldn't understand what I was asking for.
Finally, they realized who I was, and what I was asking for. I was informed that they were unable to process my order due to the fact that I had filled the order form out with a yellow crayon, and that they were unfamiliar with Binky Battle Bowie Blades.
After much crying, screaming and threatening on Brigade Quartermaster's part, we came to an understanding, and I was told to expect my Binky Battle Bowie Blades shortly.
A few days later, I was started by the sound of my cat barking. This is unusual, as the cat only barks when someone is at the door, and I rarely get any visitors. I showered, shaved and put on a new sack, and answered the door, happy as a duck on ether to find that the UPS man was there, accompanied by a SWAT Team. (Long story about that, but there's a word limit here. Suffice to say that I am listed in UPS's Most Dangerous Houses to Deliver Stuff To list)
I squealed with delight, only to hear the numerous clicking and clacking that accompanies the locking and loading of automatic weapons.
I signed for the package with my foot, and ran inside.
MY BINKY BATTLE BOWIE BLADES HAD ARRIVED!!!
It was just as I expected, but better! The shape of the blade was identical to the one that Binky had attacked Bond, JAMES Bond with, and I was able to see that it had a leather washer handle!
To say I was excited is like saying that Rosie O'Donnel is not quietly anorexic!
I still have that blade, and will have it until the day I stop living this life. I shall have it forwarded to me in the next one, so that when I'm handcuffed in a locked room, I'll be able to cut my way free!
I would tell my story of the
OTHER knife that made me writhe in desperation... a Scuba-Demo knife that was featured in a Bay Watch episode I imagined, where all the hot babes attacked me, and used me in the most nasty way imaginable... but there's a limit to the amount of words I'm allowed to type here.
In closing, I would like to say thank you to SOG for making a little boy-man's dreams come true.