Covert De-MallNinjafication

Nimick

Nimick

Joined
Jul 26, 2005
Messages
2,600
I was going to post this on troll bait's thread. Then I realized that his thread was dealing with a post apocalyptic nuclear wasteland. My tactics deal with with the present day.

My guide to the covert undercover approach to de-mallninjafication.

I have:

1) Big shiny finger armor-pure sterling silver, none of that silver-plated crap
2) Neo-Style Cassock Trench Coat- Custom Tailored
3) Stylish sunglasses light enough to wear indoors
4) Belt with numerous pouches
5) My lastest addition, The Bud K catalog (thank-you Ryan)
6) and lastly my knives, one of which is actually in the catalog, albeit the most expensive one in there.

Then I go around on the lookout for mall ninja's. It's not too hard, they usually come to me; drawn by the fact that my outfit is sharper then theirs (it cost three times as much). then we start talking, and we get to the show and tell. usually mtech, masters cutlery, or united cutlery type stuff with the occasional CRKT, or gerber. I ran into a guy who carried an M9 in a sheath duct-taped to his back:confused: . Then out come my knives, Boker, Magnum, Kershaw, Buck, Emerson (haven't gotten to use that one yet:cool: ). then I start talking knives, blade type, blade steel, edge geometery, handle material, pivots, lock types, etc. Eventually their eyes will start to glaze over.

When they are fully glazed, RUN. You have about 5-7 seconds before their head bursts. I imagine pretty soon I will have spent as much on dry cleaning as I will on knives (bloody gore is a bitch to get out.).:D

I used to engage in this before I found this forum, but thanks to you guys my arsenal of glaze-worthy knowlege has increased ten-fold.

(unfortunatly their heads don't really explode:thumbdn: )
 
I'm given to understand that if you have a photograph of Angelina Jolie flipping a balisong that it will stop them in their tracks long enough to get out of there before the head explosion. (Kind of like a moth drawn to a flame.) The trick is to have a whole bunch of them in a pouch on the outside of your Cassock Trench Coat, so that you can quickly get to one and hand it over.
 
Don't forget to tell them stories about how you deanimate stealth assasins at midnight.
In the graveyard.
On a full moon.
Tell them you're a warewolf, too. You just carry knives 'cause claws and teeth are obsolete.
 
Troll Bait From Hell said:
I'm given to understand that if you have a photograph of Angelina Jolie flipping a balisong that it will stop them in their tracks long enough to get out of there before the head explosion. (Kind of like a moth drawn to a flame.) The trick is to have a whole bunch of them in a pouch on the outside of your Cassock Trench Coat, so that you can quickly get to one and hand it over.
Click to expand...

Thanks, I'll have to remember that. Though it's not usually a problem of stopping them, occasionally they do follow. it's usually an issue of getting behind a wall or other object in time. The explosion is powerful enough to spray up to 40 feet. You have to be watching carefully because 5-7 seconds is not long, and it's hard to sprint in the coat.

EDITED: The other problem is that there are no pockets on the outside of the coat. maybe I could keep them up my sleeve
 
i have a question. does "mall ninjas" actually exist? i mean people wearing trenchcoats going around malls with large knives taped to their backs and similar? sounds kinda whacked
 
M Wadel said:
i have a question. does "mall ninjas" actually exist?
Click to expand...

At present, the Federal Government has neither confirmed nor denied the existence of Mall Ninjas. Trust no one.
 
M Wadel said:
i have a question. does "mall ninjas" actually exist? i mean people wearing trenchcoats going around malls with large knives taped to their backs and similar? sounds kinda whacked
Click to expand...

I have met two dyed-in-the-wool mall ninja's.

One was Mr. M9, I ran into him at the flea market, it was summer so he didn't have the trenchcoat (sensible bastard) but he did have combat boots and cargo pants filled with more knives than an executive chef, including the aformentioned M9.

The other was my assistant stage manager a few years back. I got to know him all too well. he had the "german officers boots", the "van hellsing" trench coat, and the cargo's filled with a rotating supply of every mtech Oriental City 8 had to offer including: knockoff emerson karambit, knockoff boker toplock, knockoff 110, knockoff endura, and a folding straight razor (which I wouldn't use to save my life). He was a consumate bull$h!t artiste. he loved to tell stories about his dad in the CIA, and how he totally owned whoever happend to jump him this time.

Every once in a while I would ask "so why are you not in prison?"

Like I said, potential mall ninja's (of the trenchcoat wearing type) tend to gravitate towards me, and I have run into a few dead-ringers.

and yes, they are very whacked
 
These threads cover how to spot one it seems. Dont forget how to spot one on the forums without actually seeing them in person.

First are the threads about tactical wallets, tactical shoes and other tactical clothing items.

Also, look for the various "whats your EDC" threads. Not only are some of them funny due to the length of the list, but also because on top of the hardware these human-boat-anchors carry, some of the stuff they add to the list to increase its length (such as actually listing breath mints) is hilarious.

Do a search, you will find plenty.
A sample list might be:

Mall-Ninja reply to thread:
Right pocket - Strider folder, dental floss and keys.
left pocket - Spyderco Civilian, Juicy-fruit gum and aspirin.
Back hip pocket (right side) - AFCK with M2 Blade, credit card knife and hanky (snot rag).
Left hip pocket - tactical wallet with spare credit card knife. Spyderco Delica (for the sheeple ya know).
Neck - Kerambit neck knife
Belt - PDA, Cell phone, Hk 40 USP, 4 spare magazine of hydra-shok, mace, SureFire light, battery holder and zip-ties (for citizen arrest I guess)
Fanny pack - 2 spare flashlights, extra box of bullets and fixed blade knife strapped to the back of it and lip balm
Face - hundred dollar shades, tactical hat.
"Man Purse" extras of everything listed above.
Car - Shotgun, knife attached to gear shift, spare lights and bulbs and batteries.

You get the idea...between some of the hardware these people carry and the techno gadgets they can look like nutballs and dorks all at once.
 
Does anybody know where I can get a hunter orange trench coat so I can go tactical when I deploy for deer deanimation?
 
cabron50 said:
Does anybody know where I can get a hunter orange trench coat so I can go tactical when I deploy for deer deanimation?
Click to expand...

Well I don't know about one already made, but for mine I bought the NEHRU-400 from the Atlanta Cutlery catalog and then took it to a tailor to have a new one made cut to fit me out of better wool. I also had him give it a thicker liner and made the buttons stronger. perhaps you could do the same kind of thing with orange polartec.

another option would be to get a pattern for a long coat (it's hard to find a trench coat pattern.) and cut the length long.
 
sak_collector said:
Also, look for the various "whats your EDC" threads. Not only are some of them funny due to the length of the list, but also because on top of the hardware these human-boat-anchors carry, some of the stuff they add to the list to increase its length (such as actually listing breath mints) is hilarious.
Click to expand...

What? you mean like mine:D

SlimWhitman said:
Let's see

pockets

Left front:
Real "can be used for climbing" carabiner keychain w/ small sak
pocket torch
Pilot G2 retractable pen
chap-stick
sanyo mm-740 cell phone

right front
Kershaw Scallion
Sunglasses case
Finger armor (read- really nasty looking rings)

left back:
Duct tape wallet from Ducti.com (lasted longer than any leather wallet)

right back:
Boker Infinity Ceramic
Setwear Pro Leather Work Gloves

Paint Brush Pocket:
Payday Candybar
Crescent wrench

Belt:
IPod
Leatherman Wave
Tool adaptor for wave
Surefire 6p with shock bezel
Gator grip w/small folding wratchet
Earbuds
Click to expand...

In my case at least everything I carry comes in handy at least once a week, usually once a day.
 
SlimWhitman said:
What? you mean like mine:D



In my case at least everything I carry comes in handy at least once a week, usually once a day.
Click to expand...

Well yeah, something like yours...I have seen far worse.

You really have a duct tape wallet? :eek:
 
spinynorman said:
How does the "finger armor" come in handy? Does it draw the chicks as well as a wallet with a chain? ;-}.
Click to expand...

Actually it does, but the draw alone doesn't seem to help me much:( .

they are much more effective at getting wide eyed looks, messing up my hand, messing up my handwriting, making it really tough to operate a Microsoft optical mouse, scratching my cellphone, and making it really hard to get anything out of my right front pocket (non clipped knives, sunglasses).

And they serve as a premium Mall Ninja Magnets.
 
Hey, I'm wondering what a real Mall De-Ninjaficator Knife actually looks like? I bet it's way cool. Can anybody post a picture? Would it look something like a Batleth (sp?) that Worf on Star Trek would carry? Or maybe cooler?

I bet it would make the toughest Mall Ninja crap his pants!
 
Troll Bait From Hell said:
Hey, I'm wondering what a real Mall De-Ninjaficator Knife actually looks like? I bet it's way cool. Can anybody post a picture? Would it look something like a Batleth (sp?) that Worf on Star Trek would carry? Or maybe cooler?

I bet it would make the toughest Mall Ninja crap his pants!
Click to expand...

I think you hit it pretty well with the Busse, but for pure De-MallNinjafication I would stick to a HOG Satin Jack or a Mean Street. I'd use an ER Nemisis for the folder. (we're going for the non knock off's)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top