Brian Jones
Moderator
- Joined
- Jan 17, 1999
- Messages
- 7,560
A female friend of mine (yes, she's smokin' hot) wrote this. I thought it was pretty funny. Her life stories are hilarious:
Gee Virgil......i always wondered what life would be like to live like Mrs. Olson from Little House On The Prairie. Right.
Yesterday Connecticut Light and Power shut all the electricity off in my house because they claimed my meter box was faulty and could cause a fire im my house.
CL&P woman said they contacted me via snail mail, which my ex thought was junk mail and tossed, and wouldnt turn it back on, it'd be out indefinitely, until i had an electrician come out and fix this apparent problem.
so for the past day and a half, ive had no electricity at all. No hot water. 4 refrigerators packed with slowly decomposing, festering food, no phone, no place to charge my cell, no nothin. and lets not forget the biggest travesty, no outlet for my hairdryer.
So there i am, sitting a candlelit vigil for the painful loss of my....uh, power. And now we know why theyre called power companies. those boneheads have way too much power.
My house had so many candles going, it looked like the memorial service for the victims of 911. Granted, a candlelit dinner it was.., but from the amount them, i m currently the color of Beyonce. And they were worried about the METER causing a fire. Now THAT'S funny.
My first thought: Those mother f**kers
My second thought:... Those mother f**kers.
My third thought: Wow. How spoiled and pampered have we all become. Interspersed with... 'those f**kin mother f**kers'.
Hands down, they were Peckers for shutting it down without any verbal contact from me. And notice the capital P. Like God. Capital G. But theyre Pecker Gods. Maybe i hadnt gotten the mail because....lets say i was in europe for 3 weeks... ( i said maybe ) VS. ignoring them, which is what they thought. or i was in the hospital. Like i said...P-E-C-K-E-R-S.
They said it was a dangerous situation. the wiring couldve burned my house down. Pfff. Okay well l ets just say i WANTED my house to burn down..which with the amount it costs to take care of... i kinda do..so none of their business.... right??? Okay, zero power. so I kick into gear. I intuitively throw on a skirted loin cloth, and start going into gathering mode hunting for berries. I find nothing in my yard i can harvest but dried up dog shit. I find no recipes in my recent bon Appetit subscription to salvage this sh*tty meal and decide it wont do. but i DO like the loin cloth.
But seriously, how hard would Bear Grill from Man Vs. Wild pee his Discovery Channel pants for my level of unpreparedness and lack of basic survival skills. For a mere 36 hours in a 5000 sq. ft. home in Westport Ct. lol. Okay, Its fair to say, very hard. So hard that id need my 3 electrically disabled sump pumps to remove his pee from my house.
On the next Man Vs. Wild....CT Women With No Electricity..how will they call the cleaning lady to cancel?? Stay tuned. "
Here were my keen survival skills:
1. Cry.
2. Curse like an inmate walking across a bed of hot coals while being stabbed repeatedly in the anus.
3. play victim.
4. Verbally emasculate ex for the mail oversight.
5. Call mom
6. Listen to mom verbally emasculate the ex for the mail oversight.
7. Almost lie to Connecticut Light and Power and demand me needing the electric turned on because... im on Dialysis. lol
8. Defend Paris Hiltons emotional prison breakdown.
9. Shake the propane tank to see if its full. i got skillz.
10. Fire up the food on the S2500 grill.
The flashlight had a dying battery. ok. Classic. And i was not prepared to rub whittled skunkweed twigs together to make heat, nor eat neither a toasted moth nor juicy scorpion to get through the week. uh-uh. Sorry dude. I was looking forward to my Brie cheese on whole grain crackers with a side a of chilled Cabernet Sauvignon to whet the appetite. I dont do bug breath or make moss blankets.
This is the civilized world. The wasteful world. I want my lights to go on when i clap, my central AC crankin so it dims the lights in Times Square, and my pencils honed and sharpened in a 12,000 ghz electric pencil sharpener so i can gouge Connecticut Light and Powers eyes out with it when i see them.
I call that prepared.
i know what youre thnking. i know. Pathetic. Dont worry i tisk tisked myself already and punished myself with no visits from the Queen and absolutely no caviar for at least 1 week, so its taken care of.
But we always learn something from every experience right?
So what exactly did i learn ???
1. Well, im not as adventurous as i thought i was. unfortunately people, i need a fully charged ipod to feel human.
2. Jeep foglights are a frightening substitute for ambient lighting.
3. Vibrators run on battery. Props to whoever called that.
4. i like the quiet hum of my clean refrigerator, vs a soundless box with the stench of a dead body discharging from it.
5. Three cats and 2 dogs are way too easy to break your face on in the dark.
6. i love and appreciate all my creature comforts. Except the creatures i trip over and break my face on in the dark.
7. Johnnys warm shower rocked.
8. Frenchys phonecalls were invaluable.
9. Matts company was key.
10. And lastly... from now on, get my own goddamn mail.
Gee Virgil......i always wondered what life would be like to live like Mrs. Olson from Little House On The Prairie. Right.
Yesterday Connecticut Light and Power shut all the electricity off in my house because they claimed my meter box was faulty and could cause a fire im my house.
CL&P woman said they contacted me via snail mail, which my ex thought was junk mail and tossed, and wouldnt turn it back on, it'd be out indefinitely, until i had an electrician come out and fix this apparent problem.
so for the past day and a half, ive had no electricity at all. No hot water. 4 refrigerators packed with slowly decomposing, festering food, no phone, no place to charge my cell, no nothin. and lets not forget the biggest travesty, no outlet for my hairdryer.
So there i am, sitting a candlelit vigil for the painful loss of my....uh, power. And now we know why theyre called power companies. those boneheads have way too much power.
My house had so many candles going, it looked like the memorial service for the victims of 911. Granted, a candlelit dinner it was.., but from the amount them, i m currently the color of Beyonce. And they were worried about the METER causing a fire. Now THAT'S funny.
My first thought: Those mother f**kers
My second thought:... Those mother f**kers.
My third thought: Wow. How spoiled and pampered have we all become. Interspersed with... 'those f**kin mother f**kers'.
Hands down, they were Peckers for shutting it down without any verbal contact from me. And notice the capital P. Like God. Capital G. But theyre Pecker Gods. Maybe i hadnt gotten the mail because....lets say i was in europe for 3 weeks... ( i said maybe ) VS. ignoring them, which is what they thought. or i was in the hospital. Like i said...P-E-C-K-E-R-S.
They said it was a dangerous situation. the wiring couldve burned my house down. Pfff. Okay well l ets just say i WANTED my house to burn down..which with the amount it costs to take care of... i kinda do..so none of their business.... right??? Okay, zero power. so I kick into gear. I intuitively throw on a skirted loin cloth, and start going into gathering mode hunting for berries. I find nothing in my yard i can harvest but dried up dog shit. I find no recipes in my recent bon Appetit subscription to salvage this sh*tty meal and decide it wont do. but i DO like the loin cloth.
But seriously, how hard would Bear Grill from Man Vs. Wild pee his Discovery Channel pants for my level of unpreparedness and lack of basic survival skills. For a mere 36 hours in a 5000 sq. ft. home in Westport Ct. lol. Okay, Its fair to say, very hard. So hard that id need my 3 electrically disabled sump pumps to remove his pee from my house.
On the next Man Vs. Wild....CT Women With No Electricity..how will they call the cleaning lady to cancel?? Stay tuned. "
Here were my keen survival skills:
1. Cry.
2. Curse like an inmate walking across a bed of hot coals while being stabbed repeatedly in the anus.
3. play victim.
4. Verbally emasculate ex for the mail oversight.
5. Call mom
6. Listen to mom verbally emasculate the ex for the mail oversight.
7. Almost lie to Connecticut Light and Power and demand me needing the electric turned on because... im on Dialysis. lol
8. Defend Paris Hiltons emotional prison breakdown.
9. Shake the propane tank to see if its full. i got skillz.
10. Fire up the food on the S2500 grill.
The flashlight had a dying battery. ok. Classic. And i was not prepared to rub whittled skunkweed twigs together to make heat, nor eat neither a toasted moth nor juicy scorpion to get through the week. uh-uh. Sorry dude. I was looking forward to my Brie cheese on whole grain crackers with a side a of chilled Cabernet Sauvignon to whet the appetite. I dont do bug breath or make moss blankets.
This is the civilized world. The wasteful world. I want my lights to go on when i clap, my central AC crankin so it dims the lights in Times Square, and my pencils honed and sharpened in a 12,000 ghz electric pencil sharpener so i can gouge Connecticut Light and Powers eyes out with it when i see them.
I call that prepared.
i know what youre thnking. i know. Pathetic. Dont worry i tisk tisked myself already and punished myself with no visits from the Queen and absolutely no caviar for at least 1 week, so its taken care of.
But we always learn something from every experience right?
So what exactly did i learn ???
1. Well, im not as adventurous as i thought i was. unfortunately people, i need a fully charged ipod to feel human.
2. Jeep foglights are a frightening substitute for ambient lighting.
3. Vibrators run on battery. Props to whoever called that.
4. i like the quiet hum of my clean refrigerator, vs a soundless box with the stench of a dead body discharging from it.
5. Three cats and 2 dogs are way too easy to break your face on in the dark.
6. i love and appreciate all my creature comforts. Except the creatures i trip over and break my face on in the dark.
7. Johnnys warm shower rocked.
8. Frenchys phonecalls were invaluable.
9. Matts company was key.
10. And lastly... from now on, get my own goddamn mail.
i have a few friends like that..
I'd get lost in a house that size.
A classic case of people in "survival" situations assuming a nonexistent problem is an issue, thus unnecessarily making things worse for themselves. 
