GEC Medium Leather Slip Giveaway

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Cassander

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Just managed to work out a 3-way deal (God bless the free market) to turn my Red Camel Bone Marlow into a Rust Red Sawcut Charlow. My first Charlow and an excellent companion for my Blackwood Marlow.

Couldn't be happier at the moment and I figured I'd spread it around a bit to the good people here. So tell me a joke - keep it clean - best one gets a brand new GEC medium leather pocket slip. And this ain't a democracy - I decide what best means. And I will do so, let's say, Tuesday evening. Anyone can enter, but only those in the conus can win.

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
 
Lol. I knew this was good idea. Let's limit it to two per person, just to make sure no one gets the damn-I-should've-said's.
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guys says "OK, now what?"

Sorry, I did not see your two limit before I posted this.
 
That's it someone hit that dude with an infraction. Doesn't anybody give a f%*# about the rules!!!

I see two entries and a link. Technically, you're good 👍
 
Joke submitters will please remember that this is a strictly family friendly, G-rated forum. Nothing crude, please.
 
Two guys are driving down the road drinking a beer they get pulled over the driver says to his friend dont worry just do what i do and he peels the label off his beer and sticks it on hia forehead...his buddy is confused but does it....the cops says goodafternoon have you boys been drinking? The driver says no sir were on the patch. (I in no way condone drinkig and driving its bad do not do it )
 
A man is driving down the highway when he sees the red/blue flashing lights of a highway patrolman behind him. He immediately speeds up but is unable to outrun the trooper so he finally pulls over. The Patrolman asks him why he tried to get away and was told " My ex wife ran off with a Highway Patrolman and for a minute there I thought maybe it was you and you were trying to give her back.
 
OK, I'm in! Thanks for the opportunity, but I'm not very good at jokes. Here's one of my favorites - it's a philosophy joke (is that legal?).

Descartes walks into a bar and orders a beer (or cognac, or whatever French eggheads drink). After a while, the waitress asks him, "Monsieur, would you like another drink?" Descartes replies, "I think not." And, POOF, he disappears!

- GT
 
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
 
I got a new GEC medium leTher slip for my wife...it was a fair trade
 
What do elephants keep in their trunks?
six foot of snot

Whats the difference between snot and broccoli?
You have to make children eat broccoli

boom tish.
if I win give it to someone else:)
 
OK
sub topic-
the Kiwis .Lets see if I can lure the elusive Fes out of his lair.
.

What did the Maori say to the person of Jewish heritage?
Hee, Broo.

What do you call Kiwis on prozac?
Once were Worriers.
 
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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
 
I'm an old bagpiper who used to play gigs throughout the Texas/Arkansas/Louisiana area. So I'd like to share this time I was asked by a funeral director friend of mine to play at a graveside service.

The service was for a homeless man who I was told had no family or friends. It was being held at the pauper's cemetery in the Arkansas back-country. Well I wasn't too familiar with the backwoods even though I'd driven through the area before. Of course, there wasn't google maps back then let alone cell phones and I probably arrived about an hour late. They must've ended things early because there wasn't any sign there had even been a funeral. And I remember feeling pretty out of sorts that my friend hadn't waited around for me.

I just parked over where the diggers and crew were taking their lunch break, and apologized to the men for being so late. I knew they were workers, but everyone deserves a fair shake and I always did my best to honor everyone as best I could, no matter what. I mean, the lid to the grave vault was in place and I'm not really sure what came over me. I remember taking a deep breath and then I just played. Some of the workers put down their lunches. A few gathered round. That was all the encouragement I needed. I gave it my best and played like I've never played before.

I always finish things with the same song, but this time it was a little surreal. I played 'Amazing Grace' and there wasn't a dry eye in sight. They wept. I wept. We all wept together. Then I packed up my bagpipes and headed for my car. My heart was so full that I practically forgot everything that led up to my late arrival.

As I opened my car door, I heard one of the workers say to the others, "In all my time, I never seen
nothing like that before. And I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!"
 
Now that's funny right there Jackrabbit!

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
 
Good stuff, thoroughly enjoying it all. Very few stinkers 😁

Thought I'd share that which has brought us together on this fine fall day - other than free stuff. Courtesy of two forum brethren.
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