Girl trouble... advice maybe?

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Danelle O'Shea said:
Women hate a doormat.

You've got to open the door and let her see that she is free to leave, but that you won't be sitting by the phone waiting for her.

And even if you ARE sitting by the phone you've GOT to act as if you aren't. If she calls, say "I really want to talk, but I'm busy, can you call me back in two hours?" if she wants to meet, you "already have plans, sorry". You give no other information other than BUSY and PLANS.

Don't do this EVERYtime she calls but if you do it SOMEtimes, she will wonder what the hell you're up to and if there's any chance of reconciliation, she'll be on your doorstep to initiate it.

I guarantee this method.
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Wow! Great advice from a woman with obvious class! I like her style! :cool:
 
Take her too church and pray with her...if you love her
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i tryed that once, i was a firm believer at one time, raised in church sence i was a kid.me and my fiance went 3 times a week to church but because of some lies that her mother told the preacher i was excumunicated from my church. people i once knew and considered my faimly betrayed me publically and sence then ive never been back.

i actually went to a counsler and took meds for a while because of relationship problems because of her mother. our relationship is strong granted but i cant take her faimly, when her mother calls (5 or 6 times a night) i feel like throwing up and or passing out, my nerves are shot.

my counsler diagnosed me with post termatic stress disorder, im getting better but at the time of the excimunication i HATED every thing to do with church. if i seen a preacher on tv i would literally feel sick, if i herd somebody talk about god id want to slap them. after all why would god let all these bad things keep happining to us? im glad im over all of that, thats not how i want to live.
 
Tell her she can have her 30 days but, if the lease is in both your names she needs to be the one to go. If this can't/won't work take everything that is yours and 1/2 of everything that belongs to both of you. Make it hard and make it hurt let her see what she is losing, you and your life together. Don't be a jerk but make the seperation real. If you pack a bag and just take a few things it's easy for her. If you do the hard stuff now splitting everything up, going over the memories she will learn what she is realy doing and losing. The other side of this is that then in 30 days if you don't get back together you have your stuff. I've seen to many guys just give it all up or think they can go back and get their stuff latter. This is rarely the case. She ends up with a fully furnished place and you have nothing. Give the seperation a try but protect your self and your belongings.

Patrick
 
Danielle is right on target. I will have been married for 33 years in July to a woman who once gave me while we were dating the "I need my space" and "you need to be seeing other people" speech. I gave her much more space than she wanted, and dated other people, although I was dying inside.

you must not be perceived as dependent and needy. It is a paradox, but your best chance of winning a woman is to always be your own person, clearly able to get along without her just fine if need be. This old "poor, me, baby I can't live without you" junk in the songs and movies will defeat you.

An added two cents worth. If a life-long relationship is your goal, just remember that the time is coming when the figure sags, the pounds pile up, and the face wrinkles. Hormonial changes can change a woman's looks in a way you wouldn't believe. And you won't look so great, yourself. A woman of character and ideals is priceless. When the lust goes away and the body deteriorates, the kind of person she is is what will shine through. What shines through can be either incredibly beautiful of horribly ugly.

I am the most fortunate of men. I married a drop dead georgeous woman, three years older than me, to whom time has not been especially kind. But personality, gentleness, strength of character, and 33 years of unwavering support gives my woman a beauty to me that the casual observer can't see.
At age 26 she was sexy beyond words. At age 62, she is beautiful beyond words.

If your's is not that kind of person, you are much better off to go on without her.
 
Well said Mike H!
Well said Danielle.
And that comes from a guy with 27 years of marriage under his belt.
Long term is all about us, no more I,me,my
Maybe this is what she is trying to work out.

Give her the time and space, but (you knew there'd be a but...right), don't be a doormat. After the month off, this is decision time for her.

I commend you for going to counseling, and listening to the counselor.
I have friends that did that, didn't listen and continue to argue constantly.
I've decided that they just plain like it that way.

One other thing...
I got this from S. Covey's '7 habits of highly effective people'
You can't change anyone else. You can change yourself.
That, in turn affects the way they see you and changes their perception.

Good luck
 
Hey Guys...

First of all...
Unless you've got a decent place to go, what a Huge pain in the ass thats going to be.. And then have her decide later that she wants to back,, then you have to drag all of your crap back ??

Screw that..

Who's house is it ??

Do you both pay rent ? or was it her place to start off with ?

Personally if moving out is the case,, that would be the end of that.. I'd never move back there..If you were to get back together,, make her pack her $**** up and move over to you..

Then,,when this happens again, you can put her out...

I'm too old for this moving around crap...Maybe you younger guys that don't have as much crap can easily Bug Out,, but I'm done with that...

I just spent the last year preparing to move two VERY full households into one,, and I'd sooner take the crap out I needed and put a match the the entire thing then do this again....

Anyway...moving out, and moving on,,sounds like what probably should take place...
After an eight year investment into a relationship,, if it hasn't clicked to the point that you can't leave with each other,,it probably never will...

My wife and I after being together for 18 years,, still have out times,, scrap like cats and dogs,, but I couldn't see myself with anyone else personally...She puts up with a lot of crap from me..to find another woman with that much love for me,,and a bigger heart, would be one in a million...

Best of luck and hope it works out for you,,whichever way it goes..

ttyle

Eric....
 
Eric, you know damn well that if we both ended up single again we'd be together!

but..sunnyd, you're my new bladeforums boyfriend.
 
Neko, her thyroid problem. Do you remember the 1st President Bush before he was ever analized with Graves Disease (so is Barbara Bush )which is hypothyridism, would break down and start crying? Your thyroid effects your whole body! I don't know where your girl friend stands with it but I wish her the best. Don't be invisible to eachothers needs, it's important to feel loved. :(
 
Danelle O'Shea said:
Women hate a doormat.

You've got to open the door and let her see that she is free to leave, but that you won't be sitting by the phone waiting for her.

And even if you ARE sitting by the phone you've GOT to act as if you aren't. If she calls, say "I really want to talk, but I'm busy, can you call me back in two hours?" if she wants to meet, you "already have plans, sorry". You give no other information other than BUSY and PLANS.

Don't do this EVERYtime she calls but if you do it SOMEtimes, she will wonder what the hell you're up to and if there's any chance of reconciliation, she'll be on your doorstep to initiate it.

I guarantee this method.
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I put my stamp on this guarantee as well.
 
She wants space?

Tell her you're going to give her so much space she'll feel like Neil Friggin Armstrong.

Move on, bud. Plenty of other shells at the beach - and some mighty pretty ones too. I'm sorry that things didn't pan out the way you wanted. Eight years is a heck of a long time to devote to a relationship without marriage, but if it worked, great. Good on ya.

You'll be better off without her. You don't need to be vicious or nasty. Just leave with your dignity, self respect, and property. Perhaps she'll get her issues resolved at a later date and come sniffing around. But if that day comes, make it so that it is a situation where you are in control of your heart.

Best of luck to you and her. I hope things work out the right way for you both (however it goes.)

David
 
Just as an FYI for additional information. While I had a really bad experience with my Practice wife, and was reluctant to go to the alter a second time, after eight years I did. So held out as long as you did, but then made the comittment. So I have been there and done that.

I was also talking to a friend today who finally admitted how much he's been paying in alimony and child support. It was $75,000.000 per year! This guy owns a small retail company and has done well, but not so well that giving his Ex that much money isn't hurting him and it's been this way for years. You don't want to marry for the wrong reasons.

If she's not sure after eight years, it's time to take care of your own future and move along, as painful as it might be.

John
 
Danelle....

LOL..

Your gonna get me into a Whole lot of trouble..:) :)

Danelle O'Shea said:
Eric, you know damn well that if we both ended up single again we'd be together!

but..sunnyd, you're my new bladeforums boyfriend.
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ttyle

Eric.....
 
Your relationship is 99% gone.

Make sure that the 1% is a no go, then say goodbye, and if you want to, you can thank her for the good times, before resentment and regret sets in.

It's easy to give advice when you are not in the situation yourself. As point44 says, make sure there is no hope, then say thank you and move on.

But be very careful of that 1%, women can sometimes have emotional swings that men do not(IMHO). It's just barely possible that she may come back and live happily ever after with you. There was one time when my wife wanted to leave me, and I had no idea AT ALL of her intention. After that period, I told her, if she ever felt like leaving me, at least tell me first, so maybe I can do something about it. That was about 7 years ago.

What might make that 1% work is if the main issues she has, are with herself, NOT YOU, sort of like Forest Gump's GF who could not bring herself to stay with Forest Gump because she was messed up from being abused as a child.

But the chances are she just wants out, and there may even be 3rd party, who she may not have slept with, but has her eye on already. I'm sorry, but my understanding of girl's psychology is like that.

I'm not condemning it, it's biological.

If there's no way to salvage it, then let her go and find another girl. She knows you still want her, so telling her by crying, etc is utterly useless.

I'm sorry, but that was horrible advice, IMHO. The only way that advice might be worthwhile is if she is unsure of your love/commitment to her, maybe she wants to legalize the relationship and have children, but you don't/or are unsure, so she's testing you.

It doesn't sound like that, it sounds like she wants out. Leave her, my friend, there is nothing there to stay for.

And if she still wants to talk and so forth, if it is too painful for you, just tell her, it's too painful to talk, sorry, we can't do this anymore. Please find someone else for your emotional backup. And I can't see you either.

The sign that she can still talk, but you cannot with "pain" shows that she is not the one suffering, she's doing what is OK for her(splitting), but it ain't so good for you. Change your heart, there's no place for it with her.

Goodluck on your rebound.
 
jmxcpter said:
... I was also talking to a friend today who finally admitted how much he's been paying in alimony and child support. It was $75,000.000 per year! ...
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here's a quote from Robin Williams:

"Divorce... from the latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet..."
 
It's starting to sound like the majority opinion here could be correct.

This f**kin' sucks.

N2
 
SYK said:
Your relationship is 99% gone.

Make sure that the 1% is a no go, then say goodbye, and if you want to, you can thank her for the good times, before resentment and regret sets in.

It's easy to give advice when you are not in the situation yourself. As point44 says, make sure there is no hope, then say thank you and move on.

But be very careful of that 1%, women can sometimes have emotional swings that men do not(IMHO). It's just barely possible that she may come back and live happily ever after with you. There was one time when my wife wanted to leave me, and I had no idea AT ALL of her intention. After that period, I told her, if she ever felt like leaving me, at least tell me first, so maybe I can do something about it. That was about 7 years ago.

What might make that 1% work is if the main issues she has, are with herself, NOT YOU, sort of like Forest Gump's GF who could not bring herself to stay with Forest Gump because she was messed up from being abused as a child.

But the chances are she just wants out, and there may even be 3rd party, who she may not have slept with, but has her eye on already. I'm sorry, but my understanding of girl's psychology is like that.

I'm not condemning it, it's biological.

If there's no way to salvage it, then let her go and find another girl. She knows you still want her, so telling her by crying, etc is utterly useless.

I'm sorry, but that was horrible advice, IMHO. The only way that advice might be worthwhile is if she is unsure of your love/commitment to her, maybe she wants to legalize the relationship and have children, but you don't/or are unsure, so she's testing you.

It doesn't sound like that, it sounds like she wants out. Leave her, my friend, there is nothing there to stay for.

And if she still wants to talk and so forth, if it is too painful for you, just tell her, it's too painful to talk, sorry, we can't do this anymore. Please find someone else for your emotional backup. And I can't see you either.

The sign that she can still talk, but you cannot with "pain" shows that she is not the one suffering, she's doing what is OK for her(splitting), but it ain't so good for you. Change your heart, there's no place for it with her.

Goodluck on your rebound.
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I have to echo the poster above. I'm 38, was married for 14 years, and currently date often. I also pay close attention to what women say and their behaviors. (They often appear to contradict each other; the seeming contradiction or supplementation reveals volumes about what really is going on.)

I do not mean to appear trite or abrasive, but hope to present my advice to you that will put you in the proper frame of mind.

Next her and keep your property.
 
Danelle's advice about the busy and plan thing is right on. Been there, done that, it works. If not, kick her to the curb and move on.

Trent, join the club! I'm 38 as well, was married fourteen years, and now date often. When I was younger I was more concerned about how a woman looked or how good she was in bed but these days I focus my attention on the little signs and indicators of thier true personality. What's confusing is that what women say and what they do is quite often two different things, in which case I follow body language.
 
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