munk said:
Something deep inside tells me that this person will probably never truly change his selfishness>> Jimmy J
And sometimes we help knowing that. There are lots of ways people are handicapped and hurt in this world, and it is always a good thing to recognize.
Even people I thought would never change have, some for better, some for worse.
When I read these kind of threads, I usually ask myself, "'and thou?"
The best manipulators aren't caught.
munk
I believe the problem is that I let this all build up without doing anything about it for so long.
So long, in fact, that it numbers over two decades of me seeing that it was happening, and my hoping that somehow it would change on it's own (believing so was probably an error on my part).
This long term situation, among other serious differences between us, have definitely put a very bad strain on our relationship. So much so that I no longer call him, and he no longer calls me.
As much as this situation feels wrong to me, it actually felt worse to try and maintain a relationship with my brother.
In other words, as bad a situation as it may seem to not be communicating with my full blood brother (it does bug me that it had to reach this point), I also feel a peacefulness that I never felt before.
I don't have all the answers, but maybe sometimes it's best this way.
You may love someone, but it does not neccessarily mean that you will like that person. That seems to be my feelings towards my older brother.......... I do truly love him,.................. we grew up together, same household, same parents, many of the same memories, and yet in most ways we are like oil and water.
Some prefer to keep a strained relationship over no relationship, and some feel it would be best to let go of a overly strained relationship.
I guess it depends on the persons and their own situations. With mine, I must say that overall it feels better to have basically finally cut off our strained relationship.
But, this is what seems to be best for us now, and who knows what the future may bring.
Do I feel "some" regret that we are not able to work out our differences?............... Yes! But if something were to happen to him tomorrow, would I feel that I should have tried harder?............... no. I honestly feel at peace in knowing that I have swallowed my pride more times than probably anybody would feel comfortable in doing to try and save a strained brother to brother relationship. I have forgiven what many may feel was no longer forgivable,............ all in the name of saving an already strained relationship that was clearly very one sided from the get go.
Maybe, just maybe, it may be better to just let go when something is not worth holding onto. He will always be my brother, we just can't get along the way we should.
I was thinking once to myself, had he not been my brother, I would have hated to have had a person like him be my neighbor.
I will always love him, but I hold very little hope that we can ever be true
friends (though there is always that "little" hope, I do live in the real world, and it may be that it just ain't meant to be).
When something hurts too much, should one finally let go, or should one forever keep trying? I guess each situation is different, and each individual would have to make that decision for himself/herself.
After over twenty years of noticing how bad things were, it seems that my final decision is to stay apart and live our own lives in our own worlds. If ever there is a real crisis on his side of the world, I'll be there,................... in the end, he will always be my brother
PS.
It may be hard for some to relate to such a fracture between brothers.
I can give endless examples to show how little by little it just went from bad to worse.
Doing that would be senseless, but I will share a few experiences that gives further glimpses of why I have resorted to such a drastic breakoff with my brother:
When my brother and his first wife were going to have their first baby (my Niece), I was right there at the hospital the night she was to deliver.
I was young, maybe 17-18, and I'm sure that I had some fun things that I could have been doing, but I felt I needed to show up to support and represent for my bigger brother. He is my brother, she was my sister in law, and the baby was about to be born and be my niece,.............. I simply "had" to be there!
Fast forward some years later. My wife is about to have our child. Though my brother lived a 3 hour car ride away, he knew the situation because my parents had called him to inform him about it.
Well, my child was born, but no Uncle was around.
No big deal, maybe he was seriously too tied up at the time to make the trip down.
Then my child turned 1 year old,............... but has yet to meet Uncle. Okay, maybe he's had a busy year
Now my child is to turn 2 years old,................. not yet met Uncle,............. but heck, people live busy lives, right?
My child was then about 2 1/2 years old, and finally meets Uncle! Not because he finally came down to us, but because we went up to visit him. Though I was ticked off inside, I never let him know about it (I probably should have).
My brother would come down to our town to pick up or visit his daughter from his first wife. When he came down, often he would stay overnight at our house before heading back his way in the morning. I did not have extra rooms, so my wife and I always insisted on giving him and his new wife our room and bed, while my wife and I would crash out on the living room floor. We always did this, and they unwillingly accepted.
When we went up to visit them at thier house, they too did not have the extra room, but forget us being treated like royalty, we only got offered the floor!
This double standard has been a constant in our adult years as brothers
Please excuse the "strange interlude." 