- Joined
- Mar 5, 1999
- Messages
- 34,096
Feeling half assed okay this AM so maybe it's time to bring everybody up to date. I wonder if I'm making people sick putting up all this stuff. If you'd rather avoid the tough issues let me know and I'll stop posting bad news threads and leave them lie peacefully.
This roller coaster ride started last May and has not stopped. In May when I was home just after Dad had his first heart attack when I saw him I knew -- something innate, deep inside, that small still voice of Karma whispered and reminded me that if I wanted to spend some quality time with Dad I'd better get it done because he was not going to be in this world much longer. I got it done -- nice days of one on one together with Dad playing mostly the old "do you remember?" game. Good times, nice times, sweet times, and I am ever so thankful I was able to get this done. It gives me some comfort to know that I gave Dad his last real bath in the tub and his last haircut albeit not such a fancy one. And, perhaps most importantly to me and probably Dad was the fact that I was able to arrange some top shelf Buddhist pujas for Dad which helped him in his passing and is probably still holding him in good stead. Although Dad was not an official Buddhist he did not enter the Bardo as a stranger. Knowing this brings a certain amount of peace to me.
Then come September -- I'm back for another visit and awaken one Am and piss some nasty looking blood. Two days of pain and blood and then it starts to clear up. Two weeks of no appetite takes off 10 pounds. A history of kidney stones tells me that is probably the problem so when I get back to Reno I arrange a CT scan to spot the stone location and size. Tilt! We find a golf ball sized cyst or tumor in the left kidney. Ultrasounds and more scans tend to make the radiologists think there is possible cancer. Trips to urologists and nephrologists more scans and testing and most are leaning toward cancer and showing up other possible problem areas -- liver, AAA, prostate and a couple of other questionable areas. I prepare myself for cancer and loss of my left kidney.
First of year I start getting gut pain. Again history tells me it's an ulcer kicking up. I have a history of ulcers, bleeding and non, and general gut problems so just live with the pain, It's not so bad and I've had experience dealing with pain so no big deal. Come Feb. and comparative scans of kidney make urologist think problem is complex cyst which is going nowhere in any big hurry -- monitor and act accordingly. But gut pain and misery increase -- first week of March takes me to St. Mary's ER. Pain is in the 8 - 9 scale of 10, disabling and makes me consider pulling the antique .38 out of the drawer. Time to kill or cure and certainly time for some IV pain killer.
More xrays, CT scans, tests and some bright doctor tells me he thinks the problem is with my pancreas. Seems there is about a 2 inch cyst, tumor, cancer, growth, something this is blocking ducts and generally causing a lot of problems. Five days in St. Marys, down to 155 pounds, but feeling half alive with help of dilaludid for pain. Conference with half dozen docs, nurses, chaplains sends me for PET scan for better look at pancreas. I hear of the Whipple procedure for the first time in my life. While I'm in St. Mary's I find the doctor I want for this -- Dr. Reddy, Indian and devout Hindu. Besides being a capable doctor he also understands my philosophy and we are operating on the same page. Karma. PET scan is about 3 hours of xrays and $3000. Here's the impressions.
You can see there's the pancreas, you see the kidney, also other problems. AAA has grown from 3cm to 3.8 cm and will have to be taken care of at 5.0 cm. Pancreas cancer means Whipple procedure or certain death, probably both.
I call Dr. Ward the radiologist who supplied the above impressions so I can ask some first hand impressions. Not good. He gives me 10 or 20 percent chance of NOT having pancreatic cancer. I schedule biopsy at California Paficic Medical Center in SFO -- best docs and best equipment. In the meantime I have enough time to research pancreatic cancer on the web and with the informtion I have available figure I have 3 to 6 months left on the planet. I get will, living will, durable power of attorney effected and write my obituary which I send to my brother for publication at appropriate time.
But we run into a surprise over at SFO. Best equipment and best docs do biopsy which shows negative. No cancer is good news but there are still problems to be addressed. CPMC suggests the Whipple anyway and just simply cut out the problem. They try to schedule the surgery but I balk, saying I'll consult with Dr. Reddy before making any sort of decision.
A couple of days back from SFO and I see Dr. Reddy. We go over everything. I tell him that my purpose is not to try to change my death day but simply to arrive at it with the least amount of pain and suffering. He understands that he cannot change the death day and is simply doing his karmic dance along with me and others associated. I tell him my aversion to the Whipple -- only option really but not an attractive one at all -- major, major surgery with poor results. Looks like it might give you 6 months or a year extra but most of that time will be spent in recovery so what's the real purpose. Cost estimate is 3 to 5 hundred thousand dollars.
So, we decide go on hold. I'm given more meds to take up the slack of partially functioning pancreas and have the meds for all the other stuff. It's 7:30 and I've had three doses so far. By bedtime I'll gobble down a dozen more pills, tabs, caps, and a couple of liquids.
In a month I'll go thru another PET scan and other appropriate testing, we'll compare results and take it from there.
I've been able to get through this so far without panic, fear, anger or any of the usually associated emotions when confronted with the final stage of life. I know that karma is just, fair, beautiful in its intricate workings and that I am getting exactly what I deserve. No complaints.
One more interesting factor. 3 or 4 nights back I awakened after one of my 2 or 3 hour nightly naps and discovered that I was soaking wet. Night clothes soaked, bed and covers wet. I'd had a terrible sweat of some kind but woke up feeling okay. No pain or very little since then and appetite returned with a vengeance. I checked last evening and I've put on 8 pounds, had to slack out my belt an inch, and am getting some energy back. Remember the kamis in two shops did intense Bishwakarma puja for me and folks far and wide have been kind enough to offer up puja on my behalf.
I am not sure what constitutes a miracle but I know things happen doctors cannot explain. People die for apparently no reason and live when they should not -- it's just getting to the death day.
So this is where it stands today boys and girls. I may lose the battle but I'm going to try to win the war. Understand?
Now we can get off this for a month even though it's right on topic since it has everything to do with khukuris.
This roller coaster ride started last May and has not stopped. In May when I was home just after Dad had his first heart attack when I saw him I knew -- something innate, deep inside, that small still voice of Karma whispered and reminded me that if I wanted to spend some quality time with Dad I'd better get it done because he was not going to be in this world much longer. I got it done -- nice days of one on one together with Dad playing mostly the old "do you remember?" game. Good times, nice times, sweet times, and I am ever so thankful I was able to get this done. It gives me some comfort to know that I gave Dad his last real bath in the tub and his last haircut albeit not such a fancy one. And, perhaps most importantly to me and probably Dad was the fact that I was able to arrange some top shelf Buddhist pujas for Dad which helped him in his passing and is probably still holding him in good stead. Although Dad was not an official Buddhist he did not enter the Bardo as a stranger. Knowing this brings a certain amount of peace to me.
Then come September -- I'm back for another visit and awaken one Am and piss some nasty looking blood. Two days of pain and blood and then it starts to clear up. Two weeks of no appetite takes off 10 pounds. A history of kidney stones tells me that is probably the problem so when I get back to Reno I arrange a CT scan to spot the stone location and size. Tilt! We find a golf ball sized cyst or tumor in the left kidney. Ultrasounds and more scans tend to make the radiologists think there is possible cancer. Trips to urologists and nephrologists more scans and testing and most are leaning toward cancer and showing up other possible problem areas -- liver, AAA, prostate and a couple of other questionable areas. I prepare myself for cancer and loss of my left kidney.
First of year I start getting gut pain. Again history tells me it's an ulcer kicking up. I have a history of ulcers, bleeding and non, and general gut problems so just live with the pain, It's not so bad and I've had experience dealing with pain so no big deal. Come Feb. and comparative scans of kidney make urologist think problem is complex cyst which is going nowhere in any big hurry -- monitor and act accordingly. But gut pain and misery increase -- first week of March takes me to St. Mary's ER. Pain is in the 8 - 9 scale of 10, disabling and makes me consider pulling the antique .38 out of the drawer. Time to kill or cure and certainly time for some IV pain killer.
More xrays, CT scans, tests and some bright doctor tells me he thinks the problem is with my pancreas. Seems there is about a 2 inch cyst, tumor, cancer, growth, something this is blocking ducts and generally causing a lot of problems. Five days in St. Marys, down to 155 pounds, but feeling half alive with help of dilaludid for pain. Conference with half dozen docs, nurses, chaplains sends me for PET scan for better look at pancreas. I hear of the Whipple procedure for the first time in my life. While I'm in St. Mary's I find the doctor I want for this -- Dr. Reddy, Indian and devout Hindu. Besides being a capable doctor he also understands my philosophy and we are operating on the same page. Karma. PET scan is about 3 hours of xrays and $3000. Here's the impressions.
You can see there's the pancreas, you see the kidney, also other problems. AAA has grown from 3cm to 3.8 cm and will have to be taken care of at 5.0 cm. Pancreas cancer means Whipple procedure or certain death, probably both.
I call Dr. Ward the radiologist who supplied the above impressions so I can ask some first hand impressions. Not good. He gives me 10 or 20 percent chance of NOT having pancreatic cancer. I schedule biopsy at California Paficic Medical Center in SFO -- best docs and best equipment. In the meantime I have enough time to research pancreatic cancer on the web and with the informtion I have available figure I have 3 to 6 months left on the planet. I get will, living will, durable power of attorney effected and write my obituary which I send to my brother for publication at appropriate time.
But we run into a surprise over at SFO. Best equipment and best docs do biopsy which shows negative. No cancer is good news but there are still problems to be addressed. CPMC suggests the Whipple anyway and just simply cut out the problem. They try to schedule the surgery but I balk, saying I'll consult with Dr. Reddy before making any sort of decision.
A couple of days back from SFO and I see Dr. Reddy. We go over everything. I tell him that my purpose is not to try to change my death day but simply to arrive at it with the least amount of pain and suffering. He understands that he cannot change the death day and is simply doing his karmic dance along with me and others associated. I tell him my aversion to the Whipple -- only option really but not an attractive one at all -- major, major surgery with poor results. Looks like it might give you 6 months or a year extra but most of that time will be spent in recovery so what's the real purpose. Cost estimate is 3 to 5 hundred thousand dollars.
So, we decide go on hold. I'm given more meds to take up the slack of partially functioning pancreas and have the meds for all the other stuff. It's 7:30 and I've had three doses so far. By bedtime I'll gobble down a dozen more pills, tabs, caps, and a couple of liquids.
In a month I'll go thru another PET scan and other appropriate testing, we'll compare results and take it from there.
I've been able to get through this so far without panic, fear, anger or any of the usually associated emotions when confronted with the final stage of life. I know that karma is just, fair, beautiful in its intricate workings and that I am getting exactly what I deserve. No complaints.
One more interesting factor. 3 or 4 nights back I awakened after one of my 2 or 3 hour nightly naps and discovered that I was soaking wet. Night clothes soaked, bed and covers wet. I'd had a terrible sweat of some kind but woke up feeling okay. No pain or very little since then and appetite returned with a vengeance. I checked last evening and I've put on 8 pounds, had to slack out my belt an inch, and am getting some energy back. Remember the kamis in two shops did intense Bishwakarma puja for me and folks far and wide have been kind enough to offer up puja on my behalf.
I am not sure what constitutes a miracle but I know things happen doctors cannot explain. People die for apparently no reason and live when they should not -- it's just getting to the death day.
So this is where it stands today boys and girls. I may lose the battle but I'm going to try to win the war. Understand?
Now we can get off this for a month even though it's right on topic since it has everything to do with khukuris.
keep fighting
Is that why this is everything to do with khuks 
No pain, even for a few hours is a wonderful thing. Love, friends, no pain, food, sex, khukuris. These are a few of my favorite things. 
