Master Williams:
I am so sorry to hear you are abdicating the throne so soon, I was in the process of compiling words of wisdom, and other legends, to create a book of your gospel. The more P.R. you get, the truer and more unchallengeable your claims become. Perhaps I will make web page out of it so that we can enlighten many 15 year olds, but most importantly, sell as many super blades as possible.
One legend that I feel could account for the supreme nature of your work would have to be the sphincter drawing technique. It is said that a most secret process of rectally tempering a blade was developed by the ancient peoples of the Siberian region. This not only allowed the Mongols to conquer China in the 13th century, but also led to the stunning victories over the Japanese in the Russo-Japanese war. You see the Japanese originally knew this technique but slowly abandoned it in pursuit of faster and cheaper manufacturing methods. This accounts for the supernatural powers of the ancient Japanese swords versus the lesser blades made latter on.
It seems that this supreme blade making technique was kept alive after the advent of firearms, by the monastic orders in the very rural areas of Russia, until the Tsars managed to wipe out all practitioners but one- Rasputin. Drawing on secret energies derived from the powerful combination of certain spicy foods and cheap Vodka, the mad monk was able to transform common butter knives into blades that had the appearance of bulat steel (some say it is the origin of bulat) and could cut gun barrels in half lengthwise! So powerful was the energy of his bowels in these blades that their presence could be sensed from several feet away (even father, if your sinuses were clear).
Anyhow, it is said that before Rasputin died he taught this technique the imperial family only to have it lost entirely at the hands of Bolsheviks. Or so it was believed
It is said that on a visit to the U.S. Anastasia took time to show it to the ancestors of an American smith, who have kept the secret alive to this day. Could this smith be you?
Hold on
O.K., I had a non-believer standing over my shoulder who started going on about Anna Anderson and something about DNA testing, but I have now beat him into enlightenment! Anyhow, I have seen (and smelled) blades made from this technique and I have found that if you hold it under a cloudless sky you can see blue areas in the blade, and we all know what that means! Superior without a doubt!
Hold on again
This filthy heretic had the audacity to ask for an explanation of what the heck the blue tells us about the performance of the knives! The nerve! I managed to throw enough techno-babble at him to send him leafing through some ASM books, until I can come up with better smoke and mirrors!
Anyhow I think this legend would be perfect for your movement (no pun intended). It draws on just enough history to borrow an air of credibility, and yet is completely beyond the reach of verifiable facts that any naysayer could oppose it with. It draws on plenty of ancient mysticism, including the almighty Katana. It is full of enough secrets that nobody in their right mind could ask you to explain too much or provide any materials for independent examination.
Now I will figure out a whole bunch of tests to put the blades to that will have absolutely nothing to do with how knives are used. Perhaps we could make a golf club out of it and have Tiger Woods shoot a few holes with it against my neighbor, who can hold his own on a miniature put-put golf course, mind you. That will prove its superiority! It can make Tiger Woods golf better than most of the golfers out there! Of course the logical conclusion of a pro golfer using a steel for hitting golf balls is proof positive that the smith is a great knifemaker!
Arrrgh
that dirty...
This $#@!* asked me to provide any facts or references to possible explanations that could aid him in his search through those infernal lying books. ASM, Edgar Bain, what do they know. I have personally smelled this phenomenon, argue with that you %@#! Facts, or explanations to support my claims!? They need to understand that we may make any outrageous claims and it is up to them to prove us wrong. If he says burden of proof one more time I shall kill him for you master!
Then I will get right on that flavored creamer thing! That is indeed wrong! Might I suggest that we also forbid anything with the word latte in its title, it seems improper for any red blooded American male to have anything to do with latte.
