How do you deal with negative/sarcastic family members?

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AmadeusM

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How do you deal with members of your family who are negative, sarcastic, and bitter, whose comments and remarks (and even tone of voice) irritate you easily?

Thanks.
 
Don't engage them in conversation and ignore them when they speak. I have gone so far as to tell one of my brother in-law's to stay away from me or I will kick his ass. Since I am bigger and stronger than him and he knows I'm not kidding, this arrangement has worked out very well.

Mike
 
I have to deal with a LOT of negativity, from time to time, with my mother. She's made a lot of bad/destructive decisions in her life and does get very negative at times. My brother responds according to his natural instinct, ie, he gets angry and attacks her for her poor decisionmaking. He clearly does that because he cares, and he's frustrated. She responds by attacking him and his decisions. I respond by telling her that she is talking about her son, and there really isn't anything to be gained from attacking him. I tell her that I know that she wants the best for him, but she isn't displaying that to him. I then explain to her that she is feeling bad about the decisions she has made and being attacked by my brother isn't helping matters. I encourage her to tell him that rather than attacking him.

That was an example of a method I use in dealing with a negative family member. In my situation, I cannot stop talking to her. She's my mother. I love her dearly and worry about her daily. :rolleyes: Instead, if she says something negative to me about my family, or anything personal to me for that matter, I respond by politely telling her that she is being ridiculously negative, I acknowledge that I know that she wants the best for me, but tell her that she isn't showing it.

How do I deal with a negative family member? There's nothing to be gained by jumping on the bandwagon. The truth of the matter is that you care about him/her, otherwise you wouldn't be doing mental acrobatics trying to figure out how to deal with the negativity. Don't buy into it. Try to be upbeat. Don't accept personal attacks, but don't attack back either. Respond by telling the person that you love him/her. If the basis for the negativity is their lot in life, then try to give helpful and nonjudgmental strategies for the person to get out of the situation.

If the negativity is so bad that you cannot deal with it without acting out, then step back and take a break from this person for awhile. Perhaps send a card once in awhile to let the person know that you still care. Good luck.
 
Living a good distance away will solve most family problems - stay out of gossip range, avoid problems of irritation caused by overexposure, and stay away during family-gathering events.

You can still visit family and have family as guests. But don't extend visitation times beyond two days. Don't have more than one family at a time. And hide the booze.

-Bob
 
Avoid them like the plague they are.


An Eastern Orthodox priest once gave me some great advice on dealing with people like that, in his seminary they taught them about certain types of people called "spiritual black holes", they play at wanting help to change, don't really want to change and they will suck you in and take you down with them if you don't stop it.

Theory works well in the secular world to, certain sects of Zen call these types "shadow warriors", chaos follows wherever they go, leaving a path of emotional destruction in their wake.

Stay away from them.
 
Don't talk to them and you won't have to deal with it. If that person is close to you. Just tell him/her off.

I think these type of family members are not that bad compared to the show offs. They talk a lot of BS which is even worse. In Malaysia we call this 'Talk Cock'.
 
FWIW, negativism CAN be related to untreated derpession.....been there, lived that!:cool:
 
I ignore them. They used to bother me until I figured out that I can live without them or their attitude.
 
Larry S. said:
FWIW, negativism CAN be related to untreated derpession.....been there, lived that!:cool:
Click to expand...

I think so too. This person also has a habit of making generalizations that a 5 year old would not make, and it is a psychological nightmare to watch the news for example, with him. I can always tell him that he is sick and that I am tired of listening to his bullshi*, but, he is my dad. And the worst part is that this behavior is really bad for his health.

I guess I need to take a harder stance and tell him that 1) I really don't need to hear his horsesh*t comments (especially since I am leaving home again, soon), and 2) if he needs help, he should seek it outside the home, without being a burden on my mother.
 
Simple: I embrace them. I need someone to kick back with to make fun of the family.

Then again, I am probably one of the people you are refering to. Although, I have a good sense of humor about it, Im still quite cynical and sarcastic.

I would just ignore them if you cant handle their personality. You might try hanging around them and seeing if you find them entertaining. Good luck either way.
 
If they are just bummers/downers/drags/sad sacks and not downright evil.
Just take them in small doses.

If the run the same old BS, sooner or later, on every visit.
Get up and leave when it starts.
"Oh, time to go. Bye!"
After a few times they might even catch on.

If they are downright evil.
Excommunicate them from your lives.
And you don't even have to tell them that your doing it ;)
It isn't worth it and they aint gunna change.

The above have worked for me.
Especially the last one.

And Bob W. is right...
Hide the booze.
 
My sister is rich, and I (usually) feel that she looks down on me because I am not. (Yes, this is justified on my part (for me to say, I mean), because she brags about her money and all the "stuff" she has that doesn't even appeal to me.) She is also married to a man who makes good money, although she makes more than him (not that that really has anything to do with anything.)

My father just fired me because Jim is an as$hole... (you might find this on another thread.) I am still the only one speaking to him after certain "family issues."

I am currently unemployed, but I sent out, and hand-delivered, as many resumes, along with lists of references, as I could, beginning the very day I was fired. (H still won't admit he fired me; he says I quit, but the truth is that he lost his temper and said some really rude and hurtful things to me, which he later felt bad about, but we still both agreed that we just shouldn't work together.)

My oldest brother is in jail, serving nine years for attempted bank robbery (unarmed, but high on drugs and lied about having a gun. He "should" be out soon, if he plays his cards right. He was recently transferred to a maximum-security prison in Texas, but won't admit to any of us exactly WHY.)

My second-oldest brother is currently back in school trying, as I am, to figure out what he wants to do with his life. Meanwhile, he has a baby and an intelligent, beautiful wife who makes enough to pay the bills and stuff, and they have a gorgeous house in Georgia.

My parents recently separated (a few months ago, after nearly thirty years married.)

I am me. I love my family, but when they make me feel bad about myself, I tend to shut them out until I am emotionally-stable enough to deal with them. This is mainly my sister and my father. My mother is probably my best friend. She and I are so alike in some ways that it is scary... What is more scary is that my oldest brother (the one in jail) is almost exactly like us in certain ways, and he didn't even grow up with us.

I guess my point is... it takes all kinds of people to make a family. Half the time you may love them and half the time you may hate them, but hopefully you will have SOMETHING in common with all of them. My sister has probably hurt me worse than anyone else ever could, but I still love her and I know she loves me. Don't sweat the small stuff. If someone (family or not) is making you miserable, you need to take a break from that person until you are able to contemplate the situation and deal with it rationally. Then, if the person is a complete self-centered a-hole, well, at least you tried, right? ;)

Good luck, and I hope things work out for the best.

~ashes
 
AmadeusM said:
I think so too. This person also has a habit of making generalizations that a 5 year old would not make, and it is a psychological nightmare to watch the news for example, with him. I can always tell him that he is sick and that I am tired of listening to his bullshi*, but, he is my dad. And the worst part is that this behavior is really bad for his health.

I guess I need to take a harder stance and tell him that 1) I really don't need to hear his horsesh*t comments (especially since I am leaving home again, soon), and 2) if he needs help, he should seek it outside the home, without being a burden on my mother.
Click to expand...

AmadeusM, my dad was kinda of the same way, but we found out later that
he had "prefrontal lobe dys....." i can't remeber the name but it is similar
to ALS. Enjoy your time as much as you can, one never knows when it all
can be taken away.
Consider that My dad would tell the same story over and over because that
was all that he could remember. :(

Good Luck.
 
Only come from one person on my wifes side of the family. I took it for years while nodding and smiling politely, then told him I'd **&^%ing kill his ass if he ever set foot on my property or near my family again. So far he hasn't, but of course he's not eligible for parole for another five years or so. :mad:

Guess I lost my diplomacy and tact on that one, eh? :eek:

In most normal situations, I guess I'd just point out that they're behaving inappropriately and ask them why. If they don't knock off the crap leave (or ask them to leave) the key is to confront them, and not let your own level of anger build up.
 
AmadeusM said:
How do you deal with members of your family who are negative, sarcastic, and bitter, whose comments and remarks (and even tone of voice) irritate you easily?

Thanks.
Click to expand...

I am the negative sarcastic bitter family member in my family!
 
AcesAndEights said:
Simple: I embrace them. I need someone to kick back with to make fun of the family.

Then again, I am probably one of the people you are refering to. Although, I have a good sense of humor about it, Im still quite cynical and sarcastic.

I would just ignore them if you cant handle their personality. You might try hanging around them and seeing if you find them entertaining. Good luck either way.
Click to expand...
Kinda like this guy?
movies.shining.jpg
:eek: :eek: :eek:
 
You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family.

I've been in the habit of flat out avoiding those family members that got under my skin, and I think in the short term, it is a good solution. But if you suspect their personality is an unfortunate consequence of something more serious, do what you can to get them the help they need. In retrospect, I'm pretty sure my father was schizophrenic or bipolar. Looking back now, there's no doubt he was suffering, but at the time, not me, my sister, or my mother could look past his behavior to seriously attempt to get him some help. Now he's gone, and the occasional nagging voice in the back of my head says that things didn't have to end this way.

Having people get help is hard, but then, how many things worth doing in life come easy?
 
Thanks for your input. :)

I guess I gotta talk to him and try to help. He is my dad, and he is a person who would not hesitate to give his life for me, so I have to respect that.
 
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