Knife Madness

Jul 8, 1999
This brief instruction will help you to recognize when you have slipped over the edge and plunged inescapably into Obsessive Compulsive Knife Disorder. Check yourself for these symptoms. Or better yet, have a trusted friend do the check. He will probably be more objective, you know, about denial and all that.

1. Your non-knife friends keep asking questions like "Hey, what are all those things hanging off your belt anyway?"

2. At frequent intervals you pull out your current favorite knife and go on a search for something to slice, because that is what knives do.

3. You are afflicted with a mild dread that your knife is not quite as sharp as it could be.

4. Simultaneously you become aware that you have NO hair on your left arm, and that bald patches have mysteriously begun to appear on your left leg.

5. You embark on a search for other dudes who like knives the way they are supposed to be liked by real men. You are generally unsuccesful in this attempt, and meet mostly with callous indifference. You check into the hospital for treatment of shock and mumbling problems.

6.People who discover your knife interest look somewhat askance at you, clucking their tongues and raising their brows. You see a white jacket reflected in their eyes.

7. You see some of your favorite knives twice a year down at the safety deposit box. But hey!

8. You sometimes pull out your knife and just stare at it.

9. You ALWAYS have to show someone else how sharp your knife is.

10. Your wife maintains an apparently staunch and disinterested self-control when she sees you with your knives, but you are almost certain you can see the laughter behind her crafty facade.

11. Whan you hold the "Ultimate" knife in your hands, your entire vocabulary is temporarily reduced to meaningless phrases like "Oh Wow, Man."

12. No one understands you.

Some call this a disease, but it is neither serious nor regrettable. Sleep soundly. Do not fret. This is the essence of normality.Enjoy it. Let THEM worry. Heck, you've got too much stuff to slice up anyway. And your going to be very busy buying new knives.

Dr. Tungnchic

I've got it bad.

Don't know if there's a cure....oh man.....

Time to head to the knife shop for my maintenance medication...oh man ...oh man ...

So Sharp...
Unbelievable, there are other people out there who have the same symptoms. Thought I was alone. I guess that I am afflicted.

I am among my own at Bladeforums.

Now that I have come to terms with the fact that I have an illness, I must do something about it. I think that if I could only find the ultimate knife (which is good at all tasks that a knife could possibly be used for, is aesthetically beatiful, ergonimically perfect, convenient to carry, and easy to maintain) then I will stop buying knives.

At least until I see a better one.