life

Kabar, There's a reason that there is such a consistency to the responses in this thread to your problem. It's obvious to everyone that she's big trouble and there isn't a snowball's chance of her changing. I've been there, too, as have many others who've replied to you. You're being used. Very sorry to say it man, but there it is. But, there is a solution to this problem. Get away from her as fast as you can and no matter what she does to try to get you back into her sad/sick game, stay away from her at alll costs! This is one of life's hard lessons and you've got the support of all of us here at BF, so you're one-up on many others. Bail out, dude!
 
I would say that most folks here agree, no matter how their advice is phrased:

It is time to get the hell out of Dodge.
 
IF you decide not to leave her, please contact me. I've got this wonderful plot of land in Florida that I'm sure you too would be happy living on for the rest of your lives. ;)
 
Yeah, what everybody else said. She is so messed up that it will take years for her to not be messed up, and that is only after she realizes she needs to change. Maybe you getting away from her will make that happen.

No offense, but you need to look in your own heart and ask yourself why you would put up with all of her crap. I know that you might think it's because you love her, but you can still care about her and let her and her abusive ways go. Get single, work on your self esteem, and look for a nice girl that won't treat you so badly.

If you want to keep in touch with her, that's your decision of course. Do not act as her emotional support any more though, and DO NOT have "for old time's sake" sex with her. She's a mess and will continue to try to spread her mess on you by any means she can (sex and crying being two common tools). She's probably doing it to Mr. #2 right now.

She is doing you a favor by letting you find out how she really is before things go too far (marriage and/or babies).

Good luck to you and good riddance to her.
 
your right, i think its pretty much over.

ive got other problems to deal with now, my faimly hates me because of all of this. ive been constantly getting cussed out and i hear them talking behind my back. if i walk in to a room they all get up and leave.

i think its time i move on with my whole life, drop every thing i knew and loved and just leave. im fighting strong urges to kill my self, eather way thats probably whats going to happin sooner or later.
 
KaBar said:
your right, i think its pretty much over.

ive got other problems to deal with now, my faimly hates me because of all of this. ive been constantly getting cussed out and i hear them talking behind my back. if i walk in to a room they all get up and leave.

i think its time i move on with my whole life, drop every thing i knew and loved and just leave. im fighting strong urges to kill my self, eather way thats probably whats going to happin sooner or later.
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Dumbest decision you would ever make in your life. PERIOD!!! Why end yours? I'm serious when I say the following. MOVE TO ANOTHER STATE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Short background about me: Been instituitionalized (sp?) day after Christmas till New Year's Eve for attempting suicide/killing my bro. Bi-Polar and Manic Depressent. Parents divorced, friends murdered, friends lied/stole/etc, kicked outta school for terroristic threat, done drugs, lived a not so good but not so bad life.

What did I end up doing? One day, after my mom visited Alaska, she suggesting moving here. So my bro and I joined her. BEST DECISION OF MY LIFE!!! Did I run from my problems? No. I simply moved to a place where I could be analyze it. I found a wonderful church, and more importantly I found God. My life is going better due to not being around those things that were crippling me. I have a fresh start and new people to interact with. I chose the right path this time and maybe that is what you should consider. I am only 22 myself and have my whole life ahead of me. Figure out what your goals are or make some. Mine is to guide float trips on the Kenai over summer, moose hunting in the fall and the Bahamas in the winter.

I have found that I need to focus more on me, rather that others. There are nasty people out there. There always will be. I finally figured out to avoid them and to seek out the good/caring people. I'm serious when I say, maybe look into another state to live in or another city. Get a fresh start and focus on what is best for you.

Ditch the girl, she isn't worth it. The right one will come along later on when least expect it. Death is permanent, but moving is reversable ;)

Besides, you can't collect knives from the grave. :(



Edit: Another thing. Don't make any decisions till you get your head on straight. When you are in the middle of a storm, don't move. Just drop your anchor and wait till the storm settles a little before you make a choice. Some are forever and cannot be reversed. Get some sleep, read a book, etc. and let the depression/despair pass so you can see things in a clearer light.
 
Come on, you say you want to die just because you probably think it's the easiest solution, but that's just too easy. That would definitely be the WRONG decision, and you know it. When you get caught into such uncomfortable situation, the best way to deal with it, is to manage to extract yourself from this situation and put it into perspective. I knew someone who used to say: "if what happens to you is terrible now but you know you won't have to care about it in 5 years, then that's not terrible "... I don't know if the translation of my thoughts are right, but I think you can catch the point. Many of us here probably went through such bad experiences, some even worse, but I think they'll probably tell you too: to learn about life can't be taught with only nice stories, sometimes life gets harsh, but so far in my case, the toughest part of my experiences were probably the ones from which I've learned most (maybe that's the way it is because I'm stubborn and slow to learn :D), but I'm still able to enjoy life ;)
 
My mother's brother killed himself after being cheated on and dumped by a woman. Put a 12 gauge shotgun under his chin and pulled the trigger. This was before I was born, I am now age 59, and my mother to this day still has emotional problems because of this.

The woman was the aunt of one of my best childhood friends. She visited them a lot. I knew her from her middle age onward. I have never met a more foul-mouthed, chain-smoking, unattractive, unpleasant person in my life. Even as a child, the thought kept running through my mind, "He killed himself over this?" She died in a nursing home of lung cancer, still smoking through her tracheotomy hole.

There has to be a lesson for you in this story somewhere.
 
leatherbird said:
I know it hurts but you will save yourself a truckload of grief if you cut her loose now.
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Mr. Leatherbird has come very close to a truth.

This situation our friend Kabar finds himself in is a lot like winning one of those big lottery prizes (well, maybe not as pleasant, but still a like it). You have a certain amount of money coming to you; you can take the lump sum payout now, or you can take monthly payments over the next thirty years. In most cases, the lump sum is less than the sum of the monthly payments.

In this case, Mr. Kabar, you've been assigned a certain amount, a truckload, of grief. You can have it now in one lump sum, or you can take in monthy payments for the next thirty years. Belive me, while the lump-sum option looks really, really bad, the lump-sum is less than the sum of the monthly payments would be. Dump her, take the lump sum, suffer through it, and be done with it.
 
KaBar said:
my faimly hates me because of all of this. ive been constantly getting cussed out and i hear them talking behind my back. if i walk in to a room they all get up and leave.
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Blood is thicker than water. Your family will get over this.

A lot of them probably had this idea that everything between the two of you was just perfect, storybook romance etc., and that y'all'd be gettin' hitched pretty quick. It's hard for them to let go of that. They're loosing something just like you are. But, just as you will get over it, so will they.
 
I'll just echo everyone else, get out but make it clean; there's no sense in making the pain worse for either of you.

I've been in the same situation and it sucks, it hurts, but you'll get through it.

Hang in there buddy, you'll come out stronger and wiser.
 
Listen to everyone here, i see lots of good advice. Get rid of her. Then get it off your mind for a bit by doing things, that has always helped me. I could build a friggen house when i'm depressed or worked up over some she-creatures antics. Then after a while i can look at things without my head clouded by so much emotion, then i can make whatever decision i need to make.

I hope that helps a bit.
 
Psychopomp said:
I'll just echo everyone else, get out but make it clean; there's no sense in making the pain worse for either of you.

I've been in the same situation and it sucks, it hurts, but you'll get through it.

Hang in there buddy, you'll come out stronger and wiser.
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I think her pain is of no concern here....
 
I can't add much except... once a cheater, always a cheater. Do not take her back. Cheaters eventually will get some kind of VD too. Why take the chance of her giving you something that may be permanent? Herpes? AIDS? Hep-C? Nothing I'd ever want.
 
I have been following your postings from when I started, because I am so impressed by your gun collection and knowledge of them, so I guess I only know a bit about you from what you post. I really put you a lot older than 20, certainly for what you have achieved in your life, even more amazing that you are so young.

One of the customers in my pub in England used to say to young people he was advising, 'I have been as young as you, but you have never been as old as me'.

I am 52 and can tell you that the best time I had with women was between 30 and 40. Been married and divorced twice, widowed once and now with a lovely lady number 4. Yvsa, was the first to say it and it is true. Regrettably 16 and 17 year olds are like that. They don't know what they want and they aren't mature enough to make the right and honest decisions in life. I realise I am painting with a very broad brush here, but you know what I mean.

I take it that nice house where you live is your parents then? If they leave a room when you enter, pin a note up somewhere and tell them what the girl is like. Hell, print this discussion off. Whatever happens, they will get over it in the same way you will. Clean your guns, go and spray the garden with lead, go to the range, build that fireplace in the basement ;) but do something constructive, not destructive. You do the unthinkable, she wins, you lose.

Time is a great healer. You hang in there sunshine, 'I have been as young as you, but you have never been as old as me'. :)

Edited to add: I was drifting off to sleep last night and was still troubled by your predicament. There was something I meant to say and couldn't pinpoint it. Then I remembered... "why she had been sad was because he dumped her".

She was sad because HE dumped her! Not because she had upset you, and you had found out she was unfaithful to you. You have to see that this is a very wrong attitude towards you and a very selfish girl.

Each day will get easier as soon as you say "she is mine no more, I am a free man".
 
KaBar said:
i think its time i move on with my whole life, drop every thing i knew and loved and just leave. im fighting strong urges to kill my self, eather way thats probably whats going to happin sooner or later.
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KaBar,
Don't make any rash decisions right now. Give yourself time. In a year or so the pain you feel now will be a dull and distant memory. Your life will be much more fun without this relationship. If you are seriously fighting the urge to kill yourself GET HELP NOW!

Talk to a psychologist or a minister, whichever is most appealing to you. Do both if you want. If you don't have insurance for a counselor then look into local "community health" type situations. I have a friend that pays $10 a visit to see a counselor and it has helped him a lot. If that isn't available in your area, then call local mental health professionals and ask them if they can work on a sliding scale. Tell them that you are fighting urges to hurt yourself and one of them should have the decency to cut you a break.

I had a friend kill herself and I am still deeply wounded by it. Even though it might feel like nobody cares, believe me you will be hurting somebody that does. That person is probably somebody you care a lot about too.
 
My turn..

Kabar..at 20 problems that are so huge and impossible to scale are subjects of laughing chuckles at yourself 20 years laters. That said here are my random thoughts.

Suicide is the cowards way of dealing with lifes problems. I am not saying that to hurt you or anyone who has dealt with this tradgedy but it is true. Instead of taking the easy way out you need to face, confront, and fight your problems, In the end it will make you a better man.

Cut yourself a little slack. You are not supposed to know everything how the world or life works at 20. Accept that and allow yourself the ability to make a few mistakes, Just make sure that you learn from them.

Your girlfriend needs to be dumped. Get her out of your life in a permanent way. The fact that she makes statements like I wont let you see my pictures you just have to "trust" me shows the deep level of her immaturity. Trust is earned it is not given. You cannot trust her unless she EARNS that trust. and once trust is gone...it is next to impossible to get it back

Part of your problems that you are having right now is what every 20 year old male faces. Dude this mess is perfectly normal. When I was 20 my parents and I could not sit in the same room together without a argument.I had a girlfriend who I was crazy about and wanted to marry until one night she was acting wierd and told me about her Fiance...WTF ..... :eek: I thought my family and friends hated me also. I did drive them nuts but they still loved me. Right now you are dealing with a lot of change. Your trying to find a soul mate, your lifes passion in terms of vocation, and your character as an adult. That is a heck of a lot of turmoil, and change. At 40 I no longer deal with these issues and you wont either but you have to make good decisions now. This girl, and Suicide are obviously ( and I think you have figured this out) bad decisions..ok..live with it but make the changes needed and move on.

Best of luck to you. Remember that life is not fair but you do have people that care and have faith that people who treat people with dignity and respect usually end up winning in life in the end. Those that dont...well...they dont..
 
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