Moderators, Ernest. Tragedy within the brotherhood. Please take a minute to read. Thank you.

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Damn colubrid... just catching up here, and I saw this... I am so sorry for your loss and all the heartache you and your daughter had to endure. So glad too that there were some good times amid all that hardship. As a dad of four I shutter and choke and cry when I imagine your pain and sorrow. I can only hope that by knowing there are others here that feel your pain too, your burden is made even just a bit lighter. I may not know you, but I'm heart-broken reading your story--as they say here, smoke and prayers to you.
 
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Colubrid ... The brightest lights burn twice as fast and half as long. Prayers and thoughts sent your way.
 

colubrid

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Thanks guys. Just to let those who came late to this thread. My daughter was alive when this thread started. Now it has been 15 days since she passed. Her funeral was Monday Sept 10th. And that is when the shock wore off and I started feeling really bad (worse than before she passed and was suffering). SO the fact you guys post make me feel good. Is hard for any parent to lose a child. But I was the only parent and person in her life. So for me being mom, dad and friend.. Is hard on me and I just want you all to know what you Emerson guys on this sub forum are doing is helping me deal with missing her. Us parents that lose a child kinda go nuts a little. So the support I get from all of you is so sweet. Love my Emersons and love you all associated with Mr. Emersons character and how he chose to live his life. Which I think we all try to emulate.
 

abbydaddy

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I know that nothing can really help, but I wanted to share some thoughts that gave me something to hold onto when my little brother died. I am a big fan of the psychological model of attachment theory. In particular, I like the combination of models that Dr. Drew Pinsky talks about (he works in a broad range of influences like polyvagal theory, 12-step communities, and philosophical concepts from Bourdieu). That stuff isn't really important, I just share it as background on where the ideas come from.

The key element of this idea for me is that consciousness (our sense of ourselves, our individual personhood) does not reside in our bodies, but is actually something that emerges out of our connections with other people. Feral children do not truly have a consciousness the same way that we do, because the self is initially created through those most fundamental attachments, our attachments to our parents.

Most of the time people/researchers focus on how those fundamental attachments affect the ways that people behave and interact with other people throughout their lives, but that isn't really what feels the most important (to me) about attachment theory when it comes to loss and grieving. What I think is really important to realize about this theory, is that if it is correct, then the people we love most dearly are not simply important to us, they are us. Who we are as individuals is inseparable from the people we love and the connections we make. We are literally a part of the people we love, and they are a part of us. When we lose someone we love, it doesn't just feel like a part of ourselves has been ripped away, a part of ourselves truly has been ripped away.

When you lost your daughter--when I lost my brother--it didn't just feel like a hole was torn in us, a part of ourselves was literally lost. Because who you are is, and has been, in large part built around your attachment to your daughter. That hole is not just metaphorical, it is real.

The power of our attachments is huge. If you want an example of how attachments can change a person, you can look at recovery programs. Often times a person's problems and/or addictions can be too much for an individual to overcome, but when new healthy attachments are formed, the power of those healthy attachments to shape and remake a person can allow an addict to become someone who thrives (to me, this aspect feels very real because my brother was an addict who got into recovery and was able to really recapture his life before he died in a random car accident). Our attachments are more than ourselves, and have the power to change who we are.

Where I kind of go off on my own (and where I find some comfort) is that I think that when we lose the people we love, while we lose a part of ourselves, we do not lose all of them. A part of who they were is still a part of who you are. It has to be. And when you continue to connect with other people and make new attachments, or even just maintain the ones you already have, a part of your loved one becomes a part of them too. Your daughter is still a part of you, and the other people she loved and connected to, and even though her body is gone, the power of her attachments is still in the world. As long as you are continuing to love and connect with people in your world, a part of her is also shaping the selves of the people in your life and will continue to do so as long as you continue to connect with other people.

It might not be much help, but to me it feels like a little bit of immortality that we can make in this world through love.

I hope this hasn't felt like me overstepping myself. These are just the thoughts and concepts that have helped me. I hardly need to tell you that the pain of these fundamental losses never truly heals, it just becomes a part of us. I think it is important to acknowledge that that pain, loss, and hurt is very real, and not some imaginary metaphor.

Zikhrona livrakha. May her memory be for a blessing.
 

colubrid

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Well first of all no, you are not overstepping yourself. What you said I agree with and I have to think this way. It is a comfort to me and I HAVE TO make a plan for myself. I can't just stay stuck in this. That is not a way for me to be hardened or insensitive. But it is a logical and sane step for me to make. I know this but I have to be sensible. I see so many other parents suffer to extreme loss and turning to drugs and get trapped in a spiral that never gets better. I don't want to be like that and if it was me that died and my daughter was left behind it would be the worst thing for me to think she is going through what I am. In a odd way (maybe Gods mercy) He knows how much I love my daughter and how much she loves me. So today I started making sensible plans and steps.

So your sharing what you have learned helps me a lot.. Again the Emerson members come through for me in ways I cannot and never imagined. I can't express what a blessing and especially where it is coming from (The Emerson brotherhood). Many people here have reached out to me that I respect and they have helped me spiritually and emotionally and monetarily. Just amazing and I am taken back..to say the least.
 

colubrid

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If anyone on here uses FB please PM me and I will share my name and I would be honored to have all of you be part of my friends. I am very picky about the whole FB thing (I think social media is not safe with all details of persons life being shared). But I would love be connected to men of men and hopefully stay connected. Whether is it knife related or any other way. I am blessed to have you all step into my life. The loss of my only daughter and being a single father is not easy ... I don't believe there is anything harder in a mans life to what I am experiencing.
 

cigarrodog

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I just read this thread, now, from start to finish. I’m very sorry for your loss of your precious daughter. Please accept my sincere condolences. May your daughter rest easy. Smoke and prayers for you to be given comfort and strength. You sound like an exceptional father and daughter whose bond will never be broken.
 

colubrid

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I just read this thread, now, from start to finish. I’m very sorry for your loss of your precious daughter. Please accept my sincere condolences. May your daughter rest easy. Smoke and prayers for you to be given comfort and strength. You sound like an exceptional father and daughter whose bond will never be broken.


Thank you cigardog. It is quite a long thread now. Thank you for taking the time to read it and your compassion.. I am taken back by all of you. Really!

To lose a daughter like I have is hard for most to understand. But the thoughts and prayers of this community is remarkable in itself.

Pain will never go away because like one poster said it is a part me that is lost forever. And that is my life. I just hope that all of you with children (can't believe I am typing this) is to be thankful and don't sweat the small stuff. Even things like school and minor surgeries. It will be okay. Just pay close attention and try and raise your children with faith in God. That is YOUR responsibility! There are worse things that happen to us in life and it is not pretty. Have faith that there is more than just a few years on earth.
 

MrPocketsOfSteel

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Thanks guys. I went the inexpensive route and have her remains in a small box now. I plan on distributing her ashes on Maui (Ho'okipa beach) where she had a lua done just for her by the locals and there is even a bench painted with her name and memory there from 2 years back. Receiving that Aloha from the locals I will stand behind them no matter what in life. They are like my family. I would suffer for them no matter what their faith is because I love them.


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I will fly out there one day, do a paddle out and leave her remains in the ocean in Maui. A place as beautiful as she is.

Of course my next thing I look forward to is seeing her again one day because I taught her Gods word and wanted to be sure of her changed heart , which is a result of true salvation and I believe she is resurrected with her heavenly father and wants nothing to do with this fallen system we call the world. So she is fine right where she is. Thanks guys!
Much liked this post. Extremely touching, I'm a little late to the game but recognize all the familiar names etc. I don't know you guy, but hang in there. God and His son is watching.
 
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