new life

K

KaBar

Joined
Dec 30, 2004
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609
several cercumstances has arrisen in my life recently and i might as well spill whats on my mind here sence im currently scared as hell.

to give you a back ground i am 20 years old and ive been dating a 17 year old for 2 years now. we come from total diffrent back grounds, my faimly has always been upper middle class while hers has been, well, dirt poor.

weve had our ups and downs with her parents and shes gone threw a hard time with her parents cheating, going bankrupt and devorce a year ago. right now her mom is dating her married (former) boss :rolleyes: and is, what it amounts to, kicking her daughter out of the house because her mother and her boyfriend want to move in togeather after he ditches his wife (my girlfriends mothers best friend). theres been alot of crap between me and them because of the way that they abuse her (stealing money, neglect, ect...) not to mentchen that i have no respect for those scumb bags any way sence they somehow got me excumunicated from my old church.

ive worked my way threw high school working at a BMW dealership and ive had 3 years at a technical school dual enrolled at a local collage. im ase certified im brakes, engine repair, and engine performance. im also taking heating/ac, automotive parts, and suspension test this week.

i made more part time than her mother makes full time. on top of this, i already own two houses and im the verge of buying a third rough project home for 35k from a member of my faimly to use as another rental. im currently renting one out (750 extra a month income) and im getting ready to move in to the other one with in 3 weeks. there not high end, post ww2 "sears" 3 bed room houses valued at around 65k and the other 125k but its a good starter home.

ive also got several collectable cars that are fully payed for and could be sold off if i got in a bind, infact i should probably thin them out any way. (442, grand national, camaro, skylarks, desoto, and a few others (12 total). so financially im not hurting, theres nothing that i have to get in order to get married. ive been essentially planing our life out for a while now, our house is fully stocked and ready to live in, the only thing that aint turned on is the cable.

origionally we were planing on sometime after she turns 18, in about 4 months. but because of the situation with her mother having to get a new apartment and the whole cheating ordeal shes giving her the option to go ahead and get married. its a big shock to me, im not getting cold feet but ive got the jitters from hell.

this is a whole new life, im still living at home and im nervious about moving out so fast, i guss i feel rushed because all the plans that we had revolved around a big wedding 4 months from now and now it looks like were not going to have a wedding in a week or two. :eek:

im also worried about cash, although on paper with just my check not including hers we can make it but im still freakin out. i guss im just parinoid. any one else ever had the pre wedding jitters?
 
Jitters are normal. It is a big decision that wil affect both of you for years to come.
If it will work out, and it's what you want to do, it seems to be the right choice.
Hoping you making the right decision... :)
 
Don't go running off on us.

Keep in mind that you can choose your bride, but you can't choose your inlaws. If you marry this woman, "those scumb bags" ARE going to be part of your life... for the rest of it. How much a part will depend on your bride and you may wish to discuss that with her before hand.

For example, what happens when mommy's new beau dumps her and throws her out of their appartment which is in his name and she can't afford anyway? How long will mommy be sleeping in your guest room? I'd be a good thing to come to some agreement with your bride-to-be about these sorts of issues before hand.

It would be a very good idea to discuss family relations very frankly with her and make sure that you two see eye-to-eye on those issues. Basically, you are asking her to leave her mother and her father behind and be united to her husband... and you'd better make sure she's ready to do that and intends to do that both now and in the future.

Also, when there is considerable economic disparity between spouses going into a marriage, it's a good idea to get a prenuptual agreement. Lawyers do these sorts of things all the time. They're not very expensive if you stick to a standard formula. When you get married, you're gonna want to have new wills done, living wills/advanced care directives, healthcare powers of attorney, etc. You can get the prenup done as part of the package.

And if you don't feel like you can have these sorts of frank discussions with her over potentially controversial, and potentially emotionally charged issues, then you're not ready to be married anyway.

And as for cable TV, get rid of your TV and live without it. The first week will be horrible. The second will be strange. After that, your life will be much happier. It's sort of like kicking a heroine habit.
 
Some advice, take it or leave it:

Live together before making a final decision.
Move away from her "scumbag" parents' area. Easier now than later.
Be independant, all on your own, for a while. I don't understand why you still live with your parents if you own a home. I'd rather live in a tent...
Keep in mind your girlfriend's youth. She should become independant and settled in her own life before committing to joining your's - education, carreer, etc.
If you're the least bit concerned about finances, do not have a large expensive wedding. It's a waste of money that could be better spent on other things.
Don't rush anything!

I got married when I was 30 and I think that was too young, if you're asking about that. But we had been living together for five years. We jointing owned our home. We were both finished with our primary education. We were both financially independant (she more than I). And we weren't getting married to escape anything.

Best Luck to You and Your Girl,
Bob
 
Don't be in a rush to get married. Just because your wife needs to run away from home doesn't mean getting married. You need to slow down and take a good look at how this will change your life. Good luck with your decision
 
If you're willing to tattoo your GF's name on your forehead, then you're ready to get married. Don't be in such a rush!
 
Wow!

I hate to say it, but I think that this is a terrible idea. Why do you feel that you need to rush into marriage next week? :eek: I think that you've received some really good advice here that you should really consider. Reread what Gollnick said regarding the in-laws. Read it again. Read it again. Now read what others have said because they are all spot on. There is absolutely no way that you can know if your intended is running to you, or whether she is simply running away from them. Marriage is one hell of an expensive and emotionally exhausting escape route. The mother is marrying off her daughter because she is an inconvenience. That's an emotionally traumatic situation. What other traumas has she experienced? What is her coping mechanism?

I had a sorry homelife when I was a kid. I never looked to marry out. My big plan was self-sufficiency. Why isn't hers? Did she learn something from her mother? Dependency? What other lessons has she learned?

I'm really not attacking your girlfriend. I don't know her. I just think that rushing into marriage is always wrongheaded. You're both very young. You cannot save her. She must save herself. She will need to develop her own coping mechanisms. You will need her to teach those skills to your children. Get to know each other better. She has other options, you do not have to get married next week. Stand by her and help her through this difficult time. It doesn't make sense to make such important decisions in the midsts of her family's deterioration. Don't you want her to make the decision to marry you from a stable footing. You both deserve that kind of respect. Good luck to you both.
 
Don't even think about getting married until you're 25. Older would be better.

Your hormones are ruling your brain. If your love is real, it'll last.

Making any major decision "with a gun held to your head" is foolish.

Wait until the situation stabilises, assess your options, then decide.

Wait.

maximus otter
 
Some good advice here. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders but the little fella may be making some decisions that he really isnt qualified to.

When you are young and in love its hard to see the bad and bitterness that can come out of a faltering or broken relationship. I was engaged to a girl when I was 18 long story short it didnt work out and everything that I put into the account for our house got spent or went missing. I was happy enough to come out of it with my sanity and your relationship very well may be more stable, but please consider the 'what if' scenarios.

Don't be afraid to be blunt, too much time is wasted and feelings hurt not to be blunt. You don't have to be mean, but stand your ground on the issues that matter and thsoe that have been mentioned here already (Gollnicks post specifically)

This is not a dressed rehersal, think twice decide once. Don't be afraid to ask an opinion, there are a lot of level heads here and you could do a lot worse.

Remember, there is no rush really to do anything (Unless you had a heavy beer and curry night, but thats a differnt matter ;) ) Just take it one step at a time and don't rush into anything that you are not 100% sure of.
 
maximus otter said:
Don't even think about getting married until you're 25. Older would be better.
Wait.

maximus otter
Click to expand...
.
Having just been married, I'm up on the latest statistics. YOU HAVE A MUCH HIGHER CHANCE OF DIVORCE IF YOU MARRY WHILE STILL YOUNG.
Don't take my word for it, there's lots of proof out there.
Otherwise, good luck. Sorry if that ruined your day.
 
You are consistently getting the same advice here from a lot of different people. There is a reason for that. It is sound, common-sense advice.
 
You could get married but i don't know what difference that would make. Just move in together and try it out.
 
No, DON'T just move in together.

You may end up with practically the same financial obligations as if you were married, when things go wrong. Without the commitment of marriage, your very young girl friend will have even less incentive to grow up.

You have got altogether Too Much Money, and her family has Much Too Little. The laws of physics suggest that your money will be drawn to fill their vacuum.

What you can do is help her find a job and a place of her own. Once she is supporting herself, then you can consider more permanent arrangements.

Why is the time frame so constricted? (Because you are being hustled.)
 
Esav Benyamin said:
No, DON'T just move in together.

You may end up with practically the same financial obligations as if you were married, when things go wrong. Without the commitment of marriage, your very young girl friend will have even less incentive to grow up.

You have got altogether Too Much Money, and her family has Much Too Little. The laws of physics suggest that your money will be drawn to fill their vacuum.

What you can do is help her find a job and a place of her own. Once she is supporting herself, then you can consider more permanent arrangements.

Why is the time frame so constricted? (Because you are being hustled.)
Click to expand...

I agree with Esav!

I've been married for almost 7 years and it's the best thing ever. I didn't get married until I was 25 however. I would have married another woman had I made the decision when I was 20. It would have been a bad decision too.

I would do what Esav said. Try to help her out and get her a place. Don't just move in together and don't just get married.

Cheers,
David
 
As my old Grandad used to say, "Take a long look at her mother, cause that is what she is most likely to turn into by her mid-40s."

The older I get the more his old sayings turn out to be true.
 
Esav Benyamin said:
No, DON'T just move in together.

You may end up with practically the same financial obligations as if you were married, when things go wrong. Without the commitment of marriage, your very young girl friend will have even less incentive to grow up.

You have got altogether Too Much Money, and her family has Much Too Little. The laws of physics suggest that your money will be drawn to fill their vacuum.

What you can do is help her find a job and a place of her own. Once she is supporting herself, then you can consider more permanent arrangements.

Why is the time frame so constricted? (Because you are being hustled.)
Click to expand...



I'm guessing she does have a job already. Didn't he mention that her parents stole money from her. I really don't know why he can't just move in with her. Just introduce her into your life. Hire her to manage your properties or something.

We really don't know what his gf is like. I don't know much about american culture but i've never seen much trouble in having someone live with you as long as you have an agreement with her that she has a job and has to also contribute to the partnership. Make sure she buys the groceries for the month and do some house duties while you provide the rest.

Also she musn't forget that however crappy her parents are they are still her parents and maybe she should just give a token amount to them monthly.

Oh...one more thing that you've not mentioned to us. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK ABOUT THIS???
 
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