- Joined
- Sep 21, 1999
- Messages
- 1,819
Good Evening.
It is I, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL VAMPIRE GERBIL!
I rarely post here at General, since my knowledge of knives is much to extensive to be bestowed upon the lowly masses such as those that visit here.
People like Kit Carson, Tim Herrrrmannnn (never remember how to spell that, so remove letters as needs), Mr. Somovvichianitalonite (I'm crappy with Irish names) and other well respected knife makers whose names I cannot even begin to spell, have a slight inkling of my knowledge.
But I choose not to post in order that they do not feel lacking.
In any event, I choose to post today, because I have discovered a weapon so truly devestating that it is just possible that I will bring world peace to the planet.
Yes, my tired underlings, you heard me correctly.
In the mid 1980's, I purchased a lovely little Saturday Night Special, made in Israel. It was named after the Teddy Bear I used to sleep with in my 20's.
It is called an "U Z I".
Funny name, yes?
That's what my first two ex wives thought, but as are all ex wives, they're idiots, not to be paid any attention to whatsoever.
(That last statement does not apply to any female divorcees of this forum. They're armed, so they're to be reckoned with.)
Alas, while I found that I was able to practically write my name on targets with Mr. Uzi, it just didn't seem deadly enough.
Then I noticed a little lug, just behind the barrel.
"Golly", I thunk! "I can attach a KNIFE here!"
(Note to moderators: That's the knife content, so I don't expect to me moved anyplace where I might have to moderate myself... last time I did that, I caught crabs.)
The search was on. I needed to find the perfect blade to attach to Mr. Uziwookums.
It was a long and hard (giggle-giggle) search, but last week, I found the answer to my quest.
For the low, LOW price of just $89.95, I was able to get a brandy-new, never issued Mr. Uziwookumsies Bayonet, 4-25 round magazines (9mm, not the .25 acp I was hoping for) a magazine loader, a cleaning kit and a sling!
The nice brown man in the clean brown uniform knocked on the doorbell this afternoon. I answered the door.
After asking him why the hell he knocked on the doorbell, he explained that he was here to read my electric meter.
I removed my shorts, turned around and bent over. He ran like hell, almost crashing into the UPS truck that was just arriving in front of my shack.
The UPS guy asked what the other fella's problem was, and I told him of my favorite way of avoiding electrical payments.
With a suspicious look, the UPS guy asked me to sign the magical board.
I offered him a tip, but he ran as soon as I started reaching into my shorts.
Anyways, to make a long story not quite as long as I could, I got the Mister Uziwookumsieums stuff!
I immediately bit through the box, and nearly peed with delight!
Still spitting out cardoard and styrofoam, I ran to the dishwasher to get Mr Youknowwho, and attached the knife to it.
I then rushed outside to where my daughters were sunbathing. I looked 2 doors down and saw an old man who just happened to have the urge to rake his dirt at the time.
I thought it unusual that we never see that guy at ALL, unless my daughters are outside in their bikinis.
I handed the camera to Allison and told her to take a couple of pictures.
This is one:
LOOK!
Quite scary, yes?
Anyways, the neighbor apparantly thought there were more important things to do inside his house, because by the time the last picture was taken, he was nowhere to be found.
Even his dog was gone!
There are 2 more pictures, in case you're brave enough to look again:
Here!
and
Here!
In closing, I would like to say that I am receiving donations to expedite my ass to cause world peace.
Email cash only to:
vampiregerbil@aol.com
Omnipotently Yours, I remain,
Vampire Gerbil
Cuddly Little Fella
------------------
Vampire Gerbil: Nosferatus Rodentus Moderatus; similar to a domestic gerbil, except for the odd accent and little black cape.
+ + + + + + + + +
Odd Pictures at Photopoint
Manifesto of Madness and Optical Illusions
<A HREF="http://members.aol.com/vampiregerbil" TARGET=_blank>The Deadly and Scary Leatherman Micra
InstructionalWebsite.</A>
The Ballistic Knife
[This message has been edited by Vampire Gerbil (edited 03-12-2001).]
It is I, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL VAMPIRE GERBIL!
I rarely post here at General, since my knowledge of knives is much to extensive to be bestowed upon the lowly masses such as those that visit here.
People like Kit Carson, Tim Herrrrmannnn (never remember how to spell that, so remove letters as needs), Mr. Somovvichianitalonite (I'm crappy with Irish names) and other well respected knife makers whose names I cannot even begin to spell, have a slight inkling of my knowledge.
But I choose not to post in order that they do not feel lacking.
In any event, I choose to post today, because I have discovered a weapon so truly devestating that it is just possible that I will bring world peace to the planet.
Yes, my tired underlings, you heard me correctly.
In the mid 1980's, I purchased a lovely little Saturday Night Special, made in Israel. It was named after the Teddy Bear I used to sleep with in my 20's.
It is called an "U Z I".
Funny name, yes?
That's what my first two ex wives thought, but as are all ex wives, they're idiots, not to be paid any attention to whatsoever.
(That last statement does not apply to any female divorcees of this forum. They're armed, so they're to be reckoned with.)
Alas, while I found that I was able to practically write my name on targets with Mr. Uzi, it just didn't seem deadly enough.
Then I noticed a little lug, just behind the barrel.
"Golly", I thunk! "I can attach a KNIFE here!"
(Note to moderators: That's the knife content, so I don't expect to me moved anyplace where I might have to moderate myself... last time I did that, I caught crabs.)
The search was on. I needed to find the perfect blade to attach to Mr. Uziwookums.
It was a long and hard (giggle-giggle) search, but last week, I found the answer to my quest.
For the low, LOW price of just $89.95, I was able to get a brandy-new, never issued Mr. Uziwookumsies Bayonet, 4-25 round magazines (9mm, not the .25 acp I was hoping for) a magazine loader, a cleaning kit and a sling!
The nice brown man in the clean brown uniform knocked on the doorbell this afternoon. I answered the door.
After asking him why the hell he knocked on the doorbell, he explained that he was here to read my electric meter.
I removed my shorts, turned around and bent over. He ran like hell, almost crashing into the UPS truck that was just arriving in front of my shack.
The UPS guy asked what the other fella's problem was, and I told him of my favorite way of avoiding electrical payments.
With a suspicious look, the UPS guy asked me to sign the magical board.
I offered him a tip, but he ran as soon as I started reaching into my shorts.
Anyways, to make a long story not quite as long as I could, I got the Mister Uziwookumsieums stuff!
I immediately bit through the box, and nearly peed with delight!
Still spitting out cardoard and styrofoam, I ran to the dishwasher to get Mr Youknowwho, and attached the knife to it.
I then rushed outside to where my daughters were sunbathing. I looked 2 doors down and saw an old man who just happened to have the urge to rake his dirt at the time.
I thought it unusual that we never see that guy at ALL, unless my daughters are outside in their bikinis.
I handed the camera to Allison and told her to take a couple of pictures.
This is one:
LOOK!
Quite scary, yes?
Anyways, the neighbor apparantly thought there were more important things to do inside his house, because by the time the last picture was taken, he was nowhere to be found.
Even his dog was gone!
There are 2 more pictures, in case you're brave enough to look again:
Here!
and
Here!
In closing, I would like to say that I am receiving donations to expedite my ass to cause world peace.
Email cash only to:
vampiregerbil@aol.com
Omnipotently Yours, I remain,
Vampire Gerbil
Cuddly Little Fella
------------------
Vampire Gerbil: Nosferatus Rodentus Moderatus; similar to a domestic gerbil, except for the odd accent and little black cape.
+ + + + + + + + +
Odd Pictures at Photopoint
Manifesto of Madness and Optical Illusions
<A HREF="http://members.aol.com/vampiregerbil" TARGET=_blank>The Deadly and Scary Leatherman Micra
InstructionalWebsite.</A>
The Ballistic Knife
[This message has been edited by Vampire Gerbil (edited 03-12-2001).]
