Please chime in! My life and romance

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coldmrk

Joined
Apr 19, 2012
Messages
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This site seems to be a silly place to look for romantic/life advice but it's probably my most visited site and we all seem to be good people so I'll start here.

I'm pretty much a loner, I do my best to keep friends and make new ones but my social life got tied to my last relationship and people other than her people got put on the back burner. Recently I was dumped by the woman I thought was gunna stick around. It had been three years and I got all my ducks in a row to be a contributing partner, I became a ups driver after returning home from school, this is a great job, I love it, I've never been so stress free about work. Consequently I became a better boyfriend/lover/person as I got in really good shape and felt happier in general.

She unfortunately was not in the same place in her life, worked a retail job that made her miserable....wanted to go to school but couldn't afford it and wouldn't let me help. We never moved in together but we spent most of our free time together. She stopped a simple quiet ride home and told me she wasn't in love with me any more and I knew what the rest of the conversation was going to be.
Before this we strung a couple bad dates together (disagreements that made the mood sour) but I wasn't expecting to be dumped.

Now I feel alone. Im single, 25, working myself so much that I cant see having the energy to pursue any women.....it's really not in the cards because I haven't gotten over this girl either. I'm in Seattle and all my school buddies are gone and I feel like my job does nothing for me in the way of extracurriculars. I just don't know what to do now. I want to build a healthy social life around my job and working out and whatnot...but I don't know where to start. everyone is looking down at their phones when they could be talking to me!
Can anyone point me in the right direction?
I already got the working on myself down. Thats all I do at the moment.

Edit: it is probably important to note that I come to you guys partly because the only people I can talk to about this offline are my parents and they don't have a lot to say and talking about it out loud makes me really upset and bad to be around.
 
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Okay, I'll take a shot. Without going into details or analyzing your life, I'll base my response on your age. You are young, very young. My advice, given from a man soon to hit seventy, is enjoy your life. try not to take things too seriously right now, join various activities that appeal to you, sports teams, cooking courses (great way to meet women by the way, and you learn to cook!), whatever it is, just meet people, enjoy them, and just have fun. It all goes by very very quickly I assure you. Then, when you least expect it, you will meet a woman you connect with (and you will know it) and she with you. Just let the natural flow of life happen. You sound worried and far too serious, let it go and have faith, it will happen.
 
If you were my son, I would encourage you to get hooked up with a good church (that's where you will find the best chicks), but do it to know the Lord. And maybe grab a Tony Robbins audio collection off of the internet, and go about living your life with a positive attitude. You're a young puppy. This will all work out just fine. A spirit of gratitude and thankfulness for everything you have will carry you a long way.
 
Hey guys thanks for the input! I like the church idea, I've already been back, I don't know much about Tony Robbins
though. I'm not overly worried about the next woman more so just replacing all that free time so sports is on my radar too.
 
I suppose I worry too much right how but I hope it's just the heartbreak throwing me off my game...
 
You worry too much right now and it's just the heartbreak throwing you off your game. My advice is worth what you are paying for it, but here goes....

Do stuff you enjoy. If you don't know what you enjoy, start trying new stuff until you find what you enjoy.

And when you are doing stuff you enjoy, your energy is positive, healthy, and attractive.

It is very important to focus on doing things that make you happy... and being grateful for being able to do so... and not focus on "the next one". David Stifle is absolutely correct... she will find you when you least expect it, and you will be the genuine article because of the "enjoying it" zone you are in. More than likely you'll bump into each other whilst you are BOTH doing something you enjoy.

Life's too damned short. I'm twice your age and it seems to me only yesterday that I was your age. You're already blessed with good health, good employment, and a good City to live in and find activities you may love.. don't take that for granted... let it boost you up and plaster a smile on your face while you find the next great thing that challenges and uplifts you. If you think back on the past or worry about the future, it's impossible to enjoy life RIGHT NOW, so buck up and do this thing.

Women.... can't live with 'em, can't herd 'em all into Canada. ;) (Kidding... JUUUSTT kidding)
 
Haha free advice is the best though. I appreciate the input guys, I really haven't gone a long time without a woman in forever. Should be fine. Today was me facing what's holding me back. Thanks for the help and encouragement.
 
I'll chip in.

Don't get too down on yourself. I'm a loner by nature too. I didn't get married until I was 40. I often wondered if I was gonna be "that guy" at the high school reunion that wasn't married.

Going to church isn't a bad idea either. I wont go into the religous part of it but :1. Good place to meet people. 2. They often have mixers, volunteer drives to help local folks/charities, and clubs to put you into social situations.

Check out local clubs (not bars). Seattle has a ton of things to offer. Hiking, biking, radio/ham, gun/knife, 4x4, cars, books, movies, knitting, cooking, bird watching, etc clubs. Whatever your interests are, there is probably a club(s) around the Seattle area for you. Again, great place to talk about your interests and it gets you into a social situation.

If UPS doesn't offer much in the way of social activities, start one! Ask around and see if anyone is interested in a movie night. Maybe you pick a Fri or Sat to see the Avengers movie. Maybe offer to get a gang together to go to a Mariners game. Ask your boss if you can hang a sign up sheet and see if anyone is interested. If not much interest, don't get discouraged, move on to another topic. Edison didn't invent the light bulb on the first try.

If I had to guess, most of what you're feeling is shock of being dumped. It happens. It isn't pleasant, but it happens. I got dumped at 29 after buying and engagement ring so I know the feeling. Time heals most wounds, live and learn.

ps. UPS probably has decent medical/health benefits, don't be ashamed to see a counselor. I have in the past.
 
David Stifle said:
Okay, I'll take a shot. Without going into details or analyzing your life, I'll base my response on your age. You are young, very young. My advice, given from a man soon to hit seventy, is enjoy your life. try not to take things too seriously right now, join various activities that appeal to you, sports teams, cooking courses (great way to meet women by the way, and you learn to cook!), whatever it is, just meet people, enjoy them, and just have fun. It all goes by very very quickly I assure you. Then, when you least expect it, you will meet a woman you connect with (and you will know it) and she with you. Just let the natural flow of life happen. You sound worried and far too serious, let it go and have faith, it will happen.
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I'm going to mirror what he ^^ said but I'm only 45yrs old.

I have been married for over 20 years but prior to that, we were life-long friends [since grade school] before we dated. My whole time growing up, I had a string of...well...."conquests"....[right or wrong, would probably be the appropriate description] and she was always there as my best friend. We did everything together...had fun, got in trouble, you name it. As we grew older, we both acquired more friends. We all became a tight-knit and active group....hiking/camping, some of us hunted [others not], bike trails, picnics, etc, etc. The group of us were permanent fixtures at everyone else' home. We called our friend's parents "mom and dad" - it was really that bad....lol.

As our friends graduated college and moved away, some because they thought this "sleepy city" was too boring, others [myself and my wife included] enjoyed the peace it offered. We all ended up getting jobs here and the group that stayed, remain in constant contact/doing things.

One day there were 5 of us on a nature hike. 2 guys, 3 women. My then friend [now wife] took a bit of a spill down a hiking trail [I'm certain she did it on purpose] and just like one of those Lifetime movie specials, as I tended her [slight] injuries, she latched onto me like a leech. One other group/life-long [female] friend came back to see what happened and 'caught' us and said "Well it's about damned time" and returned to the trail...as if she "knew" it was destiny..

A year later we were married.

What's the point of all that?

Fun.

If you can have fun with a group of like-minded people, everyone knows the way everyone is. The good and bad will never stay hidden and inevitably, you may find yourself completely "in sync" with at least one person that you can spend your life with. Don't rush it, it will happen when you least expect it.
 
coldmrk said:
This site seems to be a silly place to look for romantic/life advice but it's probably my most visited site and we all seem to be good people so I'll start here.
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I would tap into the sage advice of Whine & Cheese. It's like having Buddha, Socrates, and Dr. Ruth Westheimer at your fingertips.
 
Noswad0208 said:
More like having a group of monkeys with mental disabilities give advice.. :rolleyes:

:D
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Maybe so, but give a thousand mentally disturbed monkeys a thousand typewriters and you get... well maybe something good.

The "bar scene" is cliche' but here in the PNW we have BrewPubs! Women there are adventurous and of good taste. Probably just coming in to wash down the dust from a good mountain bike ride.

Been married to my wife for longer than you've been alive... she rides a Trek mountain bike and favors handcrafted brew and pub fare. Coincidence? I think not.
 
It's the Seattle freeze!!! It's all about getting out there and taking risks. You will get told no more than yes and it's their loss buddy. I'm moved here from Alabama so it was a big culture shock. Where I'm from everyone treats you like family, here people make you work for their friendship. Shoot me a pm and we can hang out sometime. I live in Seattle ( On Alki ) and the social and bar scene is insane during the warmer months. I should add I'm a recently divorced 28 year old guy so I go out every night I don't have work ( With the exception of Thirsty Thursday). I'm much happier being "single" then I ever was married. Having your own space and doing what you want whenever you want is the most freeing feeling ever!!!
 
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Boy, did you come to the right place! Happened to me, I was even somewhat of a loner, like you. And I was 25 also.

I have been happily married for 44 years to a fantastic woman who, when we were dating, gave me the "I need my space, you need to see other people" speech. I did the right thing, without knowing it at the time. I got angry enough to do just what she asked me to do. I had resolved to never be the nice guy who would wait around forever. I went my way, didn't call her at all from May through August. Dated some fine young women in that time,who all had the same flaw - they weren't her. But I did it. I resolved to get on with my life and wear out her memory. I finally called her because I came into some last minute college football tickets too late to find another date. She went with me and the evening terminated in her request, "please don't give up on me, I'm falling for you." and the rest, as they say, is history.

I don't know if you want another shot or not. If you do, then your only chance is rooted in your self respect. You must not appear needy or dependent upon her for happiness. you must not whine or beg. You absolutely must be seen to be living like you can have a fantastic life without her (even if you think you can't). If she starts thinking that she is letting a good thing walk out of her life, then you have a chance. Be a man, win or lose.
 
Try Match.com or one of the other free dating/personal services. I met my current wife there 8 yrs ago. Sounds a little weird but it works. Good luck--KV
 
coldmrk said:
Haha free advice is the best though. I appreciate the input guys, I really haven't gone a long time without a woman in forever. Should be fine. Today was me facing what's holding me back. Thanks for the help and encouragement.
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First off, a little time with just you may be just the right thing. As mentioned you are on the young side and guess what? It won't fall off if you aren't chasing a place to put it for awhile;). Work on you, being you! As mentioned do things you enjoy. Bike ride, swim, take a cooking class, attend a church/synagogue?

There is nothing wrong with being young, single and gainfully employed! Enjoy these days just like they are.:)
 
If you're in Seattle pick up an outdoor hobby. Don't stay in Seattle either to practice it. Head up to Baker or Ranier, head up to Canada and go to Vancouver or Whistler.

Climbing, hiking, biking, kayaking. You'll get into new groups and meet people outside of the bars or traditional social scene and when they're acting more like themselves. Live that life and let them come to you.

As a plus you'll need new gear, and some new cutlery for your outdoor activities.
 
Sounds like you're bored. That happened to me too after I divorced. I'm a bit of a loner myself. LOL..."a bit." Go out and do stuff. Even if it's just having a walk through Seattle. Realize you probably won't find the person you're supposed to be with until you're 30+. I personally feel most people under the age of 25 shouldn't get married.
 
Man, lots of great advice here. Don't know if it was mentioned, but perhaps taking a community college class in something you are interested in. A great, non-pressure situation in which to meet women. Good luck, young man. Take some solace in the fact that we have all taken your path at some time - and lived to tell the tale!...;-)
 
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