Just in case you didn't know Bawanna, Corn Patch is in the State of Little Russia. We have an Eskimo fer a Governor and our State Bird is the Caribou. Santa Claus lives down the street. Were I his wife, I'd divorce the fat b-----. He's always going around smilin'. Sly dog. She goes to Ladies Bridge Night and he drags out his Christmas List---he KNOWS where alla bad girls live!! I don't exactly know how much snow we got, but we ain't seen the weatherman for 3 days now. They got Jocko the Chimp standin' in fer him on Channel 13 at 6 and 10. Naw. He ain't disappeared in the deep snow, they probably hung'im from a tree fer having nothing but bad news for us alla time. Hang on. Gotta go turn the radio down. Johnny Horton is singin' North to Alaska again and it's gittin' old.
The wife's furry "Little Precious" is becoming obnoxious of late. When it gotta go outside at O Dark-Thirty, guess who has to git up with it and take it out. That's right. Mister Congeniality, himself. Bah! This mornin' at 4:00, I opens the back door. 'course theys snow onna ground and it's somewheres between 12 and 18 below. I'm attired fer bed. Not for wintering over in Antarctica, sos the dreaded thermo-nuclear winter wind instantly creates icicles that hang offin' your nether parts. Did you know inna wind like that, they sound pert much like them wind chimes? Well, I digress. I'm a squintin' my eyes tryin' to read the thermometer over on the back fence as the birdy poo-poos been replaced with 18 inches of snow, and a half inch of hoar frost. Momma's Little Precious gits two front feet on the slab and her back two feet is still inna house. Dern! It's a cold one!! Alla sudden the toes on my left foot feel all warm and fuzzy like. I look down in time to see the yellow ice crystals form and move from the little toe alla way up to my ankle, just like it was a livin' beastie bein' driven afore the storm clouds. As I spin around in an attempt to kick the little b----- over into the neighbor's back yard, I notice that my left foot is stuck in place. Of course, I let go of the door when trying to reach the snarly rabid 5 pound ball of fluff as it scampers back to the warm bedroom I so recently vacated. The door came to a stop when it reached my toes. (Thank goodness I couldn't feel a thing by this time!) Anyways, I reached down to try and pry my toes off the aluminum door sill and noticed that the yellow ice crystals have grown onto the door, too! D'jew know metal makes poppin' sounds when it contracts?
Where's Karma when you need it? I yell to git the wife outta bed and to come give me a hand. One. She's gotta find a nice fuzzy robe to climb into. Two. The wind has picked up to just over 100 knots and my icicles have growed a foot. Makes me think of Mammoth Cave and alla them stalagmites and stalactites. Joined. Three. She's gotta stop and take a tinkle before comin' to the door to see what's alla fuss. Four. The garbage men just came by to collect the trash, looked up and saw me tryin' to hide from sight behind the door knob. Said I sure was lucky to have a pair of new Levis. They both said the color blue was kinda cool looking on me, but the jeans looked kinda hairy in the dim light. Asked me for a light! Five. The wife shows up finally, only twenty minutes since my life insurance policy expired, bless her pointy little head. She always tells me she's the smart one of the family....goes down stairs and gets my recently restored, refurbished, and refinished all brass plumber's blow torch. Lights that sucker offen the kitchen stove...don't ask me how...it's electric, and proceeds to thaw out my toes. Six. Dern! Looks like a WWII war movie and the Marines is attackin' the caves on Iwo Jima with flame throwers!! GAUDAMIDEDY!!! What's wrong with this picture? I got no hair left on EITHER laig. Paints a blisterin' onna door frame. Don't even ask about them icicles.....snowsa meltin' just outside the door in a four foot circle, and the birds are startin' to chirp in the artificial mornin' light. The neighbor just called---did I leave the bar-be-que grill on all night and should they call the fire department? The Doc fixed me right up. Didn't charge me a dime, neither. It's "Professional Courtesy" , you know, and says I'll have the use of my laig back come green up. I'm real sorry, but I just been to cotton pickin' busy to go out and measure the snow sos you'll just have to ask sumbody else.
