Serious "relationship" crap

Ashes

Ashes

Joined
Aug 2, 2002
Messages
2,490
Okay, here's the deal. I don't tell many people who know me in "real life" anything whatsoever about my personal life. So I have two people I could call and talk to about it. The other person I talk to the most is the person this is about, so that doesn't exactly work! Anyway, the other two didn't answer their gosh-danged phones, and I need to talk.

I met my friend, "J", about three years ago. We met briefly, then he moved to Kentucky (pretty far from me.) I haven't seen him in person since, but we talk on the phone all the time and we email and send pictures and things. He even sends me stuff in the mail, mostly CD's he's made. (He's an aspiring musician.)

He's been bugging me to let him visit when he's around, because he's a truck driver and he goes all over the place. I kept putting him off because I didn't want him to see me until I lost most of the weight I'd gained since he'd seen me last. (I didn't tell him this.) Anyway, I finally decided to let him come over, and he made it here on Saturday night. He was supposed to be here around 7 or 8 but didn't get here until about 10 p.m. We went to bed (or to SLEEP, I should say...) around 9 a.m. the next morning. He was supposed to leave yesterday to get to a job today, but he put it off so he could stay here all day.

So my PROBLEM... is that he is my best friend, and I probably just f***ed everything up. I can't believe how lonely I felt when he left. Usually I can't stand being around anyone for more than a few hours before I want to be alone, and I almost never let anyone stay overnight.

I think I'm going crazy. How do I snap myself out of it? I'm serious. I don't want to feel this way and it scares me.

~ashes
 
Hey, don't be afraid to get involved with your best friend. You're not gonna be young forever, and sex can only take a relationship so far. After you get done having sex with this person, you still have to get along too. :)
 
Ashes ,I'm 50, oops, I'm 51 now, and just recently figured out that you are going to feel how you are going to feel and there is not much you can do about feelings.
As a younger lad, say from 14 to 30'ish, I had total control of my feelings. I let nothing affect me, even the death of friends. I was not happy they died but would not let it get to me. I think it must have been a "physiochemical" change after my daughter was born that changed the way I understood feelings. My hair turned gray within months of her birth also. But I digress.
You can't change the feelings, just act on them in one way or another. This in itself may cause an emotional change. If you feel good in his presence try to be there. This may or may not be possible. I guarantee you ,you will meet other persons that will have this affect on you. Many other factors make a relationship in this busy, complex world. Just enjoy the people like this while you can. Be thankful, and tell them you feel good in their company.
Just remember what I tell all the ladies with man trouble. "guys are arsehols". I often get the answer, "you're not an arsehol". I tell them they just don't know me well enough. Hang in there....Kevin
 
as far as I can see what is the down side here for you...Your lovers now...but your still best friends..my wife and I are best friends....That is the way it should be. Enjoy it ...forget all the movie crap about love...love is a decision to be together no matter what..it comes from the head..not the heart..and you can only make that decision after you have become friends...share with him your feelings..Im pretty sure he will feel the same way...after all he hasnt been begging to come see you for all these years because he wasnt falling in love with you toots....

Best to you..
 
Great advice, severtecher and Ren. Thank you.

I guarantee you ,you will meet other persons that will have this affect on you. Many other factors make a relationship in this busy, complex world. Just enjoy the people like this while you can.
Click to expand...

I have met several people who have had this effect on me and it ended up with one or both of us getting hurt. That's kind of what I'm worried about. Also, I haven't been "emotionally involved" with anyone in a long time because I'm so careful about that. I try to sort of separate love and sex, not that I've been in love in a while. But the last time I did fall in love I got hurt, and I don't want to go through that or to put someone else through that.

I think I already loved him. I just don't want to be "in love" with him. And that is where I feel that I'm screwing up. It just can't work out, and yes, it is a mental thing, but it's hard to separate it and to not think about him when he is away from me... like what he is doing or who he's with. We never had any kind of commitment.

~ashes
 
Hey I'm the last person to give advice,having been married and divorced twice. All I can say is forget whats right and wrong and do whatever makes you feel good, because before you know it its all over. The window is small and then its gone. Am I making any sense?
 
Are you repeating the same pattern? I get the impression you're not, not this time.

You know how some people keep repeating the same tragic love affair -- I'm sure you've seen it, everybody has seen people repeating the same mistake with the same guy (or girl) only with a different name. Eventually some people stop it and get together with a different guy. Is that what's happening with you now? Is he your type? Is he the same guy who always hurts you? Or is he a different guy?
 
re-read your last thread...that is a seriously happy person...continue with that.
 
You can't win if you can't don't take a chance...

But then, you do need to go with someone who fits into your lifestyle
you seem to need someone whos available more often and close to you both physically as well as emotionally. You need someone who you don't have to worry about as to where or what he's doing. It's a lot of the same things I look for so I know it's very hard to find.

Take a chance but allow it to fail if it must.

Some of us take too many chances...
 
Ashes,

I'm in a similar situation. My best friend is working in another state, and everything was its normal happy friendly self until I went to stay with her for a week. Well, we could now be a lot more than friends when she returns at the end of her job (December), and this is very frightening. Friends was great, because it was stable and reliable, and now we're going to have to risk that for passion and a possible future.

We've concluded that there is no way back to where we were, so we have to try to make the most of where we can go when she returns in December.

I might get a partner for life, or lose my best friend forever, or the passion might wear off—allowing us to once more become friends only. Only the application of some courage and time will let us tell.

Good luck.
 
Ashes, it should scare you. You are newly sober and 12 steps say no new relationships for a year because they are afraid that if anything happens to that relationship you will lapse. Please be careful.
 
quote [ I try to sort of separate love and sex, ]

This is where I am at odds with most peoples thinking, at least folks I know. I have never had sex with someone I was not in love with, nor will I. The first person I had sex with was my true love. You, by definition, can't make love to someone you do not love. I guess "just sex" holds no charm for me.
 
Dear Ashes,

My humble advice to you is to make a cold, hard decision of whether your relationship can be sustained on a practical basis, and if you think it has a good chance, squeeze the trigger and go for it.

Anything to do with love always entails an element of risk, that is why all the well-known romantic movies always deal with the element of missing out, loss, etc.

Sometimes a good thing comes around only once, if you miss it, it is gone.

Sometimes when you let the other person know how you feel, it may actually change the equation, and he/she will try to make things easier for your relationship to work out or sustain on a practical basis.

Recently, my good friend of 20 years from the service last time, had a problem with his GF(10 years younger) who was asked to return to her country to help run her family's business. She didn't want to go, but he also didn't want to come between her and her family.

I and the rest of us guys(all married 10 years and counting) told him, give her a reason to stay here, ask her to marry you and settle down here, but he was afraid of making the commitment, maybe because he saw his parents' marriage break up, and also recently, his sister's marriage. I said, you and your GF are not your parents and not your sister.

I said, you are a gambler, well, it's time for your biggest gamble.

He said no, I'm going to play it safe.

Now his girlfriend is back home in her country and he still flies over every month to see her, and things are maybe different, but not as bad as I thought, because the girl really likes him. But if marriage was a desirable outcome, then maybe it's not going to happen.

My advice is to think carefully, also find out what the other party thinks(or how he will respond), and then make your decision.

Good luck.
 
hmmm, my opinion after having been in some relationships with people with "issues", is that you should stay only friends or maybe "friends with priveleges".
 
Okay, I have read the link maximus otter put up, with all this suiciding going on, I think you had better keep your distance from him.

Disregard my previous advice, to sustain and work at a relationship, you cannot do it if you want to commit suicide all the time. He might even be manipulating you emotionally, as was suggested.

This guy does not sound like good boyfriend material. Often, people who threaten to kill themselves all the time usually end up killing their partner.

Sounds a bit like my wife's ex who challenged me to some kind of a duel when we were younger. Whenever she said she was going to leave him, he would threaten to kill himself, but when she was not in-country, he would go off and womanize. Later, when she was with me, and was sure she wanted to break with him, she wanted to fly over to tell him, one last time, face to face. I said, oh no, you don't.

I said, the last time you said you would break with him, what did he do?

Oh, he put a knife to his throat and said he would kill himself, she told me.

This time, I said, when you really break with him, the knife will be at YOUR throat, I said.

I've bought my plane ticket, she said.

I'll pay for it, cancel it, I said. Also, I'll give you this obscene amount of $$ if you don't go, to show you how serious I am. Talk to him over the phone.

So she did not go, and her ex has never tried to see her since, presently he is happily doing some narco biz in europe.

A good partner should support you, cover your -ss, and build you up, not give you all sorts of stress all the time.

And men who want to commit suicide over a relationship, do not give me confidence in the qualities they should bring into a relationship.
 
Suicide is probably the most serious form of mental disturbance outside of bloodlust and pedophelia. Please stay away for your own good. If he was willing to never see you again, what kind of "friend" or "lover" is that?
 
Ashes said:
Okay, here's the deal. I don't tell many people who know me in "real life" anything whatsoever about my personal life. So I have two people I could call and talk to about it. The other person I talk to the most is the person this is about, so that doesn't exactly work! Anyway, the other two didn't answer their gosh-danged phones, and I need to talk.

I met my friend, "J", about three years ago. We met briefly, then he moved to Kentucky (pretty far from me.) I haven't seen him in person since, but we talk on the phone all the time and we email and send pictures and things. He even sends me stuff in the mail, mostly CD's he's made. (He's an aspiring musician.)

He's been bugging me to let him visit when he's around, because he's a truck driver and he goes all over the place. I kept putting him off because I didn't want him to see me until I lost most of the weight I'd gained since he'd seen me last. (I didn't tell him this.) Anyway, I finally decided to let him come over, and he made it here on Saturday night. He was supposed to be here around 7 or 8 but didn't get here until about 10 p.m. We went to bed (or to SLEEP, I should say...) around 9 a.m. the next morning. He was supposed to leave yesterday to get to a job today, but he put it off so he could stay here all day.

So my PROBLEM... is that he is my best friend, and I probably just f***ed everything up. I can't believe how lonely I felt when he left. Usually I can't stand being around anyone for more than a few hours before I want to be alone, and I almost never let anyone stay overnight.

I think I'm going crazy. How do I snap myself out of it? I'm serious. I don't want to feel this way and it scares me.

~ashes
Click to expand...

You won't know until you've tried. See what happens, if the two of you don't move forward into a relationship, okay. If you do, won't you be glad you at least tried to see what would happen?


Oh yeah, if it is the guy that tried to kill himself last year, well, that's your decision.
 
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