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- Aug 11, 1999
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The Changbenza Controversy
by
Happy Gilmore
(Syndicated in "Martha Stewart Living," "A Boys Life," and "Playboy")
No doubt all of us have experienced, at one time or another, a paper cut. Simple, clean, yet unusually painful. Ever wonder how a material as soft as paper could produce such devastating results? Tim Herman did, which is precisely what led him on the long journey that resulted in the creation of the mighty Changbenza, a cardboard-based folder that many insiders believe will revolutionize the cutlery industry. Given the gravity of the moment, a little history is in order.
Truth can, indeed, be stranger than fiction. It all began one fateful evening five years ago, after surgeons re-attached Hermans head, severed from his body in a freak paper-cut accident. Fearing he was on his deathbed, Herman began blathering all sorts of bizarre, seemingly nonsensical utterances (or so it appeared to bystanders; family and friends apparently saw nothing unusual in this behavior, and were heartened by his "return to his old self"). The New York Times referred to his non-stop chatter as "sick evidence of our societys moral decline"; the Washington Post, "repugnant, unrepeatable allusions to knifemaking and sex"; and Hustler magazine, "poetic madness bordering on literary genius."
But Herman made many other comments that night, neglected by the mainstream press. His then-wife Darva Conger fortunately recorded his rantings, which included arcane speculations on the properties of paper. Without getting bogged down in the science, Herman hypothesized that a paper-based material could make for a good blade material. How else could it have cut off his head? It defied all logic, of course, but then Herman was never one to stay with the pack.
When Herman continued to pursue his wild speculations, he alienated many in the knifemaking community. Several disputed Tims account of his terrible beheading. "Newspaper!?" scoffed the veteran Kit Carson. "Even if he did fall asleep while reading the Personals which I highly doubt; he reads those ads religiously I cant see how newsprint could go through *his* thick neck." Shaking his head in disbelief, knife-testing guru and Hermans former best friend Cliff Stamp opined: "While its edge can be drawn taut, paper has an exceedingly soft matrix, rated at less than 1 RC. Its thickness of .001" behind the edge simply cannot support it against a heavy, blunt object. I used a page of newsprint to hack at a granite column much softer than Hermans neck and it tore apart. I suspect that he accidentally tripped and fell on one of my 3V blades, and is too embarrassed to admit it."
Editors at the National Enquirer (the paper in question) bristled at such statements, implying that other newspapers may be made of soft pulp, but that theirs was much harder. Mike Turber, the tabloids Editor-in-Chief, commented: "While we claim no liability in Mr. Hermans unfortunate situation, we are not at all surprised that our paper is capable of causing such damage. However, we dont recommend that anyone try to test such effects at home." Predictably, Cliff Stamp gathered together hundreds of newspapers from around the world, including the Enquirer, against which he daringly dropped his neck in a variety of controlled scenarios. "They all collapsed under the force of my neck. Not one of them slowed my head from hitting the kitchen table. After dropping my neck forward at various measured angles and speeds several hundred times, I can confidently say that newspaper cannot sever a head from a torso under any circumstances." Asked to explain Hermans decapitation, Stamp declared, "Its a publicity stunt to promote the supposed virtues of paper. Weve seen this before. Its just hype."
Among Hermans dwindling supporters, some noted that Stamp does not read newspapers, and therefore cannot really measure their performance or behavior in real-use contexts. "Theoretically speaking," added knife aficionado Copfish, "a bee is not supposed to fly." Lending further credence to Hermans account, Dr. Walt Welch (who performed the head-attaching surgery) confirmed that minute traces of newsprint were found in the wound. "But keep in mind that Hermans head is also much bigger than a typical human head," cautioned Dr. Welch. "It amounts to well over half of Tims overall body mass and weight, even considering its high composition of hot air. The velocity generated by its forward descent is far greater than most of us imagine."
Still, Dr. Welchs disclosure was as inconclusive as it was incomplete. Further inspection of tissue samples from Hermans neck revealed other possible causal or contributing factors to his injury: traces of arsenic, cyanide, syphillis, snake oil, cat hairs, a broken heart, an autographed Britney Spears CD, the previously mythical fifth and sixth basic units of DNA described in the X-Files, lies told in confession, the kitchen sink, and a partially digested Chris Reeve Sebenza.
This last item in particular has fueled further controversy, as Herman continues to deny rumors that his Changbenza borrows heavily from (or "rips off," as many insist) the Sebenza design. Badgered by Barbara Walters in a Hooters restaurant, the born-again knifemaker aggressively reiterated, "Like Ive said a thousand times before, the -benza part of its name alludes to the classiness of Mercedes automotive technology. You want the truth? You cant handle the truth! You suck!"
Such shocking rhetoric belies a kinder, gentler, more vulnerable Tim Herman, however. Renowned sheathmaker Gary Graley compellingly argues that "The Hermanators" brash, hardened persona today is a psychological defense forged in response to years of harsh, public rebuke for daring to push the envelope in essence, that his bad boy image is a fragile shield against oppression. In the wake of his accident, moving into new territory, insecure in his ideas, Herman posted some tentative questions on the Shoptalk board at www.Bladeforums.com, an internet site supported by the Democratic Party with funds from the Peoples Republic of China, and devoted to the narrow, masculinist pursuit of knife-wielding violence. Rather than finding the loving community he desperately needed, however, Herman was ridiculed to tears and publicly chastisted. "Paper products BURN when heat treated, dumb*ss," wrote one self-described "newbie" named Paul Bos. "Hmmm cardboard? Never tried it, cant help you," replied the usually friendly Darrel Ralph with chilly understatement. Among the few who came to Hermans defense, Tom Mayo reminded everyone that "cardboard does not RUST." "OK, last straw," concluded Blade Forums czar Spark with authority. Unamused, Spark locked the contentious thread (longer than all of the infamous "Mad Dog" threads, and the never-say-die current Talonite thread, combined) and barred Tim Hermans posting privileges. Ironically, this occurred during the same week that a formerly excommunicated member was allowed to return to seek a Steel Heart II in exchange for a ghillie suit.
Despite the odds, following years of relentless destruction testing, the Changbenza will finally see its public debut this week. Pre-order waitlists have been growing exponentially, despite the folders purported six-figure retail price. But it will not debut without controversy, to be sure. Herman has justified the price by insisting that the proceeds will help a "good cause." Upon discovering that the "good cause" is Tims outstanding medical payments for the head-attaching surgery, as well as a variety of personal vices, the conscientious distributor James Mattis removed the bogus "Hermans Decapitated Kids Foundation" from the list of charitable causes that his customers could support.
Most controversial of all, perhaps, the prototype Changbenza reportedly will appear in tonights final episode of _Survivor_. According to reliable sources, the "C-Benz" will be used by one of the two final contestants to you guessed it decapitate his/her remaining rival. And, in a moment as unreal as only Reality TV can be, the victors famous last words, as he/she swings forth the deathbringing Changbenza into flesh, and history: "bl** me."
by
Happy Gilmore
(Syndicated in "Martha Stewart Living," "A Boys Life," and "Playboy")
No doubt all of us have experienced, at one time or another, a paper cut. Simple, clean, yet unusually painful. Ever wonder how a material as soft as paper could produce such devastating results? Tim Herman did, which is precisely what led him on the long journey that resulted in the creation of the mighty Changbenza, a cardboard-based folder that many insiders believe will revolutionize the cutlery industry. Given the gravity of the moment, a little history is in order.
Truth can, indeed, be stranger than fiction. It all began one fateful evening five years ago, after surgeons re-attached Hermans head, severed from his body in a freak paper-cut accident. Fearing he was on his deathbed, Herman began blathering all sorts of bizarre, seemingly nonsensical utterances (or so it appeared to bystanders; family and friends apparently saw nothing unusual in this behavior, and were heartened by his "return to his old self"). The New York Times referred to his non-stop chatter as "sick evidence of our societys moral decline"; the Washington Post, "repugnant, unrepeatable allusions to knifemaking and sex"; and Hustler magazine, "poetic madness bordering on literary genius."
But Herman made many other comments that night, neglected by the mainstream press. His then-wife Darva Conger fortunately recorded his rantings, which included arcane speculations on the properties of paper. Without getting bogged down in the science, Herman hypothesized that a paper-based material could make for a good blade material. How else could it have cut off his head? It defied all logic, of course, but then Herman was never one to stay with the pack.
When Herman continued to pursue his wild speculations, he alienated many in the knifemaking community. Several disputed Tims account of his terrible beheading. "Newspaper!?" scoffed the veteran Kit Carson. "Even if he did fall asleep while reading the Personals which I highly doubt; he reads those ads religiously I cant see how newsprint could go through *his* thick neck." Shaking his head in disbelief, knife-testing guru and Hermans former best friend Cliff Stamp opined: "While its edge can be drawn taut, paper has an exceedingly soft matrix, rated at less than 1 RC. Its thickness of .001" behind the edge simply cannot support it against a heavy, blunt object. I used a page of newsprint to hack at a granite column much softer than Hermans neck and it tore apart. I suspect that he accidentally tripped and fell on one of my 3V blades, and is too embarrassed to admit it."
Editors at the National Enquirer (the paper in question) bristled at such statements, implying that other newspapers may be made of soft pulp, but that theirs was much harder. Mike Turber, the tabloids Editor-in-Chief, commented: "While we claim no liability in Mr. Hermans unfortunate situation, we are not at all surprised that our paper is capable of causing such damage. However, we dont recommend that anyone try to test such effects at home." Predictably, Cliff Stamp gathered together hundreds of newspapers from around the world, including the Enquirer, against which he daringly dropped his neck in a variety of controlled scenarios. "They all collapsed under the force of my neck. Not one of them slowed my head from hitting the kitchen table. After dropping my neck forward at various measured angles and speeds several hundred times, I can confidently say that newspaper cannot sever a head from a torso under any circumstances." Asked to explain Hermans decapitation, Stamp declared, "Its a publicity stunt to promote the supposed virtues of paper. Weve seen this before. Its just hype."
Among Hermans dwindling supporters, some noted that Stamp does not read newspapers, and therefore cannot really measure their performance or behavior in real-use contexts. "Theoretically speaking," added knife aficionado Copfish, "a bee is not supposed to fly." Lending further credence to Hermans account, Dr. Walt Welch (who performed the head-attaching surgery) confirmed that minute traces of newsprint were found in the wound. "But keep in mind that Hermans head is also much bigger than a typical human head," cautioned Dr. Welch. "It amounts to well over half of Tims overall body mass and weight, even considering its high composition of hot air. The velocity generated by its forward descent is far greater than most of us imagine."
Still, Dr. Welchs disclosure was as inconclusive as it was incomplete. Further inspection of tissue samples from Hermans neck revealed other possible causal or contributing factors to his injury: traces of arsenic, cyanide, syphillis, snake oil, cat hairs, a broken heart, an autographed Britney Spears CD, the previously mythical fifth and sixth basic units of DNA described in the X-Files, lies told in confession, the kitchen sink, and a partially digested Chris Reeve Sebenza.
This last item in particular has fueled further controversy, as Herman continues to deny rumors that his Changbenza borrows heavily from (or "rips off," as many insist) the Sebenza design. Badgered by Barbara Walters in a Hooters restaurant, the born-again knifemaker aggressively reiterated, "Like Ive said a thousand times before, the -benza part of its name alludes to the classiness of Mercedes automotive technology. You want the truth? You cant handle the truth! You suck!"
Such shocking rhetoric belies a kinder, gentler, more vulnerable Tim Herman, however. Renowned sheathmaker Gary Graley compellingly argues that "The Hermanators" brash, hardened persona today is a psychological defense forged in response to years of harsh, public rebuke for daring to push the envelope in essence, that his bad boy image is a fragile shield against oppression. In the wake of his accident, moving into new territory, insecure in his ideas, Herman posted some tentative questions on the Shoptalk board at www.Bladeforums.com, an internet site supported by the Democratic Party with funds from the Peoples Republic of China, and devoted to the narrow, masculinist pursuit of knife-wielding violence. Rather than finding the loving community he desperately needed, however, Herman was ridiculed to tears and publicly chastisted. "Paper products BURN when heat treated, dumb*ss," wrote one self-described "newbie" named Paul Bos. "Hmmm cardboard? Never tried it, cant help you," replied the usually friendly Darrel Ralph with chilly understatement. Among the few who came to Hermans defense, Tom Mayo reminded everyone that "cardboard does not RUST." "OK, last straw," concluded Blade Forums czar Spark with authority. Unamused, Spark locked the contentious thread (longer than all of the infamous "Mad Dog" threads, and the never-say-die current Talonite thread, combined) and barred Tim Hermans posting privileges. Ironically, this occurred during the same week that a formerly excommunicated member was allowed to return to seek a Steel Heart II in exchange for a ghillie suit.
Despite the odds, following years of relentless destruction testing, the Changbenza will finally see its public debut this week. Pre-order waitlists have been growing exponentially, despite the folders purported six-figure retail price. But it will not debut without controversy, to be sure. Herman has justified the price by insisting that the proceeds will help a "good cause." Upon discovering that the "good cause" is Tims outstanding medical payments for the head-attaching surgery, as well as a variety of personal vices, the conscientious distributor James Mattis removed the bogus "Hermans Decapitated Kids Foundation" from the list of charitable causes that his customers could support.
Most controversial of all, perhaps, the prototype Changbenza reportedly will appear in tonights final episode of _Survivor_. According to reliable sources, the "C-Benz" will be used by one of the two final contestants to you guessed it decapitate his/her remaining rival. And, in a moment as unreal as only Reality TV can be, the victors famous last words, as he/she swings forth the deathbringing Changbenza into flesh, and history: "bl** me."
