The Smartest Guy at the Table....hmmm

RubiconSS

RubiconSS

Joined
Jan 12, 2011
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I can not speak for Women (having only ever tried on the clothes) but, Guys often times suffer from AAS (Acute Alpha Syndrome) especially when related or otherwise connected through marriage or the elevator got stuck.
Recently I Hosted my Daughter's Graduation Party at my Home and Yes, I actually survived the ordeal.
Lot's of people, some I actually wanted to see which was a nice bonus.
Set up tents and games - Too much Food and everything else but running out of anything is a fear that moves people to over-spend and over-compensate in every way (apparently our Federal Govt. is in a perpetual Graduation Party planning loop)
I believe I mentioned in a post that I was glad that I had my XM on the weekend during prep-time.
At one point someone asked (loudly) "Does anyone have a knife I can borrow" I believe someone had become tangled in one of the Balloon monstosities and was in imminent danger of being carried off in some mutation of a Disney Cartoon Accident that would undoubtedly have cast a shadow of liabilty over Moi for the sheer size and concentration of gases lighter than air.
Most in attendance immediately looked to me, not because I looked particularly responsible or concerned at the moment but because they knew who would have a knife, a gun, ammo, a sharpener and all this in my speedo. (that was a joke, I am not allowed anywhere near a speedo. The Judge was very clear about that).
I said, "Sure, I have a knife" and I whipped out my XM. Well, it was a Party so as you might imagine "some" of my Friends have a penchant for smartassedry commenting, " Jeezus Save the Women and Children" "They said knife, not Machete"
"Arrest that Man" " Ummm can I borrow that, I don't like my Wife"
I ended up cutting the balloons away myself so as to avoid any of these fools getting their hands on my knife but....
My "oldest" Brothers were sitting at the picnic table and asked if they could "see" this fine tool.
I knew what was coming next. You see, my Brothers are positive they are in fact the "Smartest Guy" at the table even when the other is in attendance. I'm fairly certain they are usually the smartest guy on the toilet but that is a different calculation altogether.
I of course obliged (not the singer) I handed them my knife (closed) and grinned ever so slightly at the spectacle I was about to enjoy.
My Brothers and I are a generation apart in every way to incude being a Country Boy -vs- City dweller(s) (I will let you figure out which two are one and which one is one.
First up! the second Oldest and most sure He is in fact the smartest guy at the smart guy table. Lance is only 12 years older than me and has never lived in the country - Let the wrestling begin.... Ahhh, Uhhhh, Mmmmmm (moment to reflect) Round 2
Uggghhhh Damn this thing, it's broke - Here You Try!
In to the hands of the Oldest and Wiser Brother 16 years my senior and......a Corporate Attorney no less, the knife does not stand a chance.,
Uggh Harummmph AhHah! It Opens! Ooops! and Locks.
Mmmm Nice knife (He says) admiring the edge and rolling it slowly as to examine it without letting on what was the true reason for the slow examination as he periodically pushes and pulls on the flipper and the lanyard bead like he is has been magically taken back 50 years and is now at the drive-in attempting to relieve Suzy Stinkypants of her brazziere.
I could have sworn at one point he mumbled "c l o s e Sesame!".
Hmm.....can't seem too Ummm ahh yeah. Ah and hands it back (still open) proclaiming it is indeed a fine knife. Yep.
I took it and with a fluid motion all here know, closed the knife and returned it to my pocket with one movement only a hummingbird could have detected and walked away mumbling "What a couple a dumbasses" not because that is what i think but that is what a "little brother" gets to say under his breath at a time like that.
Love my Brothers even if they do live in the City. :)
Fun Party! and People wonder why I am never without my Knife, Ha!
 
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Congrats on a graduate Rubi. Time flies don'tcha know!

Friends soon know when you're a knife lover. I was down at the lake on Saturday BBQing with friends and some guy was trying to open a pack of brats with a fork. My neighbor says, "Phil's gotta have a knife on him" and I whip out the XM and hand it over (I love listening to people's reaction and I was not disappointed. Let me also mention that we are standing on grass, not cement and he's cutting on a picnic table). Anyway, the guy uses it and says the usual, "holy (expletive) that thing's sharp". Then he asked me, "Do you always carry that?" and my neighbor, Mark, says, "He's probably got at least another one on him" with a grin (which I did). I just said, "You never know when you need to cut something..." and walked away, hearing Mark start telling him about my knife collection... (Mark's not a knife knut but he's a tool nut and admires the knives I show him. Every once in a while he asks me, "What's new on the knife front?")
 
Enjoyed the read.

Congratulations on the educational achievement. All my best in her future success.

Now to purge the speedo image...tiny / tight clothing looks only good on ladies in my not so humble opinion. ;)

It does not matter how "smart" one believes themself/themselves to be or others hold them to be...we are all ignorant and anyone denying that is truly in uhm...denial.
 
Yes, I am far to fond of the Forrest's tiny furry creatures to don anything close to speedo size. Can you imagine the panic....
Squirrels running headfirst into tree trunks at full speed knocking themselves unconscious.
Little Chipmunks stabbing twigs into their tiny little eyes to try and curb the pain.
Eagles and Hawks diving like feathered kamikazes sacrificing themselves for the good of the All

Yep. Nope. Jeans and a tee-shirt for me!:)
 
RubiconSS said:
Yes, I am far to fond of the Forrest's tiny furry creatures to don anything close to speedo size. Can you imagine the panic....
Squirrels running headfirst into tree trunks at full speed knocking themselves unconscious.
Little Chipmunks stabbing twigs into their tiny little eyes to try and curb the pain.
Eagles and Hawks diving like feathered kamikazes sacrificing themselves for the good of the All

Yep. Nope. Jeans and a tee-shirt for me!:)
Click to expand...

Poor critters.:D


So, do the non-knife guys now know how to open/close a knife?
 
Need2Know said:
Poor critters.:D


So, do the non-knife guys now know how to open/close a knife?
Click to expand...

No! That is privledged info! I will however make sure that the youngest possible (and still be safe)
knows at the next party my Two Brothers are in attendance so He/She can open AND close it with alacrity and hand it back to me in front of them.
Can't wait for that!
 
Rubi congrats with your daughter and wish her the best in future endeavors! Yes you are the "smartest guy at the table " and you handled the encounter with your brothers admirably, bravo on a great read !
 
I'd love to see Rubi and Final co-author a novella...I volunteer for a general editorial position.
 
Haha, love the story. Entertaining read Rubi! I stopped giving opened knives to people when a guy at my store attempted to close a button lock (yes, button lock), but instead cut his finger to the bone... Good times :D
 
Awesome story Rubi! I have one friend in particular that has a superstition about knives, he believes that the person that opened it has to be the one to close it. :D
 
Congratulations to your daughter.


You have a highly entertains writing style. Vivid and very comical but also to the point. I've enjoyed going back through the page on this forum to learn and have enjoyed many of your posts.


Thanks for the laughs.
 
I was re-reading your story and was reminded the price we all pay once we are stereotyped by either the family or the public. You Rubi are the Military Guy that has been secretly trained to eliminate our enemies a hundred different ways while sipping your morning coffee and reading BladeForums. Off course you are the one with the knife (sorry did not mean to insult you, knives) on his person at all times. You"re the one that is super organized and has vast stockpiles of food, guns, ammo, gas, firewood, generators and lives on high ground with a 200 meter kill zone. All this makes you and others like you "different," however whenever any kind of crisis presents its self you are always the go to person.

In the meantime you endure the comments, you know they are coming, and hopefully they are deflected in good humor. Of course sometimes you and all of us would really like to respond in kind. You know like "hey Scott how many people have you killed". And your response "this morning or yesterday afternoon?" Or "hey I bet he even sleeps with a gun under his pillow." Your response is "doesn't everyone."

Many years ago as a State Trooper you would get barraged with the dumbest comments from people, especially if you stopped for coffee or lunch. I had stopped off at this coffee shop one day and of course everyone was watching you to see if you were going to order donuts with your coffee and see if you got it free. Well, I was doing a lot of physical training at the time so my diet did not allow for that type of indulgence and taking a gratuity was a strict no no. Anyhow this lady is front of me with this 7-8 year old boy lying on the floor crying and making a scene, the mother says to the boy if you don't behave I will have this officer arrest you.

Well I guess he had no idea what she meant, so he continued his obnoxious public display of poor parenting. In frustration she said can you help me with him, of course now the coffee house was full of people that were irritated at her, the boy, and the slow line. Through my peripheral vision I caught the smirking at me now that I was placed on the spot. Lets see what did I have on my gunbelt that could aid me in this situation, my Glock 40 cal. was out of the question, too much noise in an enclosed building without hearing protection. Nightstick, yep I carried one but I could not get a good shot at the ever increasing yelling little brat, so that was out. Pepper spray, no collateral damage not acceptable, hand cuffs, no the small wrists never work well. Taser, no did not have one back then, if we did we would never be trusted and the locker room would have been a very dangerous place to be between shifts.

Okay now I defaulted to having to say something that would work , but it would have to be a "one shotter" I got down I my knees and whispered into this yelling monsters ear that if he would look outside he would see some homeless people standing there, well I told him that they come in here to use the bathrooms and sometimes they do not quite make it all the way and your are lying on urine and it's eating into your skin. Crying stopped, he jumped up and started wiping his face and arms on his mothers coat with a vengeance, he probably would have wiped it on flaming wood. People wanted to know what I told him because he was too embarrassed to talk. I did not want to give any of them the satisfaction of closure if you will, for the fact I knew they were championing failure by me.

Guess we all are "different" to come here and share pictures of our latetest Hinderers and our stories. I know one thing this is a fun place to be with a bunch of great people that don"t make you feel out of place or judge you!
 
Thank you for the compliment N2K, to be included in that sentiment along with Final is a compliment indeed.

As He often does, Final spins a web of a picture in words taking the reader into the scene and paces the story just right.
Tugged on some chords that the ring of truth still lingers in my ears, I "felt" home surrounded by the few guys I served with for extended periods oft times in places nobody heard about and cared about even less.
To this day, I am not comfortable in public places or surrounded by large numbers of people. Tried to go to the Movies last night....felt sorry for my Wife. She leaned over and said, "I can get our money back, it's ok".
I tried, I really did. Maybe next time.
Being "different" and feeling different doesn't sting as much as it used to but, there was a time (long time ago) when I felt ..."just right".
 
The "uncomfortable" feeling that keeps content and peace at bay is the awareness to the wrongs of current society.
 
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