I have been through my email collection of jokes and present to you the pick of the ( non XXX ) bunch. Time for us to have a little relief from the time of the year. Enjoy.
Ancient Chinese Torture.......
A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small
house.
Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long,
gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much
as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well,
and entered the house.
Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful
and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man
as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old
man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room
for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old
man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but
happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large
rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man
can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up,
walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he
noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left
testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close
to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he
jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he
saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle
tied to bedpost."
**********************************************************************
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the
inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What
would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on
the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the
manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next
signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use
the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
--------------------------------------
Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers
are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow,
and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He
can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says:
"You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops
working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
----------------------------------------------------
An unemployed guy got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in
a gorilla's skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to
the zoo.
On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the
cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show,
jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes
through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!
As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts
screaming, "Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut
up or we'll both lose our jobs!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
A graduate with a Law degree asks, "Who gave it a permission to work?"
A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with
that?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
> This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline
> which was transcribed from recording monitoring
> the customer care department. Needless to say the
> HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she
> is currently suing the WordPerfect organization
> for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue
> of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee
> (now I know why they record these conversations|)
>
> "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
>
> "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
>
> "What sort of trouble?"
>
> "Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
> the words went away"
>
> "Went away?"
>
> "They disappeared"
>
> "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
>
> "Nothing"
>
> "Nothing?"
>
> "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
>
> "Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
>
> "How do I tell?"
>
> "Can you see the C: prompt of the screen?"
>
> "What's a sea-prompt?"
>
> "Never mind can you move your cursor around the screen?"
>
> "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
> anything I type"
>
> "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
>
> "What's a monitor?"
>
> "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks
> like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you
> when it's on?"
>
> "I don't know?"
>
> "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and
> find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
>
> "Yes, I think so"
>
> "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
> it's plugged into the wall."
>
> "Yes it is"
>
> "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
> there were two cables plugged into the back of it,
> not just one?"
>
> "No"
>
> "Well, there are. I need you to look back there
> again
> and find the other cable."
>
> "Okay, here it is"
>
> "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
> securely into the back of your computer"
>
> "I can't reach it"
>
> "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
>
> "No"
>
> "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
> lean way over?"
>
> "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle
> it's because it's dark"
>
>"Dark?"
>
> "Yes the office light is off, and the only light I
> have is coming in from the window"
>
> "Well, turn on the office light then."
>
> "I can't"
>
> "No? Why not?"
>
> "Because there's a power failure"
>
> "A power.... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got
> it licked now! Do you still have the boxes and
> manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
>
> "Well, yes I keep them in the closet"
>
> "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and
> pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then
> take it back to the store you bought it from."
>
> "Really? Is it that bad?"
>
> "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
>
> "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I
> tell them?"
>
> "Tell them you're too f******g stupid to own a
> computer"
Ancient Chinese Torture.......
A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small
house.
Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long,
gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much
as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well,
and entered the house.
Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful
and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man
as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old
man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room
for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old
man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but
happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large
rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man
can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up,
walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he
noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left
testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close
to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he
jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he
saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle
tied to bedpost."
**********************************************************************
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the
inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What
would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on
the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the
manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next
signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use
the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
--------------------------------------
Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers
are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow,
and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He
can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says:
"You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops
working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
----------------------------------------------------
An unemployed guy got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in
a gorilla's skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to
the zoo.
On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the
cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show,
jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes
through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!
As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts
screaming, "Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut
up or we'll both lose our jobs!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
A graduate with a Law degree asks, "Who gave it a permission to work?"
A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with
that?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
> This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline
> which was transcribed from recording monitoring
> the customer care department. Needless to say the
> HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she
> is currently suing the WordPerfect organization
> for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue
> of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee
> (now I know why they record these conversations|)
>
> "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
>
> "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
>
> "What sort of trouble?"
>
> "Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
> the words went away"
>
> "Went away?"
>
> "They disappeared"
>
> "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
>
> "Nothing"
>
> "Nothing?"
>
> "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
>
> "Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
>
> "How do I tell?"
>
> "Can you see the C: prompt of the screen?"
>
> "What's a sea-prompt?"
>
> "Never mind can you move your cursor around the screen?"
>
> "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
> anything I type"
>
> "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
>
> "What's a monitor?"
>
> "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks
> like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you
> when it's on?"
>
> "I don't know?"
>
> "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and
> find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
>
> "Yes, I think so"
>
> "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
> it's plugged into the wall."
>
> "Yes it is"
>
> "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
> there were two cables plugged into the back of it,
> not just one?"
>
> "No"
>
> "Well, there are. I need you to look back there
> again
> and find the other cable."
>
> "Okay, here it is"
>
> "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
> securely into the back of your computer"
>
> "I can't reach it"
>
> "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
>
> "No"
>
> "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
> lean way over?"
>
> "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle
> it's because it's dark"
>
>"Dark?"
>
> "Yes the office light is off, and the only light I
> have is coming in from the window"
>
> "Well, turn on the office light then."
>
> "I can't"
>
> "No? Why not?"
>
> "Because there's a power failure"
>
> "A power.... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got
> it licked now! Do you still have the boxes and
> manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
>
> "Well, yes I keep them in the closet"
>
> "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and
> pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then
> take it back to the store you bought it from."
>
> "Really? Is it that bad?"
>
> "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
>
> "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I
> tell them?"
>
> "Tell them you're too f******g stupid to own a
> computer"
