So I get a phonecall Thursday morning. My very good friend's wife has just died. Naturally, I immediately drop everything, pack a backpack, jump in the truck, and head to Memphis. Living in Atlanta, that's a little more than a 440 mile trip. I get there Thursday night. Spend as much time with my friend as I can. Unfortunately, my wife is going to be coming in on a flight in Atlanta on Sunday morning (tomorrow morning), so I can't stay for the funeral service. This morning, I get back in the truck to head home. I'm almost to Chattanooga, about 140 miles from home, barrelling through the mountains. All of a sudden, FUCKING BOOOOOOOM!!!, bang bang bang, rattle rattle rattle rattle rattle! With the first boom, the oil pressure went to absolute zero, the "service engine" light started flashing like a drunk biker woman at a harley rally, and the truck grindingly comes to a stop. My eyes the size of saucers, I said, "what the fuck was that!" I pop the hood and look at the motor. Nothing is visually wrong. I climb down under the truck looking for oil or something to be gushing out... nothing. I go back to my tool box and fetch a rag. yank the dipstick out and smoke starts billowing out of the damn dipstick hole! I look at the dipstick and it's black. I wipe it off, put it back in the hole, and check it again. Other than the smoke clinging to it as I pull the stick out, it's bone dry. WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED HERE?!! Before EVERY SINGLE trip, I check the oil in my truck and make sure it's good to go. If need be, I top it off or have it changed. This time was no exception. Everything was fine when I left. Back to the truck. I go back to the toolbox and get out my big ass jug of oil and dump the whole thing in there. As I do, smoke is again billowing out of the fill spout. Nothing registers on the dipstick. ????????? I get back in the cab and twist the key. The motor starts wrenching and dancing around like a cat in the washing machine and it's knocking and banging like crazy before it promptly dies. At this point it's obvious to me that the engine is fee-fie-foe-FUCKED. No need for a professional diagnosis. At this point, I look at where I am, the middle of the mountains, just outside Chattanooga and there's nothing around. I put the plan into action. My insurance gives me roadside assistance and a tow to anywhere within 15 miles. I call my the insurance and get the tow truck on the way. I tell them, "find me the nearest Ford dealership to my current location. That's where I want my truck to go." The girl says, "Got it. There's one 11 miles away from you." The tow truck guy shows up and we get hauling ass. We make it to the place just as they're closing the doors. The time is 6:40. I immediately call Enterprise Rent-a-car and say, "I need a car right now." The girl says, "ok. Where are you?" I tell her my location. She says, "well, unfortunately, the branch close to you is closed already. Your only hope is to get to the airport. Would you like me to book you a car there?" I say, "yes please." She says, "ok. You have to get there by 7PM." I look at my watch and it says "6:46PM". I yell to the tow truck guy, "where is the airport?" He says, "about 20 minutes away." I tell the girl, "book it! I gotta run!!!." I run inside the dealership as a guy is trying to lock the door and grab the nearest business card I see and run back out. I grab the tow truck guy and say, "I'll give you $50 cash if you can get me there by 7." He says, "deal." We both jump in the tow truck and he slams the gas. He's kicking that trucks ass like a madman and has clearly done a few laps around the Indy 500. Somehow, we make it to the airport at 7:01!! I throw the cash at him as I'm launching out the door. I run into the airport terminal and find the rental car place. Right before this kid is about to pull the stupid gate down I say, "please let me pick up my car. I have a reservation." He looks at me for a second and says, "not a problem." Kid helps me out and snatches a car around for me. Then the news comes. Apparently, because I'm renting a car from an airport, I can .... wait for it......... ONLY RETURN IT BACK TO A FUCKING AIRPORT!!!! Atlanta International isn't exactly right down the street!!! Then, in a spilt second I think, I have to go there anyways to pick up my wife. I'll just drop it off then. WAIT A MINUTE!! If I do that, then how the sam-damn-hell are we supposed to get home? I then realize, I get to make, not one, BUT TWO trips to the airport tomorrow. YAY!!!!!!! That won't cost me an arm and a leg in gas! <------- heavy sarcasm. Then the kid says, "alright sir, that'll be one hundred and thirty something dollars." WHAAAAAAAT!!!!!! I need the car for one night!! What the hell!!!! I've rented cars for the entire weekend and it was only like $30 a day! I go over it with him several times until I feel confident that there's no way around it. I'm about to dish out over a bill just to rent a car and get home. Finally, though I should have been home at about 5PM, I straggle my worn out, 10PM ass in the house a little while ago. I'm beat, my truck is screwed, still have to deal with the rental car bullshit, spent butloads of money just to get home, bla bla bla. What a fucking day.