What to do with a stawker ?

V

Vermont woodsman

Joined
Jan 22, 2005
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212
My friend lisa is 31 and she went on a date with a guy , 8 months ago. a week after the date she told this guy she wasnt interested, well 8 months later he is still calling her and sending her flowers. He lives 50 miles from her house and last night was at the same bar she was at in her town. She went to the police and told them her storie but they kinda told her to lay low and not bring this to a head, because it can set him off at any time. My question is what can she do to get him to stop, I told her to answer his calls and act weird to turn him off, ...Any ideas about this whole thing are welcome..Thanks.
 
Acting weird won't turn him off. Stalkers ARE weird, it just puts her in the same class. She should NOT answer his calls; just hang up without a word.

If she sees him hanging around, go to the police again and insist on filing a report. If they are hopeless, get a lawyer.

If she ignores him, hoping she won't set him off, he will get tired of waiting and he will set thimself off. He is obsessed: he is dangerous.

Meanwhile, pepper spray might be a good idea.
 
If it gets bad enough and if she can verify that it has gotten that bad, courts in most jurisdictions will issue an order that he must keep a certain specified distance away from her and any of her specified haunts.

Be very careful with a bastard like this guy. Anything, and I meand anything, can set him off, even feeling that he is being ignored. She must press the police to help her document his stalking.
 
You need to do yourself and your friend a favor and go out and buy the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker today. You will learn more about how to deal with the situation from that book than anywhere else I can think of. Really. Do it today!

Be advised that 'acting weird' is not going to help. She should not take his calls at all. I would have her change her number as a matter of fact.

This is advice paraphrased from the above book (pg. 150-151, Ch8), the chapter is entitled "Persistence, Persistence (dealing with people who refuse to let go)":

Your friend needs to 'disengage'. If she doesn't respond to him, eventually he will turn his attention elsewhere.

This will require time and patience. However, efforts to change his mind or to change him are the opposite of what your friend wants. She wants him out of her life. There is a rule called 'engage and enrage.' The more attachment you have - whether favorable or unfavorable - the more this will escalate. You see, we know a secret, and that is your friend is never going to date or be friends with this dude or want anything to do with him. Since anything less is not going to satisfy him, we already know that part of the outcome. He is going to be left disappointed and angry and he is going to need to deal with that. If your friend talks to him, what she says will become the issue. The only way she can have her desired outcome right now is to have no contact. Only then will he begin to find other solutions to his problems, which your friend can't help with anyway. As long as he gets a response from her, he is distracted from his life. If however, she does not return his messages, then each time he gets a message: that she can resist his pursuit.

Get the book. It could save your friend's life or that of someone else you know later in life.

Good luck to you and your friend!
 
SHE must take control.If he calls she must hang up immediately without a word .The police and phone co will tell her to do this . The phone co can also record calls. Any time she sees him she should document it and leave the area immediately without speaking to him. She can get are straining order[often ignored]. She should constantly be on guard and avoid him.Protection with a firearm is a good idea but ONLY if she is trained .See a lawyer about other options .This all can be dangerous since many an ex has been attacked !!!
 
First thing I would do is change my phone number to an unlisted one. Keep after the police until they do something. At least make them file a some kind of report so that there is a paper trail of what is going on. That way, if she needs to escelate things it won;t look like she hasn't tried to do anything about it in the past. If the police won;t at least file a report, get an attorney involved, as crappy as being forced into it is.

Make sure she changes her routine, stops going to her regular hangouts for awhile, park her car in the garage (if possible), do not be alone while getting to or coming from her car, park somewhere else at work, use a different entrance and exit, see if she can change her start time and finish time so he cannot wait for her to arrive and leave work, drive a different route to work.

Those are just some of the things she may want to consider.
 
Tell her to set him up with her friend. That way he'll be the other persons problem. :)

On the serious side though is never ever attempt to confront the guy alone. Never ever walk at a quiet place alone.

When he calls do not give excuses. Just say she doesn't want him to call anymore and the next time he calls pick up and hang up. Do not even try to entertain the guy by acting weird or whatever.

Next is to tell her that she can never be too cautious. Pepper spray and always walk with someone else.

Also, you could confront the guy with her and tell him off.
 
A couple of people have said that this guy is dangerous, and that anything might set him off. Did I miss something? He MIGHT be dangerous. Who knows what (if anything) might set him off? Maybe nothing will ever set him off.

Yes--I'd still take all the precautions. But "weird" doesn't necessarilly mean he is violent, does it?

Scott
 
Scott, stalkers have been studied in depth for some time now. We know that they can be killers. This does not mean that every infatuated young man is a murderer, or even a stalker in the technical sense.

Taking a chance on this being a passing phase in his life may result in him going away, or harming her. Why take a chance? Report it, prepare for escalation, be careful.

What part of "no" does he not understand?
 
Yes-- as I said, I'd take all the precautions. "He MAY be dangerous," though, is different than "He IS dangerous, and anything might set him off."
My point is, a person with a gun might handle a meeting on the sidewalk with this "wierd" person differently, if they thought "Dangerous" instead of "Might Be Dangerous." It might be the difference between drawing, and not drawing. Depending on the situation, it might mean the difference betweening pulling the trigger vs. not pulling it. This guy might be dangerous, means take all the precausions. At this point though, we really don't know too much about this guy. If he's known to be truly dangerous, then someone should hunt him down. Otherwise, take precautions. People who carry weapons also carry a huge responsibility. It's wise to be careful. It's also wise to not overreact.
(I guess I probably wouldn't have even mentioned this except weapons were being recommended.)

Scott
 
Some of our people here routinely recommend weapons, even when local law intereferes with their advice. :) I feel that self-defense begins with awareness and understanding, not in hoping to participate in the violence.

But there's nothing wrong with studying even extreme options.
 
He could always "accidently" trip and hit his head on a cinder block. It happens so often, no really! ;)
 
I hope all goes well for your friend. IMO, I think the best course of action for your friend to take is a "zero-sum economics" approach: the less the guy comes into contact with her, the less fuel his interest is fed. Hopefully, the system can be shut down by not receiving any input.

For day-to-day practices, I recommend she do what she can to avoid crossing paths with the guy. As yam said, she should change her phone number (a necessary pain-in-the-butt), park her car in the garage, alter her arrival and departure times from work (she could explain the situation to her boss/trusted co-workers and enlist their aid), always walk with someone to and from her vehicle, and change her normal hang-outs, for a bit. In short, lay low and make herself scarce. She should also leave the suggested paper trail, in the forms of police calls and a personal log of contacts. And, as a necessary precaution, she would be very prudent to get some form of physical self-protection. It should be something that is easy, quick, and reliable to use, as well as effective. Ideally, this aid will never be needed, but it should still be acquired and practiced with. Finally, if she doesn't have a dog (or two), she should seriously consider getting one. These are the basic actions I believe she should take to protect herself.


With this guy, I think that 2 results are most likely: he will either lose interest and move onto a new target/obsession, or he will go from annoyingly persistent to full-out stalker. The hope, of course, is that if she drops off his radar, he will respond in kind. However, time will tell and she should prepare for different possibilities.
 
This may sound old fashioned but women shouldn't go to bars by themselves...the ageless standard still goes like this, women are looked upon by the police and their peers as "questionable". Tell her to really find another outlet and stay the heck out of there. Getting a caller I.D. and noting the dates and times he calls can be used as harrassment.
 
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