Advice? Selling it all. She’s leaving me after 17.5 yrs together.

[AmericanEDC]

Well, life threw a major curveball. After 17.5 years together, 11.5 married she just wants to “be alone” in her words - not married. Feels nothing. Numb. Her mother died unvaccinated Covid at 69 y.o.: she’s probably depressed. All is lost. It’s final. No chance of counseling. She’s already approved to rent a 3 bed, 2 bath home not with me. I’ve given notice on the current downsized rental home.

We are completely civil, no arguing. There are no lawyers. Kids seem to be taking it in stride as well (2 are on their own, older hence the downsized home). They’ve seen her affect change as well. She won’t even use the word divorce. I just don’t know. Not looking for sympathy, just wondering if anyone has advice. I feel overwhelmed.

I’m selling it “all” and it’s hard but my future is uncertain. Knives, guns, photography, scuba, hiking, camping, you name it. I’ve acquired a lot of quality hobby stuff over the many years when I had a lot more free cash. In 2.5 months I’m technically homeless as I’m currently under employed so won’t qualify for housing at 2x - 3x income. I’m applying for work.

Anyone have experience with this type of DOWNSIZING? It’s so tedious and honestly depressing. I don’t mean written depressing. I mean actually it’s depressing me.

My first 10 sales were on eBay (fees high, shipping was a learning curve) Now I have a knife listed here but need to value and list many more. Then there’s the hassle of the handguns. The cluelessness of selling scuba, etc.

Anyone gone through this. Suggestions?

 

[3fifty7]

Sorry to hear of your situation. Many couples go through a period of separation, sometimes it’s final sometimes not. Depression is an ugly beast, tough on those experiencing it and tough on those close to them. I wish yall the best in these times.
Selling firearms online and shipping can be a pain, I’ve had better luck selling face to face locally. I’ve tried to sell some pretty good scuba equipment(I don’t live near a diving community so that really cripples sales efforts) offers have been laughable. I left my gear at the only local shop to sell on consignment and they had it listed for over double what I was asking.

 

[AmericanEDC]

Sorry to hear of your situation. Many couples go through a period of separation, sometimes it’s final sometimes not. Depression is an ugly beast, tough on those experiencing it and tough on those close to them. I wish yall the best in these times.
Selling firearms online and shipping can be a pain, I’ve had better luck selling face to face locally. I’ve tried to sell some pretty good scuba equipment(I don’t live near a diving community so that really cripples sales efforts) offers have been laughable. I left my gear at the only local shop to sell on consignment and they had it listed for over double what I was asking.

Thank you. I’m not a depressed person and honestly never ever ever ask for help. I’m the one people come to. This is ludicrous. I have one friend a year out. Similar thing. He just said, I don’t envy what you’re about to go through. Ugh.

My assessment as well with selling firearms. Shipping is extremely limited now to only one carrier UPS so there’s FFL fees otherwise. Armslist went subscription. I may try that for local sales…luckily I’m in FL (nut job capital of the country though). Figured as much regarding scuba. Guess I’d only have a chance with a recently serviced octopus setup (I need to have serviced or tell buyer to do so) including my Suunto computer. I’ll go to a scuba shop and see what they can tell me if anything. That’s already on my infinite to do list.

 

[sgt1372]

My regrets!

FWIW, I was divorced after 25 years of marriage back in 1998 and never remarried but I've never been happier.

My ex moved out and I kept most of the household stuff. Didn't have much to divy up except debt. However, I have acquired a lot of things over time since then and have occasionally sold off some of those things.

If you want to be "rid" of the stuff as quickly as possible, the best way is to sell it off in bulk to a dealer. You won't get top $ (of course) but you will be able to get rid of it fast.

I've sold off an entire baseball memorabilia/card collection, a large # of handguns and a large # of LPs to various dealers at different times for about 50% of what I thought those things were worth at that time.

If you want to get "top dollar" for your things, you'll just have to do what you are doing by selling it yourself on the 2ndary markets. On individual sales on the 2ndary market, I've just about broken (w/either a small loss or small profit) on everything I've sold.

Rule of thumb is that it will take you just about as long to sell off your stuff this way as it took to acquire them. So, you need to be patient in this regard.

If your stuff is particularly unique/valuable, you can also try consigning them to a dealer or put them up for auction at a national/international auction house but trying to sell your stuff in these ways will also take awhile.

I've sold some art work at auction at an international auction house, which netted me about 70% of the sales value after the auction fees were substracted, but it took me months after the auction to see any of the $.

Good luck!

 

[AmericanEDC]

My regrets!

FWIW, I was divorced 25 years ago and never remarried but I've never been happier.

My ex moved out and I kept most of the household stuff. Didn't have much to divy up except debt. However, I have acquired a lot of things over time since then and have occasionally sold off some of those things.

If you want to be "rid" of the stuff as quickly as possible, the best way is to sell it off in bulk to a dealer. You won't get top $ (of course) but you will be able to get rid of it fast.

I've sold off an entire baseball memorability/card collection, a large # of handguns and a large # of LPs to various dealers at different times for about 50% of what I thought those things were worth at that time.

If you want to get "top dollar" for your things, you'll just have to do what you are doing by selling it yourself on the 2ndary markets. On individual sales on the 2ndary market, I've just about broken (w/either a small loss or small profit) on everything I've sold.

Rule of thumb is that it will take you just about as long to sell off your stuff this way as it took to acquire them. So, you need to be patient in this regard.

If your stuff is particuarly unique/valuable, you can also try consigning them to a dealer or put up for auction at a national/international auction house but trying to sell your stuff this way will take awhile.

I've also sold art work at auction which netted me about 70% of the sales value after the auction fees were substracted.

Good luck!

Very helpful, thanks. Guess it’s just a bit overwhelming piece by piece. You’re right about the value proposition. For now I’ll take it one by one starting with the valuable stuff. I just sold an L glass Canon lens. Not the sort of thing someone buys at a garage sale. I’m about to start listing more knives as I do my best to obtain realistic forum values. I’m totally not up to speed on that so each item is a research project. Again, thanks. Didn’t want to be the divorced guy…I don’t get to choose. F#%*d up.

 

[AmericanEDC]

Can I ask here what thoughts are on selling in the Gadgets forum section? I have quality torches, Maxpedition galore, hiking and camping gear, all manner of stupid gizmos probably (CountyComm), cool guy stuff. Audio included.

 

[benchwarmer380]

Can I ask here what thoughts are on selling in the Gadgets forum section? I have quality torches, Maxpedition galore, hiking and camping gear, all manner of stupid gizmos probably (CountyComm), cool guy stuff. Audio included.

Yep, that's a good place for that stuff. The guns can go there too. Putting up the SCUBA gear might also be worth a shot.

 

[ferider]

Sorry

Was divorced from wife #1 after 12 years of marriage. With wife #2 we just passed our 20 year anniversary. Regarding the divorce, don’t be depressed, even though I only realized it later, the divorce was the best thing I ever did, every change is an opportunity. Be happy that the kids are not affected.

Can’t help much with the sale, except to suggest that you don’t spend much time on it but sell via concession if possible. Every sale is like a purchase, time wise and emotionally, except it might depress you further, and you might want to spend your time on your future job instead. Just my gut feeling.

Good luck,

Roland.

 

[AmericanEDC]

Yep, that's a good place for that stuff. The guns can go there too. Putting up the SCUBA gear might also be worth a shot.

Great, thanks. Everything will be priced fairly especially without having to hassle with seller/listing fees. Figuring out fair price is the research project of my life, but sold items on eBay may help as someone just pointed out to me directly.

 

[AmericanEDC]

Sorry

Was divorced from wife #1 after 12 years of marriage. With wife #2 we just passed our 20 year anniversary. Regarding the divorce, don’t be depressed, even though I only realized it later, the divorce was the best thing I ever did, every change is an opportunity. Be happy that the kids are not affected.

Can’t help much with the sale, except to suggest that you don’t spend much time on it but sell via concession if possible. Every sale is like a purchase, except it might depress you further, and you might want to spend your time on your future job. Just my gut feeling.

Good luck,

Roland.

Thanks for the advice. It's true, the job search should be the priority. All coming at me at the same time as I'm surrounded by all my stuff as we divide up kitchen contents. How stupid is that everyone?

 

[jill jackson]

Well, life threw a major curveball. After 17.5 years together, 11.5 married she just wants to “be alone” in her words - not married. Feels nothing. Numb. Her mother died unvaccinated Covid at 69 y.o.: she’s probably depressed. All is lost. It’s final. No chance of counseling. She’s already approved to rent a 3 bed, 2 bath home not with me. I’ve given notice on the current downsized rental home.

We are completely civil, no arguing. There are no lawyers. Kids seem to be taking it in stride as well (2 are on their own, older hence the downsized home). They’ve seen her affect change as well. She won’t even use the word divorce. I just don’t know. Not looking for sympathy, just wondering if anyone has advice. I feel overwhelmed.

I’m selling it “all” and it’s hard but my future is uncertain. Knives, guns, photography, scuba, hiking, camping, you name it. I’ve acquired a lot of quality hobby stuff over the many years when I had a lot more free cash. In 2.5 months I’m technically homeless as I’m currently under employed so won’t qualify for housing at 2x - 3x income. I’m applying for work.

Anyone have experience with this type of DOWNSIZING? It’s so tedious and honestly depressing. I don’t mean written depressing. I mean actually it’s depressing me.

My first 10 sales were on eBay (fees high, shipping was a learning curve) Now I have a knife listed here but need to value and list many more. Then there’s the hassle of the handguns. The cluelessness of selling scuba, etc.

Anyone gone through this. Suggestions?

Your wife isn't, or recently going through menopause is she? I have talked to many people who got divorced when that happened. It's common enough if you Google it a lot comes up. Hormones a doctor prescribes can even make a woman more sensitive, during menopause and it's just a very difficult time for some women.

 

[AmericanEDC]

Your wife isn't, or recently going through menopause is she? I have talked to many people who got divorced when that happened. It's common enough if you Google it a lot comes up. Hormones a doctor prescribes can even make a woman more sensitive, during menopause and it's just a very difficult time for some women.

Relationship vomit here: That was exactly my first thought in combination with the horrible death of her young mother from Covid. She is 46 and 9 mos. And maybe has some signs. That may well be a factor. But there were so many other things she said that made 0 sense, like the only argument she could come up with over a broken color printer from 6 mos ago where I was apparently really “nasty to her” when the sum total of what I said was, “you wouldn’t know how to fix the printer” after she accused me of breaking it in the move. Irrational things. My psychotherapist friend said she had already made the decision to leave, didn’t want anyone to try to change her mind, and now is just looking for even the most minute thing to justify it. Even when there isn’t anything. No drugs, gambling, fights, drama, etc. so…I didn’t bring up the menopause possibility with her. It would be a nuclear explosion. I wouldn’t have the first idea how.

I’ve not researched this but she had alcoholic, abusive parents. Divorce. There was food insecurity and foster family for a time, then a shitty step father. A real Jerry Springer scenario. She is hyper sensitive to anything she senses as even remotely critical of her. I really can’t win. A common phrase I have to use is “you’ve taken that 180° from my intent.” When your wife gets mad at you for offering to make her a coffee in the morning…it’s probably best to just let her move on. She’s not always a nice person to me in later years. So maybe it’s all for the best. The three children have frequently said, Mom!” Over the many years when they saw her acting irrationally towards me.

 

[fishface5]

Bummer man, so sorry! Listing stuff for sale on here in gadgets&gear might work.

 

[madcap_magician]

Man, I am so sorry, and I hope and pray that you both heal after all this is over. I was divorced in 2017. I had it coming, although I tried to make it work at the end. Just too late.

But life does go on after. It's not the end, and you can still have a really good life. It just takes a little time.

 

[Kirk Raptor]

Having been there and done that, I feel for you. It's as if life has just gone up in smoke.

Best economic advice I can offer is don't put a lot of stuff into a storage locker. You run the risk of paying in rent far more than your things are worth. (Been there, done that, too.)

Now's the time to stick close to your friends and what family you have, lest you yourself develop depression. Good luck with the job hunt. Throwing yourself into work will at least occupy your mind productively.

That said, there is no easy way past the pain. But it will pass. Best of luck.

 

[SimplyMinded]

Well, life threw a major curveball. After 17.5 years together, 11.5 married she just wants to “be alone” in her words - not married. Feels nothing. Numb. Her mother died unvaccinated Covid at 69 y.o.: she’s probably depressed. All is lost. It’s final. No chance of counseling. She’s already approved to rent a 3 bed, 2 bath home not with me. I’ve given notice on the current downsized rental home.

We are completely civil, no arguing. There are no lawyers. Kids seem to be taking it in stride as well (2 are on their own, older hence the downsized home). They’ve seen her affect change as well. She won’t even use the word divorce. I just don’t know. Not looking for sympathy, just wondering if anyone has advice. I feel overwhelmed.

I’m selling it “all” and it’s hard but my future is uncertain. Knives, guns, photography, scuba, hiking, camping, you name it. I’ve acquired a lot of quality hobby stuff over the many years when I had a lot more free cash. In 2.5 months I’m technically homeless as I’m currently under employed so won’t qualify for housing at 2x - 3x income. I’m applying for work.

Anyone have experience with this type of DOWNSIZING? It’s so tedious and honestly depressing. I don’t mean written depressing. I mean actually it’s depressing me.

My first 10 sales were on eBay (fees high, shipping was a learning curve) Now I have a knife listed here but need to value and list many more. Then there’s the hassle of the handguns. The cluelessness of selling scuba, etc.

Anyone gone through this. Suggestions?

Been there, done that. 19 years and she said the same thing. Not trying to be a horse's ass but she doesn't prefer alone to being with you, there's another man, almost always is. My ex tried that same stunt, two days later i drive by and there's a different pickup in the driveway, still there the next morning.
My advice is that for awhile it's gonna be pretty crappy and then it gets a lot better- fast. You'll find you start remember all the airheaded crap she did that annoyed you to no end. Sleep, get healthy, try not to drink too much, spruce yourself up, go out with the boys some. You're older now, carouse a bit, at your age you got the shy part beat I'm sure.
As to finances- if you ain't got it she can't take it. You might have to live like a college kid for awhile. I did, it's doable. You'd be surprised how nice a sparsely furnished bachelor pad can be. You don't need all the "stuff", none of us do, we just form attachments to it but can transition over to less pretty quickly.
Remarried now, 9 great years in, lots of stuff (too much) again.
Hang in there.
Edit: I just wanted to add that after some time apart my ex came snooping around again, like two years after the divorce. Apparently it all fell apart with new pickup man. She had been asking mutual friends about me. She tried to give me a call, I told her I was seeing my new lady (now wife).
Me: " so yeah, kinda in a relationship."
Her: "we could maybe meet and talk, I miss you sometimes">
Me. I don't think that's a good idea (hangs up).
Victory Dance.

 

[SimplyMinded]

Relationship vomit here: That was exactly my first thought in combination with the horrible death of her young mother from Covid. She is 46 and 9 mos. And maybe has some signs. That may well be a factor. But there were so many other things she said that made 0 sense, like the only argument she could come up with over a broken color printer from 6 mos ago where I was apparently really “nasty to her” when the sum total of what I said was, “you wouldn’t know how to fix the printer” after she accused me of breaking it in the move. Irrational things. My psychotherapist friend said she had already made the decision to leave, didn’t want anyone to try to change her mind, and now is just looking for even the most minute thing to justify it. Even when there isn’t anything. No drugs, gambling, fights, drama, etc. so…I didn’t bring up the menopause possibility with her. It would be a nuclear explosion. I wouldn’t have the first idea how.

I’ve not researched this but she had alcoholic, abusive parents. Divorce. There was food insecurity and foster family for a time, then a shitty step father. A real Jerry Springer scenario. She is hyper sensitive to anything she senses as even remotely critical of her. I really can’t win. A common phrase I have to use is “you’ve taken that 180° from my intent.” When your wife gets mad at you for offering to make her a coffee in the morning…it’s probably best to just let her move on. She’s not always a nice person to me in later years. So maybe it’s all for the best. The three children have frequently said, Mom!” Over the many years when they saw her acting irrationally towards me.

me again. you mean she's menopausal, mean, vincdictive and cruel and she wants away from you? wow, a get out of jail card from B*tchville. Lots of guys have paid good money for that.

 

[AmericanEDC]

Been there, done that. 19 years and she said the same thing. Not trying to be a horse's ass but she doesn't prefer alone to being with you, there's another man, almost always is. My ex tried that same stunt, two days later i drive by and there's a different pickup in the driveway, still there the next morning.
My advice is that for awhile it's gonna be pretty crappy and then it gets a lot better- fast. You'll find you start remember all the airheaded crap she did that annoyed you to no end. Sleep, get healthy, try not to drink too much, spruce yourself up, go out with the boys some. You're older now, carouse a bit, at your age you got the shy part beat I'm sure.
As to finances- if you ain't got it she can't take it. You might have to live like a college kid for awhile. I did, it's doable. You'd be surprised how nice a sparsely furnished bachelor pad can be. You don't need all the "stuff", none of us do, we just form attachments to it but can transition over to less pretty quickly.
Remarried now, 9 great years in, lots of stuff (too much) again.
Hang in there.
Edit: I just wanted to add that after some time apart my ex came snooping around again, like two years after the divorce. Apparently it all fell apart with new pickup man. She had been asking mutual friends about me. She tried to give me a call, I told her I was seeing my new lady (now wife).
Me: " so yeah, kinda in a relationship."
Her: "we could maybe meet and talk, I miss you sometimes">
Me. I don't think that's a good idea (hangs up).
Victory Dance.

Bummer man, so sorry! Listing stuff for sale on here in gadgets&gear might work.

Thanks, appreciate it.

 

[PrairieWalker]

maybe the wife and the house is all the downsizing you need to do?
the rest might fit like a glove without the other 2.
good luck.

 

[not2sharp]

Sorry to hear. Losing the wife can often be a blessing; there is a lot of underlying stress that goes away with her. I would suggest you give yourself some time to unwind. Focus on the job and then the housing situation. You are now going to be more open to relocation, you are no longer anchored down by her or her job. I wouldn't worry about the gadgets, you can decide on those. once you get yourself and the big two (job and housing) sorted out, you can then decide what you want to do with the stuff.

Best of luck with the new life.

n2s