Ironman, it sounds from what you said like you really do have some serious problems in your life. Well, guess what? A lot of us do, so don't feel like the Lone Ranger, buddy. You still have your life and it's up to you to grab your ass, pick yourself up, and make it all at least a little bit better.
Yeah, life's a bitch sometimes. Tough. At least it's still a life. Do something with it besides sucking on cigarettes and feeling sorry for yourself. Obviously you know how to use a computer. It may be a poor substitute for a real social life, but it sure beats not having one at all. I know that for a fact.
Hey, lots of us have serious health problems. Without boring you with mine, let's just say I'm old, crippled, and have other serious health issues. Some days it's not easy, but all I know how to do is just keep on keepin' on and make the best of the hand I've been dealt.
When I was in the 4th grade and long before you were born, me and the kids I played with turned in enough pop bottles for the deposit so we could buy a pack of cigarettes and share them. Dad heard about this, like good parents are likely to do, and he took me aside and told me if I wanted to smoke I could try one of his. He lit up a Camel, passed it to me, and said, "Here, take a drag on this." After I quit coughing a couple of minutes later I understood what he wanted to teach me. Some decades later, watching him die slowly and painfully of cancer over nine months at home taught me his final lesson. I'm not that brave I don't think, but he had gone ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day and he had learned a thing or two about being brave. Dad was a man. He quit smoking 30 years before it killed him, too.
I know how addictive cigarettes are. Hell, man, a few years ago my own doctor died because he wouldn't or couldn't quit smoking! He was still a young man, too, but an aggressive form of lung cancer killed him, despite the fact that he had traveled to get treatment from the best specialists he could find. He left behind a wife and a very young child, too. He wasn't much older than you, Ironman.
I'm about to quit preaching now, but I still want to tell you this. It sounds like you think your life is so damn bad you don't want to live. If that really is the case, then be a man about it and get it over with. Cigarettes are not the way to do it. If you really must end it all, go outside where the trees and the sky are beautiful to look up at and where you won't make as big a mess for somebody else to have to clean up, then put a gun to your temple and put a bullet through your brain. If that doesn't sound so good, then borrow a water hose, put it up the tailpipe of somebody's car or truck, stick the other end inside with you, and sit there with the windows rolled up and the engine running until you go to sleep one last time. That's a lot cleaner, but it takes a little longer. Just please be sure you park where they'll find your body before it rots. After more than one day in the summer sun they'll never get the terrible stink out and the vehicle will be a total loss. I know about that. Somebody I knew spent a week in the woods in the summertime before they found his awful, rotted corpse in the cab of a real nice truck that he should have left for somebody else to use.
Ironman, straighten you ass up, find something to still enjoy instead of smoking, and make the best of what you have left. It could always be worse!