Clumsy Oaf Horror Stories

O

olpappy

Joined
Dec 6, 2004
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Anyone who's been playing with sharp objects over the years likely has sliced, dinged, stabbed and gouged themselves a few times.... Bet there are lots of amusing/ educational horror stories out there. Any one else care to share theirs?

Here's my most recent encounter: I've had a small stick tang puuko blade which I haven't had time to make a handle for, so it was sitting on the shelf along with the block of wood I was thinking of using. 3 weeks ago I was re-arranging and organizing what my wife calls "junk," when I picked up the pieces of wood off the shelf to move them. Some clumsy oaf (me) had left a knife blade sitting on the piece of wood. In the poorly lit interior of the cabinet, I didn't see it until it was too late. The long, thin piece of metal went spiraling down towards the floor, bouncing off the side of my foot along the way. The first thought through my mind was, was that the sharp end, or the dull end that just hit me? A second later red blood started spurting out onto the carpet, letting me know it was the sharp end. After applying butterfly closures and spending the afternoon squeezing my foot with my fingers and lying on my back with my foot in the air, it finally stopped bleeding. OK, so I hopped to the shower to take a bath. Turned on the water, took off my glasses, and hopped into the shower stall. Well, it was a bit wet and slippery in there, so I had to flail my arms wildly and kick my foot against the side of the tub to keep from falling. After a few minutes in the shower my wife comes in and says, "Did you know you're standing in a big pool of blood?" I said, no, I can't see without my glasses. Put glasses on, looks like the shower scene from "Psycho," except in living color. Didn't know that a 1/2" long cut could bleed so much. I refused to go all the way to the Emergency Room just to put in 2-3 stitches, so it was back to squeezing and butterflying again. I spent 2 days on crutches at work, 1 week limping around with a sandal on 1 foot. 3 wks later I'm thinking it should be completely healed, but for some reason the bone still feels bruised and the edge of my 5th toe feels numb when I touch it.

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Sounds like you hit the bone and maybe severed a nerve :(
I stabbed myself once while trying to scratch my back with a tanto in the bathroom. :D My pants slid down and I stabbed myself 1.5" deep in the leg trying to catch them. I wadded paper towels on it. I've uh, gotten a little smarter...
 
nothing special here, just the ordinary half severed my thumb when i was a teenager while gutting a perch, bled nicely all the way home, mom fainted when she saw it, i wasn't bothered much tho, tried to get my sister to pass out but she wouldn't. :D

was cutting a sammich in half in saudi a few years back, my left forefinger happened to put itself in harms way. three stitches and a severed nerve and five years on i can almost feel things with that fingertip.

the stab in the gut with a broken epee blade while fencing in my cadet days hardly counts either, just broke thru the skin and hardly into the muscle at all, the appendectomy scar covers the scar from that on now....

does stepping on a sharp pointy two penny nail as a five year old count? went straight thru the sole & stuck out the top, dad had to pull me off the hunk of lumber that had the nail in it.

ah, just remembered the one neat thing: was practicing archery with a new freind as a young lad, he turned at an inopportune time & released, shooting me in the mouth with the arrow, knocked out one of my few remaining juvenile teeth after going thru my lip, winding up just touching the back of my throat....his dad broke his new lemonwood recurve bow over his back whuppin' on him for that one ( i'm just glad we we weren't using broadheads at the time, tho it was a field point - hurt like hell - mom passed out again.)
 
olpappy?

Should there be a re-occurance, try superglue. Butterfly the edges together and then dry the area well, then apply the superglue to the edges of the cut.

Cover and treat the area like it has been cut for a few days, should heal up just fine.

Not sure how well it would work on half-severed thumbs.
 
Was just a few days from a vacation to the beach and decided that my EDC, a SOG folder, needed an edge touch-up. This brilliant thought came to me after a few (large) glasses of red wine at dinner.

So, I ambled to the basement with the knife and started to sharpen with my Lansky sharpener. Wanting to get it over quickly...I began to apply more pressure with each sharpening stroke. If you are familar with the Lansky system, you know that you have very little "purchase" on the sharpening hones...mostly your thumb and forefinger. Naturally, after a few hard strokes my hand slipped and my middle finger made hard contact with the blade.

I knew right away that this one was gonna be bad. After about a second it really began to flow and I wrapped it with a paper towel to help staunch the flow. I tried to lay on the couch and apply pressure, but after about an hour it didn't seem to be working. The kids were in bed asleep, so I decided to drive myself to the emergency room for stitches.

The ER staff were mildly amused at my explanation for the cut. They must see some real dummies on the weekend at the ER. The cut didn't go all the way to the bone, but was on a knuckle and wasn't going to close easily. I got three stitches and a caution not to go in the water or ocean for about a week. That, of course, put a damper on my beach vacation.

For me there were several lessons. Don't sharpen knives when consuming alcohol (Duh!), don't sharpen a knife two days before vacation (tempts fate), and be patient when using a Lansky.

Jeff
 
You know those little plastic triangular things they make for putting on an Xacto so it doesn't roll off your drafting table?

They're a real good idea.

No, not me. One of those starts rolling towards stomach/groin area, I jump.

This guy didn't, and it stuck in the top of his foot like an arrow does in a target- vibrating "twunggg-ggg-ggg".

Right through a leather shoe. Boy, did he bleed. Since he was a bad-tempered jerk, I felt somewhat mildly sympathetic.

_____

Answered a phone once, with Xacto in hand. Nicked ear.

Never forget it's NOT a pen....


Ad Astra
 
I damaged my finger sheathing a cold steel desperado about 3 years back. I was sheathing the blade as I thought i heard the maintenance man coming into my apt to change out the filter..didn't want to scare him with a big toothy steak knife (this was also right before I found HI). It turns out it was my uninvited girlfriend, soon to be wife, stopping by to suprise me. As i put the blade in imy pinky finger curled around the mouth. One of the teeth of the blade put a 1/4" bloodless but deep gash in my pinky and it was the most painful cut i have ever had...ever. The pain told me it was serious enough to see a Dr. Well, the people at the ER laughed at me for awhile and were toying with the idea of just putting a Snoopy band-aid on my wussy little cut and sending me home to take some OTC pain meds. That is, until they figured out that i couldn't move my finger at the knuckle. Ya know that old story, the Doc asks you were it hurts. you say "here" and he ignores that spot for 45 mins while he pokes and prods everything besides the obvious;)
Anyway, they determine that I have cut the zone 2 tendon that controls my pinky finger's tip movement. Long story short, some great hand Dr. tells me i need an exploritory $3500 op and the tendon blows again anyway. I have a nice scar and pinky finger that is locked at a near 90 degree angle. I can still use it..but it doesn't go straight at all. Later, i talk to another doctor that wouldn't have done the op. He would have told me to just use my finger as is, and it would have full movement, but the tip wouldn't work. Now the scar tissue is too great and the main tendon has drawn up for that option. Thanks, Dr. Jack@$$ :mad:
Anyway, that's my big oaf story. A tale to two oafs. Me for cutting myself and the Dr. for blindly seeing a buck to be had.

Jake
 
I was using an el cheapo Chinese steak knife to make myself a sandwich, and, while holding the mayo, sweet bologne, cheese and bread, and walking to the counter, my hands, which have been kind of active lately, God I hope it isn't the onset of Parkinsons etc, the knife jumped out of my hands and landed point first in the floor, near my foot.
 
no blood-letting here....but I have a penchant for burning myself lately.


Maybe I should stop forge-welding in my shorts and tennis shoes?
:rolleyes:
 
OK, there are about fifty kukris standing on the bookshelves that line the wall of my study. No stands, just gravity and the blade against the wood. So I'm reaching for a book next to a kukri, and surprise the kukri falls off, hits the hardshell guitar case on the floor, and flies horizontally into my bare ankle. Doesn't hurt, I'm thankful, put the kukri back on the shelf and am walking away when I wonder "Why does my foot feel wet?" Answer: because your shoe is full of blood, El Stupido! :o Butterfly closures are good things!
 
I'm a khuk newbie so my story revolves around one I got recently.

I had just received my third khuk, a Malla from the DOTH which needed epoxy repair on the handle.

I opened it up and noted their was a upside down "Y" shaped crack in the handle from bolster to butt-cap which was wide and could be bent up from the handle. There was also a chunk of handle missing from beneath the corner of the butt-cap, and a ding on the butt-cap.

I also noticed that the sheath was much looser than my previous two and the blade would slide in and out with almost no resistance. OK, three things to fix for this knife, I thought, and put it in the closet until I had more time to work with it.

The next morning, holding the Malla, in sheath, in my left hand I opened the back door and began walking out to my workroom with the intentions of beginning work on the knife. Being a newbie I did not realize that holding a khuk in a loose sheath horizontally was not a good plan because of the curve of the blade.

The blade started falling out of the sheath and, not wanting it to hit the concrete, I instinctivly moved my left hand forward to try to...do something. Re-sheath the khuk? I can't recall. Anyhow I hear something splatter on the ground and feel a little pressure on the joint of my left ring finger.

Looking back I don't know how that cut happened where it did but it was deeper than I have been cut before (barring an ice pick thought the finger and forhead cuts when a kid). Now I realize why there is a butt-cap dent and a chunk missing in the handle. This has slipped out before.

When the cut wouldn't stop bleeding with pressure, I decided to go to the emergency room for stitches.

Five stitches later (no tendon or bone damage) and after pleasent Saturday morning in the emergency room, I returned to work on the khuk. It is now epoxied and filled, sanded and finished, and the sheath fits fairly snuggly. Holding it upside down and shaking will not dislodge the Malla.

Perhaps the sheath is a little snugger than needed but I don't want to repeat this...Clumsy Oaf Horror Story.
 
Welcome Eswartz.

Your post reminds me of the pictures in the safety thread on how to hold a sheath while withdrawing the blade. They still make me wince.
 
You guys are all klutzes and need to be a helluva lot more careful. In all my life I have never done anything as stupid as you guys.:rolleyes: :p

Oops, thought this was the Tall Tale Thread.:o ;) :D
 
Washing dishes one night and trying to stuff a dish rag into a glass. It broke. Cut my hand took five stitches in the ER. Really macho story. Of course knew everyone in the ER so didn't get to forget about it for awhile.
Terry
 
I've been lucky so far...but then, I usually don't casually play with my big knives.

That's what the wickedly sharp little ones are for!

.
 
No real self-induced knife injury, but two come to mind:

First: At age 16 I was replacing a blade drive belt on a lawn mower. The belt tensioner idler pulley was tensioned by an extension spring (hooks at both ends) that was maybe 3/4" in diameter and 3" long, made from 1/16" diameter wire, and sharp ground ends on the hooks. I was using a pliers to clip the one hook over it's post and the spring slipped and the hook point entered the pad of left thumb and came out the side, just like you'd lip-hook a minnow. I exclaimed "Holy F__k!" but had the presence of mind to "unhook" the spring from my thumb rather than try to tear it out.

Unfortunately, Mom was standing right there. Nothing like the moment when your Mom hears you cuss like a sailor for the first time, is there? No stitches needed, but the Doc gave me a tetanus shot.


Second: At age 26 or so, around 1980 I was working on my wife's '77 Olds Cutlass, changing spark plugs. The last one on the left was stuck and when I reefed on the ratchet, it slipped and my left ring finger upper knuckle contacted the interlocking joint on the two halves of the brake booster. Now, on the 60s and 70s vintage GM cars the two halves of the vacuum booster employed a bayonet-type interlocking design similar to that of a pressure-cooker lid, where the halves were mated and then rotated like 3/4", firmly locking the halves. The interlocking feature is not unlike expanded metal, with a series of loops and tabs, each heavily protected by a raised burr. I am convinced that the joint was designed by Ghengis Khan (KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!). Or maybe Vlad the Impaler. But I digress.

Anyhow, the aforementioned burr split the knuckle open to the bone, about 1/2" long, and PLENTY deep enough. After running it under cold water for a time, watching a seemingly non-diminishing stream of diluted blood pass down the drain, it finally stopped bleeding, and I applied CA glue to the flaps, and added a band-aid for good measure.

Then I stood up and passed out.


OK, bonus story: Nearly everyone with a patio or deck has the obligatory table and chairs ensemble with the obligatory umbrella sticking up through the center of the table. Our patio in 1987 was no different. One Saturday afternoon there was a tremendous storm that blew up all threatening-looking, and I was instructed by the CO (my wife) to remove and secure the umbrella from the table. As I lifted the folded umbrella, the wind gusted and the umbrella tilted 30 to 40 degrees off of vertical, and in so doing the glass tabletop shattered like a B-ball backboard during the last minute of the last game of the Final Four. So now I am standing barefoot surrounded by a glistening carpet of safety glass, with visions of Bruce Willis in "Die Hard" passing through my head. At that moment the clouds opened, so with the umbrella I stepped gingerly across the patio and into the basement. Then the raindrops turn to hail the size of Hershey Kisses and larger, bouncing in the open sliding patio door as I'm sitting on the floor examing my feet for damage. One tiny puncture cut, no big deal. The CO calls down: "Did you get the umbrella in?"

"Certainly!" I replied.

The hail took the rap for the broken table.


Noah
 
My fingers can hardly forgive my various transgression. :D

One of the more notable was the time I call the "worst paper cut ever."


So, I was quickly touching up the sharpening job on a knife of mine, and I figured I wouldn't need gloves because it was just a quick session. I'm guiding the knife, and I feel my hand jerk. Turns out, I ran my finger into the rotating belt sander edge, and gave myself about a 1 cm deep paper cut. The worst part is that it is still darker than the rest of my skin due to the steel dust on the paper that got permanently inserted (and friction-burned) into my skin! :eek:

Nam
 
I once had a drunk friend who came stumbling home drunk one night and fell into a glass coffee table. We had to rush him to emergency so he could get stitches in his ass. He sat kinda funny for the next couple of weeks.

I learned a long time ago that whenever a knife seems to be heading towards the floor to JUMP! and get your feet the hell out of there!
 
I do a good bit of whittling. I go to get stiches once or twice a year on average. Less frequently than I used to when I started, but you're still going to have that slip or wood splitting off unpredictably that leaves your hand or fingers wide open for the blade. I was in a whittling thread and someone, I don't remember who, claimed to have never cut themselves in like 20-30 years of whittling. Pretty amazing.
 
While cutting 550 cord off of some camo netting with my Gerber Tanto, I was in a rush and just grabbed the cord, cocked back, and swiped. A second later I wondered how my knife got so dull it wont even cut a little cord, then my thumb started bleeding......

A year later (A.K.A. A month ago) I decided it would be fun to decorate my friends truck in 550 cord. I hadnt realized just how freakin sharp my Ka-Bar MULE folder was and was cutting the cord from below it up wards (read toward my face), and it felt like it barely touched the cord when it was suddenly in my thumb, bleeding like I think I've never bled before. So I did what anybody would have done, put a Band-Aid on it and took a nap.

I notice a trend......
 
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