Clumsy Oaf Horror Stories

Edward:

The stitches in the butt remind me of another incident when I happened to be one of the members of the "rescue" team as it were.

A co-worker went to the men's room for his morning sit-down, and apparently the full-circle seat was cracked at the front. The crack opened and widened under the co-worker's weight, allowing loose scrotal skin to enter. When he was finished with his business and attempted to stand up, the seat crack closed and bit down hard. We heard repeated "Help!" cries from the men's room and a couple of us ran to investigate. Although the co-worker was far from amused, it took a couple of us a few minutes to regain composure and begin to tackle the problem. As it happened, when he again sat, the crack did not re-widen to the degree necessary to release the affected part of his anatomy. We tried a number of things to release him, and ended up having him lean forward so that we could saw through the seat and release the "clamp" action of the crack. Upon release, the pinched scrotal tissue was lacerated and he started bleeding like a stuck hog. I got a sanitary pad from the women's room next door which he stuffed down his shorts, and I drove him to the ER for seven stitches, a tetanus shot, and an antibiotic injection.

The next week, some wag (and it wasn't me) taped a lunch baggie containing two walnuts to the men's room door.

Noah
 
MWKK '05: GRS meets the first knuckle on my left hand. Knuckle loses. I got off real lucky on that one. No pain and very little blood at the time. I have no further desire to see what the inside of my hand looks like. There's now a lump of scar tissue in there that aches me when I wake up in the morning. According to medical, it will be there for another 4-7 months. No permanent harm, full mobility and sensation, and a pretty neat scar - as I said, I got off real lucky.

Some time earlier: I attempted to use a shop rag to wipe off a very heavy burr on an AK bowie. You know how a very fine, polished edge barely hurts? A ragged, toothy wire edge hurts immensely. I felt every micron of its travel into my finger. Fortunately the bone was there to stop it. ;) Superglue saved the day and most of the rug.

Recently: I'm cleaning my room in preparation for company and brush against a hanging machete. No pain, just a sensation of cold on my finger (the same one the bowie got) and I'm layed open to the bone again. Fortunately this one was at an angle, leaving a large flap that was easy to glue back into place. That one healed up very nicely.

Soon to come: I got one of them Japanese kitchen knives with the laminated sides from Lee Valley the other day. It's light as a feather, takes and holds an unbelievable edge and cuts food like a lightsaber - and fingers, I suspect...
 
Edward Teach said:
I once had a drunk friend who came stumbling home drunk one night and fell into a glass coffee table.
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It's not knife related, but I always have to tell the story about my drunk friend in college that got hit walking across the street drunk one night as he came back from the gas station to get a snack.
Dummy decided that he couldn't make it the 1 1/2 blocks back to the dorms to eat, so the pig cracked open his jar of cheez whiz and started to eat it with his fingers...the chips were in his room. He steps right out in front of a car. It hits him, but doesn't do damage besides knocking him down on his fat face. The only problem is that he didn't want to drop his cheez whiz so he held on to it on the way down...which promptly and violently broke in his hand.
The lady gets out of the car to see if he is ok. She thinks she's killed him, but he gets up and does the macho routine and starts to flirt with her. Yeah, women LOVE fat drunk bledding guys covered in nacho cheese. He told me three things went through his mind as the car hit him and he got back up.
1st: "My Cheeeeeese!!"
2nd: "Hey, she's kinda cute. Maybe we could go somewhere."
3rd: "#$&%, that's a lot of blood".
So after he strikes out with the lady he and his roomate, who's been laughing his butt off at this whole situation...also drunk, drag themselves back to the dorms. He's dripping so much blood that the front desk calls the cops to check on him. By the time the cops get there I have him sitting over by the sink pulling bloody glass out of his wounds with a Gerber Multitool. He went stark white when the cops showed up. Drinking in a dry county, especially in the dorm, can get you in lots of trouble....and he was underaged at the time. A little Irish deplomacy on my part and promise to take him to the ER took care of the cops and they were on their way. 8 stitches to close him up...which i had to take out for the big baby 10 days later;)
That's college for ya, though.

Jake
 
A couple of my stories involving HI blades:

http://www.bladeforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=313114

And I have some new ones to share too... Actually... After counting the scars... Just two.

First one came from work. I work at a pizza place, which is very nice 'cause it's a knife friendly environment. I carry a knife at all times and I've even bought my own chef's knife to use when I'm there. The only problem is it is not a safe place for any high-end cutting utensil. The people there are hard on knives, and knives seem to be hard on them too.

Anyway, my first cut didn't even come from a knife. I was opening a can of tomato sauce to make pizza sauce and I swiped my hand across the lid to get all the sauce off, since I don't want to be wasteful, and, as I swipe my hand over, a little piece of metal sticking up decided that my pinkie was looking too happy. Nice little gash... Lots of blood. Got me out of making pizza sauce, which is a messy job... I still enjoy making it though.

The second cut came quickly after I got my new Spyderco Manix. Nice knife, by the way, and as sharp as a Spyderco. I was playing around with it while watching TV, just moving it through various grips and opening it in different manners, when something interesting came on the TV screen. I took my eyes off the knife and it flipped once in the air and landed in the meat of my forearm. It bounced out of my forearm after leaving a nice cut and did another flip before sticking in the wood floor. I quickly closed the knife and realized that bandaids wouldn't do much. Super glue is a nice little fixer, I must say.

What fun knives are. :)

Travis
 
Come to think of it, I did receive self-inflicted wounds from the first butterfly knife that I ever handled . . .

Gotta hold those things the RIGHT way.

Noah
 
My doctor suggested that I start taking a child-dose of aspirin a day (82MG) to hopefully help prevent heart problems. Well, little did I realize aspirin is also a blood thinner. I got a little 'nothing-special' cut in the shop, and it bled for 45 minutes. I was afraid I was gonna need a transfusion ;)
Don't worry, cantinistas, a little India Pale Ale got my red blood cell count right back to normal. :D
 
Last cut I got was trying to catch a British Army issue jungle machete falling from a shelf to the floor. Never knew they were that sharp and knew I should have looked for a webbing scabbard when my friend gave it to me. I should know better than to try and catch falling blades, I'm a chef! :rolleyes:
 
Andrew, I take it you're not one of those Oriental cusine chefs who use a grill and provide a show with dancing blades?



munk
 
Nothing too bad here. I've been pretty safe with my blades. Usually only little cuts when I'm tired. The worst cut I ever got was from a very small Victorinox blade that I underestimated. Taught me a good lesson.
 
munk said:
Andrew, I take it you're not one of those Oriental cusine chefs who use a grill and provide a show with dancing blades?

munk
Click to expand...

Yes, I can do that and I do have a Kai Japanese knife and a full set of Globals. Just not used to juggling a jungle machete :D
 
but I always get it from the critters.

First scenario, when the dog and I were both younger and not so chunky. The lesson here is don't give the dog beer, especially when they're 60 pounds of muscle armed with the square jaw of a Shar-pei. And if you do, for goodness sakes, don't rough house with her. I kept shoving her and she kept charging me. Over and over. Faster and faster. *CHOMP*. Dropped me in my tracks. Didn't break the skin but she darn near broke my arm. I had a hard time turning a door knob or opening a soda for a week. New ground rules- no more beer for the dog.

Second scenario, taking the cat to the vet. Last year we found a lump on the belly of my ten year old tabby. So I get the carrier and pick her up. No problem yet. As soon as her head passed the theshold of the carrier she went ballistic. I got the clawing end, my wife got the biting end. I'm still not sure who got the worst of that arrangement. The dogs are flipping out because the cat sound like she's being butchered. We're cussing like old sailors. We got her in the carrier but she won on points. When we got to the vet and held up our mutilated hands the receptionist wrote CAUTION in red letters on her chart. Of course she was as sweet as could be for the tech. She's alive and well, still full of p!ss and vinegar. Answers to "Guinevere" and "Evil". A buddy once said "Dude, that is not a domestic animal".

No scars from blades but the cat tried to kill me twice. Claws to the wrist, up not across. :eek:

Frank
 
I'm sitting here trying to type with one hand because my left hand is in an elastic bandage with a splint down my wrist and a lot of gauze. About a week ago I got a spool of black 550 cord and decided to wrap the handle of my new Becker Necker. I taped up the blade and proceeded to spend the evening trying different wrap patterns. I finally worked out one that I liked, got it tied off, and took off the tape. I had the blade back in its sheath and was admiring my work when I decided to give the lanyard one more tug to snug the knot while holding the sheath in my left hand, palm up. Naturally, the blade popped out and caressed my ring and small fingers. The ring finger had a superficial cut, but my little finger had a deep gash near the first joint with lots of bleeding. My wife drove me to the ER for stiches. When the practicioner examined it, she saw that I had also cut into the tendon. I left the ER with 5 stiches, a splint, and a ticket to see a hand surgeon in a couple of days. The surgeon scheduled me for an outpatient procedure at the hospital for the next morning after he saw me. That's how I ended up in the splint. I also have a rubber band stiched to the end of my little finger (through the nail :eek: ) and safety pinned to the bandage to keep stress off the repaired tendon. I go back to the surgeon tomorrow for a follow-up, and I hope I'll get out of this rig.

Moral: Don't mess with sharp objects when you're tired and resist the urge to do "just one more thing".
 
Deacon, welcome.
You didn't by chance hit what they call a "zone II"? I did the EXACT same thing only it was at my second joint of my small finger with a cold steel desperado. Some friendly advice, TAKE YOUR TIME GETTING BETTER. Trust me. I didn't follow the dr.'s orders and now my finger is half crippled.
Hope you get to feeling better soon.

Jake
 
Welcome aboard, Deacon.

It took me a few painful lessons before I started taping the edge of any knife that I'm working on but I eventually got there. It takes a few minutes but it keeps the carpet clean. ;)

Wasn't it Walosi who said that you may forget where the edge is, but it won't forget where you are? Wise words. That damned edge never seems to forget where I am.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery.
 
Back in April of '98, I was chopping some wood with a junker kukri that a few days ago had been sharpened close to razor sharp on a belt sander. I had agreed to go with my (now ex) girlfriend over to see a college football game. I wasn't a big fan of the two teams so I was a bit bummed about the prospect. I struck the log I was working on at a too low angle and the blade bounced off of it and into my right wrist. A light hit, but enough to cut me down to the fatty tissue. Luckily it didn't bleed much at all, but needed 4-5 stitches just the same.

Bob
 
lazy sunday afternoon:

had a piece of hickory axe handle in my left hand, my 18" WWII in the right. was mindlessly striking the hickory with it.

i hit my middle finger dead on. woke me up some.

to this day i still can't figure out how i got away with my finger intact.
 
_____

Answered a phone once, with Xacto in hand. Nicked ear.

Never forget it's NOT a pen....


Ad Astra[/QUOTE]

REPLY : It could have been worse . You could have answered the xacto with the phone in your hand ! L:O:L
 
this Sunday. I was getting tired and hungry (and sloppy) while trimming the avacado tree in the back yard. Said to myself "This will be the last branch". I was holding the branch in my right hand and just clipping the the little whispy green bits. snick-snick-snick-"Ow, f$%&". Right on the knuckle, about 1/8" deep, almost 1/2" long. Stopped bleeding pretty quickly, didn't even hurt. Well it didn't hurt till we went to a club to see some local bands play, later that night. As I type this the swelling is almost gone and the thing is near half healed. Real clean cut, that cheap little Tramontina is sharper than I thought. I'm lucky I barely tapped it. Even a half hearted swing would have landed me in the ER. Gotta read the safety thread again.

Frank
 
Good thread! I hate to sound like a broken record, but loose scabbards are dangerous as hell. You should be able to walk with a kukri in a horizontal position without worrying about it falling onto your foot.

In any case, my worse two were just plain stupidity. The first was with a jigged bone Case Trapper my Dad gave me when I was 17. Carbon steel and sharp as hell with my Dad's sharpening on it. The trapper has no locks, which is it's biggest weakness, but I still love them.

I was sitting in Church bored to tears playing with it, and staring at the female object of my affections at the time, snapping the knife closed and then open again. I was using the heavier stockman's blade of the two bladed knife. While admiring her substantial physical attributes and thinking about our upcoming Saturday night rendezvous, I snapped the knife closed one-handed, right onto the side of my right middle finger, where I felt it cut down almost to the finger bone on the side.

Not one to be dismayed by such a paltry wound, with my best "Yes, I meant to do that!" look at my friend, I immediately pulled the blade out of my finger, and snapped it closed one handed again! This time I cut my _index_ finger in exactly the same spot, also all the way down!

Looking back, I can only say, WHAT A DUMBASS!! :D If I had been looking at myself at the time do such a thing, I think I would have been rolling on the ground in laughter. As it was, I managed to unclamp the blade from my finger, and put the bloody knife back where it belonged all along, in my damned pocket.

I immediately departed for home with my Dad, who just shook his head, refrained from bellowing with laughter, and fixed my fingers.

The second time was 23 years later in 1996, when I got one of the First Production run of the Gerber Applegate Folder. The big one. That sucker was a friggin' razor. I was "practicing" snapping it open quickly, when somehow my right thumb slipped off the thumb stud and right onto the serrated part of the blade. I can tell you with good authority, that getting badly cut with a serrated blade seems to hurt more than with a straight one. I cut the living $*^t out of my thumb, and a roll of paper towels and holding my right arm up in the air for 90 minutes staunched the flow of blood, but it still ached for a week, and had to have dressings changed on it daily for at least that long.

There seems to be a recurring pattern here about playing with knives...! :D However, since I have been buying HI products, the only near misses have been with knives falling out of scabbards and trying to take my toes off.

Regards,

Norm
 
Only two... One where a 15" AK bit me after I pulled the handle out of a mineral oil bath and started to inspect it (I was sure I kept the bolster - which I gripped it by - out of the oil) which made a nice cut, and the other where El Gato Con Juevos decided to attack my leg as I was taking my AK Bowie out of the box and disovered the loose frog problem by having it and the scabard lawn dart into the floor...nearly making me the nine-toed kid...

I was pretty close quite a few times when I was working on villagerizing the BGRS...
 
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