Contest Win a Carnivore

B

Bob Taylor

Platinum Member
Joined
Dec 10, 1998
Messages
400
With the elections drawing closer we conservatives need to get a head start. Clinton Jokes are all played out so. The Subject is Al Gore. The best Al Gore Joke posted here wins a Personalized Carnivore with some trick embellishment make us laugh and win. Entries will be judged by REKAT’s Department of Political Incorrectness. The winner will be announced October 16.


Bob Taylor

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Some days it's not worth chewing through the restraints and escaping.
 
How can you spot Al Gore in a bunch of Secret Service agents?
He's the stiff one.

Al Gore is so dull that his secret service code name is "Al Gore"

How can we be sure that there won't be anymore Whitehouse Sex scandals?
Gore don't turn anyone on.

What does a rock have that Gore don't?
Personality.

With the latest medical trend being a ressurgence in non-medicinal therapy and natural therepy, doctors have been busy looking for a new sleep aid. Right now they are working on a way to lower the potency of an Al Gore press conference.

I try..a am not too funny when I don't have coffee in me..

yeK

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It is not a matter of whether or not you are paranoid, it is a matter of whether or not you are paranoid enough.

AKTI # A000348
 
Pick your favorite Gore quote:

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
 
President Clinton decides to buy one of the puppies as a present for Hillary. He sneaks the puppy under his coat into the White House and he's walking down one of the halls when he comes upon Al Gore. Clinton can't hold back and shares his surprise with the Vice President.

"Look what I got for Hillary!" exclaims Clinton, holding up the puppy.

Al Gore stares for a moment, then his eyes brighten up as he says, "Nice trade, sir!"
 
Question for Al Gore:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Al's answer: To get ... to the other ... side.
 
What's a guaranteed way to eliminate presidential sex scandals in the US?

(all in unison): Elect Al Gore
 
A man died on a subway train in New York City and his body rode the train for five hours before anyone noticed it. Apparently they thought it was just Al Gore in town to campaign for Hillary Clinton's Senate bid.

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Ciao

Mike Melone

"Praise be to the LORD my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle. " Psalm 144:1
"One loves to possess arms, though they hope never to have occasion for them." --Thomas Jefferson


 
What's the fastest way to dull your Carnivore?

A: Rename it to Carnigore.

Dew.

 
Al and Tipper were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Al got up from his coffee and replies "Well, okay."

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Al got up from his coffee and replies, "Well, okay."

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Al didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He says to Tipper, "What am I going to do now, Tipper?" Tipper replies, "Aw, Al, just leave the car in the garage."
 
Vice President Al Gore went to a meeting last week in Washington, D. C. of the Committee on Autistic Youth in America. He was the only one to show up with an easel and paint brushes.

[This message has been edited by Bob Irons (edited 07 October 1999).]
 
Al's Vision for the Future (satire):

What kind of country do we want for the children of the 21st Century? That is the choice we face in the year 2000. Having served eight years in the Clinton administration, I have to tell you: we've got it pretty damn good! I want to keep America's prosperous economy from sliding into a recession, or worse yet, a depression. I think I can handle that. I have a plan to do this: I call it the Prosperity Superhighway[tm]. I want to create an America where we recognize how tired today's working parents are -- and take action to let them sleep in so they won't be so tired the next day at work. I want to create an America where we have safer, stronger, more livable communities -- with clean children who breathe pure air and drink micro-filtered tap water. I want our nation to lead the world to a shiny glorious future, but one with a smaller hole in the ozone layer. With your money and hard work, that is the America we can have -- for ourselves and for our clean children... and just maybe for their children.
 
Al on the environmental issue (satire):

From his leadership in the House to serve only single-malt scotch ; to his pioneering House and Senate efforts to fund shopping carts that could be used as shelters by the homeless, long before it was widely recognized as a serious issue; to his best-selling book about the environment, "Earthhood - The Matriarchal Underpinnings of a Global Paradigm" -- Al Gore has been a leading gadfly of environmental extremeism for more than two decades. It is a commitment that began when he was a young boy, learning the importance of not peeing in the well on his family farm in Carthage, Tennessee. And it is a commitment he has carried to the White House, working with President Clinton to "hit the mark" in the toilet.

Al Gore knows that choosing between the economy and the environment is easy: screw the economy! That is why he has worked to protect the environment in ways that are realistic and achievable -- while helping America to seize the lead in the estimated $400 billion worldwide market for toothpicks that have been previously used by Pamela Anderson.

[This message has been edited by Bob Irons (edited 07 October 1999).]
 
VICE PRESIDENT GORE ANNOUNCES
GENETIC ENGINEERING INITIATIVE TO
ENHANCE ENDANGERED SPECIES

For Immediate Release:
VICE PRESIDENT GORE ANNOUNCES GENETIC ENGINEERING INITIATIVE TO ENHANCE ENDANGERED SPECIES

Government program seeks to give formerly defenseless animals advanced capabilities.

Washington, D.C. -- In a stunning policy shift, Vice President Gore announced an immediate initiative to equip endangered species with advanced bio-engineered powers. These advances promise to give once pathetic inbred subspecies "a hand up, not a hand out," quipped Gore.

Among the species being considered for bio-enhancements are the Florida panther, the spotted owl, and certain species of salmon.

"Imagine a time when the hopelessly sterile and genetically mutated Florida panther can be endowed with the abilities to thrive in a modern setting," said the Vice President, looking rather dapper. "We have the ability to not only help the panther survive, but to actually fly through the air for short distances. With this advantage, the panther will be able to swoop down on small prey."

The Vice-President went on to describe a massive program which would endow spotted owls with genetically engineered x-ray vision and helping salmon grow poisonous barbs which could kill an animal the size of a deer on contact.

"We are entering a new age of environmentalism which will turn the corner on our relationship with the little forest critters. This forty billion dollar program will take us through much of the research and development phase and perhaps provide us with the technology to produce a polar bear which can sing a hypnotic melody which will instantly cause sea lions to freeze in there tracks and stare blankly at the sky while they are devoured alive.

It is estimated that at least four species could be taken off the endangered species list with this assistance. After field tests prove the technology, the second phase will include developing super-intelligent moths which will alert forest-dwelling animals of approaching hunters and forest-fires.

[This message has been edited by Bob Irons (edited 07 October 1999).]
 
Yet another Press Release:

VICE PRESIDENT GORE DEFENDS RIGHT OF PARENTS TO NOT CHOOSE TO PRECLUDE VIEWERSHIP OF SOUTHPARK TO THE PREVIOUSLY UNBORN

Those found to have failed to enact in-house restrictions not
restrained from enacting stiffer enforcement

Washington, D.C. -- With little fanfare, Vice President Gore announced that teen-aged mothers would not be held accountable for their unborn children who might be present while they watched episodes of the popular television program "South Park".

The announcement comes just three weeks after a young girl in Tennessee watched the show while conceiving her third child. Several witnesses warned her of the dangers of watching the program during the act. Nine months later the girl gave birth to a Furby while working as a department-store cashier.

"I hope this will put an end to the pain and emotional scarring
pushed down these women's throats each day," said the Vice President, who was attending the waxing of this car. "The time has come for us to push the envelope of excellence to a new frontier and beyond."

It is indeed a sad day when we must pause to reflect on those that have had to endure such a tragedy. Hopefully, we can put this load of crap behind us and get down to the people's business.

[This message has been edited by Bob Irons (edited 07 October 1999).]
 
Al's Achievements as Vice President:

On the Economy:

Boldly refused to stand in the way of Congress's efforts to cut the deficit - a shrewd move that has paid off big time.

Helped to not block passage of the Telecommunications Act of 1996, to promote private investment and competition in the telecommunications industry.

Leads administration efforts on Community Empowerment -- to use Government hand-outs and incentives to pay off crack dealers to move to a neighborhood in someone else's community.

On Reinventing Government:

Saved taxpayers $1322 by bringing lunches from home instead of eating the Government-made lunches in the cafeteria.

Worked to reduce the federal workforce by over 365,000 -- which oddly caused welfare and unemployment figures to increase by a like amount.

Eliminated 16,000 pages of outdated regulation and 640,000 pages of internal government rules and bureaucracy and replaced them with a 221 volume, 2,494,003 page omnibus how-to book on running Government things.

On Education:

Helped fund a Government subsidy to chalk producers.

Supported the apple industry by eating apple sauce three times last month.

On Technology:

Called for an Electronic Bill of Rights to protect the civil rights of Artificial Intelligence. After calling for this legislation, Congress passed a bill to identity robot life forms which may have already reached consciousness.

Launched bold new livability initiative -- to help communities outlaw chewing gum (like Disneyland!), eliminate automobiles, use lower-wattage light bulbs, and pursue regional take-an-orphan-to-work day.

On Foreign Policy:

Bombed some poor bastard country.

Led efforts to feed the homeless created by the bombing (that one almost passed).

Encouraged people in charge to sign an agreement with that country we were bombing.
 
Al Gore was arrested for shooting a spotted owl.
When he got to court, the judge said, "You know it's
illegal to shoot spotted owls. They're an endangered
species."
Gore replied, "I know, your Honor, but I was lost in the
woods and I was starving. That poor owl was the first
food I had seen in three days!"
The judge took pity on Mr. Gore and said, "Well, I'll let
you off with a warning this time. It's obvious that you
were trying to survive. Just don't do it again."
The vice president swore that he wouldn't and thanked
the judge profusely. On his way out, the judge stopped
him. "By the way, Mr. Vice President, how did it taste?"
He thought a moment then replied, "Not bad ... not
bad, a lot like bald eagle."
 
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