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Contest Win a Carnivore
- Thread starter Bob Taylor
- Start date
In a tantalizing display of his vision of how the government can solve our everyday problems, Presidential candidate Al Gore has addressed a series of critical problems that affect Americans today. Last Monday, the Vice President announced his plans to find a solution for the nation's traffic jams, a tragic phenomenon which is causing nationwide lost wages, broken marriages and general annoyance. Then on Thursday, he announced his plans to solve the discomfort factor on the nation's airlines, making the skies indeed more friendly.
Today, at a homeshow convention in Cincinnati, Mr. Gore made his boldest announcement yet. He came out publicly for his opposition to waxy buildup on the floors of household kitchens across the country. "Our country", he announced, "is in the grip of a waxy buildup crisis. I refuse to shrink from this clear and present danger to the brave women and men who live and work in our nation's kitchens." He went on to state that waxy buildup is one of the major causes for the demoralization of housewives and househusbands in our country and that he will not rest until all kitchens and bathrooms are stripped of this insidious danger. "When I am elected President," he promised, holding aloft a kitchen mop, "my first Executive Order under the Emergency Powers Act will be to announce a Kitchen Protection Agency, empowered to take whatever steps are necessary to cleanse this nation of waxy buildup."
On Tuesday, the Vice President will address the American Kennel Club. He is expected to unveil his war on fleas.
Today, at a homeshow convention in Cincinnati, Mr. Gore made his boldest announcement yet. He came out publicly for his opposition to waxy buildup on the floors of household kitchens across the country. "Our country", he announced, "is in the grip of a waxy buildup crisis. I refuse to shrink from this clear and present danger to the brave women and men who live and work in our nation's kitchens." He went on to state that waxy buildup is one of the major causes for the demoralization of housewives and househusbands in our country and that he will not rest until all kitchens and bathrooms are stripped of this insidious danger. "When I am elected President," he promised, holding aloft a kitchen mop, "my first Executive Order under the Emergency Powers Act will be to announce a Kitchen Protection Agency, empowered to take whatever steps are necessary to cleanse this nation of waxy buildup."
On Tuesday, the Vice President will address the American Kennel Club. He is expected to unveil his war on fleas.
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
That clears up a lot of things.
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Shawn
"Earth has its boundaries, but human stupidity is limitless."
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
That clears up a lot of things.
------------------
Shawn
"Earth has its boundaries, but human stupidity is limitless."
David Letterman Top 10 Lists
THE "PREDICTED" TOP TEN MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATHS
10) Ellen DeGeneres - Suffocates in the closet
9) Susan Lucci - Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy
8) Jenny McCarthy - Struck by a random thought
7) Frank Sinatra - Killed by Strangers in the Night
6) RuPaul - Prostate Cancer
5) O.J. Simpson - Murdered by the "real Killer" in an apparent suicide
4) Madonna - Exposure
3) Unabomber - Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
2) Al Gore - Dutch Elm Disease
AND THE "PREDICTED" NUMBER ONE MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATH
1) Bill Gates - Falls out of a Window
THE "PREDICTED" TOP TEN MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATHS
10) Ellen DeGeneres - Suffocates in the closet
9) Susan Lucci - Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy
8) Jenny McCarthy - Struck by a random thought
7) Frank Sinatra - Killed by Strangers in the Night
6) RuPaul - Prostate Cancer
5) O.J. Simpson - Murdered by the "real Killer" in an apparent suicide
4) Madonna - Exposure
3) Unabomber - Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
2) Al Gore - Dutch Elm Disease
AND THE "PREDICTED" NUMBER ONE MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATH
1) Bill Gates - Falls out of a Window
- Joined
- Dec 25, 1998
- Messages
- 7,394
If I win the Carnivore can I have Al Gores face etched on the blade?
------------------
-Dennis
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-Dennis
-= Top Ten New Allegations Against Al Gore =-
10. Has been covering up the fact that Janet Reno is his identical twin brother
9. Made hilarious prank fundraising calls under the name "Jerky Al"
8. Before Cabinet meetings, always gets, like, really baked
7. Has thirty pounds of plastic explosives taped to his body at all times
6. Uses White House phones to run service called "1-900-HOT-VEEP"
5. Leaves Big Macs all around Oval Office in hope that President Clinton will eat himself to death
4. During campaign, spread rumor that Dole was old, when in fact he's only 36
3. On the night of March 12, at approximately 8:15 PM, he blinked *
2. According to Tipper, he's not nearly as stiff as everyone thinks
1. He's the real father of Michael Jackson's baby
10. Has been covering up the fact that Janet Reno is his identical twin brother
9. Made hilarious prank fundraising calls under the name "Jerky Al"
8. Before Cabinet meetings, always gets, like, really baked
7. Has thirty pounds of plastic explosives taped to his body at all times
6. Uses White House phones to run service called "1-900-HOT-VEEP"
5. Leaves Big Macs all around Oval Office in hope that President Clinton will eat himself to death
4. During campaign, spread rumor that Dole was old, when in fact he's only 36
3. On the night of March 12, at approximately 8:15 PM, he blinked *
2. According to Tipper, he's not nearly as stiff as everyone thinks
1. He's the real father of Michael Jackson's baby
Will Durst on Al Gore:
Vulcan. Father of five: four kids and the Internet.
The human dialtone.
Walks like a man trying to trip the electric eye of an automatic door opener in the dark.
The product of reverse taxidermy.
The man needs strobe lights at press conferences to give the appearance of movement.
Every spring you have to hose him down with Thompson's Water Sealant.
Question: What do you call Al Gore leaning on a podium?
Answer: A woodpile.
Vulcan. Father of five: four kids and the Internet.
The human dialtone.
Walks like a man trying to trip the electric eye of an automatic door opener in the dark.
The product of reverse taxidermy.
The man needs strobe lights at press conferences to give the appearance of movement.
Every spring you have to hose him down with Thompson's Water Sealant.
Question: What do you call Al Gore leaning on a podium?
Answer: A woodpile.
Gore's Miracle Cure for Insomnia
In an electrifying speech reminiscent of the firey diatribes given by Huey Long and Eldridge Clever, Vice President Al Gore told Congress today that he had discovered a miracle cure for insomnia. Gore, who recently announced he will be a candiate for president in the year 2000, was surrounded by dozens of former insomniacs who insisted they were 100% cured by their brief encounters with the Vice President. Gore also denied secretly undergoing extensive plastic surgery to remove massive cellulose deposits from his face and neck thought to be responsible for his wooden appearance.
Beverly Hills Slumber Party
Holding back tears and choked with emotion, Gore recalled the day of discovery. "Tipper and I were rubbing elbows with the masses at an exclusive Beverly Hills clinic for sleep disorders. A long suffering patient came up to shake my hand and give me a campaign contribution, and feeling he needed a good laugh, I began to tell him one of my best jokes. Well, before I could get to the part where the farmer's daughter finally realizes she's in the barn with a pig and not Jethro, the man gently keels over on to the floor and falls sound asleep."
At first, Gore didn't make the connection, but soon realized as he strolled through the ward that every where he went, people started falling asleep. "It was simply amazing. One poor soul I talked to who hadn't slept for three months fell asleep in the men's room. He was still snoozing like a dead man after three plumbers and four attendents popped him out of the toilet with the help of a crowbar and some leftover bear grease I had in my pocket."
"Bug Eyes" No Match for Gore
The highlight of Gore's address was an actual demonstration on a test subject, James "Bug Eyes" O'Donovan. Selected by Republican opponents and found living under the Dulles International Airport runway, Bug Eyes hadn't slept since Reagan was President and the air traffic controllers went out on strike.
But Bug Eyes was apparently no match for Gore, who had just begun describing his macho barn storming days in Nashville as a cub reporter when O'Donovan collapsed on the podium as if shot by a cannon. It took Republican backers ten minutes and 12 cups of force-fed coffee to revive him. But not for long. Gore scored a massive one-two knockout punch when he pulled out his family portrait album and then began reading from his new book on the environment.
Panic in the GOP
Gore ended his speech by promising to hold massive "sleep-ins" for insomniacs all over the country. Later than evening, panic began to spead over Capitol Hill Republicans. Dick Army was especially worried. "It's like he puts the whammy or the evil eye on people. There's no defense against it. Every night I have the same nightmare. Our nominee is going head-to-head with Gore in a nationally televised debate, and then falls asleep when it's his turn to speak."
Newt Gingrich was even more worried. "We've managed to keep Clinton on the defensive by sicking Starr on his horny ass. But there's no way we can sell a sex scandal about Gore to the American people. And that crap about campaign finances won't wash either because we're against campaign finance reform and have been laundering even more money than the Democrats."
In an electrifying speech reminiscent of the firey diatribes given by Huey Long and Eldridge Clever, Vice President Al Gore told Congress today that he had discovered a miracle cure for insomnia. Gore, who recently announced he will be a candiate for president in the year 2000, was surrounded by dozens of former insomniacs who insisted they were 100% cured by their brief encounters with the Vice President. Gore also denied secretly undergoing extensive plastic surgery to remove massive cellulose deposits from his face and neck thought to be responsible for his wooden appearance.
Beverly Hills Slumber Party
Holding back tears and choked with emotion, Gore recalled the day of discovery. "Tipper and I were rubbing elbows with the masses at an exclusive Beverly Hills clinic for sleep disorders. A long suffering patient came up to shake my hand and give me a campaign contribution, and feeling he needed a good laugh, I began to tell him one of my best jokes. Well, before I could get to the part where the farmer's daughter finally realizes she's in the barn with a pig and not Jethro, the man gently keels over on to the floor and falls sound asleep."
At first, Gore didn't make the connection, but soon realized as he strolled through the ward that every where he went, people started falling asleep. "It was simply amazing. One poor soul I talked to who hadn't slept for three months fell asleep in the men's room. He was still snoozing like a dead man after three plumbers and four attendents popped him out of the toilet with the help of a crowbar and some leftover bear grease I had in my pocket."
"Bug Eyes" No Match for Gore
The highlight of Gore's address was an actual demonstration on a test subject, James "Bug Eyes" O'Donovan. Selected by Republican opponents and found living under the Dulles International Airport runway, Bug Eyes hadn't slept since Reagan was President and the air traffic controllers went out on strike.
But Bug Eyes was apparently no match for Gore, who had just begun describing his macho barn storming days in Nashville as a cub reporter when O'Donovan collapsed on the podium as if shot by a cannon. It took Republican backers ten minutes and 12 cups of force-fed coffee to revive him. But not for long. Gore scored a massive one-two knockout punch when he pulled out his family portrait album and then began reading from his new book on the environment.
Panic in the GOP
Gore ended his speech by promising to hold massive "sleep-ins" for insomniacs all over the country. Later than evening, panic began to spead over Capitol Hill Republicans. Dick Army was especially worried. "It's like he puts the whammy or the evil eye on people. There's no defense against it. Every night I have the same nightmare. Our nominee is going head-to-head with Gore in a nationally televised debate, and then falls asleep when it's his turn to speak."
Newt Gingrich was even more worried. "We've managed to keep Clinton on the defensive by sicking Starr on his horny ass. But there's no way we can sell a sex scandal about Gore to the American people. And that crap about campaign finances won't wash either because we're against campaign finance reform and have been laundering even more money than the Democrats."
GORE FAMILY NEARLY HOMELESS
WASHINGTON ~ Concerned auditors at the IRS recently discovered that the Vice-President is on the verge of homelessness. The compassionate IRS agents immediately decided to help out the Gore family during their hard economic times.
IRS Special Accountant Bobby Dobalina, Jr. called the Republicrat National Committee immediately and Republicrat bigwigs set up a trust for Al and Tipper. According to their tax return, the Gores only had income of $197,729 but had to pay a whopping $47,662 in taxes due to a lack of legal deductions. Unlike most Republicrats, who get a healthy mortgage interest deduction, the poor Gore family pays no mortgage payment on the Vice-Presidential Mansion. The Gores also have to spend about $75,000 on tuition fees to send their children to the finest private schools, leaving them nearly broke.
The Republicrat Gore Trust is being set up by a Little Rock law firm and is already accepting donations to help out the Gores. Bobby Dobalina, Jr. told reporters of Gore's extreme generosity, referring to the deductions Gore took for $353 given to charity.
"Just think, if every American sent Vice-President Gore $353, the Gores would not have to face a future of poverty and homelessness," Bobby Dobalina, Jr. said with tears in his eyes,"If only people would be as generous to him as he has been to others."
Lola, an intern in the Vice-President's Office, told reporters that the Gores usually try to keep their charitable donations a secret.
"Al is the most honest and humble man I know. He would never try to capitalize on his generosity and charitable work," the lovely Lola told drunken reporters after the press conference.
The trust fund is not without its critics. Extreme moderates in the Republicrat Party claim that the reason the Vice-President is so generous is because he is an alien. Indicating a split in the unipartisan system, renegade soldiers of the Dick Army Brigade, of which Gore is a member, released a classified photo to wEakLy wHiRL kNEwZ indicating that Gore knows more about evil mutant aliens than he has admitted to.
"Sure, Gore can give away $353. What's money to an alien?" an unidentified spokesman for the Dick Army Brigade told reporters when he delivered the revealing photo.
"All this charity proves he is an alien. Humans don't give away that kind of money," the Dick Army spokesman told us.
Several days after recieving the photo, wEakLy wHiRL kNEwZ UFO experts examined the picture and was able to identify the space ship. According to the experts, the space ship originated from the Arien Planet. The Ariens are evil mutant aliens that may be controlling the human race. Click here to see the shocking picture of Gore greeting evil mutant aliens.
http://members.aol.com/scarien/gore2.htm
[This message has been edited by Bob Irons (edited 08 October 1999).]
WASHINGTON ~ Concerned auditors at the IRS recently discovered that the Vice-President is on the verge of homelessness. The compassionate IRS agents immediately decided to help out the Gore family during their hard economic times.
IRS Special Accountant Bobby Dobalina, Jr. called the Republicrat National Committee immediately and Republicrat bigwigs set up a trust for Al and Tipper. According to their tax return, the Gores only had income of $197,729 but had to pay a whopping $47,662 in taxes due to a lack of legal deductions. Unlike most Republicrats, who get a healthy mortgage interest deduction, the poor Gore family pays no mortgage payment on the Vice-Presidential Mansion. The Gores also have to spend about $75,000 on tuition fees to send their children to the finest private schools, leaving them nearly broke.
The Republicrat Gore Trust is being set up by a Little Rock law firm and is already accepting donations to help out the Gores. Bobby Dobalina, Jr. told reporters of Gore's extreme generosity, referring to the deductions Gore took for $353 given to charity.
"Just think, if every American sent Vice-President Gore $353, the Gores would not have to face a future of poverty and homelessness," Bobby Dobalina, Jr. said with tears in his eyes,"If only people would be as generous to him as he has been to others."
Lola, an intern in the Vice-President's Office, told reporters that the Gores usually try to keep their charitable donations a secret.
"Al is the most honest and humble man I know. He would never try to capitalize on his generosity and charitable work," the lovely Lola told drunken reporters after the press conference.
The trust fund is not without its critics. Extreme moderates in the Republicrat Party claim that the reason the Vice-President is so generous is because he is an alien. Indicating a split in the unipartisan system, renegade soldiers of the Dick Army Brigade, of which Gore is a member, released a classified photo to wEakLy wHiRL kNEwZ indicating that Gore knows more about evil mutant aliens than he has admitted to.
"Sure, Gore can give away $353. What's money to an alien?" an unidentified spokesman for the Dick Army Brigade told reporters when he delivered the revealing photo.
"All this charity proves he is an alien. Humans don't give away that kind of money," the Dick Army spokesman told us.
Several days after recieving the photo, wEakLy wHiRL kNEwZ UFO experts examined the picture and was able to identify the space ship. According to the experts, the space ship originated from the Arien Planet. The Ariens are evil mutant aliens that may be controlling the human race. Click here to see the shocking picture of Gore greeting evil mutant aliens.
http://members.aol.com/scarien/gore2.htm
[This message has been edited by Bob Irons (edited 08 October 1999).]
- Joined
- Dec 25, 1998
- Messages
- 7,394
Mr. Irons, you don't really want this knife do you? You know I really need it.
------------------
-Dennis
------------------
-Dennis
Here are mine, hope they win.
Al Gore is so stiff, he could be the poster boy for VIAGRA!
Don't worry about Al Gores' future after he loses the election.He can always claim fame as the "father of VIAGRA".
Truer words were never spoken of the stiffest man ever made.
I hope you all laugh your !@#@!@# off!
Al Gore is so stiff, he could be the poster boy for VIAGRA!
Don't worry about Al Gores' future after he loses the election.He can always claim fame as the "father of VIAGRA".
Truer words were never spoken of the stiffest man ever made.
I hope you all laugh your !@#@!@# off!
-RadarMan-(<Now that Washington National Airport has been named after Ronald Reagan, the Democrats want equal time. So the Republicans have agreed to name an airport after Vice-President Al Gore.
It's a small general aviation field where pilots practice "dead stick" landings...
It's a small general aviation field where pilots practice "dead stick" landings...
GORE CAMPAIGN WEB SITE TO USE LATEST AMERICAN TECHNOLOGY AS SOON AS CHINESE HAVE IT READY
The much anticipated presidential campaign web site for Al Gore will soon go online incorporating the latest, cutting edge technology. However, Gore campaign officials indicated that the site has been delayed while Chinese technicians complete the finishing touches. "Their bid to construct the site was far lower than anyone else's, plus we have a long-established relationship with the high tech industry in China," said the campaign's webmaster who simply goes by the name "Spigot." A source in Shanghai revealed that numerous aspects of the Internet technology for the Gore site were adopted from U.S. defense applications.
The much anticipated presidential campaign web site for Al Gore will soon go online incorporating the latest, cutting edge technology. However, Gore campaign officials indicated that the site has been delayed while Chinese technicians complete the finishing touches. "Their bid to construct the site was far lower than anyone else's, plus we have a long-established relationship with the high tech industry in China," said the campaign's webmaster who simply goes by the name "Spigot." A source in Shanghai revealed that numerous aspects of the Internet technology for the Gore site were adopted from U.S. defense applications.
GORE CLAIMS HE INVENTED SLICED BREAD
In a published interview in "My Weekly Reader," Vice President Al Gore claims that he invented the concept of sliced bread. "It's a little known fact that several decades ago when I was toiling on our family farm in Washington, D.C. I developed a mechanical device that slices an entire loaf of bread without polluting the atmosphere nor contributing to global warming. Though I'm a modest person I take full credit for this invention," said Gore.
A spokesman for the National Bread Association scoffed at Gore's assertion. "Frankly there were many people who made major contributions toward the development of sliced bread and Al Gore is not one of them. This is another one of his half-baked ideas that he's gotten into his head," said Todd Giller of the association.
In a published interview in "My Weekly Reader," Vice President Al Gore claims that he invented the concept of sliced bread. "It's a little known fact that several decades ago when I was toiling on our family farm in Washington, D.C. I developed a mechanical device that slices an entire loaf of bread without polluting the atmosphere nor contributing to global warming. Though I'm a modest person I take full credit for this invention," said Gore.
A spokesman for the National Bread Association scoffed at Gore's assertion. "Frankly there were many people who made major contributions toward the development of sliced bread and Al Gore is not one of them. This is another one of his half-baked ideas that he's gotten into his head," said Todd Giller of the association.