Feeling miserable (kind of "whine" material, sorry)

Ashes

Ashes

Joined
Aug 2, 2002
Messages
2,490
This might qualify as a whine, but I'm sticking with community since people tend to be nicer to you here, and I need people to be nice to me. :(

I had a terrible day yesterday. I found out something I shouldn't have known and it really upset me. Actually, I should have known it, but I suppose the way I found it was kinda strange. I wasn't even snooping; it was right there out in the open just waiting to be found, but he didn't believe me. It affected my sister too, and I was so upset after work that I just sort of last-minute skipped the turn-off to my road and drove the next few miles to her house to show her, and of course she was upset too. But she was the only person I could possibly talk to about this, so I'm still glad I told her.

Then the person whom the whole thing was about found out (my sister was too pissed at him to hold her tongue), and he got angry with me for finding the thing and yelled at me on the phone until I hung up on him. He called back and left a mean message when I wouldn't answer. I called my sister then and she called him and he called back and left an apologetic message, but also said that we need to talk about it, and I don't want to talk about it with him.

I also have a doctor's appt today and am probably going to have to go back to the lab for more testing because they screwed up my results last time, which means probably two more scars in my forearms again from the damn blood clotting test.

I also got drunk last night. And I have two new unexplainable bruises to show for it. I also got into a fight with my boyfriend, partly about my drinking. I'm going to tell my doctor today, but I always tell him and there really is nothing he can do except tell me to go to AA, which I don't want to do in such a small town.

I just want to go back to bed and cry myself to sleep again. I'm tired, hungover, and I just had two shots of vodka so that I (hopefully) won't get shakey by the time I have to go to work.

I'm depressed as ever. :(

[/whine]

~ashes
 
Don't know what to say to you sweetie.You've been so nice to me here on the forums.But here goes,I was an alcoholic 15 years ago and I was a one man train wreck.I was lucky enough to just quit,no AA,no intervention,just lucky and will power I never knew I had.I killed at least a whole bottle of Jim Beam a day,every day.You'll be amazed at how clear your life will become when not seen through the fog of booze.Your boozin' buddies will hassle you,at least mine did,but you'll realize they weren't your friends at all.Hope your medical stuff gets turned around too.LOL,leatherbird.
 
Ashes said:
This might qualify as a whine, but I'm sticking with community since people tend to be nicer to you here, and I need people to be nice to me. :(

I had a terrible day yesterday. I found out something I shouldn't have known and it really upset me. Actually, I should have known it, but I suppose the way I found it was kinda strange. I wasn't even snooping; it was right there out in the open just waiting to be found, but he didn't believe me. It affected my sister too, and I was so upset after work that I just sort of last-minute skipped the turn-off to my road and drove the next few miles to her house to show her, and of course she was upset too. But she was the only person I could possibly talk to about this, so I'm still glad I told her.

Then the person whom the whole thing was about found out (my sister was too pissed at him to hold her tongue), and he got angry with me for finding the thing and yelled at me on the phone until I hung up on him. He called back and left a mean message when I wouldn't answer. I called my sister then and she called him and he called back and left an apologetic message, but also said that we need to talk about it, and I don't want to talk about it with him.

I also have a doctor's appt today and am probably going to have to go back to the lab for more testing because they screwed up my results last time, which means probably two more scars in my forearms again from the damn blood clotting test.

I also got drunk last night. And I have two new unexplainable bruises to show for it. I also got into a fight with my boyfriend, partly about my drinking. I'm going to tell my doctor today, but I always tell him and there really is nothing he can do except tell me to go to AA, which I don't want to do in such a small town.

I just want to go back to bed and cry myself to sleep again. I'm tired, hungover, and I just had two shots of vodka so that I (hopefully) won't get shakey by the time I have to go to work.

I'm depressed as ever. :(

[/whine]

~ashes
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Been there in spades. Ashes, if you WANT to quit,you will. Alky is a failing crutch . Any problem you have will still be there tomorrow but it will be magnified & you'll be less able to cope with a hangover.

You CAN do it !

God loves you Ashes & so do I !

Uncle Alan ;)
 
One part is going from admitting you're a fuctional alky, to realizing there's really no such thing. Sooner or later the disaster's coming. Go look at Nick's pictures, maybe it'll help you feel better :D . If I ever make it to your shop to get my customs sharpened, I'll be happy to contribute to the 'Help Ashes get a Nick Wheeler Knife Fund'. Hope the funk goes away soon.
 
Ashes said:
but I always tell him and there really is nothing he can do except tell me to go to AA, which I don't want to do in such a small town.
Click to expand...
Ashes, Is there anyway you could drive a few extra miles to find another AA? I know of several people who have conducted discrete business and/or personal actions in a nearby city so noone who didn't need to know would find out.
I hope you look into this. Thanks.
 
Sorry to hear you're having a drag. Hope you get things sorted out. There's always light at the end of the tunnel, isn't there?

Please don't drink when in a bad mood, I've learnt the hard way myself. I used to binge badly in my late teens... I'm fortunate to have friends who have been able to look past my sometimes unforgivable behaviour.
 
Ashes,
some advice from you ol buddy Ren the devils trailboss...

Honey this too shall pass. Try to see things in a big perspective. Are you focused on the tree but have you forgotten the forest? In this world people do stupid mean things to eachother. You need to do a few things..
1. Forgive the person who did you wrong.
2. Apologize to this person and to your sister
3. discuss the problem in a rational manner without emotions..probably not today or tomorrow but sometime when you have a grip.
4. and quit beating yourself up about slipping off the bandwagon. Ok you slipped..but just dont fall..Face facts kiddo..your a human being..you make mistakes but from what I know of you, you have HUGE inner strength..do not let the bottle rob you of that.
5. Go to AA..who cares what the little town gossip says..You know who you are and so do the people that matter. Your boyfriend, We pirates, and your family love you and who gives a flying PHUCK what the rest of the world thinks..
6. again..stop beating yourself up..you had a bad day..you will have others..but tomorrow the sun will shine again..and you have a lot of lovin, livin, and laughing to do yet..


Relax hon...your going to be just fine..now grind some blades for me ok???

Ren
 
Ashes, I want to say "get that boy out of your home and pour out the alcohol" tell your father you have got to get some help for it and I don't want to see a beautiful young lady get very old, very quick. Love you.
 
I read all of your responses, and I want to respond to each of you, but basically I would say the same thing: THANK YOU for being so understanding and helpful about the whole thing.

Ren, thanks a lot for the thoughtful response. I did take it to heart, and it did help. :)

Cindy, no way in hell will I "get rid of the boy"! I think if it weren't for him I'd be dead by now. Remember, he and I were best friends for years before we started dating, only recently. We have both gotten each other through some rough times. I think the WORST thing now would be to lose him. I hate myself for that too, and I don't want to admit it, but I am nothing if not honest.

Walking Man, yes, I could go to the next town over if I really wanted to, but it is a huge hassle with my schedule and my animals (like having kids, in a way) so even though I have considered it, I know I won't actually do it. I do sometimes go on to soberrecovery.com and read stuff there (and post only occasionally - not recently.)

Everyone else I didn't mention personally... thank you so much for being supportive. I truly appreciate all of your responses.

I cancelled my appointment with my doctor after I had an argument with H over the phone and told him I just can NOT talk to him in person just yet. He knows he is wrong, but he was trying to justify it. I think I was pretty fair in my response to him, even though I'm not so good at "thinking on my feet". I said what I needed to say though, mostly. It's both personal and professional to me, so it affects every part of my life. It sucks working for your father.

He actually (yes, this is truly amazing) told me to take the day off (on the phone this morning, after a long "discussion".) Amazing because, as the "boss's daughter" I can never get away with anything that the other guys do. I never get any vacation or sick time or anything... I have to make up any time I need to take off, which is never "personal time" either.

Thanks again...
~ashes
 
Ashes, we care about you(I'm sure you knew before, but misfortune reinforces who may be your friends and who is not).

Yeild not to misfortune, but advance all the more boldly agianst it.

Don't let the bottle take over your life. I went looking for the answer in the bottom of a bottle once. Made it worse when I thought it over. Excersize is the solution(at least in my case it was).

I'm usually online, and always there to talk/listen. You don't have to go at this alone.
 
Ashes, I dont really know you too well but from what ive read here you are a really cool chick. I hope you get better and I will pray for you. :)
 
VampyreWolf said:
Don't let the bottle take over your life. I went looking for the answer in the bottom of a bottle once. Made it worse when I thought it over. Excersize is the solution(at least in my case it was).
Click to expand...

Okay, but you are obviously not an addict. I also am a compulsive exerciser. It's not yet 4:30 a.m. and I just finished working out for about 45 minutes. Yes, that or a bottle. Now I'm drinking. I can't explain why, and it is totally STUPID, but I need it. If you never had an addiction you probably can't understand that. (And I mean a true addiction; I've had lots, and I still do, unfortunately. :( )

I woke up because my dog was barking... Normally she sleeps in my bedroom but she got fleas and I am treating her and have to leave her in her crate at night until they are gone. (I treated the cats and the rest of the house too; I don't want it to become a huge problem!)

J and I were getting along great all day, then Alice started barking and I knew it was her "there is something wrong with me" bark. (This was around 3:20 a.m.) I asked him if he would go check on her and let her out and he acted like he couldn't wake up enough to do it, even though there is no way that the sound of a whiney, barky dog right outside your bedroom will not have already waken you up. After a few minutes of wanting to tear my hair out, I got up, let her outside, and realized that she'd pissed in her crate. This is the second time she's done this since I've had to keep her crated at night. I'm guessing it is some kind of doggy-rebellion thing (she's only about 2 1/2 years old; doggy adolescence?)

So I cleaned the crate and let her back in. THEN he comes out and starts bitching that he would have come out and taken care of it if I had given him more than ten seconds. HELLO??? I gave him at least five minutes, with Alice still barking. I can't leave her like that when I know there is something wrong, so I got up and just did it myself. What really pisses me off is that I have to be at work by nine and now I'm up for the rest of the morning, and he went back to bed pissed off at me, wondering why I was a little annoyed about the whole thing. He has NOTHING to do today. He can sleep in too.

I was wrong... there are no exceptions. I feel like a fool. Or maybe I'm just screwed up beyond help. :rolleyes:

~ashes
 
I'm not really a person who should be giving out advice, but here goes. Right now, I would personally put on headphones with some calming/relaxing music. Take deep breathes and relax. Try not to think about anything. Trust me, it ain't easy. You need to let your mind relax.

Regarding your boyfriend, it could be that if he is like me, getting woke up late at night, I tend to be in a bad mood even if there is no reason. Just my bodies reaction. I wish I could give you advice on drinking, but I haven't ventured that wagon. Only addiction I had was weed and some may say that isn't an addiction, but another discussion. I know how you feel in the sense of cravings.

Do you draw? I find myself keeping my hands busy with drawing, even if I do suck or writing poems (try to make'em happy but screw it up :) ). The exercise is good to a point, but I would tend to think it may be counter productive. Step outside, take a deep breath and try to put aside any thoughts. Allow yourself a moment to relax and not focus on the present. Then go inside and maybe right a poem about grinding, or a time (Camping trip, etc.) that you were on top of the world.

Hope some of this helps.


Depression and "feeling like a fool" for me personally are signs that I am exhausted physically and mentally and thats when I make it appoint not to make/do decisions/anything till I draw or distract my mind for a bit.
 
Ashes, there's been a lot of good advice here, so I won't add anything except to say that I'm thinking of you and that I'm sending prayers your way.

Take care.
 
Not to take away from this thread Ashes, but Geno acts the same way Alice does when I have to de-flea him and heck, just move the crate further from the house !
 
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