GAW... just give me one reason... WINNER

Velitrius

Velitrius

Joined
Mar 3, 2000
Messages
4,798
Velitrius here, patron saint of the Terrible Ironic Horde.

I give hope to the hopeless, help to the helpless and clues to the clueless. Sometimes knifes to the knifeless, this being such a time.

But I'm not going to give you one of my knifes without a dang good reason. So you need to tell me in this thread, just why the hell I should part with one of my knifes, trudging down to the post office to mail it to you, wishing the whole time I had it back. And none of these woe-is-me, country western sob stories where your wife left the trailer park, truck won't start and dog cheated on you. Sympathy will only get you a recommendation to start a GoFundMe campaign. I want a creative, entertaining reason to go through the trouble on your behalf.

Edit: No time to do the separate voting thread... major unforeseen schedule overhaul...

Oh... the knife... Well, it's a Kershaw Tension. Big ol' hunk of some Chinese steel that was probably a De Soto fender at one time. G-10 slabs. Looks like a ZT 350, if you look at it sideways and in the right light after a few shots of Captain Morgan's. If you can't afford a ZT 350 then....

Well, I was going to say that this knife is the next best thing, but it ain't. Not even close. But it is brand spanking new, and still in the package. A review of it can be found right here at BFC at this locality:

http://www.bladeforums.com/forums/showthread.php/952230-Kershaw-Tension-review

So get off your duff and start deserving this knife! Velitrius out.
 
Last edited:
It was June, 1968, in the steaming jungles of Thanh Hoa, Vietnam when my platoon, after being held down by intense V.C. fire finally surrendered. We were herded to a nearby temple overrun with spider monkeys and scorpions and put in six separate cages and given harmonicas and forced to sing the blues. Competitively. Many a heart was broken behind those bars. Little did our Asian "friends" know, one of my men, Private Masterson (or Little Richard as we liked to call him - 4'6" and 90 lbs. soaking wet) had managed to duck out of sight when we were captured and tracked us to our prison. On a moonless night, he snuck into their midst and stole a set of keys and one of their knives and promised he'd be back. He set about carving six copies of bamboo keys with the knife so we could all be released at once! So the following night, right after the sergeant's gripping version of Ball and Chain (he'd won the last 2 nights in a row), he snuck us the keys and once Victor Charlie was asleep, we escaped into the dense forest evening. We marched for a few hours when, lo and behold, we came across a bamboo fort! Little Richard had been busy with his Chinese knife and had fashioned a 4 bed 2 bath bungalow in the middle of North Vietnam! As we staggered inside, we also saw he'd prepared a meal for us with place settings all carved out of bamboo (with the cutest teaspoons and salad forks!). We all ate with abandon and as we planned the direction of our hike the following day, I heard the whispered strains of...a bamboo flute! Turns out he'd also fashioned instruments for us to play on, all using his stolen knife! We had a rousing rendition of Born on a Bad Sign before we all drifted off for the night. That morning, we woke to what sounded like engine noises. That guy! He'd made a bus for us during the night out of bamboo and vines! My platoon was over-joyed and soon had climbed in and we drove all day until we got back to camp. It had been quite an experience.
So, now many years later, I have to return to 'Nam. I'm taking part in a Survivor episode and am hoping I can find my harmonica. But the one thing I know I need and can NOT survive without - is a $20 Chinese knife. I may not have Little Richard's skill with a blade, but he showed me what a little know-how and a piece of cheap steel can accomplish in the jungle.

**EDIT: I should add I USED to have a ZT 0350, but traded it this week. It'd be really nice to replace it with something that's really...not quite...even remotely similar to it while still technically being a "knife". For sentimental reasons....
 
Last edited:
rschuch said:
It was June, 1968, in the steaming jungles of Thanh Hoa, Vietnam when my platoon, after being held down by intense V.C. fire finally surrendered. We were herded to a nearby temple overrun with spider monkeys and scorpions and put in six separate cages and given harmonicas and forced to sing the blues. Competitively. Many a heart was broken behind those bars. Little did our Asian "friends" know, one of my men, Private Masterson (or Little Richard as we liked to call him - 4'6" and 90 lbs. soaking wet) had managed to duck out of sight when we were captured and tracked us to our prison. On a moonless night, he snuck into their midst and stole a set of keys and one of their knives and promised he'd be back. He set about carving six copies of bamboo keys with the knife so we could all be released at once! So the following night, right after the sergeant's gripping version of Ball and Chain (he'd won the last 2 nights in a row), he snuck us the keys and once Victor Charlie was asleep, we escaped into the dense forest evening. We marched for a few hours when, lo and behold, we came across a bamboo fort! Little Richard had been busy with his Chinese knife and had fashioned a 4 bed 2 bath bungalow in the middle of North Vietnam! As we staggered inside, we also saw he'd prepared a meal for us with place settings all carved out of bamboo (with the cutest teaspoons and salad forks!). We all ate with abandon and as we planned the direction of our hike the following day, I heard the whispered strains of...a bamboo flute! Turns out he'd also fashioned instruments for us to play on, all using his stolen knife! We had a rousing rendition of Born on a Bad Sign before we all drifted off for the night. That morning, we woke to what sounded like engine noises. That guy! He'd made a bus for us during the night out of bamboo and vines! My platoon was over-joyed and soon had climbed in and we drove all day until we got back to camp. It had been quite an experience.
So, now many years later, I have to return to 'Nam. I'm taking part in a Survivor episode and am hoping I can find my harmonica. But the one thing I know I need and can NOT survive without - is a $20 Chinese knife. I may not have Little Richard's skill with a blade, but he showed me what a little know-how and a piece of cheap steel can accomplish in the jungle.

**EDIT: I should add I USED to have a ZT 0350, but traded it this week. It'd be really nice to replace it with something that's really...not quite...even remotely similar to it while still technically being a "knife". For sentimental reasons....
Click to expand...

That will be hard to top. After reading this one I saw no need in me spinning my wheels. I did subscribe though.:)
 
abcdef said:
Impressive gaw.
Click to expand...

It is indeed. I actually thought of tossing another knife in with it, just so the winner would be able to get through the ominous plastic and extract the Kershaw.

But Jarbenzas are getting hard to come by. And if the zombies show up and catch me Jarbenza-less? Trouble ensues, my friend.
 
You should give me the knife so when the gum mint* comes to take away all your knifes, there will be at least one knive they won't get their hands on.

*that's "gummint". I hate auto-correct.
 
Two dozen other stupid reasons...

Why we should suffer for this...

Don't bother trying to explain them,

Just hold my hand while we come to a decision on it...
 
I'm packing up for a trip, and I'm short a knife. The requirements are simple. It need to tolerate low temperatures, moderate radiation, abrasive sand and close to vacuum conditions and just simply work. The good news is, rust will never be an issue. It will also need to have a strong detent/lockup when it is closed, Or some kind of a locking mechanism to stay closed under heavy Gs.
If you have such a knife, I would be pleased to carry it on my journey. I just need to figure out what lube to use, and how to clean that damn red sand out of it everyday.

- marvin d. M.
 
my son is graduating from high school. It would make a great graduation gift for him.. He likes to borrow my knives.

Ric
 
There I was, knee deep in Buffalo dung, along the bank of Mambeezi River. I had been contracted to hunt down a massive mankiller, a lion the locals called, "Ol' One Eyed Jasper"...seems some southern dialect had managed to make its way even to this faraway land. Anyhoo, Ol' Jasper got his name because as it turns out, it had been hunted before, by a party of 100 of the most masculine men you could find. As they cornered him deep within his cave, Jasper just ripped them apart one by one, until one of the men, a good, righteous sort, pulled out his lucky jarbenza that he'd won at the roller rink in a pickle eating contest. (Get it, jar, pickle?!?) He managed to leap out of the way when Ol Jasper lunged, sticking his knife pivot deep in the eye socket of the meanest son of a gun you've ever heard of. Well, after that, he must have just managed to piss Ol jasper off real good, because he promptly ate the mans face off. So, they decided they better call in backup, so there i was. Now, I've got a good gun, and I've got a good woman at home (who thinks I do no wrong..), but I ain't never had a jarbenza. So as I crept up to the mouth of this cave, still covered in excrement, contracting diseases from mosquitoes and slowly developing a rash in my nether regions, I knew it was gonna be me or Ol One Eye Jasper that day. I decided to bite the bullet and charged into his den, where Ol Jasper laid waiting. I went to fire my rifle, but it must have been plugged up with poo, because the damn thing exploded in my hands, knocking me to the ground and filling the cavern with smoke. Desperately, I pulled out my Mtech Lion killer and searched through the smoke, only to see Jasper standing on his hind legs holding an Mtech ManMurderer! "This is it", I thought as we clashed. I swung at his neck, but his mane quickly dulled the edge of my surgical stainless blade. He nicked me in the ribs, but then I got him off guard with a punch below the belt. That slowed him down just long enough for me to remember that I had my emergency Mtech Emergency Knife strapped to my leg, which gave me the advantage of TWO surgical stainless blades. I slashed and gashed, Ol Jasper screamed in pain and roared in anger. And then, just as he was about to succumb to his injuries, I looked into his good eye, and fell madly in love. I knew then that he wasn't a mankiller, but a manlover. I helped him up, sewed up his cuts, and we kissed. It's been a year now, this cave doesn't get good reception. But I'm gonna make an honest lion out of Ol Jasper, and as a wedding gift I'd love to give him a kershaw Tension. I hope you'll make my dream a reality:thumbup:
 
Last edited:
You should send it to me because I'll give it away without making anyone dance for my entertainment.
 
You should send the knife to me because I lost the last pocket clip knife I owned by letting the knife slip out of my rear trousers pocket Besides, I need a knife with a nifty thumb stud so that people will ask "is that a switchblade?" :D
Great story about the bamboo survival equipment:cool:
 
RSCHUCH, I laughed the first time I read your entry, I laughed the second and third time...

I must declare you the winner. Shoot me an e-mail and we'll get this out to you.
 
Much appreciated and very generous of you (well, not VERY... moderately maybe)! It was an honor to compete in this contest of letters and to kick all your butts! Writing is an art that must be true and honest and from the heart. Every word I wrote is verifiable fact .... except that in 1968 I was, uh, 2, and instead of being in Thanh Hoa, Vietnam, I was in a town or two to the west - closer to Bristol, R.I. where the jungles are, er, thinner. But everything else is absolutely true. It's on the internet, so it has to be.

You're all invited to my 4 bed 2 bath bamboo bungalow in Vietnam for celebratory drinks and karaoke!
 
Congrats to the winner. A funny yarn.

I was not in a funny mood, so I abstained from the contest.

Thanks to the OP for a fun giveaway.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top