help on motivation?

37up

37up

Joined
Jun 16, 2002
Messages
1,104
Hi guys,

I'd like to pick your collective thoughts...

I am a person who would prefer to flee from hardship rather than face it head on. I am currently being bullied at work by both co-workers and my managers, most likely because I am not respected and possibly seen as more of a child than an adult. I can't stand up to them because it would just invite more ridicule and they are now ganging up on me. Their perception of me is now concrete.

I have stood up for myself, but the results were me being ganged up on, or they simply do not respect what I have to say. I have once been talked down to as if I were a child.

I am a heavy procrastinator and tend to wait until the last minute to do tasks. I would prefer to stay up all night to do work because I simply can't get myself to start it. I then get into a habit of leaving work early, sleeping in the evening, and working during sleeping hours. This has given me a bad impression at work that I don't work a full day.

I am indecisive, and have a habit of asking others what they think on most occasions. I've been told that I have had entire conversations where all I did was ask questions on what to do, second opinions, etc.

Even though I work in a hostile, heavily clique environment with sweatshop like conditions... I don't want to leave, I can't leave, I want to start a family, it's just not possible. The organization and team I work for is highly respected. It is not unusual for me to work 80-90 hours a week for 2-3 week stretches.

Any tips?
 
Leave.

Don't plan a future based on income from a place you dislike.

Start looking now.
 
Kismet is correct, it sounds like a thoroughly miserable cannot-win situation.
Even retaliation wouldn't bring any practical gain... to stay on would just induce depression sooner or later, all the more so if its a sweatshop type of environment.
See to things in logical sequence; don't get yourself into non-work financial responsibilities whereby you feel trapped into that working setup... leave as soon as is practical.
 
Folks raise kids on McDonalds pay...it can be done. Your happiness and health (eventually) are worth more than anything else.

I may lose everything this year...but it's just things. I've never been happier.
 
I'd have to agree with Kismet. After five years working for a company I can't stand, it aint worth it.
 
You must be doing something right or they would have gotten rid of you long ago. Is this a corporation your working for? If so they should have a human resource representative for you to talk to about the harassment.
 
I'd like to offer good advice, but I'm afraid we're just too different. Still, perhaps a few words will help a bit.

I've never been able to tolerate bullying or 'put up' with disrespect. I cannot and will not abide it...ever. I'm not a big guy (5'10", 210 lbs) but then I don't think physical size matters at all in the modern world. It's all about what you have inside. Once your childhood is over, you'll probably find you don't ever have to get physical to make your point (I haven't -- even though I have enough training in this area).

You are clearly a hard worker and I suspect a very valuable one, or you wouldn't be counted on for all those hours.

Unfortunately, people in your company have already developed an untenable attitude towards you. This leaves you fighting not one but two hard problems: their bad attitude and your quiet, unassuming behavior.

I'm afraid the advice provided by the others above is probably the best. Get out and start over. Admittedly, that only solves one of the problems and leaves the more difficult issue for you to solve. And you'll need some personal help with that -- a mentor or a coach to help you understand the roots of the problem and then model more useful behaviors for you.

Trust me, you never, ever need to stand for this. You should be respected for your abilities and hard work, for the value you bring to your company. At the very least, turn away permanently from those who will not offer you that respect -- likely, they themselves do not deserve respect.

There is a way you should behave yourself that clearly communicates your confidence and awareness of self-worth. It can't be taught you in an e-mail. You need a coach or mentor to learn it...and lots of practice. And a new attitude -- one that never, ever permits anyone to disrespect you.
 
Dave, you're an asset- your critics are asses.

Is self-employment an option?


Mike
 
I think to best describe who I am is via an analogy.

There is a minor question that needs to be answered. Nothing difficult.

Person A: Self research, goes out on their own to discover the answer for themselves.
Person B: First instinct and immediate action is to ask for guidence, help, ask another for the answer.

I am person B.

Granted, I could find a new job, but this subject is more along the lines of how do I learn to look to myself for answers? How does one develop self-determination?
 
I think about motivation a lot. And struggle at times to implement it in my life in a consistent fashion. However, as I get older, and marginally wiser, this consistency grows.

Dave it sounds to me like you are challenging who you are, where you want to be, and how to get there. Everyone has their own particular style and way about them, and a crucial part of life is finding a niche in which you work well, and on your own terms. Based on how you've described your job, I would also advise leaving. A happy, poor father will always be better than a rich, miserable one.

Since it is right in front of me, a little Xingyiquan theory....

" Do not be hurried in turning over the rivers and reversing the ocean. A single phoenix who dares to fly toward the sun can be said to be brave."

"When it is time to retreat, then retreat to prepare for an advance."


Spirits Up!

~ Bamboo
 
l'd tell them all to stuff it.

This ain't high school and those guys sound like (supposed) adults acting like high schoolers.

There's better places to work.
 
Dave Hahn said:
Granted, I could find a new job, but this subject is more along the lines of how do I learn to look to myself for answers? How does one develop self-determination?
Click to expand...

Just do it.

A few questions:

Can you really find a new job?
Are you good at the work you do?
Is it in demand at other companies?
Does it pay reasonably well -- without the ridiculous overtime?

Before you say or do anything -- on the job or off it -- stop/
and think.

List (mentally or on a notepad)
what needs to be done
and how you've done it in the past.
Then do it.

You sound like you know your job.
Remember that you do when other people don't.

Don't react to people behaving inappropriately.
Ignore them if it's not job-related, don't hear them,
or do what you've been instructed to do if it is.

Above all, don't second-guess yourself.
It sounds like your fellow workers do enough of that for you.
Do your best and ignore the rest.
 
Sounds like you deserve more. I guess you might need to ask "What can I do in the short term to get more respect while I'm looking for something else?"

I have a similar temperament / personality style to you, although I haven't been treated this badly at work. (Now my former in-laws and ex-wife...thats a different story!) You might want to think about documenting the abuse, which may come in handy later in court. ANy meetings you go into, you might want to try taking a sympathetic co-worker (I'm assuming there is one!) and, again, document everything. There just might an employee ombudsman or lawyer that will help you out later.

Finally, learn more about yourself and your strengths and weaknesses. Take a personality profile test and listen to what it tells you about your strengths and weaknesses. Try to work on your weaknesses, by, eg, speaking up about littlte things to start with. You can move on to bigger issues later.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Cheers, Acolyte.
 
I am a heavy procrastinator and tend to wait until the last minute to do tasks. I would prefer to stay up all night to do work because I simply can't get myself to start it. I then get into a habit of leaving work early, sleeping in the evening, and working during sleeping hours.
Click to expand...

I want to address this separately, because it may be a key to the whole situation.

Your behavior here sounds a lot like depression. Depression is not a simple thing, but there are ways to deal with it.

One way is physical. How much exercise are you getting? Increase it. This doesn't have to mean heavy workouts. Walking is an excellent way to get a healthy level of physical activity without adding stress.

Another way is a mental equivalent of exercise. Start a project that has nothing to do with your job. A good one would be to prepare a resume and research the best places to post it, either online or with employment agencies.

You are not the problem. That you came to us and could talk about it here proves this. Keep working on the solution, and keep us all involved. You are a much better person than the situation you find yourself in now -- don't accept that the childish behavior of a bunch of punks defines what you are.
 
Ha, you sound like me. I'm going to bet you are a game designer from your job description(or at least a coder). I would put in 12-14 hours a day at Apple and while I had the respect of co workers, I always waited to the last minute to do important jobs. Management likes to see things done early and have progress reports. If you want to stay, play by their rules and expectations or leave.

Early on I made a vow to never keep a job I didn't enjoy as I have seen it eat to many good people up doing a job they hated.

I'm self employed now and loving it. Start looking for something else.

Really.
 
If you need motivation on what a Father will do for his family watch this and follow the link to their website. He never ran before his son asked him to. Now his best times are sub 6 min miles for marathons(pushing his son all the way)

He could have been world class, but had no interest in running without his son with him.
Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4B-r8KJhlE
Website
http://www.teamhoyt.com/

This page says it all http://www.teamhoyt.com/races.shtml

# 216 Triathlons, 6 Ironman distances
# 20 Duathlons
# 65 Marathons, 25 Boston Marathons
Total 942 events


Personal Bests

* 2:40:47 Marathon
* 56:21 15K
* 1:21:12 Half Marathon
* 40:27 7.1 Miler
* 13:43:37 Ironman Triathlon
* 35:48 10K
* 2:01:54 18.6 miler
* 27:17 5 miler
* 59:01 10 miler
* 17:40 5K
* 2:10:45 20 miler

Biked and ran across the USA in 1992-3,735 miles in 45 consecutive days
Biked the states of Connecticut,Rhode Island, Massachussets,with "Axa World Ride '95"
Biked from Pittsburgh,PA to Washington DC with "Axa World Ride 95 "

Remember, he is acting as his son's arms and legs every race. He found a way to enrich his son's life.
 
Well, much as I hate to say this, you probably ought not to quit until you have another job guaranteed -- a brother of mine recently put in his 2 weeks notice based on a verbal job offer, and then said job was given to someone else instead, and he can't get his old job back, so his wife is the sole breadwinner while he's trying to find new employment.

You're working too many hours, and lack of sleep is making you mental. Cut out the extra overtime, and work "normal" office hours for appearences sake -- for a few weeks, anyhow. During this time, try not to draw any negative attention to yourself. Don't ask questions unless ABSOLUTELY necessary. Don't complain unless it's something important. Yeah, everyone is acting badly, and it is a "toxic" and "hostile" workplace -- but you're wandering around in a daze, not being at your desk during office hours, and asking what some co-workers seem to think are "stupid questions" is making you appear incompetant -- regardless of your abilities or the quality of your work. You need to keep quiet, work on your body language, and learn to project confidence.

Next, as Esav said, you're clinically depressed. This is due in large part to the unfair treatment you've been getting from your employers and coworkers -- which is partially due to your appearance of being irresponsible and unprofessional. They feel as if you're getting a "free ride" and are engaging in "group stalking." They will ease up as your appearance changes, and they assume that someone "talked to you" and you thereby "learned your lesson." You need to start showing up during normal hours and tune everyone else out -- wear an iPod if necessary. Be sure to shower each morning and wear different clothes each day. Get at least 7 hrs sleep a night, put your alarm clock across the room so you can't hit the snooze button, and keep a can of doubleshot espresso on your nightstand.

Depression is commonly caused by nutritional deficiencies -- chief among them is lack of Omega-3 oils. I recommend getting a bottle of Nordic Natural fish oil softgels -- cheap fish oil is rancid, and the Nordic Natural has a nice lemon favor with no aftertaste. NutriCology ProGreens cost $45 for a month supply, but it is the best suppliment commercially available -- you should mix a scoop in your juice every morning. And buy a top quality multivitamin . . . or at least a good B-complex. St John's Wort is a natural mood elevator, and Bach "Rescue Remedy" is a potent nerve tonic that can actually stop an anxiety attack. Get sleep, and take your vitamins, and the depression will be nullified.

If things aren't better after 1 month, burn the building down. :D
 
Dave, you're of asian descent, if I remember correctly...talk to somebody in charge about a discrimination lawsuit...make it seem like they are treating you poorly because of your ethnicity. That ought to scare them..
 
make it seem like they are treating you poorly because of your ethnicity
Click to expand...

That's an interesting possibility but even if it were true
it still leaves his future in someone else's hands.

When they told us to go to America,
they said the streets were paved with gold.

When we got to America,
we found the streets were not paved with gold.
We found the streets weren't paved at all.
In fact, they expected us to pave them!​

"The road to success can only be paved by the man who's going to walk it."
( I just made that up. )​
 
Firstly, do you have personal measurable goals at work? If not, your co-workers might be irritated at their perception of you being a slacker / they're carrying you / have to do your thinking for you.

It's easy to sue for discrimination or run away from your job, but normally if three or more people around you are being dicks, it's you who's the dick. (;)) and that's not going to change if you sue or get a new job.

Secondly, to get self-determination as an adult, you should try to do something you normally would cringe just thinking about (Skydiving, Motorcycle license etc.) Enrol in that activity, in a way that is impossible for you to quit without losing face. If you succeed, you will be able to take on anything and anybody.
 
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