How Do You All Deal With Heartache ?

I've been down that ridiculous road before myself. Trust me, one day you'll laugh about how you let yourself get stuck wasting time on her. Do not keep her around as a friend. That's a classic rookie mistake.

Some common remedies for your situation:

- Have your buddies help pick you up a bit, that's what they're there for. All that means is go have a few pints with them more often than usual. Don't keep talking about your issues though, that's a quick way to get them ducking you.

- Improve yourself. You probably feel like dirt, so not shaving, drinking when you wake up, and eating leftovers that have not seen any refrigeration for a few day isn't going to help. I personally workout and read more whenever I have something heavy on my mind. Maybe you'll decide you want to be the next Scrabble king or rock, paper, scissors champion. Whatever floats your boat.

- Do things by yourself:

Catch a flick, smoke a good cigar, have a good steak, start taking a martial art that you always wanted to try, go to the barber and get cleaned up, buy a good bottle/start a collection of (pick your poison) none of that cheap crap - life's too short, grab a decent cup of coffee and couple it with a good book, learn to cook and then learn to cook well, look for a project car that's within your budget and skill.

Wow, that's quite a list I made there and I ain't even scratched the surface. In short, enjoy the finer things in life.
 
This thread has amazed me in showing how common this scenario is. When I wen't through something similiar I thought I was the only one in the world stuck in best friend hell :eek:

Codependence is the word alright - where two low self esteems meet.

Self esteem seems like a thermostat for our circumstances to me - as soon as things get too good we make a choice so that life can take a turn towards our pre-set idea of how hard it should be.

While she enjoys the nurturing you provide her, she feels no 'chemistry' for someone so supportive and is attracted to men that won't respect her. You, on the other hand, feel love for someone who is holding you at arms length.

All the advice written so far is very sound. Deliberately work on nurturing yourself. Be creative, paint, write, have adventures - remember romance is just one of the ways to experience the abundant love and joy in this world.

But here's another twist.

I actually 'won back' somone who was doing that for me - not by dumping her and making her beg etc; but by doing the above, getting on with my life, staying in contact with her but not letting those heavy emotional scenes, where she got to cry on my shoulder and I started to whine and beg for more (and go home frustrated) happen. I made a point of checking in with her from time to time, kept things light and let her know how much fun I was having. After some time her interest in me changed and we went to the next level.

Debriefing this with her afterwards she said something interesting. She felt a little 'trapped and smothered' by the intensity of the affection she was getting from me beforehand - and was having casual affairs because they offered her more freedom to be herself. It was only after I et go of the heavy emotional trip that she found me attractive again - that love from me felt less oppresive.

Her and I have moved on now so I gues she wasn't the love of my life anyway. But my advice would be to change the rules of the game you are playing with her - work through the seperation you feel, get on with your life, put as much fun into it as you can - and let the cards fall where they may.
 
Actually, whether she likes you or not, she shouldn't treat you that way.

But sometimes people don't realize how they are hurting others.

But once you have told her what the impact is on you, she had better stop that pattern of behaviour, and no longer bother you.

You can still see her from time to time, but it is probably better not to see her at all, start looking for somebody else and never look at her as a romantic interest ever again, ever.

There is no second chance, or second place in love.

She is 100% a bad deal for you. Don't even bother about her for that angle. Even if she ever comes back, she won't be good for you.....your best chance lies with someone new........believe me.

Go out, meet people and get the new love of your life.
 
Sorry guys, but I just got out of work tonight, and I saw something that pretty much ruined me. I tried really hard guys, I cut her off, won't return her calls, and when she asks me to hang out with her, I always make something up. But tonight, was without a doubt one of the most painful nights of my life, as well as a hard learned lesson in how cold and cruel women can be.




I work at one of the local night clubs as security, and I was at the front doing my job when two couples come in, my ex among them. To make a long story short, she grabbed him and kissed him and all that right in front of me. It made me weak in my knees and nauseous. When I worked the floor later that night, they had their hands all over each other on the dance floor, and I saw them kissing. When I saw them locking lips, I felt like I got stabbed in the heart. I hate to admit this, but it's a miracle I went the entire night without breaking down and crying like a little wuss (the only reason I didn't is because I wouldn't be caught dead in tears wearing a security shirt) I don't know why she would go to the club I work at, knowing I work there, knowing when I work there, and with another guy knowing I had feelings for her. I just know it made me sad. Just when I was beginning to move on and feel like I was getting back on my feet, this happens. She was my little white rose, but I guess Brett Michaels of Poison summed it up in his song, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" I obviously mishandled her and got pierced for my troubles. Ouch. Guess that's just about it. Thanks for taking the time to read this you alls.




Andrew
 
Hey man, she did it to hurt you. It was intentional. She proved you are doing the right thing by walking away. She could have just showed up alone and talked to you if she wanted to just find out about why you are staying away from her. You filled a role of support and ego boost for her that was unconditional, then you were gone. She doesn't have her dog to come home to anymore, to nurse her ego and make her feel good. That made her mad. She did this to hurt you because you hurt her. That she was hurting you so bad for so long that you had to cut loose is lost on her. You were her pet and now you are your own man and she is not liking it. Stay strong and move on, but the hurt is going to be there for a while. You are not alone, many of us have been through similar. She might show up at your job everytime you work and do this, it is mean and petty and spiteful. It proves you should move on.
 
I swear she sounds like a carbon copy of my ex-fiance.

In which case, Bobwhite is right, she did it specifically to hurt you. She gets her kicks out of it. In a way because she hates men, and also because she wants to feel she's in control.

But you know, she didn't hurt all men, and especially not the man that hurt her. All she managed to do is hurt a good guy that would have treated her right.(you)

You should feel sorry for her! She's delusional, and I guarentee you she will never have a normal relationship with a man because she's incapable of it.

Pitty her, heal your heart and then move on.

Easier said than done, btw, as you will be finding out shortly.

Good luck!
 
Keep your chin up, Smooth Operator. Even if she tries the same stunt again and again, it WILL get easier so long as you keep the break clean. Don't give into the temptation to crawl back to her, as she will only do this to you over and over.
 
Console yourself with this knowledge, my friend. That guy you saw her hanging all over will be in the same boat one day. She's using him as she used you.

Do what everyone has said, but most importantly - get yourself in shape and stay that way. Your best revenge will be years down the road, when she sees that you're still looking great while her boobs are knocking her kneecaps and her ass needs an additional seat on airplanes.
 
Ouch, forget what I said about winning her back, she's shown her true colours there.
 
All you guys are right. Right, right, right. What we're discussing here is basically the nature of a huge cateory of women these days, and what that means for us: Men today have to be nice guys AND douchebags, strong AND sensitive, maids AND mechanics, wear the pants AND the lingerie. Our role is changing, but we are not, and, smooth operator, the mark of a man is this: Getting up. Not matter what happens to you, get up. It has to become a reflex, even if you don't know what you're getting up for, and even if there is nothing to get up for, just get up. This is just a matter of practice: When you think of her, start to wonder why, when you tear up, when it seems unfair, you have to say "No. F... this." and stand up. Just like a boxer, you can lose on points, maybe, but no one, especially yourself, should ever see you on the canvas. Don't rest, don't do things that get you thinking, work out for the endorphins, dress nice, shave, make amends to people you may have hurt, change yourself for the better. And meet some of the 3.2 billion women on this earth. 3.2 BILLION!
Remember this: Women age. The higher their stock today, the harder the great depression when their shares tumble. This one WILL come back... But not until the day she feels she's lost you. And then, my friend, you are gone. More importantly, you will be infinitely better (and smarter than you are today) Remember, just practice standing up. It works.
Sorry for the length, but I really hate this sh.. and it happens to all of us. Once.
 
Not all women are cruel.Look at me. I'll be married for 30 years in November and I can tell you I have seen more big boy toys than I have ever seen practicle use appliances come into this household...I don't nag and I'll be honest. I think I need a Gold Medal and a bottle of Rum for keeping a smooth operation myself at my house. :p :D
 
Excellent post, atomic. :thumbup:

It's funny, but that is how things work out....the one who thought that they could find better eventually regret what they threw away. Regardless if they be male or female. My ex has told me that she may regret leaving me someday....I've told her that she already does, but doesn't know it yet.

Survive, Adapt, and Overcome....I'm findiing it much easier myself to get up everyday. :cool:
 
Thanks Shadow 213. It's true, everybody comes around eventually, some come around again and again, and probably will always be available to us, when we no longer are to them. And you're right about the girl/guy thing: I have girl friends who are in the same boat as Smooth Operator. It's not about all women being evil, as you said, it's about people making mistakes and coming to realize it too late.
Life is a long, long journey, and people have ample time to regret their wrongs, while others have ample time to watch them and decide what to do, on their terms. in the end, the choice will be in Smooth Operator's hands. hopefully she won't even be a blip on his screen by then.
 
What disgusting, childish and infantile behaviour.

I agree with Bobwhite, that she was trying to hurt you.

If she really liked you, or was a decent person, she wouldn't be doing that, she would just come and talk to you and ask you why you were avoiding her, or if you told her already, she could either accept it or not.

Her behaviour confirms that she truly is what they call them and you should run for the hills.

I am sorry you were hurt like that, but this girl has just done the romantic equivalent of stab you in the gut and twist it out, repeat and repeat.

If I saw her doing that, I would just vomit on the floor in front of her, and ignore her completely from then on. Let her do what she wants, whatever she does, whether she lives or dies or screws chimps, it's irrelevant to you.

She still wants to control you, still be on top of you and have things her way. Tell her to go to hell.....she must think she is in a movie.

Maybe if you really want to, you can sit her down and explain to her why you no longer wish to see her. It's like giving her a last chance to be decent.

But not really neccessary, she sounds like she doesn't deserve it.

Believe, you are 1,000,000% better off without her. With her, you would be later effed up so many ways, you wouldn't know how to count them. Sounds a lot like my first gf.

You have made a great escape, and you should thank your lucky stars you are no longer involved with this female Osama.

Next time if you see this sort of girl, run for the hills.

And don't worry, with a character like that, for sure she will not find a happy life.......but now it's irrelevant to you, whether she lives or dies.

Yukkk, ugh, what a horrible girl.......go and get a better one, you sound like a good guy and deserve much better than this horrible witch.

I am going to ask my wife to read this thread and get her comments.
 
Atomic hit the proverbial nail squarely on the head, but I'd like to add my two cents worth. It's been my experience thus far in life that being a nice guy doesn't work - at least not at first. The vast majority of women, for whatever reason, seem to perceive those traits (understanding, supportive, affectionate, patient, unselfish, etc.) as unmanly - perhaps because they've been neglected or mistreated by every man in their life, starting with their father and going all the way down to their High School boyfriend. Yet regardless of the reason, the fact remains that it's true as Gospel. (Yes Cindy, I am aware there are exceptions such as yourself, but they're not the rule) Another characteristic of such women is that they invariably have low self-esteem, and so in some twisted sense perhaps they feel that if their love can somehow turn an uncaring bad boy into an affectionate boyfriend, it will prove their own self worth.

Within the first week or two of meeting you, women always assign you into one of three categories; 1) relationship material, 2) sexual interest, or 3) just friends. The first two are interchangeable and it's possible to shift from one to the other. If she's sleeping with you and the sex is good, she'll leave door #1 open. But if you're pigeon-holed into category three....you're phucked. She'll call you whenever she needs a shoulder to cry on or her furniture moved, but will spend her nights boffing someone else. You'll be vitally important to her as a source of moral support and comfort, but of little value in every other respect.

Smooth Operator was a nice guy and so she figured she had him wrapped around her little finger. Her surprise when he stopped jumping through her hoops was quickly replaced by childish indignation and then bitter resentment, so being immature she lashed out in the way she knew would hurt him the most - by fawning all over some other man right under his nose. It was cruelty defined, and so although he may not want to hear it perhaps she did him a favor. Better to find out her true nature now than during a bitter divorce involving children. It doesn't take much to imagine how she'd use the kids to hurt him in the same manner she did the anonymous boy toy, does it?

Pick yourself up as Atomic said. Count your blessings that you weren't more involved with her than you were. Remember - you deserve better and rest assured she will get what's coming to her someday. You won't be around her to see it when it happens, but believe me it's inevitable.
 
Yup. Unfortunately the pain fades slowly. Very slowly. And that's why you need a techique to cowboy-up. Practice, practice, practice.
Mine is becoming an actress, got a few parts in big movies, and so the chances of forgetting her are slim, but she knows one thing: she can have literally anything she wants in this world (most good-looking women can, more or less), but she can't have me.
Humans all have this chink in their armor: You can't forget that which you can't have. Sucks for her, and I know she's bugging because every few months I get a message through mutual friends. It goes like this: "He was the best thing that ever happened to me. I regret everything I did wrong. I want to call him". My friends all know what to answer her... Arrange the same, by the way, Smooth Operator.
The fact is that I'm nothing special, and I know this. My only distinguishing feature is that I'm the one she can't have...
And besides... 3.2 BILLION WOMEN! It boggles the mind...
 
Damn Smooth thats some twisted s***!!!Read Dantes Inferno.It'll tell you that the deepest level of hell is kept for those who betray others.That made me feel better.
Take a trip,A change of scenery will do wonders to clear your head and help you put things into perspective.
Don't call her!!!!Post here when the urge to call arises.We'll put you thorugh a lot less crap here.
Chin up and press on
Matt
 
The prettiest and most sexy girl in the world is of no use at all to you if she is going to eff you up later. All the bonking in the world is not worth it if she effs up your heart later.

No matter how pretty and sexy she is, just ten or twenty sessions in bed and the newness wears off and what is important is whether she will be a loyal and supportive partner and not cause you all sorts of problems.

It's sad that this girl is taking advantage of SO's liking for her, to make use of him, without caring what effect it has on him.

Once SO has explained the situation to her, if she is decent, she should just accept it and not disturb him anymore.

But it doesn't look like she is the decent type.

SO should wash her right out of his life, and resolve never to bother about her again. But this girl will try to get back at him, and use him again.......everybody loves having a slave.

This is not the end of her nonsense, you can be sure of that. I just hope SO is strong enough to ignore her, and after a while, she will get tired and give up trying to disturb him.
 
F-ck her sister/best friend/mother....preferably all at the same time. Video or better yet webcast it to all of your "mutual friends". :) As a friend of mine used to say "You were lookin when you found that piece weren't you?"

F-I-D-O (F-ck it and drive on!)
 
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