If only Busse made relationship advice as well as the best knives in the world..

S

Snakeplissken83

Joined
Mar 26, 2014
Messages
169
Hey guys,

Since I've gotten so much help from my Busse - buddies on this forum I thought I'd try my luck with a non knife problem!

Basically, it's woman trouble.

I met this girl about 7 months ago, shes 43 (11 years older than me) and absolutely stunning. She also has two amazing kids who I have completely fallen in love with and have basically become like a father to (I'm 31 and have no kids of my own).

After meeting her at work, we quickly became close friends but then I developed deeper feelings. I told her about them, and she was shocked, so I stepped back to let things cool down (she was with someone after all). But then I realised that I did want her, so I declared my intentions and, thank god, she responded. She was with a complete idiot who treated her like shit, (in fact she's had a rough life relationship wise, nearly all her previous boyfriends and ex-husband have been abusive scumbags). She dumped him in mid December, and by Christmas we were going out.

I have deeper and more intense feelings for this girl than any other woman I've ever been with. In fact that's the problem, my feelings are so intense that I just can't deal with it. I used to be fairly jealous and insecure in my teens, but then I grew up, realised that relationships are based on trust and all through my 20's jealousy was never an issue in my relationships. However, with this woman I am hugely jealous and insecure, and it has led me to do insane and frankly horrible things, like checking her phone and her facebook, and being suspicious of literally everything she does or says.

I cannot explain these feelings or behavior, and it is ruining what should be a beautiful relationship with a girl who I am convinced is the love of my life. As far as I'm concerned the sun rises and sets in that woman's eyes. She is my everything, but I just can't bring myself to trust her and I don't know why.

Any advice would be much appreciated guys. Thank you.
 
Only speaking from experience man......RUN.....and run fast and dont look back. If you can't trust her then there is an underlying reason for that. RUN RUN.
 
You start of the relationship with her leaving a guy for you... Seems normal to worry that will repeat. But who knows ...in it for a penny in it for a pound. Why not cool off and worry about that when and if it ever becomes an issue, right now it not. Take the jealousy and fear and flush it, it will make you sick inside. Let shit play out and who knows it may surprise you and turn out for the best, no matter what happens.
 
You're the younger one in the relationship.
You're a guy, the clock not ticking for you as fast as it is for her.
You don't have kids, she does.
I'd say you need to take it easy, communicate with her, show her how much she means to you.

If it's worth keeping, it's worth the work it takes to keep. Don't be your own enemy.
 
If you ever have any inclination her kids are playing you two against each other, you have to run away as fast as you can and never look back. It will only get worse when they figure out it works, and there will be nothing you can do to stop it, if she won't. Most women won't. It happened to me several times a day, every day. Happened to my best friend too. It happened to him before me, and he advised me before I got married, "When I found out she had kids, my first thought would have been to run." That may have been a little strong, but it's not far off, and it would have been ever so much better if I'd taken his advice. Children who are not mutual can drive a wedge between the two of you that is as final and irreparable as a piece of wood split with steel.
 
As they say... "Ride The Wave" Enjoy the time you have with her. There is no point in worrying about something you have no control over and hasn't happen yet.
One thing I'm pretty sure of, women do not respond well to jealous or possessive behavior. Reacting to your worst fear of losing her may be the one thing that drives her away.
 
Well I am divorced so you should definitely take relationship advice from me!! A woman should bring out the best in you, make you want to be a better person. You say yourself "with this woman I am hugely jealous and insecure, and it has led me to do insane and frankly horrible things". Is that the sort of man you want to be? If not, time to get out.
 
elof_alv said:
You're the younger one in the relationship.
You're a guy, the clock not ticking for you as fast as it is for her.
You don't have kids, she does.
I'd say you need to take it easy, communicate with her, show her how much she means to you.

If it's worth keeping, it's worth the work it takes to keep. Don't be your own enemy.
Click to expand...

So you think maybe she's more insecure than me, given her circumstances? Could be, mate.
 
ohiojerry said:
Well I am divorced so you should definitely take relationship advice from me!! A woman should bring out the best in you, make you want to be a better person. You say yourself "with this woman I am hugely jealous and insecure, and it has led me to do insane and frankly horrible things". Is that the sort of man you want to be? If not, time to get out.
Click to expand...

Very much so. I'm giving myself a month to reign it in, and if I can't I'm outta there...I would only end up making her miserable anyway.
 
I've usually been the friend to give advice. But really, here, I'm just some dude on the internet.

But I have red flag concerns about the situation you describe.

if she is marying, and dating scumbags, be careful. If some one would rather be with another person who treats them poorly than be alone, I have questions.

First off, stop being jealous. you might not be able to, but just stop. Checking the phone, keeping tabs? It's beneath you!

Don't be that guy.

Take it slow.

I really enjoy being married. It's been the best 15 years. It was not an accident. I did not just marry my wife because she was hot (she is ), or because she was nice, or smart (she is all of those things).

We got along. look for things that bother you. They will only get more pronounced over time.

People tend to gloss over the bad, thinking it will be different after marriage, or committing. It wont. Kids, work, stress, money, all add to the pot.

You like this lady? Give it a shot. But guard your self.

I work for a living with people who don't get along with their significant others. I am a criminal defense attorney. Bad relationships can be a life altering thing. I mean that in the most serious way possible.


Take it slow.
 
Chicks from abusive relationships tend to form the need for DRAMA in their lives.

RUN RUN RUN
 
Lots of red flags. If she has gravitated towards jerks and now for some reason you are having jealousy issues, maybe she's doing something to encourage that. Men have a problem with needing to rescue a damsel in distress. Sometimes these damsels create their own distress. Maybe not intentionally but through bad decisions. You need to find someone that cares enough about themself to not need rescuing. Victims will always be victims and you will turn into the bad guy when she moves on to someone else.
 
Bigfattyt said:
I've usually been the friend to give advice. But really, here, I'm just some dude on the internet.

But I have red flag concerns about the situation you describe.

if she is marying, and dating scumbags, be careful. If some one would rather be with another person who treats them poorly than be alone, I have questions.

First off, stop being jealous. you might not be able to, but just stop. Checking the phone, keeping tabs? It's beneath you!

Don't be that guy.

Take it slow.

I really enjoy being married. It's been the best 15 years. It was not an accident. I did not just marry my wife because she was hot (she is ), or because she was nice, or smart (she is all of those things).

We got along. look for things that bother you. They will only get more pronounced over time.

People tend to gloss over the bad, thinking it will be different after marriage, or committing. It wont. Kids, work, stress, money, all add to the pot.

You like this lady? Give it a shot. But guard your self.

I work for a living with people who don't get along with their significant others. I am a criminal defense attorney. Bad relationships can be a life altering thing. I mean that in the most serious way possible.


Take it slow.
Click to expand...


Sage advice respectfully taken. I notice you don't simply say 'bail out now', and that's probably because you know I wouldn't. But as for it being beneath me? Damn right. A year ago I would have been appalled at myself. But this chicken has driven me crazy.

I just thought I could be the one, you know? A white knight to rescue the damsel in distress from her shitty life. I hope that doesn't turn out to be an adolescent fantasy.
 
Blade Runner 7 said:
Lots of red flags. If she has gravitated towards jerks and now for some reason you are having jealousy issues, maybe she's doing something to encourage that. Men have a problem with needing to rescue a damsel in distress. Sometimes these damsels create their own distress. Maybe not intentionally but through bad decisions. You need to find someone that cares enough about themself to not need rescuing. Victims will always be victims and you will turn into the bad guy when she moves on to someone else.
Click to expand...

You are so right. I either need to bail or break that maladaptive relationship pattern in her life. I guess I'll try and break it, and if I fail ( and there's a good chance I will) then I guess I'll have no choice but to get out.

Damn.
 
Snake.... We (several of us here ) would need to sit down, with a few beers, and have a LONG talk with you.
I love this forum.... I hate the distances.....
 
Run as fast as you can. My divorce was finalized on 3/23/2015 and I dealt with the same trust issues you are seeing for 5 out of the 8 years I was with her. Trust me the stress and everything else that comes with it is not worth it. Once the trust in your relationship has been broken there is no way to fix it. It can be mended but mended things always break again.
 
Unless you're sure you can start acting in a manner consistent with the kind of person you like to think of yourself as (i.e., not violating the privacy of a significant other without any reason to do so), pull the plug without any further hesitation. Maybe it's you, maybe it's her, maybe it's just two people who don't work together...but if you're unable to get on track, walk away for both your sakes, before the consequences of you doing (based on what you've said) a pretty poor job of being a boyfriend come home to roost.

Sometimes it's not what you feel, what she feels, or what's right. Sometimes it's just what doesn't work that winds up being the controlling factor, no matter how much both people may hate it.
 
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