If only Busse made relationship advice as well as the best knives in the world..

I'm not trying to make light of your situation but I doubt many of us are in a situation to give Doctor Phil type relationship advice so here is my shot at it.............Dude, just keep knockin the bottom out of it until something happens that truly gives you concern. Bottom line.

Hope that doesnt offend you and good luck-
 
I think that you can have a pretty good idea of what most are thinking..... Step out of this relationship. From what you've descirbed, there is nothing healthy about this.

You both (you & her.....separately ) need to work on yourselves and figure out why you do what you do. She seems to have, or had, a pattern of sticking to guys for all kinds of wrong reasons. Takes a lot of work to break that kind of pattern.

Easier for us all to see this.... Harder when you're the one involved.
I'm going to stop this now. It's too hard discussing this with limited information and without face to face contact. Personally I'd consult a good family therapist, to bounce a few ideas off of him/her. Therapists have heard a WIDE variety of relationship stories and can guide you in your decision process. Just a thought.
 
I'm a busy guy so I tend to be pretty direct and logical at the expense of sugar coating things. A man who would prefer to be known as being honorable, rather than being known as a politician, should not afford himself the luxury of being politically correct or any other form of dishonest, including sneaking around. If you ask for honest advice on a public forum, you should expect to receive it, so at 31 (or any age over 18 for that matter) you should be acting like a man, not a petulant child. Let me break that down clearly in case that may not read as helpful as it is intended to be to the OP and any other boy/man that reads it.

If your trust issues with her somehow make you believe you may interfere with her right to privacy by committing a trespass on her property (gadgets she owns, rights, freedom, beliefs, etc.) without her consent, she may very well be able to claim you do wrong to her, thus perpetuating the very pattern you wish to break of her being with guys who do not treat her right. Emotions rarely make sense and even less often keep a man/woman/child from getting themselves into trouble. On the other hand, common sense and logic usually serve to prevent one from harming them self while wearing the big boy pants. Dating can and often does lead to marriage, for better or worse, so that should always be part of the process of elimination: Boy chases/chooses/settles for a girl/project for what she can offer him right now. Man chooses a woman for what she can offer him for the rest of their lives. So if you can't picture yourself ever breeding with her or being happy around her when she is old, wrinkly, gray, viagra doesn't work for you anymore and either or both of you are in diapers, that's a clue, because her heart, mind and personality may be all you will have left if you are one of the lucky ones.

It may help you to come to terms with the reality that you can not break her patterns/habits for her any more than you could cure an alcoholic or drug addict who does not wish to be cured. Her behavior patterns must be changed by her own choice, if and/or when she is ready. All you can do is tell her what you think and ask her to consider choosing a different path. You can also choose to change your your behavior patterns, which based on your own self-incriminations :eek: in this thread I would highly suggest considering. ;) Like every other man who is neither slave nor servant, you are free to do as you wish, but always expect to be held liable for your actions if they cause harm, injury, loss or any other form of trespass to another member of mankind. That is not legal advice as I am not a member of the legal society, I am just a man explaining the simplest of man's common sense laws, the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I like to follow that up with a good quote: "Freedom is the right to be wrong, not to do wrong."

If you just want to be a boyfriend having fun, be aware that she has feelings too and will suffer whatever pain your relationship creates just like you. If you want to be a man, don't waste her time or lead her on if you know marriage is not on the table. Remember, there are billions of women on this planet, finding one that makes you feel better about yourself to the point that you wish to be a better man for her out of love/concern for her and your happiness, rather than settling for a fixer-upper that has no intention of being fixed might just lead you to peaceful happiness. It did for me after learning these lessons the hard way. Good luck! :thumbup:
 
Guys, thank you so much for all your feedback and advice. It is all being churned over in my head. I will of course let you know what I decide and how it all goes. Thanks!
 
Good luck. I hope that you make the right choice for yourself. Remember what happened to me.
 
I'm not sure how much of what I've said won't have already been said, but I have a few points. Just so you know where I'm coming from, I'm someone who is married and has been in a successful relationship for a long time. So I'm just going to be as frank as possible and kind of lay it all out here, with no insult or offense intended to anyone:

There are a few red flags going off here.

First and foremost you ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT SPY ON HER, CHECK HER FACEBOOK, CHECK HER PHONE, OR INVADE HER PRIVACY. It doesn't matter if she is doing something to make you think she is cheating, or if it is just your paranoia, you have to either trust her or leave. You're in a toxic relationship if you're not trusting each other, but instead spying on each other. You'll drive her away by trying to control her, or at least you should and if she is drawn to an abusive relationship like that you're about to open a whole new can of worms. That aside either she is faithful and everything will be okay if you don't snoop, or she is cheating and it'll come out eventually and you're screwed anyway. Nothing can be gained by snooping.

Don't rush into commitment. A lot of people, for some reason, rush to commit ESPECIALLY when they're feeling insecure. Do not do this. If you two really are the loves of each other's lives, taking it slow won't hurt anything. Don't mix your finances, don't move in together, and for god sake don't get married. You'll have the rest of your lives to do that. In the meantime enjoy the sleepovers at each other's places, enjoy being able to surprise each other because you can't see the other's credit card bills, and don't get married because weddings put a huge strain on relationships and being married has never EVER stopped someone from being unfaithful.

Your comments about her previous relationships are troubling. Even more troubling is that you're now playing into her dating pattern, and being a controlling mistrusting bad boyfriend by checking up on her in ways you shouldn't. The best thing you can possibly do for her is break the cycle, her cycle, of dating sleazy guys. Or let me put it another way: if she does leave you, or something does come between you two, be the guy that she will always remember as the one guy who always treated her right. Look at your actions from a distance. There are plenty of things that can and will break up relationships, many of them not infidelity related, so while living in the moment also try to think about how things will be viewed through the lens of time.

All in all, while some here are taking this from a pessimistic perspective, I see reason for optimism here. You've identified key flaws in yourself and your relationship. No relationship is perfect. Because you've spotted them though, you can now work on them and improve yourself. It will be hard, relationships always are. There will be times you think you won't make it, but if you make it through they'll feel silly in hindsight. If you feel she is ready for this conversation, sit her down some time when you're both fed, relaxed, and have no interruptions and talk with her about it. For what its worth, identify your personal flaws as the lead-in. Ask her to help you work on them. If you are in a healthy relationship, she'll work with you and nurture you and help you build on that. If things aren't so good you'll probably have an epic fight but at least you'll know where things stand.

Just my 2c.
 
Wow. The support and encouragement has been amazing here guys. Thank you so much...and I know you're being honest because you have called me out about being a dick. You busse-hogs are amazing!

I think I have already made my decision, based on your excellent advice. And it is simple:

I can't give up on her.

IF I can reign in the jealous bullshit and stop being a dick, then I could be the guy to finally drag her up out of the shit. She deserves it so much, and do you know what? I don't even care anymore if she has cheated on me. People who have been hurt tend to hurt other people. If she's hurt me, so be it. That hurt has to stop somewhere, the cycle must be broken. I just have to be a man and take it. She is worth that much to me.

Wish me luck guys. You never know, I may post a pic sometime soon of her holding my new TGLB that's on the way so you can see how freakin' beautiful she is. God, I love that woman.

Thanks again, brothers.
 
Remember this old expression 'cos it is as just as true now as it was then:

For the best revenge on the man that takes your woman, let him keep her.

Once you can live that you can relax.
 
"I just thought I could be the one, you know? A white knight to rescue the damsel in distress from her shitty life. I hope that doesn't turn out to be an adolescent fantasy."

Ah, sounds a lot like the "good guy" syndrome. "I will rescue her and treat her so much better than others have treated her that she will be so grateful and hereon have eyes only for me."

I have been there once. I have seen others go through it. It never works. And she is always smoking hot. Two others and I went through it with the same druggie.

Maybe I am totally off base and this is not even an issue with you. My advice: Don't do anything permanent or expensive in the heat of passion.
 
Dude.......She is halfway through her life cycle....Unless you're a Rock Star or Donald Trump she already has all the equipment she needs to get whatever she wants she would only need you for making more children.
 
As someone who "has been there, done that" - I'm on my third marriage, I think the advice of both AZTimT in post #23 and hunterseeker 5 in post #28 is spot on! I was in two failed marriages and a couple of other fairly long term relationships over the years that failed. Took me a while to learn, but I think I finally got it right as this time I've been happily married for nearly 33 years! Good luck on whatever you decide to do! Above all, don't be a jealous dickhead, don't be controlling, and don't snoop or violate her privacy. And that should work BOTH ways for a relationship to work. :thumbup:
 
There's a fine line between love and lust. Most new relationships start with an infatuation stage then settle down after a bit. If you figure it out properly it will save you a whole bunch of time and money.
Keep in mind this is coming from a guy who gave away half his stuff twice so even though I'm a little slow, I do learn!

Bob
 
I dunno that you shouldn't care if she cheated on you...that's not OK under any circumstance. Being a man doesnt mean putting up with cheating. I think the point is to be cautious and protect yourself. Don't move too fast but move with confidence in yourself and don't go looking for trouble by violating her privacy when trouble hasn't presented itself to you.
 
Dr. Lecter said:
Been there, done that, essentially wasted a decade and a half of my life because I couldn't help but feel that exact way about the wrong woman. Best of luck man, but it sounds like you're screwed.
Click to expand...

If I'm screwed then I'm screwed. I'm starting to wonder if there isn't more to life than finding the 'right' woman. I'm throwing my lot in with this one, period. I've had my heart broken before. You don't die.
 
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