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I'm getting married....any advice from the Beckerheads?
- Thread starter BigBert
- Start date
Married 28 yrs here.
We make money. We spend money. About knife addiction; just remind her that you could have a mistress instead, then knife addiction seems so much less serious.
Guns & knives for me. Shoes & purses for her. It's weird but it works for us. Only difference: mine will be worth more in times of crisis !!!
I use that same reasoning with her now- I tell her that most guys are creeping around on the internet and having affairs..I'm creeping on Amazon and hiding $50 knife purchases.
Priceless info right there! I am the quintessential "problem solver" and it drives her nuts. That is something I will definitely have to remedy in myself. Thanks for the tips!
- Joined
- Jan 24, 2011
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- 38
Women marry men hoping they'll change, men marry women hoping they won't.
Take it one day at a time.
Mean it when you say you're sorry.
Listen more, talk less.
Best of luck, it ain't easy, but anything worth having usually isn't.
Take it one day at a time.
Mean it when you say you're sorry.
Listen more, talk less.
Best of luck, it ain't easy, but anything worth having usually isn't.
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- Jan 15, 2012
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- 4,608
All jokes aside. That is great advice.
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- Dec 20, 2012
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Don't
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- Apr 24, 2011
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Dont compliment her all the time. If you do, then the one time that you dont do it, she will think its a disaster and wonder what the hell is wrong.
Compliment her when its romantic, or when you can see that she needs the encouragement. It makes it much more special, and it keeps it from being expected, or written off as something you do because you think your supposed to.
Never tell her that she looks like shes lost, or is losing weight. You might think its a compliment, but she wont.
Now if she asks you, "Honey, Does it look like I have lost any weight?" Thats a different story. You look at her thoughtfully for a moment or two and say,
"Well I thought you looked great to begin with, but yeah, it looks like your clothes are a little looser on you now."
Always remember its ok to fight. If you two care enough about yourselves and each other to argue then things are still ok...lol Once your both like "Screw it, its not worth arguing with you about this," it pretty much means that your not interested in putting the work in to straighten out something thats wrong anymore. At least in my experience, your mileage may vary.
If you have kids, some times an argument may happen in front of the kids. Always make sure to let your kids know that mommy and daddy love each other, and that they are just having a disagreement, and that you both love your kids still and that they arent to blame for the argument. Also dont bash each other up to, or in front of your kids.
Compliment her when its romantic, or when you can see that she needs the encouragement. It makes it much more special, and it keeps it from being expected, or written off as something you do because you think your supposed to.
Never tell her that she looks like shes lost, or is losing weight. You might think its a compliment, but she wont.
Now if she asks you, "Honey, Does it look like I have lost any weight?" Thats a different story. You look at her thoughtfully for a moment or two and say,
"Well I thought you looked great to begin with, but yeah, it looks like your clothes are a little looser on you now."
Always remember its ok to fight. If you two care enough about yourselves and each other to argue then things are still ok...lol Once your both like "Screw it, its not worth arguing with you about this," it pretty much means that your not interested in putting the work in to straighten out something thats wrong anymore. At least in my experience, your mileage may vary.
If you have kids, some times an argument may happen in front of the kids. Always make sure to let your kids know that mommy and daddy love each other, and that they are just having a disagreement, and that you both love your kids still and that they arent to blame for the argument. Also dont bash each other up to, or in front of your kids.
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- Nov 20, 2005
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- 19,385
Where's dinner? Let's get to the important stuff right off!
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- Jan 1, 2013
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- 919
Be calm and reasonable at all times.
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- Joined
- Dec 18, 2012
- Messages
- 399
Congrats, dude!
My father also died when I was young (11). Look at it this way, I've met more guys that are trapped in their lives by the example their father set for them. We, on the other hand, got to choose who to look up to and emulate.
To throw in my two cents, these are the things I have found to be most important in any relationship with a woman if she is going to feel valued and loved.
Always bring her along. Don't ever treat her like a babysitter and leave her at home if she wants to go. She wants to go too. If you take her duck hunting once and she decides she doesn't like it, you are free to go as you please with friends. If she does like it, you get to go with your best friend and get to bump uglies in the blind. Much better than going with guy friends. :thumbup:
Have date nights every week even if you have to pay for sitters.
Nail her every day, three weeks a month. You'll be closer and have an awesome relationship. Besides, then you get laid every day. Can't lose there.
Every time you spend a dime on something you want, make sure she gets a dime to spend as well. It's not about who makes more but what the two of you do with your money.
Tell her you love her every day.
If you aren't good in bed, learn to be. Get some books on it if you need too. I've never found anything wrong with spending $15 on a book that is going to teach me one tiny trick that my wife might love. It's money well spent.
Never lie to her but understand the difference between making a big deal out of things that don't matter.
If you get pissed over something, take some time to think about it before you bring it up. I have found that most of the time, it's not worth it and she didn't mean it the way you took it anyways.
Tell her she is hot all of the time and the things you love about her body.
If you do all of these things and she's unhappy, bail and go find someone else. You can waste every day of your life with someone that doesn't want to be happy but it's always better, even with kids, to bail and start over. Kids aren't stupid and they'll just grow up and copy you, living unhappy. Better to take your chances at modelling a good relationship for them.
I hope something in there helps you out.
My father also died when I was young (11). Look at it this way, I've met more guys that are trapped in their lives by the example their father set for them. We, on the other hand, got to choose who to look up to and emulate.
To throw in my two cents, these are the things I have found to be most important in any relationship with a woman if she is going to feel valued and loved.
Always bring her along. Don't ever treat her like a babysitter and leave her at home if she wants to go. She wants to go too. If you take her duck hunting once and she decides she doesn't like it, you are free to go as you please with friends. If she does like it, you get to go with your best friend and get to bump uglies in the blind. Much better than going with guy friends. :thumbup:
Have date nights every week even if you have to pay for sitters.
Nail her every day, three weeks a month. You'll be closer and have an awesome relationship. Besides, then you get laid every day. Can't lose there.
Every time you spend a dime on something you want, make sure she gets a dime to spend as well. It's not about who makes more but what the two of you do with your money.
Tell her you love her every day.
If you aren't good in bed, learn to be. Get some books on it if you need too. I've never found anything wrong with spending $15 on a book that is going to teach me one tiny trick that my wife might love. It's money well spent.
Never lie to her but understand the difference between making a big deal out of things that don't matter.
If you get pissed over something, take some time to think about it before you bring it up. I have found that most of the time, it's not worth it and she didn't mean it the way you took it anyways.
Tell her she is hot all of the time and the things you love about her body.
If you do all of these things and she's unhappy, bail and go find someone else. You can waste every day of your life with someone that doesn't want to be happy but it's always better, even with kids, to bail and start over. Kids aren't stupid and they'll just grow up and copy you, living unhappy. Better to take your chances at modelling a good relationship for them.
I hope something in there helps you out.
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- Jan 24, 2012
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- 1,949
My wife is my best friend and I couldn't imagine my life without her. Here is some things I have come to understand during my 5 year marriage.
Learn and use this saying "Yes dear."
She is always right.
Treat her with respect.
I am not sure if this is just my wife and I or if other people are this way to, but when we are in public she always backs me up even if I say something stupid like grass is purple. Now that being said when its just the two of us she will tell me that I am dumb. I think its important though to always back each other up.
Learn and use this saying "Yes dear."
She is always right.
Treat her with respect.
I am not sure if this is just my wife and I or if other people are this way to, but when we are in public she always backs me up even if I say something stupid like grass is purple. Now that being said when its just the two of us she will tell me that I am dumb. I think its important though to always back each other up.
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- Nov 16, 2013
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- 1,659
Married 28 yrs here.
Lots-o-love making.
Do NOT lie. About anything.
Lots-o-love making.
Do not go to sleep angry.
Lots-o-love making.
We make money. We spend money. About knife addiction; just remind her that you could have a mistress instead, then knife addiction seems so much less serious.
Guns & knives for me. Shoes & purses for her. It's weird but it works for us. Only difference: mine will be worth more in times of crisis !!!
I second this advice, although hers could be diamonds rather than shoes and purses...
Also this. It's a little corny and maybe trite, but there was a book called "Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti." There is some truth to this. Men compartmentalize things like the small squares in a waffle. Men also like square/rectangular things when dealing with stress: sports fields, TVs, computer screens, the "bed". Women are tangled up like spaghetti and need time to work through issues. DON'T try to solve things or make the untangling go faster. That will only make it worse.
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2013
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- 4,162
My first bk (BK9) is in the mail. So I guess I'm a becker head?
Be clear on why you want to marry.
What do you want to get out of it and what does your girl aim for?
Do the goals match or at least don't conflict each other?
Love alone isn't enough in the long term. Having common goals last longer.
She wants kids, he doesn't? She'll just spend years trying to change his mind. Once love wears off it will be just perceived as nagging. If however both want kids to begin with (or both don't) then there is no issue.
He wants money and career but she wants him to be home on the weekend? and so on...
Don't make compromises and pretend everything is fine just for love because once love becomes less frequent you might regret it. So its important to be very honest and see where there might be conflicts in the future and if they could be resolved. If not, then there's no point of getting married.
Kids are a game changer and a true test for any relationship. Babies are a lot of work and mean less time for the two of you. They also show you and your partner's personality under stress. Stress like chronic lack of sleep paired with less attention from your spouse can make you overreact to things which wouldn't have bugged you otherwise. Have seen this in the military as well. We were as normal guys as you can think of but once hungry and tired some personalities changed into ugly a lot and fast. I think the civilized part of the brain loses control and gives way to more primal, primate like behavior. Anyways a good idea to test you partner how fast she will lose it when stressed, because stress will be there at some point for sure. Why not go on a hike with a small tent where none of you can escape to the mall with the girls or game night with the boys. Walk up some steep hills and have too little food and water. See what happens and learn.
Once you survive kids you will outlast anything short of a Zombie apocalypse. For that you will need your Becker
Be clear on why you want to marry.
What do you want to get out of it and what does your girl aim for?
Do the goals match or at least don't conflict each other?
Love alone isn't enough in the long term. Having common goals last longer.
She wants kids, he doesn't? She'll just spend years trying to change his mind. Once love wears off it will be just perceived as nagging. If however both want kids to begin with (or both don't) then there is no issue.
He wants money and career but she wants him to be home on the weekend? and so on...
Don't make compromises and pretend everything is fine just for love because once love becomes less frequent you might regret it. So its important to be very honest and see where there might be conflicts in the future and if they could be resolved. If not, then there's no point of getting married.
Kids are a game changer and a true test for any relationship. Babies are a lot of work and mean less time for the two of you. They also show you and your partner's personality under stress. Stress like chronic lack of sleep paired with less attention from your spouse can make you overreact to things which wouldn't have bugged you otherwise. Have seen this in the military as well. We were as normal guys as you can think of but once hungry and tired some personalities changed into ugly a lot and fast. I think the civilized part of the brain loses control and gives way to more primal, primate like behavior. Anyways a good idea to test you partner how fast she will lose it when stressed, because stress will be there at some point for sure. Why not go on a hike with a small tent where none of you can escape to the mall with the girls or game night with the boys. Walk up some steep hills and have too little food and water. See what happens and learn.
Once you survive kids you will outlast anything short of a Zombie apocalypse. For that you will need your Becker
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- Dec 6, 2012
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- 5,521
Start drinking and smoking heavily now! Its till death due you part.....You"ll want to get it over as quickily as possible!
Love it!
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- Aug 14, 2011
- Messages
- 708
I may have only been married for 7 years, but I have a few guidelines that I find help out lots.
Marriage is a relationship, I think relationships are best represented by venn diagrams-- the part where the circles overlap is the marriage. That is to say that you each have time and tasks apart (individual circles), and a shared time and workflow (the overlap). Make the shared time about the BOTH of you. Do things you both enjoy/need and take advantage of the apart time to do the things that each other aren't particularly interested in... Growing individually grows the marriage, and reminds you to enjoy your time together.
To this end, when you get a hobby purchase (read BK-16) make sure she gets something for one of her interests before you get a new knife [play the long game here, trust me].
If you do your best to support her interests, then she'll likely reciprocate. --My wife loves to camp/day hike and my knife thing is thankfully viewed (rightfully) as an extension of the outdoor hobbies that I have.
Times will get hard. Be each other's strength.
congrats and remember to savor the trip by taking a trip together. -- bring your Beckers!
Marriage is a relationship, I think relationships are best represented by venn diagrams-- the part where the circles overlap is the marriage. That is to say that you each have time and tasks apart (individual circles), and a shared time and workflow (the overlap). Make the shared time about the BOTH of you. Do things you both enjoy/need and take advantage of the apart time to do the things that each other aren't particularly interested in... Growing individually grows the marriage, and reminds you to enjoy your time together.
To this end, when you get a hobby purchase (read BK-16
) make sure she gets something for one of her interests before you get a new knife [play the long game here, trust me]. If you do your best to support her interests, then she'll likely reciprocate. --My wife loves to camp/day hike and my knife thing is thankfully viewed (rightfully) as an extension of the outdoor hobbies that I have.
Times will get hard. Be each other's strength.
congrats and remember to savor the trip by taking a trip together. -- bring your Beckers!
- Joined
- Dec 20, 2012
- Messages
- 2,734
I may have only been married for 7 years, but I have a few guidelines that I find help out lots.
Marriage is a relationship, I think relationships are best represented by venn diagrams-- the part where the circles overlap is the marriage. That is to say that you each have time and tasks apart (individual circles), and a shared time and workflow (the overlap). Make the shared time about the BOTH of you. Do things you both enjoy/need and take advantage of the apart time to do the things that each other aren't particularly interested in... Growing individually grows the marriage, and reminds you to enjoy your time together.
To this end, when you get a hobby purchase (read BK-16
If you do your best to support her interests, then she'll likely reciprocate. --My wife loves to camp/day hike and my knife thing is thankfully viewed (rightfully) as an extension of the outdoor hobbies that I have.
Times will get hard. Be each other's strength.
congrats and remember to savor the trip by taking a trip together. -- bring your Beckers!
Try getting a Venn diagram withy little lady
Things I've learned:
* Making love begins in the kitchen...with you doing the dishes. That's right, you need to be a helper to her if you want her to be a helper to you.
* You have to learn to fight back to back against the things that will come against you instead of head to head. She isn't your enemy. The situation is.
* Never lie.
* Don't go around talking about how "hot" other women are. That's a good way to kill her esteem.
* Don't stop having "dates". Sounds easy, but it will get harder the more responsibilities you get.
* Grow up...some. She isn't your MOM. She's your life-PARTNER. So, pick up your own underwear.
* Make an Outlook reminder (or whatever you use) for every birthday in her family...and don't forget your Anniversary. There's no excuse any more.
* Do mushy stuff. Ladies have a greater need to be emotionally stimulated. Do what you did to win her in order to keep her.
* Study her. Make it your goal to get a PhD in what she likes, hates, wants, does...
* Don't talk bad about her to your side of the family. You think you're venting, but they don't have the benefit of you coming back with how wonderful she is. After a few years of only hearing how bad she is to their little son, they'll resent her. Instead, emphasize her good traits. "Leave and cleave."
* Put up pictures of the two of you all over. Ladies like security: relationship security begins with her knowing she's your only girl forever.
* Make some nice investments, start a 401k, etc. Ladies like security: knowing the $$ will be okay helps her relax.
* Don't dump your work garbage on her lap when you come home. She's not a garbage can. Instead, be her refreshment.
* Honor her. In every way you can think of. Spoil her every chance you can. Opening doors is just the beginning.
* Build on a strong Foundation. The Bible says that a threefold cord is not quickly broken, and by that is meant a man, woman, and the Lord. In 16 years, we've only had a handful of arguments because of this one tip. I truly believe that a marriage isn't complete without the Lord. He is the "tie that binds" because He demonstrates real love and reveals where selfishness has crept into the relationship.
* Solomon in Song of Solomon said to his beloved "Catch us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards." That means that you both have to agree to address stuff before it becomes ruinous. Molehills DO become mountains when they don't get aired out early.
blah, blah, blah. Well, I'm getting preachy, so you're on your own now.
* Making love begins in the kitchen...with you doing the dishes. That's right, you need to be a helper to her if you want her to be a helper to you.
* You have to learn to fight back to back against the things that will come against you instead of head to head. She isn't your enemy. The situation is.
* Never lie.
* Don't go around talking about how "hot" other women are. That's a good way to kill her esteem.
* Don't stop having "dates". Sounds easy, but it will get harder the more responsibilities you get.
* Grow up...some. She isn't your MOM. She's your life-PARTNER. So, pick up your own underwear.
* Make an Outlook reminder (or whatever you use) for every birthday in her family...and don't forget your Anniversary. There's no excuse any more.
* Do mushy stuff. Ladies have a greater need to be emotionally stimulated. Do what you did to win her in order to keep her.
* Study her. Make it your goal to get a PhD in what she likes, hates, wants, does...
* Don't talk bad about her to your side of the family. You think you're venting, but they don't have the benefit of you coming back with how wonderful she is. After a few years of only hearing how bad she is to their little son, they'll resent her. Instead, emphasize her good traits. "Leave and cleave."
* Put up pictures of the two of you all over. Ladies like security: relationship security begins with her knowing she's your only girl forever.
* Make some nice investments, start a 401k, etc. Ladies like security: knowing the $$ will be okay helps her relax.
* Don't dump your work garbage on her lap when you come home. She's not a garbage can. Instead, be her refreshment.
* Honor her. In every way you can think of. Spoil her every chance you can. Opening doors is just the beginning.
* Build on a strong Foundation. The Bible says that a threefold cord is not quickly broken, and by that is meant a man, woman, and the Lord. In 16 years, we've only had a handful of arguments because of this one tip. I truly believe that a marriage isn't complete without the Lord. He is the "tie that binds" because He demonstrates real love and reveals where selfishness has crept into the relationship.
* Solomon in Song of Solomon said to his beloved "Catch us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards." That means that you both have to agree to address stuff before it becomes ruinous. Molehills DO become mountains when they don't get aired out early.
blah, blah, blah.
Well, I'm getting preachy, so you're on your own now.
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