Jokes !!(Warning may contain offensive & explicit language)!!

mjbine said:
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.
But what the heck, he says to himself "I can really use a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the
name of your pecker?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you
tell me the name of your pecker. Mine for instance is called Nike, for
the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his
Snickers, because it really satisfies.' The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a
second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left,
who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy
asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and
keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen
to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is
Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'" and
gives a wink. Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my pecker is 'SECRET.'
Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asked "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE
FOR A WOMAN!!
Click to expand...

Heh heh "that there was funny, I don't care who ya are "


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS:

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest...
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser stun gun.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

Loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy,bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ' no
possible way! '

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, ' Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
and now regularly threatens me with it!



--
 
Warrior108 said:
Peter,

I'll remember to not ever cross your wife as well! ;-)
Click to expand...

Jerry:

No worries with my wife, she's a lover, not a fighter. However, truth be told she did go after a stone mason when he refused to lay out the stone for a fireplace we were having built to her liking. He made the mistake of making a disparaging comment about her being a woman & not knowing what she was talking about. Good thing she was wearing a coat with a hood. It was all I could do to reach out and grab the hood while she stood there windmilling her arms. You should have seen the look on the stone mason's face.......priceless !

Peter
 
mjbine said:
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.
But what the heck, he says to himself "I can really use a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the
name of your pecker?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you
tell me the name of your pecker. Mine for instance is called Nike, for
the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his
Snickers, because it really satisfies.' The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a
second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left,
who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy
asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and
keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen
to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is
Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'" and
gives a wink. Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my pecker is 'SECRET.'
Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asked "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE
FOR A WOMAN!!
Click to expand...

That was an awesome joke! I got a great laugh out of that one! Thanks for sharing:thumbup::D
 
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station; the other's a busty crustacean.
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches watches; the other watches snatches.
 
prom52 said:
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS:

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest...
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser stun gun.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

Loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy,bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ' no
possible way! '

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, ' Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
and now regularly threatens me with it!



--
Click to expand...

Dang peter!, you surprise me I didnt know you had one like this up you sleeve. I could see my self doing something like this. Man I laughed outloud reading this one. I will have to share it with some friends. Thank you for sharing it with us!:thumbup::D
 
prom52 said:
Jerry:

No worries with my wife, she's a lover, not a fighter. However, truth be told she did go after a stone mason when he refused to lay out the stone for a fireplace we were having built to her liking. He made the mistake of making a disparaging comment about her being a woman & not knowing what she was talking about. Good thing she was wearing a coat with a hood. It was all I could do to reach out and grab the hood while she stood there windmilling her arms. You should have seen the look on the stone mason's face.......priceless !

Peter
Click to expand...

I would have paid good money to have witnessed this!:D
 
tiguy7 said:
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station; the other's a busty crustacean.
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches watches; the other watches snatches.
Click to expand...



LOL, those are some good little rymes, thanks for sharing!:D:thumbup:
 
prom52 said:
Jerry:

No worries with my wife, she's a lover, not a fighter. However, truth be told she did go after a stone mason when he refused to lay out the stone for a fireplace we were having built to her liking. He made the mistake of making a disparaging comment about her being a woman & not knowing what she was talking about. Good thing she was wearing a coat with a hood. It was all I could do to reach out and grab the hood while she stood there windmilling her arms. You should have seen the look on the stone mason's face.......priceless !

Peter
Click to expand...

While I do appreciate the story about the mason, I was trying to pick on you above and insinuate that YOU were the Pocket Taser Stun Gun and the wife was your wife. You either missed that or tactfully ignored it. LOL

~ Jerry
 
Warrior108 said:
While I do appreciate the story about the mason, I was trying to pick on you above and insinuate that YOU were the Pocket Taser Stun Gun and the wife was your wife. You either missed that or tactfully ignored it. LOL

~ Jerry
Click to expand...

I suspected that you were making an inference to me being the dude in the story, that is why I redirected the focus to the little ditty about my wife. If it had been me I'm afraid that the cat would have been the one searching for its testicles. Then I would have faced the ire of my wife for messing with her cat....lol
 
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea and then..." he sighs...

"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
 
Panthera tigris said:
Tim: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Dr. Grant: I don't know - what do you call a blind dinosaur?
Tim: A Do-you-think-he-saurus.
Dr. Grant: Ha-ha. Good one.
Tim: What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?
Dr. Grant: You got me.
Tim: A Do-you-think-he-saurus Rex.
Click to expand...


What do you call a gay dinosaur? ---- A megasoreass
A lesbian dinosaur? ----- Lickalottapuss
 
What do toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common ..
..
..
..
..
..
They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons
 
Since Jerry opened the door, here goes:

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog...

It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this" and she goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing away those nails?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'you moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor? 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a really loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!
...You need to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied......'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

+++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically...
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
 
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