Let's hear your CLEAN bad jokes.

How about an anecdote:

Back in the 1950s and 60s science had embrassed the IQ test, and researchers were running around trying to to use their new tool to draw conclusions. There was an anthropologist who was trying to find the most primitive living branch of man. The more so; after administering numerous tests, he was convinced that the aboriginal culture in Autralia was precisely what he had been searching for. They had consistenly scored lower then any other known group. So with the results and data in the bag, he loaded up his truck and headed back towards town.

Unfortunately, his truck broke down along the way, leaving him stranded in the middle of a desert. With no other option he set off along the trail to try to walk towards civilization. But, in that intense heat, it wasn't long before dehydration took hold; within a couple of days he was too far gone to continue and could barely lift himself from the ground. He was convinced the end was near.

Fortunately, a couple of aboriginies found him by the side of the road. They looked at each other; then at the prostrate man laying before them; then one of them pulled out a nearby bush and poured a generous amount of water into the man's mouth that had been trapped in the plant's tuberous roots. The aboriginies couldn't understand what kind of idiot would chose to die from dehydration while inches away from a plentiful water supply.

n2s
 
A German tourist was standing in line at a McDonald’s in Atlanta. When he got up to the counter he asked for a beer. The red neck standing behind him said, “You fool. You can’t get beer at McDonald’s”. The German replied, “On the contrary, in Europe McDonald’s serves beer and wine.”

After a few seconds the German started laughing. “What’s so dang funny?”, asked the red neck. To which the German replied, “It just occurred to me that you are here for the food.”
 
Two nuns were driving down the street, and the devil popped out of a manhole cover and jumped on their car. The nuns started swerving all over the street, and the sister in the passenger seat said "Sister, turn on the windshield wipers and spray him, I put holy water in the reservori." So the sister does, and the devil is hollering, but he still holds on. So the sister screams "What do we do now?". The other sister says "Show him your cross!"

So the sister driving sticks her head out the window and yells "Get the hell off of our car!"
 
A traveling salesman was just finishing his dinner and about to have a cup of coffee when he knocked the spoon off the table. The waiter came over immediately, reached into the pocket of his vest and gave the man another spoon. As the man stirred his coffee he remarked that it was amazing that the waiter would have a spoon in his pocket. The waiter told him that an efficiency expert analyzed the restaurant and found that most people dropped their spoon, so all the waiters carry an extra spoon. When the waiter brought the bill, the salesman notice a string hanging out of the waiters fly and asked what it was for. The waiter told him that the efficiency expert found that if a string was tied around your penis, you didn’t have to touch it when you went to the bathroom. If you didn’t have to touch it, you wouldn’t have to wash your hands thereby saving 30 seconds, and a lot of soap and hot water. The salesman thought about it for a minute and said, “That’s fine, but how do you get it back in your pants?” The waiter answered, “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use a spoon.”
 
Back in the days when the USSR still existed, there was a Party man named Rudolph, who would bicker and argue with his wife over anything just to pass the time. One day they were having an argument about the weather, his wife said that it was snowing and sugessted he go out and get some so they could make some snow cream. Rudolph however did not want to go out as he was just back from splitting wood and had just set himself down to toast by the fire, so he said no dear it's raining, they went back and forth like this for about an hour she telling him its snowing and him telling her no its raining, Finally Rudolph stood up looked at his wife and fully frustrated he said Rudolph the Red knows rain dear!
 
Bubba and Zek were coming home from the poker game late one night, when Zek (who was driving) started getting sleepy (from drinking beer earlier).
Bubba said that he was too drunk to drive and recommended that they just stop the truck for awhile and take a little nap.

And that's just what they did.

Several ours later Zek was awaken by a police officer tapping on the driver-side window.

Zek "Yes officer"?

Police "Why are you parked here"?

Zek "I was too tired to drive".

Police "Are you aware that you're parked on the rail-road tracks"?

Zek "Nope, I was not aware".

Police "Now what would you have done if a train had been coming when you woke up, and if you were not able to start your truck"?

Zek "Well, I reckon I would have woke Bubba up....he aint never seen a train wreck before".
 
You want bad, these are b a d ....

How do you make sausage?
Shove a leper into a wind tunnel and put a plastic bag over the outlet end.

What did the leper say to the prostitute when they were finished?
Keep the tip.

What do you call a paraplegic hanging on the wall?
Art.

What do you call a paraplegic laying on the floor?
Matt.

What do you call a paraplegic floating in a swimming pool?
Bob.
 
ohoisin said:
Rudolph the Red knows rain dear!
Click to expand...
That reminds me of a joke from my childhood.

Q. Why are fire engines red?
A. Fire-engines have four men and eight wheels. Eight and four make twelve. Twelve inches in a ruler. Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. She sailed the high seas. Seas have fish. Fish have fins. Finns fought the Russians. The Russians are red. Fire-engines are always rushing. Therefore fire-engines are red.
 
Gary W. Graley said:
...A Scotsman was arguing with the conductor as to whether the fare was 25 or 50 cents. Finally the disgusted conductor picked up the Scotsman's suitcase and tossed it off the train, just as they passed over a bridge. It landed with a splash.
" Man ", screamed the Scot, " isn't enough to try to overcharge me, but now you try to drown my little boy "!
...
Click to expand...
Thanks, man!...I needed a good laugh.:D.:thumbup:.:D.
 
An Irishman, a Scot, and an Englishman all mett at the local pub for a pint of Guiness 3 flies land one in each pint. The Englishman looks at in disgust and pors it out then orders another pint quickly quoffing it down to avoid furter flies. The Scot picks the fly out and drinks the pint. The Irishman grabs the flys and yells spit out or I'll pull yer wing off ya ya theiving insect.

in the same vein

Three preachers meet at the local Shoney's for coffee, A Baptist a Methodist and a Nazarene a fly lands in each of their cups, the Baptist orders a new cup, the Methodist flicks the fly out, and the Nazarene drinks the cup fly and all jest to make sure he gets everydrop. The Morman wandering by realizes just how glad he is that he doesn't drink coffe cause flies are so much eiser to spot in Sprite.
 
Old CW4 said:
You want bad, these are b a d ....

What do you call a paraplegic hanging on the wall?
Art.

What do you call a paraplegic laying on the floor?
Matt.

What do you call a paraplegic floating in a swimming pool?
Bob.
Click to expand...

A parapalegic water skiing?
Skip

A parapalegic in a pile of leaves?
Rustle

Bruceter
 
A man who just died is delivered to a mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, he presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."
:D
 
Q. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A. Cause it was feeling "crummy"

Q. What type of car does Mickey Mouse's girlfriend drive?
A. A "Minnie" van

Q. What type of car does Luke Skywalker drive?
A. A To-yoda

Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snowbanks


Well, you asked for bad....

Glenn
 
I cannot claim it but it is funny

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
 
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. It must have been those damn thieves at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna



Two good ole boys were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer...
After a while the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over ta your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while y'all was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."
 
A boy was sitting on the steps of a church when a rather large lady in a short skirt came running up and asked "is mass out yet?". The boy said "No but your hat is on crooked ".
 
Q: Why did the koala fall out of the tree?


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
A: Because it was dead.
 
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