OT: I need help, men

Danny,

I saw a lot of abuse growing up, as well as just a plain unhealthy environment. It took me years to learn not to react with violence, and to let
go of the hate, bitterness, and hurt I had stored. Now I want kids so badly.

Only you can make this decision for yourself; Takako will have to decide for herself, and hopefully, some common ground can be found.

I was married for 4 years, and with that lady for 6. I can tell you that fear is not the reason you should or should not do anything, just as I can assure you that life is too short to be unhappy.

Do not make shortsighted decisions, but understand that the decision you are genuinely and truly happiest making now is the decision you will be happiest you
made 10, 20, or 50 years from now.

We only have this instant in time; thanks for sharing it with me.

John
 
It can be looked at as such, but I think i hear your parents speaking thru you here, adding a bit of negative casting.

I have a buddy who was the "accidental" baby, and sadly he was treated as such. It had a big and negative impact on him, and he really could use some help working thru these issues.

Another option might be to try an American marriage counselor, perhaps one that specializes in Intercultural marriages.

I had many of the same fears and issues that you have, but they can be worked thru. I still have time to play bass in a band once a week, play shows out, play games with friends, doo hobbies and MA, etc. In the end, you don't really lose anything, only gain.

Money ain't time--you can save money, but not time. Money is the stupidest thing, time the most important. My wife's mom (single mom after leaving alcohlic hubbie) decided that it was more important to provide money, since she had not idea how to love (never was taught that--she's single to this day). My wife wishes she had just spent time with her, and my wife worked thru the abandonment issues for years (my wife's mom told her at AGE 9 that she didn't/couldn't be her mom anymore, and perhaps they could just be friends ?!?!?!?!? And she wasn't even a good friend after that! Coincidentally, wifes' mom's mom told her as a teenager that she didn't like her, and never would. Foundations are laid for generations with crap like that, and it affected three thus far.)

Oops, swaying off topic there. In the end, you must look at all things, consider all info, and in the end your heart will tell you what you want to do. My heart told me when asked-(gave myself to myself) that I am here to have fun, my major goal in this world. Fer me, the kid fits right in there. My wife sees the old silliness that attracted her to me coming back when we play with Heather, and so do I.

Keith
 
Danny-

My old man perhaps should not have had kids. On the other hand- here I am.

My wife and I were not going to have kids. The world was screwed up- and we were screwed up.

Our kids now make our lives better. We waited too long between them because of stupid literature on the subject. They'll fight if they're too close together. Well, my two oldest boys fight and they're the official 3 years apart.

Bill is right about terrible misgivings. I am right about the World being kinder, and children more resilient than you'd believe.

It sounds to me like you are for waiting a bit and I see nothing wrong there.

I'm 48 and have three little ones. When I was in my 20's I was too far gone for marriage or children.


munk
 
I know many with that childhood, forced to grow up too early and miss the childhood. My dad and wife will never get that back.

My dad was in a similar home situation, and he made a difference. He could a been an alkie steelworker like his dad, but he knew he didn't want to do that. My mom had an idyllic childhood, and did much to help my dad fix his perceptions of the world and himself.

Soulds like you're on the path to right the wrongs of your ancestry as well, John. Good luck, and kudos!

Keith
 
Leaving out personal genetics, life experiences, or spiritual/emotional make-up, I can truthfully say that the period of my life that was devoted to child rearing was the most stressful and emotionally trying time I have ever experienced. Not that this was necessarily a negative period of my life, it was just a very difficult one that I would never choose to repeat.

Compared to other difficult life situations that I have experienced such as survival in combat, or in physically hostile environments, raising a child was far more stressful.
 
Don't make a logical decision, initially.

You need.............

An epiphany.

(3a..A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.)
(3b..A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization:)

Pro? or Con?

You'll be the first to know.

Do you practice zazen or any other quiet-mind practice?

If I had read every word of the thread above I'd probably say
everyone is right, especially for themselves.

In the end you have to realize what is right for you.
Hearing other viewpoints is corn in the grinder.
You bake your own bread, to your own taste.
 
Danny,

I'm not married, don't have kids. But even I can see couple of things that you might consider. Kis sorta touched on it.

You say "have a child".

Does that mean THE SAME THING TO BOTH of you?

Possible perhaps non-obvious meanings:

*have one child

*have one child now and see how it goes

*"start" a family

*try to produce a boy and a girl but stop at X children

*produce a male child no matter how many children it takes

*
*
*

You get the idea. You and your wife need to be on the same page, and stay there unless you both agree on a different page.

Also, is your wife willing (able?) to separate her wishes from that of her family in this regard? To tell them which page, and herself stay on it?

It would be bad to have a child, be OK with the added stress though pretty much maxed out, and find out that nothing has changed re the pressure to have a(another) child.

I can see how the possibility of having a less than healthy child is frightening. How frightening is the possibilty of having perfectly healthy twins?

Don't mean to be a downer, but I don't want to see you later writing "I can just barely handle the child(ren) we've got, but "everybody" is pressuring us to have another..."

Best wishes.
 
well, Ben, you weren't too young. As ferrous says; individual millage may very."


munk
 
A very serious step indeed in the life of human beings, in that we can choose, generally.
Danny a lot depends on your childhood and how you were raised. I had a father and once in a very, very, great while he could actually be a daddy so I didn't have a role model to follow that was worth anything.
I'm not going to get into the grist of it except to say I wish I would've behaved differently so that I wouldn't have had to get married.
Seems things are different these days and kids who make mistakes don't have to -get married- anymore.
I love my kids dearly but only have a good relationship with my son and that's only been for the last couple of years since he quit trying to convert me to his religion.
But I wouldn't trade the years I had with them while their mother and I were married for anything, seven years.
Just my two cent's for what it's worth as you've been given excellent and invaluable advice already.

The main thing in my opinion is to stand by your gun's when you do come to a decision and don't let anything or anyone change your mind.
One other thing you might need to be reminded of is a decision to make a decision later is still a decision.
Just don't be rushed, or perhaps more importantly, pushed into something you are indecisive or just not positive about.
Kids should be fun and rewarding IMO and not a drudge or a chore.
I wouldn't trade the relationship I have with my son now for anything. We have talked about the past and got it behind us and that's more than either of us ever expected or hoped for. And the abuse has ended with me thankfully and I have one great grandson to carry on the family name, so far. His name is Hunter.:D
Just found out about a month ago that my granddaughter is pregnant again as well as my grandson's wife. Maybe there's another boy in the works right now!:D
 
Just found out about a month ago that my granddaughter is pregnant again as well as my grandson's wife. Maybe there's another boy in the works right now!
Click to expand...

For the record, this is *entirely* conincidental to my visits with Yvsa during the past two months! :eek:
 
DannyinJapan said:
I have a lot of bad memories from my childhood. My parents fought 24 hours a day.
I dont make much money and I dont know if I ever will.
Training in budo is a large part of my life and it takes up basically a whole day out of every week.

Where is this going?

Everybody in our life, including Takako, wants us to have a baby.
I have terrible misgivings about it. It is, to me, the heaviest burden and a responsibility you can never be free of.
I am afraid. My sister had an autisitc baby.
I know that everybody says they love their kids more than anything in their lives. I understand that.
I dont have any NOW though, so why should I make huge sacrifices for children that dont exist?

I need somebody to consider my thoughts and offer me some new possible ways of thinking.
Click to expand...

Hi, I don't usually post here, just read, but I've thought about this question a lot even though it isn't an issue for me yet, because I think it will be in a couple of years. I can see myself posting this exact question then.

I think you have to consider 2 things.

1. Where do you want your life to be going and what do you want it to be like? Would sharing your life with a child help or hinder that?

As to your childhood, the reality of the situation is that you have complete control over your own actions and decisions. That is all there is to it.

2. The pressure that you are getting from family members is selfish and should not enter into your decision.
Your wife's needs, however, should. I'm not saying that it should overpower everything else. In fact I think if you are sure that you really don't want kids, you shouldn't have them even if that means you can't stay together. There is nothing wrong with not having kids. But what I am saying is that you should keep her in mind when you are searching for your epiphany.

No answers, just thoughts. I wish you well.

Ryan
DrClckWrk
 
Danny, I have a 21 year old Autistic child.

I can't respond to you cause I just don't know how I feel. Had we not had a child or had a child not Autistic, I can't conceive what life would be like.
 
45-70 said:
Ohhh Another Mississippian ?
Click to expand...

I wish. Ha ha! Beautiful country there. I wondered if anyone would ever ask that. You are the first. I just like the phrase, goes nicely with the knife thing.
:D
Ryan
DrClckWrk
 
Danny,
kids are the headaches to go through to get to the wonderful grandchildren.

there are only two things that count, kids and cats. They both listen the same.......they don't.

If you are a anal, boss type, don't have kids. Children do what they want and it is a full time job to give them direction with love,kindness, but firm.

I love my 6 grandchildren more than words can describe.
 
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