please read..a lot of the subjects..

You are in my thoughts man! Try to keep looking forward, my older brother went through the same thing, came home one day from work and found his house empty, his wife and 1 year old daughter gone and moved into a trailer in her parents back yard. 3 days later their next door neighbor left his wife and moved in with her, they had been having an affair. My brother was devastaed, but know 19 years later, he is remarried with a 16 year old daughter and an adopted 19 year old son, and just became a granpa from his first daughter!

I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but life WILL go on and time will heal this pain!

As a Buddhist I cannot "pray" for you in the normal sense, but many meditations are going your way.

TLC
 
Hey Rev, hang in there..
Since others have shared their travails, here are the bare bones of mine.
Betrayal and my unwilling seperation after 20 years of marriage, leaving two teenaged children hurt, confused and angry.
One year later I was diagnosed with leukemia.
This is not to try and equate one's troubles with another's. I think that is impossible.
I mention my facts only to say that if three years ago I had known what lay ahead, I would not had thought I would have come out the other side. Or that things would be as good, as challenging, and as hopefull as I now find them.
There is a lot of help out there. I only know what worked for me. Find what suits you and keep going.
all the best
 
I'm telling you like I was telling a recenlty divorced friend... you're free! liberated... Reborn!

You'll thank her in a year or two... believe me... I wish my wife would leave me....
 
As so many have said, but it can not be said enough, you are NOT a loser.

The first woman was a cheat and the second one is a liar (saying that she never loved you after she married you pretty much assures that there was lie in there somewhere).

I know that you still profess to love this woman. I hope that maybe love will prevail. But, she is a liar. If you married her, then I assume that somwhere along the way she professed to love you. Now she says she never did. One of those statements is necessarily a lie. So, we know that this woman is not, at least right now, honest and trustworthy. She's said she intends to leave you permanently implying a divorce which is a legal procedure with profound implications. Going through a legal procedure with profound impliations with a woman who is not being honest and trustworthy is dangerous indeed. You should retain a good lawyer right now.

You may say, "There's not much to fight for. I've got the few things that matter to me out of the house already. Let her take the rest," but it's not just the property here. You have your own good name and reputation to protect here. You want to be sure that the ultimate resolution of the divorce (if there has to be one in the end) reads favorably to you. This is your future and your good name on the line. Don't let a dishonest and non-trustworthy woman ruin it because you are not a looser and you shouldn't let anyone else try to brand you as such (which is what she may very well try to do in the divorce proceeding).
 
Rev...prayers sent and agree with Wolf wholeheartedly. The quicker you can show her you are moving on the better. It may seem high school, but the saying "I am so over you" (even if you may not quite fully feel it at the time) carries A LOT of power. At the risk of sounding bossy, DO NOT take this woman back, no matter how much it hurts now.

I advise my divorce friends to find others in situations similar to yours for support, and ASAP to just get comfortable hanging out with you. You are great company for yourself until you are indeed ready to move on. Women have a radar for neediness and it pushes them away quicker than even bad breath or body odor. Hang in there man!

For the rest of us...always remember: there are NO guarantees in life, and always listen to that voice within.
 
Well Rev I can't say it better than has already been said by our friends here on the forums. It always makes me feel better to think about people that care about me when I'm down. Were thinking about about you and we care. Hang in there buddy! My Dad used to have a saying that went, "Sometimes a bad thing ain't" It may take a while but it will work out for you and I bet you will be better off!



John
 
I went through it, couple of things I learned
time does heal but you rip a few scabs in the process
don't drink booze to numb out, it just delays the pain
feel the pain, hold it, then get rid of it
repeat the above as often as necessary

you'll get through this and quite often the dumpee gets the chance one day to be the dumper (it's kind of a sweet revenge)
 
Rev,

You've mentioned lack of sleep a couple of times.

I went through a similar experience when my ex wife left. I would only sleep for about 40 minutes, just long enough to start to enter the dreaming stage, and then I would wake up in a pool of sweat and not be able to sleep the rest of the night. I kept it up for 6 weeks and then crashed hard. It took me a couple of years to get over the physiological effects of that crash. After I saw a doctor and got on some medications I was able to restore my balance fairly quickly. I did not need to be on meds for long.

If this was happening to me again and I was having those same sleep problems I would go to see a doctor much sooner. Definitely if I went for a week or 10 days without sleep. You really don't want to experience the effects of running on adrenaline and no sleep for extended periods of time.

If you want to lose some weight now is a good time. I bet all of the food tastes like cardboard. Do make yourself eat enough healthy food to keep your body running. It can be a terrible chore but do it. I lost about 30 lbs in a few weeks.

If you're pumped with adrenaline and can hear your heart pounding in your ears you may want to try some heavy exercise. It will help burn some of that stuff out of your system. I remember doing heavy calesthetics and yawning while I was doing them because my body was finally able to feel sleepy.

Peace be with you.
 
I'm very sorry to hear of your troubles. I can tell from the character that you show on the forum that you are a fine man. Keep your head up and don't be afraid to get whatever help you need to get through this.
 
Rev,

I am so terribly sorry that you've been treated so horribly. :( It's understandable that you're feeling down, but please don't make matters worse by becoming your own enemy. We all have a tendency to behave this way. When you think about your situation be careful not to overdramatize it in your language. You are not a loser. Why are you talking about yourself that way? :( I think that you should accept the fact that you are a very capable, worthwhile human being who is experiencing a terrible, and unexpected, loss. Treat yourself like a king. Don't let one more personal insult enter your head much less leave your lips. Don't isolate yourself. Get out and surround yourself with good people. Most of all, don't punish yourself for feeling bad and talking about what is happening to you.

Now for your wife's denial of her previous feelings for you. It's certainly hard to ignore, let's analyze it a bit. There are two possibilities relative to this admission. First, she's telling the truth. In that case, she's fixing a very selfish mistake that she made early enough (35) for you to heal yourself and move on. If she's telling the truth than she was wasting your years away with her when you could've been spending them with someone worthwhile. How could she be so arrogant to think that she wasn't wasting your time? I'll never understand how people can delude themselves this way. She's not better than you. She wasn't doing you a favor by blessing you with her presence. :rolleyes: The reality is that there is something really wrong with her. Why would she marry someone she doesn't love? This doesn't sound to me like someone who is capable of having a lifelong, loving relationship. Thank goodness you finally found all of this out. :)

The second possibility is that she's lying. If so, does it really make any difference? She's still leaving. The only difference it makes is that now she's being hateful on her way out the door. What kind of woman would be so cruel? Surely you deserve better than someone who behaves so destructively. At least now you can move on to someone who will appreciate you.

Now you've been through two bad relationships (marriages). I think that you really need to start taking care of yourself. You need to spend at least a year (or two) developing your own interests and learning what makes you happy. Take some classes at the local college, take up a new hobby, do something different. Just don't jump into another relationship. You're suffering from a low self-image right now. You're the only one who can heal yourself. A new woman at this point in time will just take you down the same path you're on right now. Healthy people attract healthy people. Heal thyself. :) You're in my prayers.
 
jsmatos said:
... Healthy people attract healthy people.
Click to expand...


That is soooo true.

Rev, just don't allow yourself to repeat the mistakes of your past (we all have them, so you're not alone). There is a pattern forming and you need to stop it in its tracks. There is a metamorphosis - an awakening of sorts - you must expereince and you pretty much have to do it alone.

It is essential that you learn to be content on your own before you allow someone else into your life. Notice I didn't say you had to be "happy," but you need to learn to be o.k. alone before you can ever hope to experience a real, true, healthy, love.

How do you "learn" to be content? Mainly by taking time to reflect upon your past and determining how you want to live your life from this moment forward. In the process, you'll find that you've gained confidence in yourself by proving that you can go it alone and survive.

Like Jen said, take a class - join a gym, learn to play guitar, train for a marathon. Just find something that lets you experience setting goals, challenging yourself in a way you never have before, and succeeding at something that you once thought near-impossible, or at least unlikely.

Good luck. Lots of people are praying for your health and happiness. Count me among them. :)
 
Rev, I'm sorry to hear about you being so unhappy. Read what Gollnick wrote again, though, and get yourself a lawyer. Divorce does not have to be a big deal, legally, but given the circumstances, you don't need any more surprises. A lawyer will also help you get on with the business of the divorce and not worry about the emotions of it.

Get on with your life. Work, play, spend as much time with your family and friends as possible. You will be amazed at how fast she will fade into the mists, like a bad dream on a bright summer morning. Sitting around brooding is the worst thing you could do.

You are not the loser. They are.
 
What I find important in times of crisis: Put yourself in the moment.

Put One Foot In Front Of The Other

Sometimes I need to just concentrate on whatever it is that will distract me, be it making something, fixing something, writing, reading, drawing, exercise, whatever.

Once you've got a handle on where your feet are going, you can worry about other people's feet.

Just remember, you can't change other people. Just focus on getting you sorted out and worry about everybody else later. Spend time with those close to you, and those with your best interests at heart.

My two cents, and best of luck to you.

[Edit: I can type. Really]
 
Don't know you bro, but just the way you posted this tells me you're hurt, but definitely no loser.

You can't control other people, and the question "why" will never be answered because there is usually ain't a single "why".

We are strange creatures, but we are also resilient and we survive, and so will you. I had a buddy who went through a similar thing, and he made it. You will too.

Lean hard on the people in your life. Your parents, your bro's and sisters if you have them, friends, cousins, your church, pastor, deacons, and find a counselor if you can't talk to anyone else. Sob like a baby if you need to, manliness be damned. You have to grieve, it's the only way through.

You asked for prayers, you have mine, so I don't feel out of line saying spend some time with God.
 
I also dont know you. But have read your posts over the past few years. I dont think there in not one of us here in the forums who has not gone though some hard times. Some more than others.
Lately, I been thinking a lot about some problems and the AA serenity prayer comes to mind.
" God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the differance."
God Bless
 
Thank you everyone for your prayers, concern and kind words, it really says allot to me about you guys. I appreciate it so much!! After I got off here yesterday, I got down prayed and finally accepted that I had no control I just had to leave it in God's hands and see what He would do. Well something happend allright. All the prayers of everyone were answered!!!

When I went home from my parents I got a message from my mother-in-aw who said, "John, we love you are still our son and we want to have a birthday dinner for you". At first I did not want to go, but then a friend said, "John, humble yourself what would Christ do?" So I went and when I got there my wife was there, even put her wedding ring back on! She was nice cordial, and seemd really nervous. At the end of the night she said, "would you help me with my stuff?" And she came home!!! It is wonderful news, but I know there is work to be done on it. God is good!! Thank you all for all the prayers, so much appreciated, cant express to you how much I appreciate all of you!! It is good to know that ther are many caring "knife-knuts" around here!!! Thanks again guys, please keep up the prayers!!!! There is still battle here to work everything out. It is on the right road though, very encouraging.

Thanks again for all your prayers!!!!

The Lord bless you guys for your concern :) !!!
:D
 
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