Guys this is going to sound strange, but this turned out to be a great blessing for me. God used this oppurtunity to heal me from past pain and hurt growing up. I did not realize I had been using her as a "safety blanket" and trying to get the love I never had groming up. You see I was abused as a child by my father in every sense of what would be considered "dispicable" today. I did not realize that even as an adult and minister of the Lord that it still affected me. you see my dad would abuse me while my mother would turn her back. Im not just talking about getting the whippings, beatings etc. I'll stop right there. Well even as an adult I have had problems with "self worth" thought I was worthless, unloveable. I did not accept Jesus Christ until I was in my early twenties, that was 15 years ago. Well even though I know about The Lord's love, and have experienced it, I did not feel "fully accepted". Now I did in terms of salvation, no problem there, although there was for the first years, accepting His grace that is, was hard for me, afterall I felt "unacceptable". well I had not realized that I had not dealt with the "abandonment" by my mother as she would turn her back while he did some pretty horrible things. Well when my wife and I had our fight she walked out, I panicked could not be alone and very clearly God showed me that I was still looking for a mother that I had never had, I now felt "abandonded" again. I ran to my parents house even though I had been hurt by them in my past. I had dealt with the anger towards my dad, but not towards My mom. You see for me to admit that she turned her back, meant I had no one to protect me, I always wanted to believe she had, but she had not, she could not have been able to. In the end though I see that God, even though most the time He does not take back "ones free will", He is still there in the backgorund watching. For me, He was there keeping my dad from destroying me completely. You see while I was at my parents during our seperation God dealt with my past pain, hurt.
Wed morning after a couple conversations with her, I had to "let my marriage go to the Lord". it was hard for me to do, i did not want to let go of my "saftey blanket", but guys that's where God needed me. So I got down on my knees and did so. I said, "Lord I want my marriage to work, but you know best, your will be done, its yours I give it to you". I gave it to Him and He allowed me to feel all the pain and hurt I had from all my life of growing up, intense, does not describe the pin of crying all this out. Its like when your young, you get hurt, its very painful to the point of physical pain while crying. This pain of crying was so very much worse. I was crying so hard I thought it could kill me. I had been carrying those tears for almost 35 years!!! I never knew it until now.
My past had been a living hell to me. You see I use to run away from home often, from the age of 7-15. I would run off to the woods live out there for days at a time, hoping I would die so I did not have to go back to there and get hit with all kinds of things, tools, etc, called names and even worse....
Ive carried the pain of my past for over 30 years. Im now 35 and who knows how young I was when it started? I grew up catholic (protestant now) with priests, nuns, etc in our family, alcoholism, etc. etc. etc. very sadly, dysfunctional. very hypocritical.
Well the moment I gave her to God, the tears came flowing and lasted for hours. After that I felt free!!! Also empty, the knot in my stomach did not feel the same, it was sore, but not hurting. There is hardly anyway I can explain this to you guys very well. Most would say, "its in your past get it over", but you know what? For someone who grew up being beat, being called names, like worthless, waste of oxygen, being stripped and ---- , virtually a living hell, who knew nothing else, but to do crazy things to escape reality, you will never understand. I had had a talk with my mom and confronted her, he did the abuse, God dealt with that a year ago for me, I forgave him, but the most painful part was knowing she did not protect me. Ive had a "nervous" sick knot in my stomach for years, had it all my life, now its almost gone!!
If my wife had not left me, I would not now be on the way to be free of this forever!!
See in my past (before I was married) I would sleep with woman to make me feel better about myself. God showed me how I was only looking for affection and affirmation. Now I can say I feel "completely" accepted by the Lord, I am valuable to Him and to me. If she had not left, I would not be healed now. I appologize as I know that many of you will not understand what I am saying, many will have an idea and they will find it troublesome to themselves. You see God has shown me Im not the only one.
Ive never been one to agree with or look to what many call "psychobabel", but I have to say there is something to say about being a "product of your enviroment". Theres some that will chime off with "when you are saved by Christ you are a new creation", this is true, but it does not mean your past experiences are wiped away. You may be on the road to heaven, but you are still dealing with life, and the consequences of the past.
All I can say is that I am thankful God gave me this gift. he healed me of this on my birthday, now that truly is a birthday present!!!
years ago a stranger came up to me in a church and said, "God wants to heal your heart", I looked at him like he was crazy, then he said, "He wants you to be
c-o-m-p-l-e-t-e-l-y whole!!!"
I understand this now. Now my wife is back, we are working on our marriage, dealing with her sickness and I do not look at her for what she cannot give me, only God can. I could have disobeyed the Lord gone outside out marriage in my anger, gone to other woman, but nothing would have changed the fact that God wanted to "get my attention" and now He has. We try to "drown" ourselves in our hobbies, sex, money, drugs, alcolohol, etc. But it will never satisfy us. You know most of my life, even into my adult years I was suicidal at times, but now I do not feel that way anymore. I knew it was wrong, I believed it was wrong (and it is), but for someone whose pain is beyond control I was lost, did not know what to do. It took God working through others and His "direct" intervention to save my life from being ruined because of my past. I needed a healing from all the pain of the past.
Heres a quick story I'll leave with you guys. When I was married to my first wife she was verbally and physically abusive to me. I would not hit a woman, she knew it, she took advantage of it. Well I was in the AF emabarrassed and fed up with life. I had accepted Jesus, was a fairly new believer, my first daughter was a year old (shes now 12). Well I got fed up one morning my wife had just drained what money was in the bank, tried to stab me the night before with a pair of scissors. I took my pistol went into the woods parked my car where no one would see it and would end my life.
Well as I sat on a log hundreds of yards away from the country road I loaded my gun and said, "sorry Lord Ive asked you to change eveything and you havent and I know this is wrong, but I cant do it anymore". Well before I could do anything a friend of mine, very compassionate believer in Christ, came running at me and said, "dont do it, God does not want you to do it". Well I knew at that moment God really loved me, He went through allot of trouble to stop me. You see my friend was driving the opposite direction and he got 24 miles away, almost to his girlfriends house when God told him to turn around and go the oppsite way. well he had to go much further the other way before he got to me. He told me that all God said was theres John's car its hidden in the woods, go back there and tell him to stop". My friend was horrified to see what would have happend. he even had said he almost ignored what the Lord was saying to him. This showed me God's love, this happend over 11 years ago, before I was a minister, or stronger in the Lord. Many will say, "well thats stupid you should have left her", but to me I was use to being mistreated, thought I deserved no better, knew only "that" my entire life.
I see now over time God had to "re-wire" me, heal me, change my way of thing so I would be whole. This has taken many years, but I am grateful for it. Only reinforces that God is God, He loves us. The world is th eway it is, because of us. He gave us free will, He gave us free reign, we are the ones who have messed it up.
I thank him for the healing I now can feel after 35 years of pain
