Smoke for a man walking west

:( Earnest prayers for strength and comfort, Jake.

Thank you for sharing. It was eloquent, and heartfelt, and I hope cathartic as well.

This particular line stood out to me:

Steely_Gunz said:
I know I have asked SO much from the Cantina as of late ...
Click to expand...

It bothered me. I admit I had to ponder it awhile to figure out why. I finally realized that it actually hurts me to think that anyone here might hesitate before, or feel the need to apologize for, asking for support. We are all friends here. There is no "ask and receive" or "give and take" among friends. We share. Good news and bad, joy and pain, success and failure are all the same to us because we are bonded by a common spirit.

Jake, or anyone else here, please don't ever feel bad about sharing anything in the Cantina. The greater offense would be keeping it to yourself- keeping it away from your friends. :)
 
Thanks so much for that, Mac. It's just a bit tough for me to ask for help. I'm not used to being vulnerable. Watching dad go has taught me that it is OK to go naked and unprotected into the long dark night when you have your loved ones there.

We are doing OK today. The news of a God-Daughter high fiving my dad-in-law as one entered and one exited this earthly existence is both humorous as well as smacking of divinity. The silence is deafening. The rise and fall of the oxygen machine is no longer there. The ears strain to make sure their isn't a groan or a gasp or a plea for comfort as was common when dad would drift in and out of consciousness. Mom's cell phone still chimes every 4 hours to remind her when dad was due his morphine. Everything else is eerily quiet. It almost feels like dad struggled and got over a bad fever last night, and we are letting him sleep in. We are tiptoeing around the house as to not wake the dead.

Today is the day of grips. The relief of long suffering ended is still there, but the finality of the whole thing has begun to creep in. It's is sunday. Nothing beyond making calls to friends and loved ones about the news and piddling around the house can be done. A whole day for the mind to eat itself. Monday is all business. Papers to be signed, and we have to pick out the clothes that dad would like to be "buried" in as he is being cremated.

Today I am going to go totem hunting through dad's stuff. I generally need to feel something of theirs when I am grieving. Something I can pocket through the service and grasp white knuckled. I think I might borrow the SAK Spartan Lite that I gave him a few years ago before he and mom went off to Europe for a few weeks. I figured a SAK wouldn't turn too many heads, it came with a nice corkscrew if they wanted to sample a bottle of wine at the spur of the moment, and it had a built in LED to help them see around.

He carried this knife all through Europe and across the US in a Nite Eyez tool case with a maglite and little odds and ends. As he became sicker, the odds and ends became bandaids to repair his bleeding fingers. alcohol wipes and aspirin. Later it was filled with anti-nausea medicine and opiate painkillers that they know are habit forming but give them to you because they know you don't have enough time to become hooked. I found this little pouch the other day while looking for some Immodium for my uncle-in-law when we were first told that it would be only a matter of days before dad took his solo journey.

I took out the SAK. A little dusty and the edge needs a TINY bit of work. No big deal. I can fix that with my traveling stone and strop kit that I keep in my cargo vest. What struck me was the light. I flicked it on and it was very very dim. Then slowly it steadied and began to fade before winking out. The batteries had run out. It's time was done. It's funny what life will present to you, the impromptu and profound things that will grip you by your very fibers if you only pay attention and watch.

I'm going to find that little SAK today and clean it up. I'll touch up the edge, but the batteries stay dead for now.
 
Hey Jake....
Wow... what a wild last few hours for you.... Is it not so very Good how Life will try and maybe soften the blows sometimes....The Circle as You put it sooo Well.
Sandy and I don't really know what to say....
Hang in here, Jake.
Ed n Sandy
 
Jake, to you and your Family God Bless!!

If you need anything, we are always here for you.

Heber
 
Jake,
Hearing about the Wee 'lil one coming into this world at about the time The Elder was throwing off his no longer needed shell just makes it easier to believe in the things I don't quite understand at times. May she bring you all Joy!!

Time has passed, the Wheel has turned.
It is time for me to move on.
I will walk hand in hand with the Ancient Ones,
and with my ancestors who came before me.

Great Mother, welcome me back into your womb,
I come to you and know I am blessed,
for my life has been one I am proud of.
As I enter your world, wrap me in your loving arms,
and welcome me.

Lord of Death, I wait for you to take me,
I come to you willingly, with eyes wide open,
as my last moment approaches on the horizon.
May I look upon you without fear, without pain,
and knowing that those who walked before me,
await me on the other side.

O Ancient Ones, give me strength to take these final steps,
and allow me to do so with peace and dignity.
Let my family mourn my passing but not my loss,
and let them heal knowing I will see them again.
Time has passed and the Wheel has turned.
It is time for me to move on.

.... and the Circle continues.
Blessed Be
Willow
 
Jake, Those shoulders of yours have inspired and carried me and mine in this place more times than I can remember. Our heartfelt thoughts and smoke go up and out to you and your family. I know the quiet spaces left behind by someone you have cared about and for. I cherish them even when I may also cry.

Be Good to Yourself, Brother.
Love to Yours,
Mark, Holly and our Ladies

ps, my Holly just have me a smack...
Love and Light and Laughter for the newest member of your family:)
 
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I am very sorry to learn of your loss, Jake. I am glad you were able to share one last holiday together. Prayers for peace sent from SC.

Eric
 
"Uncle Jake" - that has a nice ring to it. (Just wait until you hear it from Lilli for the first time.)

Eric
 
Continue parayers to you and your family
 
I'm truely sorry for your loss, Jake. My oldest was born just hours after my grandmother died. I had the privilage of standing by my father's side as he passed.

65 is too young to have to say goodbye, but I'm so glad he got to spend one last Christmas with you all; what a great memory that will be. Take care my friend.
 
Ah, Jake. Just saw this. I am sorry for you, brother.

We're here for you and that will help, at least a little. :(


Mike
 
Jake, I'm sorry I read this so late. I've been sick all weekend. You've done your dad-in-law honor by your post. This Cantina is a magical place for healing and I hope it helps you as much as it did me when Walosi passed.

I'll say a prayer (though belated) that he has found peace, although I'm sure he's already in good hands... and that you and your family find it too.

Alan
 
Jake, I'm sorry I read this so late. I've been sick all weekend. You've done your dad-in-law honor by your post. The Cantina is a magical place for healing and I hope it helps you as much as it did me when Walosi passed.

I'll say a prayer (though belated) that he has found peace, although I'm sure he's already in good hands... and that you and your family find it too.

Alan
 
Hey Jake,

Sincere condolences regarding your father in law. Prayers and positive thoughts to your family.
 
Smoke for your FIL, and for you and your wife too Jake.
 
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