***Tall Tales II***

Yvsa said:
That does it. I withdraw from the competition. Johnetta Cade indeed! :rolleyes: :eek: :D ;)

Jeb, I tried to give you a rep point for that but I have given out too many in the last 24 hours.:(
Click to expand...

Leave her alone!

Just because Johnetta has an adam's apple, and always has a hotdog in her hand doesnt mean she doesnt have feelings!

And stop sending horse manure to her address guys, it stopped being funny a year ago.
 
Too good, Jeb!

The 40" AK only gives birth to the 50"...

The kamis think, no, I KNOW, that we are all nuts....

Spare me Johnetta.. yuck. Manure points to her.


Ad Astra
 
I amlost forgot the taim me and johs was choppin brisquet at a bbq resturant and the manger says we can use our kokrius to cut the meet.
I cut 60 pawnds of beef in 5 minutes with a shitlangee.

The trooth is we dropped the meat on the floor a lot, but they dont cair.
we just washed it off an sold it anywaze.

I remember one army seal tole me he thought i was the best meat cutter he ever saw with a krokrie.

I told him, I kilt a dog that bit myweenie once with it and I made his lunch with that same knife. (I never washed it though)
 
Shoar enaf, Danny with his big sexsy brain, he choaps meet liek teh dickinz! :eek: Hes' awl sew a thread necromancer oaf the hihgist oarder!
 
i aint never done nothing with nobodys neck!
i peed on my dogs nekc once, but thats anohter storie.
You know, someteims I can almost smell a torl wehn hes sneakin aroudn the catina.
its kinda smells like bacon...
 
I agree with Howard, and some of these yarns are making me wonder about the honesty of some of you guys! Although I _suppose_ you could be telling the truth, but I would think a 40" AK might be a little undersized for some of the stunts described.

However, Howard's story about those frozen snakes makes sense to me, and I could tell you a few things about rattlers. Ferinstance, one time I was hiking through a prairie dog town, and anyone will tell you there are lots of rattlers around those places. Well, when I am out and about I usually carry a couple of my favorite khuks, 'cause you never can tell what you'll run into. On this particular occasion I had my favorite 18" WWII Villager (razor sharp of course), and a well loved BGRS for good measure.

I wore my best pair of custom Nocona Bullhide boots this time out, made to cover clear up the calf of my leg because I knew those danged snakes would be out. Sure enough, I hadn't gone a hundred feet when "Wham!", a big rattler hits my boot hard enough to knock me back a step. Well, not one to waste any time, I just swung the old WWII and lopped his head clean off, and kept on walking. Not 20 feet later, without so much as a buzz, his bigger cousin hits my other side, so I reached down with the BGRS in my left hand and take care of him the same way. This kept on and on, so, I finally got into the rhythm of walking a few steps and swinging those khuks along my side to clear away any new hangers on as they struck.

After a mile or so I started to get real tired. I wasn't sure what was up, but my legs were just wore out completely, and I was dead tired of slogging along, which isn't much like me, as I am usually good for 70 or 80 miles or so before stopping to take a quick breather.

Anyway, I happened to look down about that time, and couldn't believe my eyes! There was so many snake heads hanging off my boots, all victims of my razor sharp khuks and natural khuk swingin' ability, that there wasn't a single square inch of bullhide that didn't have a pair of fangs in it! The weight of all those heads just slowed me to a crawl, I'll tell you.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I sat down on a big safe rock, and spent the next hour prying all those fangs out of my boots, so that I could get back up to speed! My prized boots looked like a sieve I'll tell you, but I was never happier to have had 'em on, believe me.

The best part of it was, when I got back to town I took my socks off and wrung 'em out, and squeezed a fair gallon of snake pizen outta them. I sold it for a pretty penny to the local Doc, who makes up batches of anti-venom with it, or something. (Although I'm not sure, but last week his old nag of a wife died of massive snake bite, but there wasn't a mark on her! Go figure...)

Anyway, that's the Truth, cross my heart, so help me! :eek: And if I'm making one single bit of it up, may God strike me de
 
This is priceless. You fellas are totally nuts and I have never so hard at any post on the HI forums ever (and that is saying a lot).
 
thats funnie cus i waz in a army seal unit called redvenom in the nam.
the trick was we let are dogs loose in the village and the vc would run towards us and we cut there feet off witht our krukrisis
cause thats the design.
i used to have a dozein feet hanging from my tent back in pyongyang.
the generals saisd i had to take em down but everybody knew who was the baddest army seel in veitkong.
 
I've never told anyone this. Some things are best left unsaid, but this seems like the time and place for it to come to light. I was a merc in Afghanistan back during the Russian occupation there. I was working with the Mujahdeen. I was a crack mountain trooper, having been trained in Nepal by some former Ghurkas. Those guys had served in Burma against the Japanese in WWII and were really badass. They taught me all the secrets of ambush and survival in tough terrain like that. When I had passed all the tests, I was given my first khukuri. It was ancient, it was purportedly magical, devangari script covered it. It had an eye of the dove cho and was fullered. The handle was the horn of a white rhino. The old Ghurkas gave it to me because I was the best they had ever trained, and they knew they could trust me with such a weapon of power.
I was on my first patrol there with my unit, a bunch of real killers, and we had been on the trail of some Spetnaz guys for weeks. We where in good shape though and had provisions of sun dried hotdogs. The old Ghurkas taught me that trick. Take a pack of Oscar Meyers and lay them out in the sun on some rocks until they are like jerky, they really keep you going when it gets tough, like we had it.
It was midnight with a full moon when we came upon the Spetnaz guys. They had their shovels all out at the ready. They knew we where coming, they were good. They knew we were good, so it was going to be real old school fighting. Real combat from the days of old, hand to hand to prove who was baddest ass in the land. I pulled forth my khukuri from the old Ghurkas and I swear time seemed to slow and I could see like it was daylight out. The Spetnaz guys came at us full speed, but to me it looked like they were walking. I was point and the trail was narrow so my men couldn't get into the fray. The Spetnaz guys were able to come at me two at a time. Their shovels where no match for the devastating blows from that khuk, it cut steel like paper. I even cut through an AK-47 lenghtwise as one of the Spetnaz guys tried to get it into play. The details of the fight are unclear to me, it all seemed like a dream. When it was over, I stood victorious over an entire unit of Spetnaz. My men never even had the chance to pull their weapons out. They looked at me with fear and awe, and I felt some of that myself. The khukuri from the old Ghurkas was truly a thing of power. I spent a couple years leading raids against the Russians until they withdrew. There were many tales and legends about my exploits. The demon with the curved blade who hunted the night. I returned to Nepal and gave over the khukuri to the old Ghurkas, I could not trust myself to keep it. Such a weapon is too dangerous to keep. It is only given to the choosen, and only for a little while.
Thanks for letting me get that out. It has been secret too long.
 
sorry i missed this over the weekend. seems my phone and adsl line was down, along with 25 of my neighbors, the local cable company was down in the holler diggin to put in some conduit so's they could run some more cables thru it. danged if they didn't try to go thru the swampy bit & here comes this snake after 'em, swinging a huge kukhri in it's mouth. anyways, they run really good & the snake missed 'em but hit the telephone pole & nows we ain't got no phones or internet access. had to write this 'un from work. the telephone company is refusing to fix the pole till we can round up a few mongooses, (or is it mongeese?) or hire out the local ghurka regiment to stand guard.

i think we found ad astra's missin kook.

anyhow, i think munk should make up a few of them particle board desks he mentioned in the beginning of this thread...stick 'em up on ebay & you'd probly get a good price for 'em. might finance the next bear hunt even.

i'd suggest using mu-mesons rather than bosons, as the bosons are a bit tetchy & tend to be hard to cut, even with a good convex grind. howard yoosta be a physicist so might be able to lend a hand, if'n he's not sliced it off yet. them particles are hard to collect, tho a good magnetic klein bottle helps. once you add the catalyst, pour 'em out real smart like else they tend to clog up the neck of the bottle.
 
I was a out inner mountains of hyar ole P.A., choppin' wood with my ole Bud K kukri. Only 5 dollars can yer imagine! Anyways, I 'us all by my lonesome, when the blade broke! I cussed up a storm, I did! I sat down, my head inner my hands, wonderin' what I'd a do. Them dern ole Bud K people tole me I 'us in for a real treat with this here knife, and that I didn't need any others.

Well, I started what fire I could with the few pieces of wood I had ther, and went to sleep at the fire. I werk up about 2 in der mornin and saw a great ole hairy man piling wood on the fire! He came over and a hunkered down on his haunches in front er me, and I saw he was a Bigfoot! He handed me another kukri, and a went off into ther woods, quiet as a church mouse!







I didn't want to go too far ;)
 
kronckew said:
tho a good klein bottle helps...
Click to expand...

well, those are easy enough to make. First, you take two moebius bands. Then you just sew them together along their boundary. It helps if you have a four-dimensional needle and thread.
 
Bobwhite said:
There were many tales and legends about my exploits. The demon with the curved blade who hunted the night.
Click to expand...

Wow! So that was you huh? I heard about you, and that was some bada$$ stuff you pulled! "The Demon With the Curved Blade Who Hunted The Night!" Yeah, that was the guy. Or, wait a minute, maybe that was the "Deacon With The Cured Ham Who Hunted A Fight?" Well, can't remember, but anyway, pretty good how you sliced through those AK's and comm-block body armor. Too bad you gave up such a killer blade! I'll bet even old Shiva would be impressed with that one! :eek: :D
 
DannyinJapan said:
. . . maybe the craque had somethin to do with my extra lip and me havin one ball.
Does anybiosdy else here only got one ball?
It works, i guess, but i think its lonely.
Click to expand...


Hitler had only one ball
Goering had two, but very small
Himmler was somewhat similar


Noah
 
Noah Zark said:
Hitler had only one ball
Goering had two, but very small
Himmler was somewhat similar


Noah
Click to expand...


Wow, Noah! I'm impressed! I never got to know them that well personally... :D
 
DannyinJapan said:
One time I wuz huntin in arfica cause my daady ones a piece of land their.
Anyweigh, there was this wild animal called a hernia that came into owr camp and tried to steal our snausages.
I saw him frist and thu my kukeri at him.
The kukrui bounced off a tree and came back at me.
I cot it mith my fingers and thru it again.
It stuck in his neck and fell over ded.
I didnt bring back any trophies tho cuz we werent allowed to cause of the war.

Anywaze, when I came back to Merika, I didnt have my krokri.. Turns out that the dum guy in arfic customs took it and they thot it was a bomb!
My brother is in the FBI and he told me they wanted to arrest me cause I tried to hijack the plain, but HE told em it was ok so Im ok.

Now I practice throwin my krukri all the time just in case of a big dog attacke me or something liek a wolf or a mountain lyin or somethiong bigger.

My dad said that killed a large wolf with a kurukri in the 70's, but he was a big crackhead in the 80's, so im not sure its a real memory or just somethin he saw on TV.
I was born in 1986, so maybe the craque had somethin to do with my extra lip and me havin one ball.
Does anybiosdy else here only got one ball?
It works, i guess, but i think its lonely.
Click to expand...


Are you willing to put up $38 million African dollars and I get 20% for me helping you get it out of your country?
 
The following is purportedly from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda, which it claims "is the largest snake in the world, a relative of the boa constrictor that grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds."

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.

5. Do not panic

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from that end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your khuk and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg. then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.

9. Be sure you have an HI Khuk.

10. Be sure your khuk is very sharp.

11. Write up the details for this Forum.
 
OK, OK here are a few more.

Trying to determine authenticity of an email, would like to hear from Yvsa....

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. So she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress, and his reply was: "Only have one woman: one woman, one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking, she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women: two women, two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. "Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."

The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile."

The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style, me sleep with em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I received this email is it true:

The French Leader got a coded message from Bush Administration.
It read: S370HSSV-0773H
The French were stumped and sent for the French Information Agency.
The FIA was stumped too, so it went to the Russians.
The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans.
The Germans, having received this same message during W.W.II from the Americans, suggested turning it upside down ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------


Is this true?

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction!


----------------------------------------------------------------------

Here is another one that is suspect of being a hoax in my mind.

The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Texas quarters.

"We are recalling all of the new Texas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

The winning design for the Texas quarter was submitted by Texas A&M student William Doutrieux.

"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Shackelford. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
 
Dearest Mr. Bill,
My name is Daniel Alimayuh Mwakebe. I am the only son of a diamond and shoe mine operator. My father was murdered by PETA and I must flee my native land.
Before I can leave Chlamydia, I must send my fathers money out of the country or PETA terrorists will seize it.
If you can help me God bless you sir, and I will give you 17%.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top