Uncle Bill has to go to the hospital. Rusty, take over.

Hey guys, when Bill comes home from the hospital and reads this thread he likely won't be feeling real great and could use some cheering up -- so let's post some jokes here for him. I'm going to paste in one I found in the Community forum.

-Cougar :{)

MacTavish and a minister were flying from Edinburgh when
the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she
asked MacTavish. "Aye, a whusky" he replied. She poured him a
drink then asked the preacher if he'd like one. "Never!" he said
sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by*****s all the way to
America than drink whisky!" MacTavish hurriedly passed the drink
back, saying "Och, Ah didnaken there wuz a choice!"
 
Subject: cats

CATS
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are
independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you
call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home
they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every
quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

___________________

he blonde kidnapper.

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a
little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped
your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in
the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside
the boys jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown
bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Also inside the
bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that
one blonde would do this to another!

___________________________

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I
> told my wife that I would be home by midnight...promise!
>
> Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way to easy.
> At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, headed for home. Just as I got in
> the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
>
> Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another
> 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution,
> even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning
> my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She
> didn't seem disturbed at all.
>
> Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed
> a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night
> our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****,' cuckooed 4 more
> times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed
> twice more, and then farted."
> ~~~~~~~
 
> IF I KNEW THAT IT WOULD BE THE LAST TIME"

> If I knew it would be the last time
> That I'd see you fall asleep,
> I would tuck you in more tightly
> and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

> If I knew it would be the last time
> that I see you walk out the door,
> I would give you a hug and kiss
> and call you back for one more.

> If I knew it would be the last time
> I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
> I would video tape each action and word,
> so I could play them back day after day.

> If I knew it would be the last time,
> I could spare an extra minute or two
> to stop and say "I love you,"
> instead of assuming you would KNOW I do

> If I knew it would be the last time
> I would be there to share your day,
> well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
> so I can let just this one slip away.

> For surely there's always tomorrow
> to make up for an oversight,
> and we always get a second chance
> to make everything right.

> There will always be another day
> to say our "I love you's,"
> And certainly there's another chance
> to say our "Anything I can do's?"

> But just in case I might be wrong,
> and today is all I get,
> I'd like to say how much I love you
> and I hope we never forget.

> Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
> young or old alike,
> And today may be the last chance
> you get to hold your loved one tight

> So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
> why not do it today?
> For if tomorrow never comes,
> you'll surely regret the day,

> That you didn't take that extra time
> for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
> and you were too busy to grant someone,
> what turned out to be their one last wish.

> So hold your loved ones close today,
> and whisper in their ear,
> Tell them how much you love them
> and that you'll always hold them dear

> Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me", "Thank you," or "It's okay."
> And if tomorrow never comes,
> you'll have no regrets about today.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I did not think this up, but felt it was very nice and thought I would share it.
 
I'm not really big on jokes, my humor running more to the topical wisecrack. But a few times when my old engine seemed like it was finally ready for the junkyard, I have taken some comfort in a favorite poem by Stephen Vincent Benet:

Little Testament

"I have lived. I have thought and labored. I have loved and possesed my love to the uttermost inch of flesh, till the deep voice cried in us both.
I have not cut my coat according to the color of the cloth. When the world passed by me in the street, it could have fist or my glove....."

(It goes on for several stanzas, incuding and ending thus
smile.gif


"....I have been a traitor and loyal, a fool and the enemy of fools. Certain friends I would not betray. I have worn ragged overcoats for pride. I shall keep the delusions of my soul a secret till I have died, because of a stubborn nothing that would not answer to the rules......

....Now the mind rusts into madness, the horses run without bit. The paltry body is nothing but mechanics of bone and skin. Nevertheless I have spoken. This nothing spoke for its kin, And loved one woman completely. Let her remember it."

gunhou

------------------
The sword cannot cut itself, the eye cannot see itself.
 
Hey Rusty,
Thanks for forwarding all our good thoughts.
What is the latest news?

------------------
JP
 
Thinking of you Bill, come home soon safe and well. The world is a much better place with you in it.

Cheers for now,

QL.

------------------
 
Just wanted to add my prayers and best wishes to all the others. Get well soon, Bill. And thanks to Rusty.
_________________________

If a man is walking in the woods and talking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Mark

 
Take care of yourself Uncle Bill. Come back soon, we all miss your company already.

Christian
 
I'm gone on Spring Break for one week and look what I miss! Get well soon, Bill.

Bob
 
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