Why do I deserve the Camillus Talonite? Oh, let me count the ways....
Because my friend's brother's cousin is a distant relative of Mel Tillis, whose name rhymes with Camillus.
Because I cry myself to sleep each night dreaming of the Camillus Talonite CUDA EDC that I don't have but long for with every ounce of my soul. Please ease my troubled soul.
After heavy bouts of drinking, I have been known to "ralph," and Darrell Ralph designed the sucker. Coincidence? I don't think so. Also, the Talonite would give me the strength to tackle this drinking problem.
Because my doctor diagnosed me with severe Talonite Deficiency (Class 3) with terminal blade oxidation and prescribed a steady diet of Camillus Talonite EDC, but my HMO won't cover it. (Okay, maybe I ripped this one off, but you have to admit it is a pretty good reason. If Stephen Ambrose can plagiarize, why can't I?)
Because my legs are tied together, my arms are bound, and I'm typing this with my nose. If I had a Camillus Talonite EDC, I'd be free, free at last!!! (Capitalizing is the really tough part. Ever try holding down Shift with your tongue while typing with your nose? I deserve a free knife just for this ability alone.)
Because I've never won one of these freakin' contests, yet I've entered every one that I've seen. C'mon, Papa needs a new pair of shoes! (And a Camillus knife!)
Because my email works just fine....