another contest......

valleytinworks

valleytinworks

Joined
Dec 13, 2005
Messages
1,373
since i have been shut down on my other contest...... despite what folks may think, i had good intentions.....

the prize is a very very abused dog father..... still a good knife.... but truly abused.


post your fave joke..... my wife will pick the winner
 
I usually tell this differently, but since your wife is judging :-)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second black hearse just 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her 200 women walking single file.

The woman's curiosity got the best of her. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

The woman was even more inquisitive, "Well, who's in the second hearse?"

"My-mother-in law. She tried to help my husband when the dog turned on her and killed her too."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."
 
Two men were hunting when a beautiful 8 point buck came into range. Just as one of the men was drawing a bead on this trophy buck a funeral procession came into sight on the highway. The hunter stopped and watched the funeral pass as the big buck just wandered off out of range. After the procession passed from sight the man's hunting partner said in astonishment, "Wow, I've never seen a man so reverent he would stop hunting for a funeral!" The hunter hangs his head and says, "I felt like I ought to, we were married for 23 years, after all."
 
Not really a joke, but funny.

Application to date my Daughter.
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and medical report from your doctor.

Name:________________________ Nickname/Alias:___________________
Date Of Birth:____/____/____ height:______ Weight:______ I.Q.:______
G.P.A.:________ Soc. Sec.#______-___-_______
Driver's License#____________________
Boy Scout Rank:_____________Good Standing: Yes_____No_____
Home Address:_______________________________
City/State/Zip_____________________________
Home Phone#: (___)___________ Car Phone#:_______________ Pager#:__________
Do you own
a. Van?____
b. Truck with oversized tires?____
c. Car with a trunk full of speakers?_____

Do you have any of the following:
a. An earring_____
b. nose ring______
c. belly button ring_____
or piercings on any other body parts_____
Explain:_____________________________________________________
Tattoo?______

(If you answered YES to any of the above questions, discontinue and leave the premises immediately.)

In 30 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you? ________________________________________________________________

In 30 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? ________________________________________________________________

Church you attend_____________________ How often______________________
Best time to interview your pastor?_______________________

Fill In The Blank. Please answer freely, all answers will be confidential.
a. If I were beaten, the last bone I want to be broken broken is: ____________________________________________________
b. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me is ____________________________________________________
c. Now answer the question you filled in on B ____________________________________________________

NOTE: If you have answered any of the previous questions dishonestly (and I will find out), discontinue application. It is advised that you leave the premises quickly keeping your head low and running in serpentine fashion.

I swear that all information provided above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, electrocution, and/or hot pokers.

_____________________________
Signature (This means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 - 6 YEARS for processing. If your application is approved, you will be contacted in writing. Please do not call or write, this could cause you unexpected injury.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two men wearing white ties and answering to the names GUIDO and LOUIE.
 
Remember, this is not the W&C or any other "no holds barred" forums...
 
A business owner from the lower 48 one day decided he had enough of the city life and purchased 20 acres in Alaska miles from anyone. While sitting in his cozy cabin one day
he gets a knock at the door, answering it he finds a grizzly bearded hulk of a man standing in front of him who asks " howdy , I'm your neighbor 40 miles down the way, just wanted to invite you to Christmas party " the man replies " yes I really want to go I havn't been to a social gathering in over a year " The bearded man says ' their might be drinking and fighting though" the man says , well I can drink with the best of them and as far as fighting goes I don't have a problem with anybody. The bearded man says " well their might be some nasty sex " the man replies well I don't have a problem with that ! then he asks what should I wear , the bearded man replies " it really doesn't matter it's jusy going to be the two of us !
 
Why does Tiger Woods carry an extra pair of socks in his golf bag?

In case he gets a hole in one.:rolleyes:
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
 
A man is relaxing at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a small snail on the porch, he grabs the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there is a knock on the door. He opens the door and there's the snail. The snail looks up and says, "What the Hell was that all about?".
 
What do you call a Hog with no legs?

















A Ground Hog

pretty lame, I know. RF and Mhawg's made me laugh:thumbup:
 
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did."
 
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs thrashing around in a pile of leaves?

Russel (Rustle)


HA, HA, HA!!! I kill me.
 
Gloria was a well endowed young female. She thought she'd take a chance and wear a skimpy bikini to the beach. As she bent down to pick up a seashell, the strap split and the top came off. She quickly wrapped her arms across her ample chest and ran to the water to hide.

Little Joey was walking by, saw her running and yelled: "Hey! Lady! If you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with the pink nose!!"

:D
 
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who has been thrown out of a speedboat?

Skip
 
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the lake?

Bob
 
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