another contest......

What's the difference between a tornado and a redneck divorce?

I don't know, but someone's losing a trailer !
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly Gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."
 
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of the Night". She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at
the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
 
Sherlock Homes & Watson are camping out in the moors in the next of their murder mystery adventures.

They busy them selves collecting wood for the fire, pitching the tent, and getting food ready.

As dusk settles, they tell each other ghost stories by the fire before finishing thier food and retiring to sleep.

Watson, in the middle of the night is woken by Holmes.

"Watson," say's Holmes. "Look up into the sky..... what can you deduce?!?"

"Well" Say's Watson clearing his eyes and staring into the sky... "The night is warm, even though the stars are bright. There's no wind..... errrrm I think it all means that it will be a warm day tomorrow!"

"NO YOU FOOL!" shouts Holmes! "Someone stolen our tent!!"
 
why doesnt the skeleton cross the road?

because it doesnt have guts!


:)

thanks for the chance
 
So this guy walks into a bar after a long day at work. He sits down at a stool near the middle of the bar, with no one sitting near him. The bartender asks him what he'll have, and he orders a Miller.

He gets his beer, takes a sip, and nibbles on a few peanuts out of the basket on the bar. After a bit, he hears someone very close by say, "Hey, that's a great looking shirt you're wearing!"

He looks around to see who was speaking to him, and sees no one near. He looks at the bartender and says, "Excuse me?" The bartender stares blankly back at him and replies, "I didn't say a word."

Perplexed, the man returns to his drink. A couple more peanuts get eaten, and again he hears a voice saying, "Wow, that's a great cologne you're wearing. Smells wonderful!"

He spins around on his stool quickly to catch the person, but again, sees no one near. He looks back at the bartender and says, "Uhh, what was that?" The bartender just shakes his head, saying, "Dude, I didn't say anything!"

The man starts to think he's really losing it now. He slams down the remainder of his beer, and starts to get up to leave. Again, a voice calls out, "Hey, let me just say, you look like a million bucks! Absolutely gorgeous!"

At this, the man snaps his head toward the bartender and says, "Listen man, I don't know what's going on around here, but don't expect to see me back again! Someone keeps saying nice things to me, but is hiding from me, and I don't know what's going on."

The bartender looks at him for a moment, and suddenly a look of understanding falls onto his face. He says, "Ooohhhh, I think I know what's going on here. Have you been eating any of those peanuts?"

The man, rather confused by this question replies that he has, in fact, eaten some of the peanuts.

The bartender replies with, "Oh, well then that explains that. The peanuts are complimentary."



Ta-daa!
-Parke1
 
Young Miss Brown, a First grade teacher, had a birthday. All the students brought her a present. She thought it would be fun to guess what was in each package before she opened it. She got three chances.

Little Joey's father owned a flower shop. She smelled the package and asked, "Did you bring me flowers?"

"Yes, Teacher !"

Little Arnold's father owned a candy shop. She gently shook the package..."Did you bring me a box of candy?"

"Yes, Teacher!"

Little Marvin's father owned a liquor store. She noticed the package was leaking, so she swiped her finger in the small puddle and tasted it........."Did you bring me some Scotch?"

"No, Teacher!"

She swiped and tasted again.........."Did you bring me.............rum?"

"No, Teacher!"

She swiped and tasted one last time........."Did you bring me brandy?"













"No, Teacher! I brought you a puppy !!"

.
 
A man is shipwrecked on a desert island. Luckily the island has fresh water, fruit trees and an abundance of fish, so he is confident that he will survive until he is rescued. Weeks pass, however, and there is no sign of any rescue.

One day he is looking forlornly out to sea when he notices a speck on the horizon. As it comes closer he sees that it is a person in a lifeboat. As it approaches the shore he sees to his amazement that the person is Claudia Schiffer! He runs to help her out of the boat.

"Oh thank God I found this island!", she cries. "I was afraid that I would die on that lifeboat. I am the sole survivor of a shipwreck."

The man calms her down and explains that there is plenty of food and water and that they just have to keep their nerve and soon they will be rescued. She agrees that they must keep their spirits up, as it is essential to their survival.

Weeks pass with still no sign of rescue. One thing leads to another and they start having sex.

Everything seems fine. After weeks of sex morale is high. However, after a few weeks his mood starts to change. He starts to withdraw and slip into bouts of depression. Claudia sees this and gets worried. She begs him to cheer up for both their sakes, and asks if his mood change has anything to do with her.

"Well, actually, it does", he says.

"Then tell me, is there anything I can do to cheer you up?"

"Erm, yes, there is," he says hesitantly.

"Then just say the word and I will do it! After all, our survival depends on it!", she says.

"OK, then. First, I would like you to cut your hair really short like a guy's."

"OK, that's no problem."

"Then, I would like you to draw a moustache on yourself using a piece of charcoal," he continues.

She agrees, but less readily.

"Then, I want you to speak in a low voice."

Once again she agrees, but is a bit worried now.

"Then finally, I want to call you Bob."

Really worried now, she asks if all this is absolutely necessary. He assures her that it is crucial if he is going to start feeling better. And he wants her to do all this in time for a "special dinner" he is cooking that night.

Later that evening he is sitting by the fire on a log, cooking a fabulous meal. Claudia is in the bushes "preparing" herself.

"You Ok there, Bob?", he calls out.

"Yes, great, thanks", she answers in a low, gravelly voice.

"Hurry up, then, because there is something special I want to say to you!", he shouts.

She emerges from the bushes with her hair cropped very short, a black moustache and talking in a low voice.

"Is this OK with you?", she growls.

He is overwhelmed. "You look perfect, Bob! Now come over and sit by me so I can share something special with you, Bob."

She goes over to the log and sits at the end.

"Come on over here next to me", he says, patting the spot beside him. "I want to get something off my chest, and want you closer to me as it is a secret."

Reluctantly she sidles over to him.

He leans in very close to her and says, "Bob?"

"Yes?"

His eyes light up. "Guess who I'm shagging??!!"
 
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. A man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

Used to 5-star hotels, this young executive had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him and in disbelief, he asked her:
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Only me here, "she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."

He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple, " replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
Sheepishly and rather embarrassed, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walked into the house, she said casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced,
"I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vine leaves - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me, " she began, suggestively, sliding closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied...... "You mean huh.....I can check my e-mail from here?"
 
The American Bar Association organized a Caribbean cruise for its members.

They were having a wonderful time until a storm came up and the ship sank. Sharks circled in, and there was terrible carnage among the crew and the other passengers, but no lawyer was harmed. Why?

Professional courtesy.
 
a man is sitting on a plane waiting for it to take off.

in walks the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, and to his amazement, she sits right next to him.

nervously, he attempts small talk. "so, are you flying for business or pleasure", he asks.

she replies, "sort of both. see, i lecture on common sexual myths across the country."

"what sort of myths?"

"for example, most people believe that the french are the best lovers, when in fact it is the american indian. it is also commonly believed that black men are the most well endowed, but in my research it is jewish men who possess the largest genetalia.

"and oddly enough, i have discovered that the southern redneck has the best stamina. but, i really shouldnt be telling you all this, i dont even know your name."

the man replies, "oh im sorry, my name is TONTO. TONTO GOLDSTEIN, but my friends call me BUBBA."
 
what do you call a man with a shovel in his head?


Doug


what do you call a man WITHOUT a shovel in his head?


Dougless
 
The Old Man could be seen every morn before the dawn combing the beach for treasures, and casting a longing eye toward the horizon. He must've been in his nineties, and looked by his features like he had seen many good years, and many harsh ones, too. One day, he chanced upon a different treasure: an oil lamp, washed ashore by the changing tide. As he rubbed the seaweed and sand from off its salty patina, a bluish mist emitted from its spout, followed by the inhabitant from within. The Genie began in a perfect Persian purr: "Ah, Sahib, it is my pleasure to grant you a Wish for releasing me from my long imprisonment. What is it that you desire? Name it, and it is yours, for I have the power to perform many things which man is unable to do."
The old man pondered the proposition for awhile, looked off toward the familiar horizon, and spoke, "Well, I've always wanted to go to the islands of Hawaii, but I don't fly, mind ya, so could ya build me a bridge, so i could get there? I could get there on me own eventually if only there was a bridge...." The Genie floated back and said, "Ah, Sahib, this would be a vast undertaking: many men working many years could not do such a thing; further, this would affect so many people, and their way of life, 'twould be wise to reconsider such a request... I could do this for you, but contemplate the enormity of what you ask before you make your decision. If there is anything else you could wish, anything else at all, any question you would wish answered, or task performed, I would grant it, before such an enormous undertaking."
"Well," the old man replied, "I guess that is pretty selfish, just to get little-ol' me to the islands... How about this, then? Me whole life I've always pondered The Mystery of Women... How about you lettin' me in on the Secret to Understanding a Woman?" the old man said with a gleam in his eye.
Without missing a beat, The Genie replied, "Sahib, Will that be a two-lane, or a four-lane highway?"
 
The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British
authorities.

The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ACCOMPANY US.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
 
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