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another contest......
- Thread starter valleytinworks
- Start date
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2007
- Messages
- 9,092
Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a French guy an American guy, an old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Frenchman again.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Frenchman again.
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2003
- Messages
- 8,583
Q: What did the father cholo say to his son when he got an "A" on his writting assignment?
A: Good ese!
A: Good ese!
I don't know how many of you shop at Wal Mart, but this is how I became a victim of this scam. Here is how the scam works:
Two seriously good looking well-built cowboy type guys come over to your car as you are loading your purchases. They are both shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag and windex with their highly defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs. It's impossible not to look. When you offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start taking dirty about what they want to do to you. The one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!! While this is going on, the other guy steals your purse!!
I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, and again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow!!
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One of my wife's favorites to tell.
Two seriously good looking well-built cowboy type guys come over to your car as you are loading your purchases. They are both shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag and windex with their highly defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs. It's impossible not to look. When you offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start taking dirty about what they want to do to you. The one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!! While this is going on, the other guy steals your purse!!
I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, and again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow!!
------------------------------
One of my wife's favorites to tell.
Another one that is quality
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I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car."
-------------------------------------
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car."
foxyrick
British Pork
- Joined
- Dec 26, 2006
- Messages
- 2,254
Hey, I've just thought of another one...
There's an Englishman, an American and a German lost in the desert. They come across a lamp and give it a rub.
Out pops a genie. He offeres to help them out of the desert by giving them a wish each - they can wish for whatever transport they want.
The Englishman wishes for an Aston Martin, so he can drive out in style. An Aston miraculously appears.
The American asks for an Apache helicopter. As if by magic, an Apache arisies from the sand.
The German asks for a pig and four springs. "What???" says the genie. The others just stare at him in wonder.
"I'll have a pig and four springs please," repeats the German. "OK, if that's what you want," says the genie. A pig and four spings fall with a thud and an oink to the ground.
The three friends agree to meet up at a hotel when they get out of the desert.
..... cut to the hotel .....
The Englishman is just parking his Aston Martin, when he hears the buzz of a helicopter. The American lands in the carpark too, and they exchange greetings.
"Where's the German?" askes the Englishman, "Who knows," replies the American, "Probably still chasing his pig around the desert!".
They enter the hotel, laughing, and head for the bar. There, sat drinking, is the German.
"How did you get here!???" they ask.
"Foursprung Pork Technique," replies the German.
(I guess you need to have seen the old Audi adverts to get this...)
There's an Englishman, an American and a German lost in the desert. They come across a lamp and give it a rub.
Out pops a genie. He offeres to help them out of the desert by giving them a wish each - they can wish for whatever transport they want.
The Englishman wishes for an Aston Martin, so he can drive out in style. An Aston miraculously appears.
The American asks for an Apache helicopter. As if by magic, an Apache arisies from the sand.
The German asks for a pig and four springs. "What???" says the genie. The others just stare at him in wonder.
"I'll have a pig and four springs please," repeats the German. "OK, if that's what you want," says the genie. A pig and four spings fall with a thud and an oink to the ground.
The three friends agree to meet up at a hotel when they get out of the desert.
..... cut to the hotel .....
The Englishman is just parking his Aston Martin, when he hears the buzz of a helicopter. The American lands in the carpark too, and they exchange greetings.
"Where's the German?" askes the Englishman, "Who knows," replies the American, "Probably still chasing his pig around the desert!".
They enter the hotel, laughing, and head for the bar. There, sat drinking, is the German.
"How did you get here!???" they ask.
"Foursprung Pork Technique," replies the German.
(I guess you need to have seen the old Audi adverts to get this...)
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2007
- Messages
- 2,198
This cowboy was riding his horse out in the middle of nowhere and his horse trips over something. The man gets off his horse checks to see what it was. He notices it's a lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out of the lamp. The cowboy pulls out his guns and says to the genie, "If you don't give me three wishes I'm going to kill you right here!" The genie says, "OK I'm not a violent man so I'll grant you your wishes." The cowboy says, "O.K. for my first wish I want a bottle of the best liquor."
The genie snaps his fingers and POOF a bottle of Jack Daniels appears in his saddle bag. The cowboy says, "OK for my second wish I want $1 million." The genie snaps his fingers again and suddenly $1 million appears in his saddle bag. The cowboy says, "Well I've never been good with the ladies so for my third wish I want a dick the size of my horses." The genie snaps his fingers and suddenly the crotch of his pants swell.
The cowboy rides off into town and goes to the local saloon. He gets drunk and starts telling everybody the story and naturally nobody believes him. The cowboy says, "But I got this bottle of liquor right here" The bartender says, "Yeah but you could have got that anywhere!" The cowboy says, "But I've got $1 million right here!" Another cowboy says "Yeah you could have robbed a bank somewhere and got that!" The cowboy says, "Oh yeah! Then where did I get this!" and he unzips his pants and flops his huge dick on the counter.
Another cowboy gets all excited about it and jumps on his horse and rides out to find the lamp. When he finds it he rubs the lamp and says to the genie "If you don't grant my three wishes I'll kill you!" The genie says "OK go ahead and tell me your wishes."
The second cowboy says "OK for my wishes I want twice as much as the first guy had! I want two bottles of liquor, $2 million, and I want to have a dick twice as big as my horse's." The genie snaps his fingers and his wishes come true. The second cowboy rides back to town to tell everybody in the saloon about his story. He gets the same kind of harassment as the first cowboy so he says " Oh yeah! Well how did I get this!?" With that he unzips his pants and everybody in the bar starts to laugh. Just then the second cowboy thought "OH SHIT! I rode my horse BECKY out there!"
The genie snaps his fingers and POOF a bottle of Jack Daniels appears in his saddle bag. The cowboy says, "OK for my second wish I want $1 million." The genie snaps his fingers again and suddenly $1 million appears in his saddle bag. The cowboy says, "Well I've never been good with the ladies so for my third wish I want a dick the size of my horses." The genie snaps his fingers and suddenly the crotch of his pants swell.
The cowboy rides off into town and goes to the local saloon. He gets drunk and starts telling everybody the story and naturally nobody believes him. The cowboy says, "But I got this bottle of liquor right here" The bartender says, "Yeah but you could have got that anywhere!" The cowboy says, "But I've got $1 million right here!" Another cowboy says "Yeah you could have robbed a bank somewhere and got that!" The cowboy says, "Oh yeah! Then where did I get this!" and he unzips his pants and flops his huge dick on the counter.
Another cowboy gets all excited about it and jumps on his horse and rides out to find the lamp. When he finds it he rubs the lamp and says to the genie "If you don't grant my three wishes I'll kill you!" The genie says "OK go ahead and tell me your wishes."
The second cowboy says "OK for my wishes I want twice as much as the first guy had! I want two bottles of liquor, $2 million, and I want to have a dick twice as big as my horse's." The genie snaps his fingers and his wishes come true. The second cowboy rides back to town to tell everybody in the saloon about his story. He gets the same kind of harassment as the first cowboy so he says " Oh yeah! Well how did I get this!?" With that he unzips his pants and everybody in the bar starts to laugh. Just then the second cowboy thought "OH SHIT! I rode my horse BECKY out there!"
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2006
- Messages
- 2,524
Two hunters are sitting around a campfire enjoying their breakfast...........
Bill "Damn good eggs Bob"
Bob "Thanks Bill, hey do you hear that??"
Both look over to see a large bear, which of course rears up and begins to roar
Bill "Oh crap, I saw this on tv, a bear can run 30 mph for about 5 blocks so we can't run away. If we just calmly back off we should be able to sneak away......... Bob??? Bob???"
Bob is already full stride in the opposite direction....................Bill does his best Roadrunner impression and almost catches up to Bob.
Bill "Bob, what the hell are you doing, I told you we will never out run the bear"
Bob "I don't have to out run the bear, I have to out run YOU"
Bill "Damn good eggs Bob"
Bob "Thanks Bill, hey do you hear that??"
Both look over to see a large bear, which of course rears up and begins to roar
Bill "Oh crap, I saw this on tv, a bear can run 30 mph for about 5 blocks so we can't run away. If we just calmly back off we should be able to sneak away......... Bob??? Bob???"
Bob is already full stride in the opposite direction....................Bill does his best Roadrunner impression and almost catches up to Bob.
Bill "Bob, what the hell are you doing, I told you we will never out run the bear"
Bob "I don't have to out run the bear, I have to out run YOU"
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2006
- Messages
- 1,188
A guy retires and buys a piece of property with a lake, and after many sleepless nights with a feeling that something is missing he realizes that he needs a duck for his lake, finally able to get to sleep he gets up bright and early the next morning and heads to town to find a duck.
Sitting at home content with a duck in his lake and watching tv that same evening he hears a knock on the door.
He opens the door and looks around, not seeing anyone he closes the door, immediately there is another knock, this time he looks down, and sees the duck.
"what do you want?" says the man.
"got any grapes?" asks the duck.
The guy can't believe that the duck just asked him a question, thinking that it was all of the sleep deprivation catching up with him he slams the door and goes straight to bed.
The next evening he hears the same knock on the door and opens it again to find the duck standing there.
"got any grapes?" asks the duck.
Angered the man kicks the duck off the porch and heads to bed.
The next evening, again the duck knocks on the door and asks for grapes.
This time the man answers,
" NO I don't have any effing grapes, and if you ask again I'm going to nail your feet to the porch!!"
Off waddles the duck.
The next evening results in another knock on the door by the duck, the man angered, asks.
"what do you want!!"
"got any nails?" asks the duck.
"no" answers the man.
"good" answers the duck, before uttering his last words.
"got any grapes?"
Good clean and if told correctly pretty darn funny.
Sitting at home content with a duck in his lake and watching tv that same evening he hears a knock on the door.
He opens the door and looks around, not seeing anyone he closes the door, immediately there is another knock, this time he looks down, and sees the duck.
"what do you want?" says the man.
"got any grapes?" asks the duck.
The guy can't believe that the duck just asked him a question, thinking that it was all of the sleep deprivation catching up with him he slams the door and goes straight to bed.
The next evening he hears the same knock on the door and opens it again to find the duck standing there.
"got any grapes?" asks the duck.
Angered the man kicks the duck off the porch and heads to bed.
The next evening, again the duck knocks on the door and asks for grapes.
This time the man answers,
" NO I don't have any effing grapes, and if you ask again I'm going to nail your feet to the porch!!"
Off waddles the duck.
The next evening results in another knock on the door by the duck, the man angered, asks.
"what do you want!!"
"got any nails?" asks the duck.
"no" answers the man.
"good" answers the duck, before uttering his last words.
"got any grapes?"
Good clean and if told correctly pretty darn funny.
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2006
- Messages
- 1,188
This should be clean enough for the board.
What do you call the black stuff between elephants toes?
Slow natives.
What do you call the black stuff between elephants toes?
Slow natives.
Thanks for the contest and doing it in a fun way! Here it goes:
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
Esav Benyamin
MidniteSuperMod
- Joined
- Apr 6, 2000
- Messages
- 90,915
A blonde comes home to find her house has been broken into and robbed. She calls 911. It just so happens that a canine cop is in the neighborhood, and he arrives in about one minute. He parks in her driveway, gets out, lets his German Shepherd out of the back, and holding the dog's leash, walks up to the house.
The blonde starts sobbing and says, "Damn, I just lost almost everything I own, and the police send me a blind cop."
The blonde starts sobbing and says, "Damn, I just lost almost everything I own, and the police send me a blind cop."
Esav Benyamin
MidniteSuperMod
- Joined
- Apr 6, 2000
- Messages
- 90,915
(so many of these)
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
Esav Benyamin
MidniteSuperMod
- Joined
- Apr 6, 2000
- Messages
- 90,915
(one more try)
A blonde decided to go horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse suddenly started gallopping out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug the horse.
A blonde decided to go horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse suddenly started gallopping out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug the horse.
- Joined
- May 20, 2007
- Messages
- 279
A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender... "I'll have a beer and a mop."