Bring on a DEATH CHAT!!!

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"at least he has forum friends you fricking weasel, go take some midol and install a clean napkin... :rolleyes:"

That one had me laughing out loud.
 
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 
A man who knows his math

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger....

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely
and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give one the finger? ...... I think not.
 
People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all Eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And, you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."
 
A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes!" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing!" replies the drunk.
 
We have to get to the next page...RF's girlfiend scares me.
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I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS..........

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No,
I'm your son's math teacher."
 
The important things about men and women

1.NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2.EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw
in a $20 even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3.MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's
on sale.

4.BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5.ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

7.SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

8.MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

9.DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

10.NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

11.OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and > hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

12.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.
 
A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. " You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"


You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"


So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said."Thirty-five years old..... and both of you still believe in genies?"
 
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy,who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle to ask the stewardess.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
 
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the old cow was killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me! ."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow."
 
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a
day, everyday, for a long, long time. She went to
check it out and there he was. She watched him pray
and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,
she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you
been coming to the Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the
Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray
for all our children to grow up in safety and
friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a ****ing wall."
 
Schuey2002 said:
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy,who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle to ask the stewardess.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
Click to expand...


Bwaahahahahhahaha... Now that's funny right there :D
 
Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat's
milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping
through photos and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now." "Yes, I remember
him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now,
though," mum confides. "Oh, so sad dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21." "Oh, I remember him," says the
other happily. "He had such curly hair when he was born." "He's a martyr,
too," says mum quietly. "Oh gracious me," says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she
whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he
first started school." "He is a martyr, also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
 
Bird Flu

These symptoms are pretty awful. Some so frightening that the Center for Disease Control doesn't even want us to know about them. They're afraid they will cause fear and panic.

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.

If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever

2. Congestion

3. Nausea

4. Fatigue

5. Aching in the joints

6. An irresistible urge to **** on someone's windshield.
 
A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our employees". The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later the HR rep called them together and remarked, "You're all working very hard and we're satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her"? The cannibals all shook their heads "No".

After the HR rep had left the room, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary? " A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something...."
 
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