Clean jokes...

Discussion in 'Community Center' started by brownshoe, Jan 8, 2021.

  1. brownshoe

    brownshoe I support this site with my MIND

    Sep 6, 2002
    Well since the last thread was closed with Gary saying "It’s been a long run, some good, some groaners. Time to give it a rest and someone can start a fresh thread for this new year." Let's start fresh.

    A rabbi, priest and minister are playing golf. Somehow they get on the topic of when life begins. The priest states "Life begins after the sperm and egg join." The minister says "No, No, that's not a viable organism. Life begins after it attaches to the uterine wall." The rabbi laughs and says "You are both wrong. Life begins after the youngest child leaves home and the dog dies."

  2. MikeH


    Oct 18, 2001
    When honeybees are travelling where do they make a bathroom stop for the kids?

    The BP station.

    Well, it did crack my granddaughter up.
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  3. brownshoe

    brownshoe I support this site with my MIND

    Sep 6, 2002
    It was a hit here in the Midcoast :)
  4. tinfoil hat timmy

    tinfoil hat timmy Gold Member Gold Member

    Aug 21, 2014
    Why dont you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

    They're so good at it.
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2021
    Ron Raducanu, taldesta and annr like this.
  5. The Amazing Virginian

    The Amazing Virginian Gold Member Gold Member

    Feb 24, 2010
    I might have used up all my clean jokes in the now-closed thread. But I have one REAL dirty one. And here it goes!

    A little boy tripped and fell in a mud puddle.

    tinfoil hat timmy likes this.
  6. The Amazing Virginian

    The Amazing Virginian Gold Member Gold Member

    Feb 24, 2010
    Ok, since you asked . . . one more.

    Margaret and John, a married couple, are at the breakfast table one morning when Margaret asks John, "if I were to die would you remarry?"

    John is reluctant to get into this discussion and avoids answering.

    Margaret is persistent however, and repeats the question for days on end. John, finally badgered into responding replies, "yes, honey, I probably would remarry."

    Margaret then asks, "Would you sell our house?" "No, I would never do that," John says. "Would you sell our bed?" she asks. "Of course not," he answers.

    "And would you ever let her use my golf clubs?" she wants to know. John answers, "No, sweetheart, never! Besides she's left handed."
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  7. annr


    Nov 15, 2006
    A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

    The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do." The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he
    has to do. Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.

    The man replies: "Chapter 11."
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  8. annr


    Nov 15, 2006
    Sophie comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.

    Her husband, Max asks, "Why are you so happy?"

    Sophie says, "Doctor Cohen told me that for a fifty five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

    "Oh yeah?" quipped Max, "What did he say about your fifty five year old ass?"

    She said, "Your name never came up.
  9. sabre cat

    sabre cat Basic Member Basic Member

    Jul 4, 2014
    My wife and I were recently getting ready for a fancy night out with a bunch of people that I didn’t know. We were pressed for time and I had made it clear that I really did not want to go.

    As I finished putting shoe polish on my dress shoes and sat them down to dry, my wife looked down and said, “Your not finished. You only polished the front half of your shoes.”

    “That’s because I only care what these people think when I walk in the room. I don’t really care what they think when I leave.”
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  10. annr


    Nov 15, 2006
    I just got back from a pleasure trip.

    I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
  11. annr


    Nov 15, 2006
    A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar.

    The bartender looks at all three and says, "I think we are dealing with a clerical error."
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  12. sabre cat

    sabre cat Basic Member Basic Member

    Jul 4, 2014
    They say that a dog is mans best friend. There is simple test to find if that is true:

    Lock your dog and your girlfriend in the trunk of a car. Wait 10 minutes and then let them both out at the same time. Pay close attention to which one is glad to see you.

    NOTE: Additional data may be forthcoming if you attempt this test. For example, the validity of the concept that diamonds are a girl’s best friend may quickly become apparent.

    Legal disclaimers:
    Caution is recommended in performing this test.

    Having your local florist number available is suggested.

    Do not drink or use drugs before or during test. Use of alcohol or drugs may intensify or alter test results.

    Do not operate any motor vehicle while performing this test.

    Do not attempt if any party involved is pregnant or you think they may be pregnant.

    If test results are inconclusive, do not repeat test.
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2021 at 2:35 AM
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  13. annr


    Nov 15, 2006
    A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

    The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

    The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars ... and I think she could be right."

    Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

    The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.
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  14. annr


    Nov 15, 2006
    A Catholic priest is called away by a family emergency one day, while on duty attending confession. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he asks his friend, a rabbi from the synagogue across the street, if he can fill in for him.

    The rabbi says he wouldn't know what to do, so the priest agrees to stay with him for a few minutes and show him the ropes.
    They enter their half of the confessional together and soon enough, a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."

    "What did you do?" asks the priest.

    "I have committed adultery," she replies.

    "How many times?" continues the priest.

    "Three times."

    "Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more," finishes the priest.

    The woman leaves and not long after a man enters and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."

    "What did you do?"

    "I have committed adultery."
    "How many times?"

    "Three times."

    "Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more." The man leaves.

    The rabbi tells the priest he thinks he's got it figured out now, so the priest leaves, and the rabbi waits until another woman enters the confessional, who says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."

    "What did you do," asks the rabbi.

    "I have committed adultery," she replies.

    "How many times?"

    "I tell you what," says the rabbi. "Go do it one more time and come back. We got a special this week, three for $5!"
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  15. sabre cat

    sabre cat Basic Member Basic Member

    Jul 4, 2014
    What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

    Answer:One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2021 at 8:18 PM
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  16. annr


    Nov 15, 2006
    Very cute!;)
  17. sabre cat

    sabre cat Basic Member Basic Member

    Jul 4, 2014
    Yeah, my wife dropped that one on my this morning. I took the bait and got reeled in big time!
    annr likes this.

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