Clean jokes...

How do you kill a Texas vampire? With a chicken fried stake.

I spent all my money on pasta. It was worth every penne.

I don’t feel so good. Bought some shoes off my dealer - I don’t know what he laced em with, but I’ve been trippin’ all day.
 
A husband and wife, Max and Emily, are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, Emily picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks Max.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
 
A duck walks into a bar, walks over to a table, and sits.
A waiter comes up to him and says, "What can I get you?"
Duck says, "Got any grapes?"
The waiter says, "No."
The duck gets up and walks out.

The next day the same duck comes into the same bar, sits at the same table, and has the same waiter come up to serve him.
Waiter, "What can I get you?"
Duck says, "Got any grapes?"
The waiter says, "No."
The duck gets up and walks out.

This happens every day for two weeks.
Finally the waiter loses it.
When asked for grapes he says, "NO! and if you come in here again and ask for grapes, I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!"
The duck gets up and walks out.

The very next day the same duck walked into the same bar and sat at the same table.
The same waiter comes up to him and says, "WELL what do you want?"
The duck says, "Got any nails?"
The waiter says, "No?"
The duck says, "Got any grapes?"
 
So three atheists are stranded at sea in a life raft after their ship sinks. After a week they run out of water and food. One says maybe they should pray for salvation but he has no idea of how to pray and the others agree they don't know how either. Finally one says he used to live next to a church and occasionally heard voices from the church. The others say go ahead man, try to remember, we are out of options. The guy says B 9, I 17, N 12.............
 
Marriage around the world . . .

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a Jewish girl.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
 
A good many years ago, I married an Irish Gal. Even though I was a young fella, I was smart enough to know that if I tried any of that stuff she'd have to notify my next of kin as to where to find my remains.
 
A fella went for a walk on a beach. As he strolled along: he noticed something shiny sticking up out of the sand. It was an old oil lamp. He started to wipe off the dirt; when there was a flash, and a Genie appeared!
"Okay Pal: let's get this over with. You only get one wish, and no matter what you wish for: I will give your Mother-in-Law twice as much. Do you understand?
"Sure do! I want you to beat me halfway to death!"
 
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